The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

22-11-2015 10:24PM

Shannon757 wrote: »

Most of us aren't though:rolleyes:

Nevermind.

Short translation,
He got the computer to e-mail excuses for him, set a clients system to restore a backuo and remotely controlled the coffee machine to have the coffee ready for him when he walked over to it.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 22-11-2015 10:25PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Nevermind.

Short translation,
He got the computer to e-mail excuses for him, set a clients system to restore a backuo and remotely controlled the coffee machine to have the coffee ready for him when he walked over to it.

Now that's hillarious.

Shannon757 · 22-11-2015 10:25PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Nevermind.

Short translation,
He got the computer to e-mail excuses for him, set a clients system to restore a backuo and remotely controlled the coffee machine to have the coffee ready for him when he walked over to it.

Thank you

Clive Bisquette · 22-11-2015 10:28PM

hey! the guy put in a joke which was moderately funny..very funny to cone heads !

Dosn't deserve the shoite he is getting..if you don't get it ...just leave it ...

MonkieSocks · 24-11-2015 07:28PM

:rolleyes:

I went to a Seafood disco last week...

Pulled A Mussel.

chughes · 24-11-2015 11:22PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

:rolleyes:

I went to a Seafood disco last week...

Pulled A Mussel.

........ and she gave you crabs........

coolhull · 24-11-2015 11:43PM

]Pharmacy Notice

As of March 2016, Viagra will only be available under its chemical name.
Please ask your pharmacist for Mycoxaflopin

jimgoose · 25-11-2015 12:18AM

gramar wrote: »

SA...systems admin...silly arsehole???

RTFM the RFCs && [H-S]TFU.

Savage Tyrant · 25-11-2015 12:36PM

Husband receives a text from his wife one cold day.
"Windows frozen. Won't open. What do I do?"
He replies "Pour a little warm water on it... And then GENTLY tap the edges with a hammer"
10 minutes later he gets another text from the wife.
"Hasn't worked. Made things worse. The laptop is really fûcked now"

MonkieSocks · 25-11-2015 03:04PM

chughes wrote: »

........ and she gave you crabs........

It's easy to get rid of the Crabs

You fill a Bath with Warm Water,

Sprinkle some Salt in,

Throw in a bit of Sand and a few Pebbles,

Strip off and get in,

Wait for about ten minutes, THEN quickly pull the Plug.

The Crabs will think the tides going out and they'll all run away.

The End

deandean · 25-11-2015 07:53PM

Q: What do you call a black kleptomaniac?

A: A thief.

MonkieSocks · 26-11-2015 12:25AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8hWkiF5txU

eisenberg1 · 26-11-2015 08:10PM

Quiz time.

Q. A very nervous, young boxer, took a sh1t in the ring, but went on to take the title. I need the year, and the venue?

eisenberg1 · 26-11-2015 08:25PM

A. Crufts 1977

MonkieSocks · 27-11-2015 08:00PM

A Man who had a little Too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and is swerving all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

“Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" says the cop.

"Oh, thank heavens for that," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

kupus · 27-11-2015 08:42PM

Why My Liberal Neighbors Aren’t Speaking To Me Anymore

I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberals, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’
Her parents beamed with pride.

’Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.‘

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ’ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ‘

I said, ‘Welcome to Conservatism.’
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

Mr Tibbs · 01-12-2015 03:30PM

I hung my Manchester United shirt out on the washing line last night, went to fetch it this morning and it was on the ground. Some b*stard robbed my pegs.

MonkieSocks · 02-12-2015 07:50AM

It's important to keep fit as you get older.

My granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60.

Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Mr Tibbs · 02-12-2015 09:47PM

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each
and made a profit of €998'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Bank of Ireland

Zen65 · 03-12-2015 12:55AM

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down
I was addicted to soap. I’m clean now
Whiteboards are remarkable

rolliepoley · 03-12-2015 07:33PM

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Capt'n Midnight · 07-12-2015 12:01AM

Forecasters have rated storm Desmond as a 2.2

The Met Office are going to call all storms 'Desmond' for the foreseeable future - because we're in for a terrible series...

suave.4u · 07-12-2015 12:11AM

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times
about a bank robbery on March 2,1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled
with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of
smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found - only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's
audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to
eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the
safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a single
diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained
covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"

dinorebel · 07-12-2015 12:30AM

Do you know what I really really hate?

Russian Dolls always full of themselves.

Capt'n Midnight · 07-12-2015 10:05PM

An acquaintance from Limerick has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet.

I asked him which website he saw them on. He replied,

"Google Earth"

Capt'n Midnight · 07-12-2015 10:10PM

"You are the toxin in this family!"

I shouted at Auntie Jen.

rolliepoley · 08-12-2015 07:31PM

I got my wife an artificial leg for christmas, It's not her main present just a stocking filler.

Mr Tibbs · 10-12-2015 12:53AM

I was in the supermarket today when this fella threw a block of cheese at me
I thought that wasn't very mature

MonkieSocks · 10-12-2015 07:05PM

Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole.

Paddy shouts down: MICK......have you broken anything!?

Mick shouts back: NO..........there's nothing down here to break!

rolliepoley · 10-12-2015 09:07PM

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cnut?" The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets a newspaper. He opens it, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman which had been censored. "You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?" "Yes." "Well the person who put them there is a cnut."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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