Why do you want/ not want children?

Sweet Rose · 22-09-2014 01:02AM

I had an unexpected pregnancy at 26. I was very lucky that I had a permanent job at the time and I was in some way financially secure. I'm 28 now and I'm so glad I have my daughter. She means the world to me. I couldn't imagine my life without her now, even though I've had to make so many sacrifices in my life and there have been a lot of tough moments, I just wouldn't change it. I feel like I don't have to face this world on my own and she's my little buddy on our big adventure together. I'm looking forward to having lots and lots more fun times with her

sashafierce · 25-09-2014 08:58PM

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OldNotWIse · 26-09-2014 11:08AM

sashafierce wrote: »

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This. I worry incessantly about something happening to my dog. I practically have the house childproofed when we go out and will lock every door and window, unplug everything (only short of turning it off at the mains), remove all possible choking hazards and put the toilet seat down lest she decide to fall in head first and drown...

Imagine what I'd be like with a kid? 18+ years of worry that starts with checking on them every ten minutes for the first year of their life to make sure they are still breathing to lying in bed at night waiting to hear their key in the door.

LegacyUser · 27-09-2014 02:12AM

I am single, childless and in my early 40's.
I believe that children deserve to have a mother and father that want them and are in a position to care for them. I admire anyone who is a single parent as it is hard to bring up a child with 2 parents.
I watched friends/family members having children. Within a few years I saw the time, effort and money needed to bring up a child or children.

At this stage of my life I only have to worry about myself. I can take holidays outside of school time. I enjoy meeting friends and family children and I talk to them about there hobbies, toys and I even play computer games with them.
I have friends with children and childless friends so I have the best of both worlds.

At this stage of my life even if I met someone I would not be keen to have a child. Due to my age I would be worried about having a child with special needs.

JanaMay · 29-09-2014 05:52PM

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Very happily childfree & while I could give a plethora of (very logical) reasons why I don't want children, in the end it comes down to "I simply don't want them, never have & I'm certain I never will".
For a lot of people, I don't think it's necessarily a conscious choice, it's more of an orientation. Same (I guess) as people who always knew they wanted kids.

I agree with this. I have children, words can't say how much I love them. I was never 'baby mad' but definitely have always known that I wanted children.

Yes, it's a 'sacrifice': I have less money to spend on what I want, less free time for just me, more worry, less time dedicated to career and partner etc. But they give me more than I can ever give them.

You're right, it's not always a conscious choice. It's often something you feel inside, maybe like having a faith, or as you say an orientation. I certainly didn't feel incomplete without them, and would never consider a childfree person as incomplete, but for me they are the most important part of my life. (Not the only part that's important though.)

DazMarz · 29-09-2014 06:20PM

I'm a guy, and it's amazing how ridiculously broody I can get. I'm single too; haven't had a long-term relationship in years. Partly down to the unsocial hours I used to work, partly down to my being in a nice, comfy place being single and not wanting to get out of it and partly to just not having met someone I wanted to share my life with...yet.

But I see my cousins (I'm an only child, so no nieces and nephews for me) getting married and having kids and stuff, and it's great. Plus, I had a ball with young relations from America who were over last summer.

I love kids and I'm very good with them and I think kids are the coolest. I generally think I'd love to have kids someday.

I get all these really idealised and sappy daydreams from time to time: taking them to their first football match, watching them in their first school play, their first day at school... just basically having a mini version of me to hang out with, be the cool dad and all that. This is, of course, ignoring the absence of sleep, the shítty nappies, the lack of money, the lack of "me" time ever again (for at least 20-odd years anyway), etc.

But I think the pro's definitely outweigh the con's for me.

And I'm going to get crucified for this one: I think if I had to choose, I'd prefer a son over a daughter...

Don't get me wrong, I'd love any kid I'd have absolutely and unconditionally. But I think the idealised future I have (football matches, etc.) are all geared towards a son... but if football matches had to be replaced with ballet recitals and stuff, so be it! And hey, who knows? Maybe I'll have a daughter who loves football!

But basically, yeah... I want kids. At some point in the future. I want a little wuzzums to never let me have a lie-in on Sundays again, to be someone I can love unconditionally and someone who I will do my best to raise to be a great person and someone who will be all they can be!

Esterhase · 01-10-2014 10:06AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

This. I worry incessantly about something happening to my dog. I practically have the house childproofed when we go out and will lock every door and window, unplug everything (only short of turning it off at the mains), remove all possible choking hazards and put the toilet seat down lest she decide to fall in head first and drown...

Imagine what I'd be like with a kid? 18+ years of worry that starts with checking on them every ten minutes for the first year of their life to make sure they are still breathing to lying in bed at night waiting to hear their key in the door.

I'm almost the same with my own dog. Every now and then she might make a weird retching noise, or look like she's limping for a moment, or I might drop a bit of chocolate within her reach and I instantly fill up with dread every time. Even though I know right well she's just burping with her mouth wide open, stepping over weeds, and won't go near food if I tell her not to.

I can't imagine living with that level of constant worry for a child, or multiple children, for years on end. My own mammy still likes me to text her when she know's I've been driving home by myself late at night - a full 26 years after the 'OMG TINY DEFENCELESS BABY' stage of motherhood. She knows it's silly but can't help it. Of course there is much joy to be had to make up for the stress, but I'm not at all interested in that right now. That's just not the kind of life I want for myself.

OldNotWIse · 01-10-2014 11:33AM

Esterhase wrote: »

I'm almost the same with my own dog. Every now and then she might make a weird retching noise, or look like she's limping for a moment, or I might drop a bit of chocolate within her reach and I instantly fill up with dread every time. Even though I know right well she's just burping with her mouth wide open, stepping over weeds, and won't go near food if I tell her not to.

I can't imagine living with that level of constant worry for a child, or multiple children, for years on end. My own mammy still likes me to text her when she know's I've been driving home by myself late at night - a full 26 years after the 'OMG TINY DEFENCELESS BABY' stage of motherhood. She knows it's silly but can't help it. Of course there is much joy to be had to make up for the stress, but I'm not at all interested in that right now. That's just not the kind of life I want for myself.

I thought that was just my mother! I remember the first time I moved out they were giving me odds and ends for the kitchen and she was going through the knives trying to find the bluntest one until my dad suggested she be done with it and just give me a spoon. It was a basement flat and she was really worried about someone breaking in and running away with me*, until she saw the bars on the windows and breathed a sigh of relief...which was quickly displaced by the worry of how I would escape if there was a fire... :rolleyes:

* and it's not as if I had a sharp knife to protect myself with

01-10-2014 11:34AM

The bluntest knife! That's hilarious. And then you break out the knife sharpener and freak her out

Gatica · 01-10-2014 11:36AM

ha ha ha... I must be one of the few that didn't have a worrying parent. I'd worry about them more if they were out late.
Mum also let my brother use a knife when he was 5, which I found very irresponsible as I kept worrying he'd cut off his finger or worse, fall off the chair with it.

kylith · 01-10-2014 11:42AM

Gatica wrote: »

ha ha ha... I must be one of the few that didn't have a worrying parent. I'd worry about them more if they were out late.

Do you come from a big family like I do? By the time my parents got to me they'd used up all their worry on the older kids. Basically as long as I wasn't bleeding or on fire they figured I was grand.

Gatica · 01-10-2014 11:43AM

nope, small family all around. She was just never the worrying type. I got locked out from the house when I didn't come home by 11 one time, as she assumed I'd stayed at a friend's house and just locked up and went to bed! I was under 18 anyway...

Lucyfur · 01-10-2014 11:59AM

kylith wrote: »

Basically as long as I wasn't bleeding or on fire they figured I was grand.

Ha!! This is my approach to parenting

Esterhase · 01-10-2014 12:02PM

That's brilliant OldNotWise! Looks like I got off relatively lightly!
When I first moved out I was given tea towels and told to be super careful on the balcony of my apartment - cause ya know I might have been swinging off the railings otherwise. :pac:

The reminders to feed myself (and not just noodles because that's not a proper dinner, I have some leftover mince here if you want to collect that, your sister won't eat it because you know how she is and there are some spuds in the fridge as well......) have stopped now that I've managed a few years away from home without starving to death, so that's a nice load off her mind.

I love her to bits

Sunny Dayz · 01-10-2014 12:09PM

My hubby's parents live about a 4 hour drive away. When we get there I have to text my mum to let her know we are there safe. When we get back to our home place after spending a few days with his parents, we both have to text our Mums to let them know we got back to our own house ok. We have been together for nearly 10 years!

When I go over to my mum's, she does be trying to give me left overs as well! Guilt tripped into it: "Take that with you, sure I'll only be throwing it out otherwise!"

eviltwin · 01-10-2014 12:40PM

I have to be honest I don't worry about my kids all that much

maybe that makes me a bad mammy but I think worry is such a waste of time, all you can do is put in place as much safety and security as possible and hope for the best. My eldest is going on her first ever overseas school trip this weekend and her dad is having kittens thinking all sorts of terrible things will happen but I just find it really exciting for her. The things I do worry about though are things I can't control, will they be happy, will they find work, will they get mixed up in drugs etc.

meeeeh · 01-10-2014 01:29PM

+1 to that.

Also if I would worry about my dog eating chocolate, I'd have hart attack by now. One night he stole a whole packet of airport size toblerone and all that was left was some wrapping on he floor (luckily it was the white one) and last Easter our eldest fed him half of the Easter eggs he didn't like before we spotted it. The dog is fat but still alive. He is a big dog and without any special fuss he survived 8 years, so I guess he is ok.

Neyite · 01-10-2014 02:36PM

DazMarz wrote: »

And I'm going to get crucified for this one: I think if I had to choose, I'd prefer a son over a daughter... Don't get me wrong, I'd love any kid I'd have absolutely and unconditionally. But I think the idealised future I have (football matches, etc.) are all geared towards a son... but if football matches had to be replaced with ballet recitals and stuff, so be it! And hey, who knows? Maybe I'll have a daughter who loves football!

Gender disappointment is quite common on parenting forums, and can be quite traumatic for some people. Personally, I've seen enough niblings to see the tomboyish girl who loves sports to the boy being dragged to rugby but he prefers ballet and dolls. I cant say I had a preference, but it would be nice to have one of each gender.

Scarinae · 01-10-2014 05:16PM

Neyite wrote: »

Personally, I've seen enough niblings to see the tomboyish girl who loves sports to the boy being dragged to rugby but he prefers ballet and dolls.

My aunt was the only daughter in a five-child family, and my Granny was delighted to have a girl, but my aunt wasn't a girly girl at all and hated being made to wear dresses when all she wanted to do was go climbing trees with her brothers. She was given a doll once and she hated it so much that she pulled off its head and buried it in the garden - my grandparents thought that one of the boys had done it and that she would be devastated so they sent it to the Dolls' Hospital to be repaired

She was actually very upset to get it back!

On topic though, I'm on the fence about having children. I'd be worried about screwing the child up, and I don't know how I could ever afford it anyway. Childbirth terrifies me. Also, I enjoy sleeping.

loubian · 01-10-2014 06:01PM

I'm the oldest grandchild on both sides so I've been around babies my whole life. I'm looking into a career in childhood education and I have a one year old daughter. I am just naturally maternal and love kids. Everyone says how natural I am with kids and how great a teacher id make. It never occurred to me to not have children but I thought it would occur the Disney way - falling in love, marriage, kids, happily ever after. But I'm a single mother with a harassing ex and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I do still want more. Yes I'm afraid I'll screw them up, be a bad parent, ruin my body, get no more sleep, but it's just who I am and what I want. My baby is snoring on my chest now and I don't want to move ever.

DazMarz · 01-10-2014 11:06PM

Neyite wrote: »

Gender disappointment is quite common on parenting forums, and can be quite traumatic for some people. Personally, I've seen enough niblings to see the tomboyish girl who loves sports to the boy being dragged to rugby but he prefers ballet and dolls. I cant say I had a preference, but it would be nice to have one of each gender.

I wouldn't be disappointed at all. Once they're healthy and happy. I'd love them so, so much. I just have all these daydreams and idealised visions of my future kids... and admittedly, most of them are very centred around the concept of a son. But I basically wouldn't care, at the back of it.

If I had a son who turned out to prefer more stereotypical "girls" things, who cares? If he wants to do Irish dancing rather than football, so be it. There might be a little twinge of disappointment at first that he won't be scoring the winning point in the County Championship Final in years to come... but he might pick up the All Ireland Dancing medal instead! (Billy Elliott springs to mind, no?)

Same if I had a daughter! If she prefers rough-housing it with the lads, fair enough. Though I can only imagine I'd be some prick to any potential boyfriends that arrived at the door:

(NSFW language abounds)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APhw7rju-Co

And I totally agree; one of each would be the absolute ideal! Want the boy to be older, though... to back me up during "the talk" with the daughter's boyfriends.

SMJSF · 26-10-2014 02:28PM

No kids for me! I can't see kids in my life down the road. I'm too independent since living on my own for the past 2 years.

I just cant interact/communicate with them in a childish way if you know what you mean.
Like if they draw a picture people can emphasise like a "wow".... I cant do that. I end up talking to them like an adult.

Sometimes kids are nice, but its great when you can hand them back!!

rosie16 · 30-10-2014 11:38PM

Children frighten me

I don't know how to deal with them. Stick me in a room with a child and I've no idea what to do. Plus I'm the youngest in both my immediate and extended family so I never had contact/interaction with children younger than me growing up. It just doesn't appeal to me. I have no interest. Everyone says when you're older you'll want kids but honestly I just can't see that changing. And it doesn't bother me.

BadMoonRising · 01-12-2014 10:31PM

Im 50/50 about whether or not I want them.
Im no good with kids as im not used to them, but I think I could learn if I had to, and Im sure I'd grow fond of my own kids :P I live in fear of the biological clock kicking in tbh, Im glad I dont have that urge to have them that some women do as Ive seen people settle with anyone to have kids which I'd hate to do, but I know for some women the longing for kids makes it worth it for them, which is fair enough.

serendipity i am · 02-12-2014 05:45PM

I don't want children. I just worry that if I were to, I'd treat them the same way that my parents treated me. I would want them to feel safe and loved, not frightened. I can get frustrated at times, and wouldn't want to take my anger out on anyone.

I'm extremely driven by my career, and wouldn't want to neglect my duty as a parent.

Also I can't stand the thought of my cervix dilating 10cm to push it out!!

goiko · 01-01-2015 05:41AM

rainbow kirby wrote: »

29 and engaged, no kids yet but hoping to have them in the future.

Never really wanted them before my current relationship, things just feel right in this one. The idea of having a little person out there that combines our best bits sounds awesome. I know it will be hard work and expensive, but I look forward to the challenge!

This

Up until I met my current boyfriend 4+ years ago I had absolutely no interest in children, not only I did not want to have kids but I didn't even want them to get close to me, I found them scary and far from cute. If I ever bumped into a family with children and pets I would always pet the doggies and ignore the babies. Then I met my boyfriend and decided to work as an aupair so I could be close to him and the whole experience changed my mind completely! I can't wait to have kids with him, I can only imagine how amazing it will be despite the hard work. i have realised that the only reason I did not like kids is because I was always the youngest one in my family and so I didn't know how to interact with them neither was interested in learning until I had no other choice. My cousins have children now and I absolutely love them. I still struggle to find babies cute and, as someone said before, I can't see their cuteness until they turn at least 2 years old, but I think that's only because I don't have any experience with babies. My only worry is the whole pregnancy process as well as finding out that the baby isn't healthy, that would break my heart.

I am very surprised by the amount of people that seem not to want to have kids by the way!

meeeeh · 01-01-2015 10:35AM

goiko wrote: »

I am very surprised by the amount of people that seem not to want to have kids by the way!

Why? Four years ago you would be among them. I was there in my twenties. I have a sneaky feeling it is a statistic that can't be taken overly serious if includes replays of under thirties.

NI24 · 01-01-2015 12:29PM

Being the youngest in a small family, I've never been around a lot of little kids, so having children was never a primary goal. And to be more blunt, imho, most men are shallow. Beauty and youth are the #1 thing men look for in women, and if I ever find myself single past the age of 30, or worse, past the age of 40, I want to preserve those things as best I can and pregnancy definitely wears those away.

goiko · 01-01-2015 01:31PM

meeeeh wrote: »

Why? Four years ago you would be among them. I was there in my twenties. I have a sneaky feeling it is a statistic that can't be taken overly serious if includes replays of under thirties.

Only because I thought it wasn't such a common thing! I'm 23 and I already know I want kids, most people I know are the same. I am not saying it's a bad thing at all, I just thought there was a general trend towards wanting kids rather than the opposite although, as you said, that might change as people get older

Rips · 01-01-2015 02:10PM

meeeeh wrote: »

Why? Four years ago you would be among them. I was there in my twenties. I have a sneaky feeling it is a statistic that can't be taken overly serious if includes replays of under thirties.

As no one under thirty could possibly know their own mind :rolleyes:

Some people don't put a lot of thought into the fact that having children is a choice, not a prerequisite (where they probably should) and some people lack foresight. For example, starting a relationship, continuing a relationship without knowing or discussing where the other partner stands as far as children are concerned, early on.

There is a big difference between;

'I don't want children now' / can't imagine it, don't think that it interests me
and

'I don't want children ever' - anti-children, anti-natalist, deciding that children are something that you definitely don't want.

Its attitudes like yours, that prevent people from being able to make decisions about their own lives (such as choosing to be sterilised <30)

Childfree by choice is a growing demographic, there is also a thread in forum requests active, looking to establish a childfree section.

Why do you want/ not want children?

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