The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

kleefarr · 12-02-2016 11:25PM

Why do women have legs?

Have you ever seen the mess a snail leaves behind?

TheLastMohican · 14-02-2016 07:57PM

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."

TheLastMohican · 14-02-2016 11:30PM

One of the British national daily newspapers asked readers, "What does it mean to be British?"

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a chap in Switzerland stood out:

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a

Belgian beer, and then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a

Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch

American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?.................. Suspicion of anything foreign."

TheLastMohican · 14-02-2016 11:37PM

realies wrote: »

Seriously you want me to check the whole thread before I post , your joking hahahahaha

Of course he is. After all that's what this thread is about. D'oH!

kleefarr · 17-02-2016 08:35PM

Tilts in their Kilts

Twelve Scottish Catholic priests were about to be ordained.

The final Test was for them to line up in a straight row, all proudly wearing their Kilts, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big Breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Joseph.

Poor Joseph. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and came to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Joseph quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...

and all the other bells started to ring!

Long Gone · 17-02-2016 08:50PM

A priest is checking into a hotel. As he picks up his keys at reception he tells the receptionist " I hope the porn channel is disabled......." . The receptionist replies " No, It's just ordinary porn, you sick ba***rd.... "

09_09_09 · 17-02-2016 10:58PM

My best friend recently became a transvestite and got a boob job.

I’ll never be able to look him in the face again.

09_09_09 · 17-02-2016 11:01PM

Paddy is rowing a boat in a field of hay.

Another Irish man drives past and stops.

He looks at paddy in the boat and says.

"Its thick eejits like you that give us Irish a bad name." "I would come over there and kick **** out of you if i could swim...

Mr Tibbs · 18-02-2016 07:33PM

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only ever a whim away.

Sunnyisland · 21-02-2016 08:16PM

Fortune Teller
2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!
Doctor
3 • I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this' [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.'
Alarm clock
4 • A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.'
Soup
5 • I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'
Doctor (2)
6 • My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!
• 30 great one-liners
Dreams
7 • Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.
Driver
8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'
Gambling
9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

Music
10 • I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?
Betting
11 • You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time
Jester
12 • What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!
Kangaroo
13 • What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs
Marriage
14 • My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.
Advice
15 • Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.
Pork chops
16 • I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
Marriage (2)
17 • I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'
Undertakers
18 • Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down
Doctor (3)
19 • I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.

Sleep
20 • I sleep like a baby . . I wake up screaming every morning around 3am.
Put-down
21 • There's no end to his talent – and no beginning either.
Ballet
22 • I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.
• 100 funny jokes from 100 funny comedians
Doctor (4)
23 • I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.'
Waiter
24 • I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner.'
Cannibals
25 • Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

caille · 21-02-2016 09:04PM

A jelly baby goes into the doctor's and says 'Doctor, Doctor, I feel so unwell, I think I might have an STD'.

The doctor looks at the jelly baby, shakes his head and says ' Now, how could you have an STD, you are a jelly baby'.

The jelly baby shakes his head sadly and says, 'I know, Doctor, but I've been sleeping with All Sorts'.

Ba da bing, ba da boom :-()

Mr Tibbs · 21-02-2016 09:23PM

I was blessed with a huge dick when I was young
Thankfully the preist was caught shortly afterwards

michael.dublin · 26-02-2016 10:24AM

New Company word of the day: “FOCUS”
When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS

**** Off Cause U’re Stupid

valoren · 26-02-2016 10:36AM

More a quip than a joke but from the show QI.

Shows picture of Hitler lining up with his commanding officers.

Stephen Fry points out Goebbels, who is on the far right of the picture.

David Mitchell: "Actually, they're all on the far right!"

kleefarr · 26-02-2016 08:54PM

kleefarr wrote: »

Why do women have legs?

Have you ever seen the mess a snail leaves behind?

(For those who cannot see spoilers on phones.)

JCX BXC · 27-02-2016 09:59PM

kleefarr wrote: »

(For those who cannot see spoilers on phones.)

I can see spoilers on my phone, just tap them.

jake66 · 27-02-2016 10:20PM

Did ye here about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac???
He was awake all night wondering if there was a Dog...

Mr Tibbs · 29-02-2016 01:47AM

The lead actress in the local pantomime Cinderella was sexually abused from behind last night on stage. To be fair to the audience they did try to warn her

MonkieSocks · 29-02-2016 05:08PM

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

The lead actress in the local pantomime Cinderella was sexually abused from behind last night on stage. To be fair to the audience they did try to warn her

that Jimmy Savile turns up everywhere :eek:

Ted_YNWA · 29-02-2016 05:13PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

that Jimmy Savile turns up everywhere :eek:

Oh no he doesn't .....

porte · 29-02-2016 06:32PM

Why did Ireland have the potato famine,............

Because we forgot where we planted them.

BattleCorp · 01-03-2016 09:04AM

porte wrote: »

Why did Ireland have the potato famine,............

Because we forgot where we planted them.

I know this has thread has long since stopped being "Best joke ye ever heard..." and has more become "any joke ye ever heard...." but is that a joke above, seriously?

kleefarr · 01-03-2016 09:13AM

Carnacalla wrote: »

I can see spoilers on my phone, just tap them.

Ah good, just there was a post earlier saying that spoilers couldn't be seen on their phone, but I suppose some phones can and some phones can't.

K.Flyer · 01-03-2016 11:52AM

BattleCorp wrote: »

I know this has thread has long since stopped being "Best joke ye ever heard..." and has more become "any joke ye ever heard...." but is that a joke above, seriously?

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

K.Flyer · 01-03-2016 11:53AM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

K.Flyer · 01-03-2016 11:59AM

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

chewed · 01-03-2016 01:04PM

What do you do if you are attacked by a circus mob?

Go for the juggler.

01-03-2016 09:53PM

I wasn't sure weather to post this here or in the whether forum to poke fun at the snow lovers. :P

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

John T Carroll · 01-03-2016 10:09PM

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO,
who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get ****ed."

K.Flyer · 01-03-2016 11:51PM

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom, not so sure where this was going, said ok and went upstairs.
The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He then went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your lazy ass out of that bed, and fix that kid of ours some ****ing ice cream."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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