The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

08-01-2016 10:21PM

First mention of hell in the Bible?

Well theologists argue that Jacobs reference to "Sheol" on learning if the death of his son in Genesis 37:36 is akin to what we might describe as "hell".

Capt'n Midnight · 08-01-2016 11:08PM

Jesus saves. But he's not on PAYE.

lolokeogh · 08-01-2016 11:30PM

The world's greatest mind-reader died today. He was said to have inherited his gifts from his parents.

Our thoughts are with his family.

MonkieSocks · 09-01-2016 03:41PM

First mention of Television in the Bible,

God spoke to Moses from a Bush

09-01-2016 03:45PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

First mention of Television in the Bible,

God spoke to Moses from a Bush

WOW!

Capt'n Midnight · 09-01-2016 04:15PM

what was the first sign of football in the bible?
When Jesus went up for the cross.

What first use of the internet hacking mentioned in the Bible ?
Adam using an Apple to gain forbidden knowledge.

The first mention of "computer languages" in the Bible.
"Go FORTH and multiply!"

The first mention of "race fixing" in the Bible.
Jesus told Lazarus to "come Fourth."

The first mention of "constipation" in the Bible.
"Baalam's ass would not move."

The first mention of "laxatives" in the Bible.
"Moses took two tablets and went up on the mount."

The first mention of "baseball" in the Bible.
"In the Big-Inning"

K.Flyer · 09-01-2016 08:40PM

^^^^^^

Working your way through the Christmas Crackers

coolhull · 10-01-2016 01:23AM

Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

10-01-2016 01:28AM

coolhull wrote: »

Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

Usually after the "shooting trouble" section.

Capt'n Midnight · 10-01-2016 02:02AM

Really, really bad Bible ones.

1. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

2, Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds

3. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

4. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the banks of the Nile and drew out
a little prophet.

6. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

8. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

9. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

11. Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

13. Q. Where is the first Baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodial son came home.

16. Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.

18. Q. The Ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

19. Q. After the flood, how many people left the Ark ahead of Noah?
A. 3 because the Bible says Noah went forth out of the Ark.

20. Q. Where is the first mention of Insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam & Eve needed more covered.

25. Q. Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be utter destruction.

27. Q. Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.

30. Q. Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

33. Q. Which is the first instance of tennis playing in the Bible?
A. Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh.

34. Q. What is the first instance of cannibalism in the Bible?
A. 2 Kings 8:1

35. Q. What is the first instance of cricket in the Bible?
A. Peter stood up before the 11 and was bold.

coolhull · 11-01-2016 10:45PM

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges 80e. The Hilton charges 108e. We do it here for 50e...and I get 22e back from the VHI.''

Glen_Quagmire · 11-01-2016 11:39PM

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

byrner88 · 12-01-2016 12:18AM

My wife said, "Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket?"

I said, "Yes. It's because you were being a nosey bitch!"

coolhull · 12-01-2016 10:40PM

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

davidk1394 · 13-01-2016 09:34PM

A man is in the doctors surgery
Doctor: i have good news and bad news
Patient: What's the good news ?
Doctor: you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: whats the bad news ?
Doctor : i should have told you yesterday

coolhull · 14-01-2016 01:27AM

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.''
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop that's the law.''
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the fcuk out of the lawyer with it
Lawyer shouts ''Stop!Stop''
Garda says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

coolhull · 15-01-2016 01:43AM

A little Irishman gets into a lift, looks up and sees a huge black guy standing beside him. The guy looks down and sees the little Irishman standing there, looking curiously up at him
He says, ’’ Turner Brown, 7 feet two inches, weight 19 stone, shoe size 14, testicles weigh two pounds, penis size 12 inches.’’
The little Irishman screams, and falls down in a dead faint
The big guy kneels down beside him, gently brings him to, and asks, ‘’Hey, what’s wrong with you?’’
The Irishman looks up fearfully and asks in a trembling voice, ‘’What did you say to me when I got into the lift?’’
‘’Well,’’ says the big dude,’’ I saw you look up at me, and I thought I’d save you trouble by answering the questions most white folks ask when they see me ......so, 7 feet 2 inches, weight 19 stone, shoes sized 14, testicles weight 2 pounds, penis size 12 inches, ......and my name is Turner Browne’’
The Irish fella says, ‘’ Turner Browne? Oh, thank Jaysis! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.’’

coolhull · 17-01-2016 12:25PM

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

17-01-2016 10:05PM

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 17-01-2016 10:08PM

Start praying please.

Farmer Ed · 17-01-2016 10:24PM

Personally I think it's terrible how they treated Lance Armstrong after he won seven Tour de France while on drugs.

When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

lucky frank lives · 17-01-2016 10:44PM

Gay dog walks into a bar... barks woof.. im here all week

storker · 18-01-2016 01:09AM

Two dwarves, Dave and Kenny were having a night on the town and decided to treat themselves to a couple of hookers. They brought the women back to their hotel, where they had adjacent rooms. Kenny, unfortunately, found himself unable to "perform" and spent the night trying to sleep, listening to Dave next door going "One, two, unnhh....one, two, unnnh...one, two, unnnh..." This went on for most of the night "At least one of us is having fun, lucky bastard," he thought.

Next day at breakfast, Dave asked how he'd got on. "Disaster," he said. "I couldn't...er...perform. But at least you had a good time."

Dave stared at him. "Are you kidding? It was a nightmare. I couldn't even get up on the bed!"

ericl · 21-01-2016 11:36AM

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little ****, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

valoren · 21-01-2016 11:49AM

Tiger Woods is touring Kerry, playing the courses in preparation for the British Open.
On his way to the next course, he pulls his Merc into a village garage.

He get's out and tells the attendant to fill her up.
When the attendant finishes, Tiger reaches into his pocket to pay him.
As he does so, two golf tees fall out onto the ground.

The attendant says "Ah now, what would they be for sir?"
Tiger says "Oh, I just put my balls on those when I'm driving off"

"Ah, those fella's at Mercedes think of everything!"

gramar · 21-01-2016 11:55AM

I had a hernia operation the other day. The nurse told me I could have sex in two weeks. Nice of her to offer.

gramar · 21-01-2016 12:50PM

lucky frank lives wrote: »

Gay dog walks into a bar... barks woof.. im here all week

I don't know where the punchline is there. Maybe the same thing happened as with the gay magician and disappeared with a poof.

Comer1 · 21-01-2016 03:58PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard...

I hate when people tell me I'm going to find something funny and if I don't there must be something wrong with me.

BTW, I didn't

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2016 08:01PM

BREAKING: In a last ditch attempt to save their season, Liverpool FC have dug up the pitch to plant potatoes.

That way they'll have something to lift in May

Curly Judge · 22-01-2016 01:04PM

An old priest lay dying. He sent a message for an Inland Revenue Inspector as well as his solicitor to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the Inland Revenue Inspector and the solicitor were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the solicitor asked, " Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here? "
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly,

"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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