The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

jimgoose · 14-12-2015 09:44AM

"Could Be Worse" Flannery was harmless, more-or-less, but he regularly annoyed people in the village with his habit of pronouncing that it "could be worse" regardless of what tale of woe or tragedy was presented to him. Example: "Wasn't that awful about the fifty people killed in that plane-crash above in Cork Airport??" "Could be worse! Could've been a bigger plane, and a hundred people killed!". So hence the name.

Another local man decided to go off to the army to see what he'd see. That time, some of you might recall, when you were finished with the army and the army finished with you, you were sent home with your trusty Lee Enfield .303 to keep. This fella did his six months and headed home, about a week earlier than expected as it happened. He let himself into his house, and there he discovered his wife in bed with another man. Well, in a fit of temper he made ready his .303 and shot the two of them dead. This was the talk of the village immediately, and of course Flannery was there.

"Could be worse!", he said. "What do you mean it could be worse, you looderamawn??" the men said, "and the two of them shot stone dead in the bed, and another man going to hang for it??" "Could be worse," Flannery insisted, "if yer man had arrived back the previous day it would've been myself that was shot!"

PaddyWilliams · 14-12-2015 10:08AM

Jack and Jill went up a hill
So Jack could lick Jill's f*nny,
Jack got a shock and a mouthful of c*ck,
Cause Jill's a f*cking tranny.

Busted Flat. · 14-12-2015 01:01PM

On his Eightieth birthday, his wife said you stay in bed and I will bring breakfast to you, he was delighted, she arrived up with breakfast and as he sat on the edge of the bed, his wife got down on her knees in front of him and rubbed his toes and said hello little toes you are eighty today happy birthday, she moved up to his knees and said hello knees happy birthday knees you are eighty today, and so on till she reached his tool and she said hello old friend it would have been your birthday today if you weren't dead.

PaddyWilliams · 14-12-2015 01:29PM

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses and all the king'smen,
Said '**** him, he's only an egg'.

Little boy blew... Hey he needed the money

coolhull · 14-12-2015 10:55PM

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today so I ran after him and handed it to him.

He said, "Thank you so much" then he looked up and down the street, brought his head close to mine, and muttered in a low voice, "Don't go to the next Manchester United game"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because they're boring as fcuk''

Mr Tibbs · 15-12-2015 12:13PM

A Young man called Bob wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Roches Stores ladies department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Roches had a free gift wrap offer for Christmas but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Bob got the knickers.
Good old Bob sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Kate,

I chose these because I've noticed that you were not wearing any when we went out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit, because they will be damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Bob.

Wes Palmer Lee · 15-12-2015 11:24PM

Ha! It's an old one but it's still a great one!!!
Tears of laughter here

patmac · 16-12-2015 12:05AM

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “Can you have a look at him” he says, “I think he’s cross-eyed” So the vet picks up the dog and examines him. “I’m going to have to put him down” says the vet. “Why, just because he’s cross eyed?”…”No” says the vet, “because he’s heavy”

rolliepoley · 17-12-2015 07:58PM

A new church opened in the town and the vicar advertised for religious couples to join the church.3 couples responded to this and were interviewed by the vicar..who set them a test of abstaining from sex for 2 weeks...after which they met the vicar again.

The first couple..in their 70s said.."no problems..we never even thought about it"

The second couple in their 40s said.."it was ok after we got through the first week"

The third couple..newly married in their 20s....the young guy said "we were doing ok until she dropped the paint"

The vicar said"The Paint?"

Yes he said " She dropped a tin of paint and she bent down to pick it up..well she was wearing a short skirt..she showed all she had..I couldnt resist and we had sex there and then"

The Vicar said "Im afraid you are not welcome in my church after that"

The young guy said..."Thats ok..were not welcome in B & Q anymore either"

Mesrine65 · 17-12-2015 08:03PM

What's the last thing you want to hear after having sex?

How's about that then boys & gals...lovely, lovely, lovely :eek:

rolliepoley · 17-12-2015 08:46PM

Mesrine65 wrote: »

What's the last thing you want to hear after having sex?

How's about that then boys & gals...lovely, lovely, lovely :eek:

Now then. now then. now then.

Capt'n Midnight · 17-12-2015 09:04PM

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

rolliepoley · 18-12-2015 11:34AM

Just opened a Christmas present from my uncle. It was a box of rice.

Thanks Uncle Ben.

rolliepoley · 18-12-2015 11:37AM

I was about to buy a Blue peter advent calendar... Then i remembered i had made one earlier.

masti123 · 18-12-2015 11:41PM

How do you confuse a gay person?

Eight.

bnt · 19-12-2015 08:37AM

Just after I got married, on our honeymoon, I once gave my new wife €10 as I was falling asleep, out of force of habit. Then I remembered I was now married, was mortified and tried to apologise ... but it was OK, she wasn't offended at all. Even better, she gave me €5 in change.

MonkieSocks · 19-12-2015 04:28PM

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'

Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '

'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '

Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'

coolhull · 21-12-2015 02:52AM

Marks And Spencer's new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

They're right too. It'd be Chrita.

coolhull · 21-12-2015 02:52AM

Marks And Spencer's new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

They're right too. It'd be Chrita.

Hitchens · 21-12-2015 05:28PM

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?”, the homeowner asks.

“I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze.
The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.”, says the gorilla remover, and hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?”, asks the surprised homeowner.

“If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, please shoot the dog.”

coolhull · 22-12-2015 03:39PM

I've just bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav. It keeps telling me to Turn Around, and every so often it starts Fallin' Apart

Kerry Gooner · 22-12-2015 03:56PM

coolhull wrote: »

I've just bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav. It keeps telling me to Turn Around, and every so often it starts Fallin' Apart

I bet you also get lost in France

eisenberg1 · 22-12-2015 04:01PM

Kerry Gooner wrote: »

I bet you also get lost in France

She also is very good at DIY in Glasgow;)

Capt'n Midnight · 22-12-2015 04:44PM

Kerry Gooner wrote: »

I bet you also get lost in France

Well you would if you were going Faster Than the Speed of Night.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 22-12-2015 05:20PM

Kerry Gooner wrote: »

I bet you also get lost in France

It's a heartache when that happens and you're left Sitting on the edge of the ocean.

MonkieSocks · 22-12-2015 06:54PM

A woman was arrested for attacking her husband with his guitars.

The judge asks "First offender?"

And the woman says "No, First a Gibson, then a Fender"

Nodster · 22-12-2015 09:04PM

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that?" he asked. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs"

Capt'n Midnight · 23-12-2015 10:33PM

Last Christmas I gave you my heart,
but the very next day you correctly pointed out that it could not be mine as I was still alive and your fiancé had been missing for a week.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-12-2015 10:34PM

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have changed the battery in the carbon monoxide detector.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-12-2015 10:39PM

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the An Post sorting office.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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