frostyjacks wrote: » They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.
tara73 wrote: » I think your bf is quite selfish and doesn't invest too much in this relationship. to put that pressure on you if you go it will be over is quite harsh in my opinion. that's no real love in my view.. I know a lot of people where one part went abroad during studies or even when working and there was never the strain in first place to end it. surely most of them were a bit afraid it could go that way when being apart for a longer time and having that physical distance between them. the possibility one or the other could meet somebody in the meantime was daunting on all of them but I don't know of anybody who seperated beforehand just because there's this possibility. I know some of them also saw it as kind of a a good 'test' to see how stable and solid their relationship is. I think it's it's kind of sad why he can' t maybe see it that way, let you go and see how it goes? I understand his point that he's annoyed to give up the place you rent together. but as suggested, can't you pay the rent for three month or is it possible to get a friend/flatmate in for the time? I'm sure there's a solution to this. All in all, if I would be you, I would do your traveling because you said yourself, if you don't go you will resent him at some stage in your life for keeping you from doing it.
Magicmatilda wrote: » Which is probably true. But that should be OK. You are 24 and all your friends are heading off. It sounds like he feels that if the above is true then it is because he is not good enough or something. Which may not be the case. But it sounds like he is making it all about him. If he is insecure that he is not enough then he needs to look at that, not use it to stop you from travelling for one year, which in the great scheme of things is not that long. He could go over for a holiday at the 6 month point. Loving someone is about allowing them to grow and nurturing them. Which he is not doing here. I also find it concerning that he won't even discuss options with you. Like you mention it and he just says "oh well, I am not enough" and then shuts down. Maybe I am wrong and its not like that. But if it is then that is not a healthy method of communicating. I went travelling with a friend when we were 22. She was living with her BF who she was with since 16. They didn't break up for it. Within weeks of us leaving in Oct he had booked to come out the following March and travel the last 3 months with her. They are now married with 3 kids. So it can work if the couple really want it to. It sounds like he doesn't though.
SarahMollie wrote: » TBH OP, I think your BF is afraid of losing you so it taking a hard-line position in an attempt to force you to stay. Truth is that travel broadens the mind and that you may not be the same person when you get back. You might be more confident and independent. He probably knows this and fears how this would effect the balance of your relationship so is therfore giving you an ultimatum in effect. Its not always possible to pick up where you left off.
allwhowander wrote: » OP I was in the similar situation as you once, going out with a guy since I was 19, mad about each other. We both foresaw marriage, babies, the whole package. When I was 23, I was offered the opportunity to go travel the world. My bf had just started a good job so couldn't leave or take long holidays. I opted not to go, even though I was mad for travelling. Instead I took a job close to my bf and did the three week holidays once a year. All my close friends went travelling or immigrated to Australia for awhile. No matter how hard I tried I resented him for it, through no fault of his own, he had never tried to stop me going, but I loved him too much to leave. Fast forward 3 years and my bf dumped me out of the blue. I found myself alone, still with the urge to travel, and no one to go with, as all my friends, and even acquaintances had theirs done. Finally I accepted that, at this stage, if I wanted to travel I would have to do so alone. Luckily, on my first trip away I met a girl in a similar situation as me and am now preparing to head off travelling the world with her for 6 months. My advice to you OP is to go. You never know whats going to happen in the future and as someone once said to me "You never hear a person say they regretted travelling". The longer you leave it the harder it'll get - leaving your bf, your family, your friends, even your job, and it'll be difficult to find people to travel with. As I see it, if you and your boyfriend are truly meant to be together, you'll overcome it and make it work
intheclouds wrote: » Why cant there be some compromise? Could he take a career break and go with you for 6 months? Then do long distance for another 6 months, giving you a year travelling? Or even 4 months and 4 months - that way you would be compromising on the length of time? I think that you are BOTH very young, but ultimately you have to do the things you want to do in life or you will regret it otherwise.
mitresize5 wrote: » OP - I was on your boyfriends side of the equation many moons ago. Was seeing a girl for 5 years in my early 20's, two of which she was an unbelievable support to me during the worst time of my life. She wanted to go travelling, I due to my life experience was in a rush to get a career, house, family etc ..... In the end we parted and it was the right thing to do. If she went and I stayed I'd have forever had it in my mind that I was the one who made the sacrifice to build a life for us. If she didn't she'd have held it against me. Oddly enough not doing the few years travelling it is my only regret in life but at the time I was determined to catch up on what I felt I had missed out on career I'd say go and scratch your itch .... you'll be long enough paying bills and working ......
adfg wrote: » Myself and my boyfriend (now husband and father to our kids!) went on J1s to opposite sides of the States very shortly after we got together age 22. We made it work, somehow and are still together. A friend of mine never went on a J1 but her OH did while in college (before he got together with her) . Fast forward a few years, they were in a relationship and she took 3 month leave from work to go backpacking around Asia with some work colleagues, while he stayed here in Ireland. She is now married to the same guy, and their first child is a year old. Do you have to go live in Oz for a long period? Could you adjust your plans slightly? Can you at least discuss options with him? You are actually both very young (I'm in my early 30s btw!) and one of the first things that struck me on reading your post is that 24 is quite young to be moved in and settled down with a boyfriend for almost as year already. I actually think the "itch" is just going to get worse for you and really, he needs to at least have a few sensible discussions with you about it all. It can be done and can work if the effort is put into it.
red one wrote: » You said that your family and friends have encouraged you to go. Is there something more to this? Could they be thinking that you are perhaps too young to be so settled down?
HiGlo wrote: » It’s a very tough call alright, but I think you’re at the perfect age to head off to Australia with your friends. I went when I was a little older (26) and I a lot older than most of the backpackers you meet… I can totally imagine how, from his perspective he reads it as he’s not enough for you – so if you do decide to go ahead and travel I think this will be an important factor in your communication with him surrounding this… He needs to be reassured that you’re not going looking for a better life – just some cool experiences in different places…. I would think that you need to be very sure of your motivation for travelling and communicate that to him over and over so he doesn’t feel you’re packing in what you guys have. I’m someone who had the itch and had to go travelling in my 20’s. I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time so it was an easier decision for me. I absolutely loved every second and I always vehemently recommend to others to do it. It’s a once in a lifetime experience to head off backpacking and basically being on holidays for a year or whatever. I’ve done some amazing things and had amazing experiences and met some awesome people – some who were like family to me for 6/8 months…. I have great stories to tell and great memories to disappear off into on a daydream. I’m definitely on the side of the fence of “do it!”…. But I’m not ignorant to the sacrifice you’re making. I think the suggestion of following your friends out or even just heading out for a few months to start with and see how you get on. At the end of the day, you might discover that you’re a home bird and miss your boyfriend/family too much and it’s not worth it and you want to go home – you just never know! When I went travelling one of the girls I travelled with was in a relationship and it was a tough decision for her. She came out with us with the intention of staying about 8 months. As it happened her boyfriend had a family bereavement so she went home, but she came back again (unfortunately she then had her own family bereavement so that was the end of her trip), but they are going strong as a couple. Married with a little boy (it’s 10 years since we went travelling). Also, another friend of mine really wanted to travel so left her boyfriend at home and came out to Oz on her own. She had a ball and he ended up following her out and joining her for a month or two and they went home together. Still together too, married with 3 children. I think, for me, the most important thing in this decision will be your communication with your boyfriend. Make sure that he has no doubt that this is about you, not him or the two of you as a couple. Reassure him that you are not giving up on you guys.
CaraMay wrote: » God he sounds awful. Looks like you had a lucky escape
Witchie wrote: » Am not sure that is entirely fair. The guy is having difficulty seeing how it would work and overreacted. Maybe when things calm down for him and he chats to a few people about it, he will see how unreasonable he was and things could still work out fine.
00sully wrote: » OP you have every right to go and fulfill your wishes. I think you could have handled it a little better for your OH knowing how he felt though. You probably should have broken up with him tbh. His (over)reaction is somewhat understandable given you both say you are in love. It might have made it easier to end it and take away some of the pressure from him given it was your decision to leave. Difficult one and no easy solution unfortunately given you do effectively want to leave him. Best of luck!
Alf Veedersane wrote: » Yeah, it's the OP's fault that he took it like a spoilt child and she should have pre-empted that and just dumped him despite not wanting to end it. The OP had hoped he would take it better. Yes he might be upset but would understand she needed to do it. She didn't want to end it.
00sully wrote: » I never mentioned fault. Nor did I say to pre empt anything. She already knew how he felt before she made her mind up. I do think she could have been a little more understanding and taken control of the situation. There's 2 sides here I don't think either should be vilified given the admitted positive feelings involved and the undisputed unavoidable hurt to both sides. The person making the change to a loving situation for the worse to the other party should imo take more responsibility however hard that may be.
Alf Veedersane wrote: » Breaking up with him isn't handling it better though. It doesn't really defuse anything or take control of it. She's taking responsibility for doing something that makes her happy and which he should be able to accept even if it's the last thing he wants. His actions aren't of someone who has someone he's supposed to love at heart. I know what you're saying but I don't think you can say that she could have acted in any way that would have resulted in him behaving anyway rationally, by the sounds of it
00sully wrote: » I agree, no handling would likely result in a complete rationale response. But the thread title is "an impossible situation" & OP knew in advance as her OH said what would happen if she left so from the first read it was obvious to me at least how he would react in a general sense. I think the way most likely to result in a less heated situation was for her to end it. Difficult I know but it would have taken some element of heat out of the situation since it would be hard for him to accept why she's leaving given the feelings involved. No right or wrong I guess, but I think he's being unfairly viewed here and she could have made it ever so slightly easier on him which I think he deserves. Again, this is based on the admitted feelings and life they are currently leading.
Alf Veedersane wrote: » I don't really think he's being viewed unfairly. Of course he's never going to be happy about it bit he has never tried to understand her side of it and has had his time traveling yet has a major issue with the OP taking some time away. I didn't expect him to be happy about it and never would expect anything other than being upset. But you can't really excuse his behaviour when it came down to it. Especially considering part of his reaction was to up sticks and leave, something he said he couldn't do when it was put to him to join the OP abroad.
