Why do you want/ not want children?

ash23

I don't mind being honest about it although I'm sure many would be aghast at it. But as I said, I think that for people who are on the fence about it, it's no harm to be honest about the bad bits of being a parent. And there are of course bad bits. Awesome bits and bad bits. I was blessed to have a child who was very good but cursed to have a partner who wasn't. I was blessed to have a healthy child but I don't know if I'd have coped with a child with special needs.

There's a gamble involved in becoming a parent and really, you don't know until you take the leap as to how you will find it. Some people are willing to take that chance, some aren't. Each to their own.

Dolbert

username123 wrote: »

The mere notion that unhappy parents exist has been challenged strongly on this thread - which is sad because sweeping an unhappy truth under the carpet doesnt make it any less true. It would be better if we could talk about these things and look at ways to improve the situation for people who do find themselves unhappier since they started parenting instead of pretending its just a nonsense that childfree people make up to validate their choices.

Actually it was the notion that most parents are unhappy, not that unhappy parents exist.

diveout

ash23 wrote: »

I don't mind being honest about it although I'm sure many would be aghast at it. But as I said, I think that for people who are on the fence about it, it's no harm to be honest about the bad bits of being a parent. And there are of course bad bits. Awesome bits and bad bits. I was blessed to have a child who was very good but cursed to have a partner who wasn't. I was blessed to have a healthy child but I don't know if I'd have coped with a child with special needs.

There's a gamble involved in becoming a parent and really, you don't know until you take the leap as to how you will find it. Some people are willing to take that chance, some aren't. Each to their own.

I couldn't agree more with everything you have written on this thread. I parented and parent alone and I am sure that changes my perspective, but it nearly destroyed me and I think it did do a lot of damage in that I did not come out unscathed from it all. I will never know if I didn't parent alone if I would have another attitude to it.

Also, some women are really maternal and good at the whole baby stage. I am not one of those women. I had to work at it alot. It's not like the baby was born and I suddenly bloomed with overwhelming love and all the stuff you hear and all these instincts got activated.

But I do think, that depending on who you are one could be not such a great mom in the baby stage but a great mom in the adolescent stage. Or if you are really maternal and great in the baby goochie goo phase, you might not be so great in the adolescent stage where a different approach is demanded. So it can be swings and roundabouts too.

Also it can depend on your own childhood too. If you had a really rough one, it could be hard negotiating your own child's uprbinging and you may just not want to reface your own childhood by having one. I have a sibling who really when he encounters my child, it triggers all sorts of memories and it's not healthy. It's really bad and I don't think he should have kids until he faces the hurt and moves through it.

meeeeh

I actually think that notion of constantly happy parent is nonsense as is the notion of blissfully happy childfree person. I can't say I am any happier now that I have children then I was in my twenties when I didn't. But I also can't say that I am unhappier. All I know is that for me it meant next stage of my life, I was ready, my partner was ready and in general we are happy about it. But that I would never voluntarily became a single parent and I would abort if I would discover disabilities on the fetus early enough.

Happiness is a combination of circumstances and you can be miserable despite having or not having children. I think the aim is to be content in your life and that is usually when you feel your life is on the right track, despite some setbacks, stress or whatever else might happen that prevents us being happy every single moment.

vitani

Loving the honesty in the last couple of pages. I am exactly the same - I adore my daughter but I don't like being a parent. Quite frankly, I wasn't ready to start devoting my life to another person when I had her, but I know that abortion would have been a worse option for me in the long-term.

Like ash23 and diveout, I parent alone so I wonder if that is the common factor that has coloured our experiences. Becoming a parent wasn't the logical, natural next step in my life - it was something that was unplanned. While I'm coping with it and there's parts of it I love, it's not something I'm particularly eager to do again.

singledad80

Hi I always wanted kids I have one son at the moment, If I ever have any more that are like him I would be a very happy man, he is a legend

diveout

vitani wrote: »

Loving the honesty in the last couple of pages. I am exactly the same - I adore my daughter but I don't like being a parent. Quite frankly, I wasn't ready to start devoting my life to another person when I had her, but I know that abortion would have been a worse option for me in the long-term.

Like ash23 and diveout, I parent alone so I wonder if that is the common factor that has coloured our experiences. Becoming a parent wasn't the logical, natural next step in my life - it was something that was unplanned. While I'm coping with it and there's parts of it I love, it's not something I'm particularly eager to do again.

I think it would colour your experience because kids are so demanding and have so many needs to be met, often at the expense of the parent's, that when you have no one to pass the parcel to, it means a lot of your basic human needs, such as sleep, headspace, whateve,r don't get met.... and that leads to unhappiness, sometimes anger, sometimes serious isolation, depressions, etc.

I can't say I would be eager to do it again tbh. I probably would if I were in a stable and supportive family environment, but other than that, no way.

failinis

1) Genetic illness that can be passed on - don't want anyone let alone a child getting this illness, and I would have to have an abortion if I fell pregnant due to medical risks to me and the baby - literally not able get pregnant with out almost killing myself.

2) I am gay, so no wish to have a child - naturally carrying it myself I mean, even if I was healthy.

3) Not very maternal at all (for now anyway)

However - if I met the right girl an settled down, fully open to adoption (once that craic is legal to gays)

Addle

From Gru on YLYL.

Semele

I've been following this thread with interest. I'm not very maternal and hate the thought of having to devote so much of my time to someone else, potentially losing sight of myself and my goals in the process. Yet I'm not averse to the idea of having older children-I can almost picture myself as an older woman with independent adult children more easily than I can picture myself anytime with a baby!

Part of what repels me is the idea of how, once you have a child, your identity becomes that of a mother, first and foremost, and that this is the role that society sees as your most valuable. While I would undoubtedly love any child that I did have, I would resent the idea that my greatest achievement would become something that most people can and will do, rather than a more hard-earned accomplishment that defines me more as a person. Like career etc would automatically have to take second place, despite that being something I've worked for and wanted for years.

Thinking about it more, I think our society is so responsible for the cult of motherhood that I find so repellant. There is a horrible focus on defining women by their marital and maternal status, and of dictating how they should feel about those things. This seems like a relatively recent development to me and I'd love to find out more about its evolution. I'm a huge reader, and what strikes me about a lot of classic literature (Tolstoy, James etc) is that in those books the great romantic lead characters are so often mothers, yet this is barely mentioned and is certainly not something that defines them either to themselves or others. There is instead a sense that a woman who has been married and had children has increased wisdom, sexuality and worldliness in comparison to the younger characters, who are portrayed as innocent, virginal and rather boring in comparison! Contrast this to mainstream media representation today, where sexuality and excitement are almost exclusively the domain of young women and where there is a Madonna-like fetishisation of the mother who lives entirely for and through her children. I think it is participating in this view of motherhood that I reject, rather than the idea of motherhood itself.

Now I know those books reflect a time where parenting (for the richer classes anyway) was quite distant and uninvolved (not to mention reproductive choice a non-entity) and I don't suggest that's a good model of child-rearing for a moment...but I think somewhere along the way we as a society have swung so far in the other direction that pregnancy and motherhood have gone from being fairly unremarkable events, to being these identity-defining choices. If, through equal parental leave, great affordable childcare and involvement of the wider family (grandparents etc), there was a way to have children and yet not sacrifice my life to the role of Mother, I would be much more inclined to do so in future. It's not that I don't want children, it's that I like me and my life. Can the two co-exist?!

JumpShivers

Mixed feelings...

Firstly, I hate the whole argument that ' your life isn't complete until you have children of your own'.... Just that argument with the typical husband/perfect kids/house/family life.

Myself, on one hand.. I enjoy my freedom too much. I've seen and heard people calling it 'selfish' that a person wouldn't want children for their own gain... But oh well. I enjoy the freedom of kicking back and having a glass of wine, a random meal out or a night to the cinema. Having a bit more money that could go on myself/husband/house/treats.

I love babies, kids.... Maybe. I just don't know whether I'd really enjoy 18 years of raising a few kids, then being too old to enjoy myself again. Why would one want a child, besides the maternal feelings? I don't see any draw to it.
If it happened accidentally, then sure yeah, it could possibly become the best accident.... But realistically, I just don't really *atm* have any want for a child....

diveout

Semele wrote: »

I've been following this thread with interest. I'm not very maternal and hate the thought of having to devote so much of my time to someone else, potentially losing sight of myself and my goals in the process. Yet I'm not averse to the idea of having older children-I can almost picture myself as an older woman with independent adult children more easily than I can picture myself anytime with a baby!

Part of what repels me is the idea of how, once you have a child, your identity becomes that of a mother, first and foremost, and that this is the role that society sees as your most valuable. While I would undoubtedly love any child that I did have, I would resent the idea that my greatest achievement would become something that most people can and will do, rather than a more hard-earned accomplishment that defines me more as a person. Like career etc would automatically have to take second place, despite that being something I've worked for and wanted for years.

Thinking about it more, I think our society is so responsible for the cult of motherhood that I find so repellant. There is a horrible focus on defining women by their marital and maternal status, and of dictating how they should feel about those things. This seems like a relatively recent development to me and I'd love to find out more about its evolution. I'm a huge reader, and what strikes me about a lot of classic literature (Tolstoy, James etc) is that in those books the great romantic lead characters are so often mothers, yet this is barely mentioned and is certainly not something that defines them either to themselves or others. There is instead a sense that a woman who has been married and had children has increased wisdom, sexuality and worldliness in comparison to the younger characters, who are portrayed as innocent, virginal and rather boring in comparison! Contrast this to mainstream media representation today, where sexuality and excitement are almost exclusively the domain of young women and where there is a Madonna-like fetishisation of the mother who lives entirely for and through her children. I think it is participating in this view of motherhood that I reject, rather than the idea of motherhood itself.

Now I know those books reflect a time where parenting (for the richer classes anyway) was quite distant and uninvolved (not to mention reproductive choice a non-entity) and I don't suggest that's a good model of child-rearing for a moment...but I think somewhere along the way we as a society have swung so far in the other direction that pregnancy and motherhood have gone from being fairly unremarkable events, to being these identity-defining choices. If, through equal parental leave, great affordable childcare and involvement of the wider family (grandparents etc), there was a way to have children and yet not sacrifice my life to the role of Mother, I would be much more inclined to do so in future. It's not that I don't want children, it's that I like me and my life. Can the two co-exist?!

This is exactly it.

In fact, it's not the kids that bother me, it's the other adults that bother me once i have a child.

I think its a cultural pathology tbh. But you always had it in Catholic places with the virgin Mary being so adulated.

Semele

Semele wrote: »

I've been following this thread with interest. I'm not very maternal and hate the thought of having to devote so much of my time to someone else, potentially losing sight of myself and my goals in the process. Yet I'm not averse to the idea of having older children-I can almost picture myself as an older woman with independent adult children more easily than I can picture myself anytime with a baby!

Part of what repels me is the idea of how, once you have a child, your identity becomes that of a mother, first and foremost, and that this is the role that society sees as your most valuable. While I would undoubtedly love any child that I did have, I would resent the idea that my greatest achievement would become something that most people can and will do, rather than a more hard-earned accomplishment that defines me more as a person. Like career etc would automatically have to take second place, despite that being something I've worked for and wanted for years.

Thinking about it more, I think our society is so responsible for the cult of motherhood that I find so repellant. There is a horrible focus on defining women by their marital and maternal status, and of dictating how they should feel about those things. This seems like a relatively recent development to me and I'd love to find out more about its evolution. I'm a huge reader, and what strikes me about a lot of classic literature (Tolstoy, James etc) is that in those books the great romantic lead characters are so often mothers, yet this is barely mentioned and is certainly not something that defines them either to themselves or others. There is instead a sense that a woman who has been married and had children has increased wisdom, sexuality and worldliness in comparison to the younger characters, who are portrayed as innocent, virginal and rather boring in comparison! Contrast this to mainstream media representation today, where sexuality and excitement are almost exclusively the domain of young women and where there is a Madonna-like fetishisation of the mother who lives entirely for and through her children. I think it is participating in this view of motherhood that I reject, rather than the idea of motherhood itself.

Now I know those books reflect a time where parenting (for the richer classes anyway) was quite distant and uninvolved (not to mention reproductive choice a non-entity) and I don't suggest that's a good model of child-rearing for a moment...but I think somewhere along the way we as a society have swung so far in the other direction that pregnancy and motherhood have gone from being fairly unremarkable events, to being these identity-defining choices. If, through equal parental leave, great affordable childcare and involvement of the wider family (grandparents etc), there was a way to have children and yet not sacrifice my life to the role of Mother, I would be much more inclined to do so in future. It's not that I don't want children, it's that I like me and my life. Can the two co-exist?!

That's an excellent post, however if you step outside of what is the cultural expectation of parenting in our society you will be judged for it.

I have a friend who when her children where small openly admitted that she put the children to bed early so she and her husband could have time alone together, when the children were older they built on a sort of sunroom/conservatory and at the weekends the children were encouraged not to come in to it because she and her husband like to spend time together reading the newspapers with out the children, they often give the children dinner first and then have their dinner afterwards again so they can have time without the children. They have a great relationship with their children but the way they do it is judged a lot, comment such as why have children If you what to get away form them and so on. I think parenting had become a mind field in out society and a touch stone for every thing that is wrong in society...every problem is blamed on parenting.

Das Kitty

I love that line. "Why have children if you're just going to XYZ...?"

Yes, my kids' needs come ahead of mine. But our wants are on equal footing, IMO.

I also believe that nourishing your relationship with your partner is one of the most important things you can do for your children (and yourselves).

IvyTheTerrible

mariaalice wrote: »

That's an excellent post, however if you step outside of what is the cultural expectation of parenting in our society you will be judged for it.

I have a friend who when her children where small openly admitted that she put the children to bed early so she and her husband could have time alone together, when the children were older they built on a sort of sunroom/conservatory and at the weekends the children were encouraged not to come in to it because she and her husband like to spend time together reading the newspapers with out the children, they often give the children dinner first and then have their dinner afterwards again so they can have time without the children. They have a great relationship with their children but the way they do it is judged a lot, comment such as why have children If you what to get away form them and so on. I think parenting had become a mind field in out society and a touch stone for every thing that is wrong in society...every problem is blamed on parenting.

My son goes to sleep early, we didn't train him it's just how he is. It's so lovely to have 3 or 4 hours of our own time in the evenings. My nephew (not much older than my son) takes hours to go to bed, his parents' evenings just completely revolve around the struggle to get him to sleep, it seems very stressful.

The media and advertisement are a great reflection on where society is at on an issue so with parenting look at a certain ads for follow on milk ( a product that was not around when my children were small ) anyway the ad is a clear explanation of how aspirational parenting has become...a toddler is looking in to a thank of fish or she is dancing and guess what she is going to grown up to be a marine biologist or a ballet dancer!!!!!, both very aspirational careers and its all down to you giving them follow on milk.

eviltwin

Das Kitty wrote: »

I love that line. "Why have children if you're just going to XYZ...?"

Yes, my kids' needs come ahead of mine. But our wants are on equal footing, IMO.

I also believe that nourishing your relationship with your partner is one of the most important things you can do for your children (and yourselves).

Exactly, your kids will grow up and make their own lives, you'll be hopefully with your other half forever. I see couple time and me time as an investment in the family.

ash23

I was out for dinner with himself the other night. Nothing too posh, just a nice bar/restaurant.

We were both sans child for the night. It was about 8.30pm and a family next to us had a small toddler who was clearly wrecked tired and wailing his head off. Himself texted me across the table "best contraceptive ever!!!" and I had to say I agreed.

Watching the couple trying to juggle the weary crying toddler, getting daggers from the table of young lads next to them, getting "helpful advice" from the old dears the other side of them and trying to eat while the child cried and covered them in snot....I will admit, it brought me right back to those days and I was quite happy to be sitting pretty with my glass of wine enjoying my meal with both hands free!

Penny Dreadful

I don't think I can articulate fully why I want to have children - its something very basic and primal in me to a large extent. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and delighted to be. Myself and my husband had been TTC for almost a year before I fell pregnant.
I like children a lot, not so much tiny babies (although I do think they are cute in that tiny baby way) but more so when their personalities start to shine through and they are more interactive.
I like to see them grow up and develop into nice people that will make a positive contribution to society - my nieces and nephews are growing up now (aged from 12-7) and they are lot of fun, they certainly have their moments too! but over all they are good company and I think its a real privilage to be a positive part of their lives.
I was very close to some of my aunts and uncles growing up and they really did have a big influence on my life in a positive way and I think I am very lucky to have had that.
I ended a 10 year relationship because the man I was with at the time admitted that he didn't want to have children ever.
Everyone has a choice as to whether or not they have children and I have absolutely no issue with people exercising that choice. I do think that if you opt to have them you need to be willing to make the changes and adjustments to your life that this requires. I'm lucky in that I have had a lot of fun over the years, gone on great holidays, had my whimsical purchases and my cool car (that I now have to change for something more practical) and don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by having children at this stage.

meeeeh

ash23 wrote: »

I was out for dinner with himself the other night. Nothing too posh, just a nice bar/restaurant.

We were both sans child for the night. It was about 8.30pm and a family next to us had a small toddler who was clearly wrecked tired and wailing his head off. Himself texted me across the table "best contraceptive ever!!!" and I had to say I agreed.

Watching the couple trying to juggle the weary crying toddler, getting daggers from the table of young lads next to them, getting "helpful advice" from the old dears the other side of them and trying to eat while the child cried and covered them in snot....I will admit, it brought me right back to those days and I was quite happy to be sitting pretty with my glass of wine enjoying my meal with both hands free!

I don't mind taking kids out for a meal in the middle of the day but I never understood why at night. Unless you are in the middle of travelling and need to stop for some food I don't know why would you bring that upon yourself. I'm probably luckier than most because kids can spend the night with one or the other set of grandparents. We don't do it that often but we do have kid free evenings out or even weekend breaks.

I realise not every body can do what we can but I also think sometimes parents are a bit too protective or just simply afraid to ask. We visited my parents when our first was six months old. We left the son with my parents and went to a wedding in Florence for four days. On the other habd my brother first asked my mum to take his son when he was 10 months for couple hours. And I think my mum would probably like to have him a bit more often. Speaking of my brother him and sil took the little one to dominicsn Republic for couple of weeks and did some serious travelling around. I don't have patience for such a long flightbut it really doesn't mean that more adventurous side to your life has to end when you have kids.

lazygal

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/11/mother-childfree-happy


For the childfree.

DM addict

This thread is really interesting, and I admire the honesty of the posters. I think one of the most important things that parents can do is admit that it's not all perfect, or easy - and that although you will always love your children, that doesn't mean that you always want them around.

I do want kids. I work in childcare and I love being around kids. I feel like I understand children better than I do most grown-ups. Been married for (nearly) two years now, and probably going to start trying within the next 18 months, although that's still up for debate between ourselves.

When I was younger, having kids wasn't necessarily something I'd wanted - certainly not when I was a teenager. But I love working with kids, and being around them - and I think myself and himself could be good parents - not great parents, and not all the time - but good enough. And it's something we both want.

I do wonder sometimes about some of my friends, who assume that after getting married you'll be reproducing within a year. I've known people who've gone that route, and they don't seem hugely excited about having a child so much as having a baby to dress/buy toys for. But then, everyone is different.

Semele

lazygal wrote: »

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/11/mother-childfree-happy


For the childfree.

Great article, thanks Lazygal! I'd argue that it's not just of interest to the child free though- she touches on the lack of support for mothers in the article. I like how she points out the fundamental disconnect in a society where millions are spent in sentimental tributes to motherhood ( Mother's Day etc) and yet there is so little financial and legal support for families where it would really make a difference. Mothers are sentimentalised and yet devalued as people.

I think it's unfortunate that this debate so easily becomes a childfree versus parents issue ( I am guilty of this myself!). Surely we are all on the same side- that of wanting true, unjudged, supported, CHOICE in our decisions as to whether or not to have children? Even though I'm fairly sure I don't want them, I'm fully in support of legislation and benefits that support women who do. It's a larger feminist issue to me, rather than a children-or-no-children one.

Demonique

1) I can't stand high pitched noises and this includes the shrieks that emit from small children
2) The same sensory problems I have that affect my hearing also effect my sense of smell, smells affect me a lot more than other people, I can't stand the smell of nappies
3) They are expensive, I have no desire to waste money raising a child
4) Family members would stick their noses where they're not wanted in regards to the rearing of said child, they stick their noses where it's not wanted enough already

LegacyUser

I will be 27 this year. In a 10 year relationship and still don't want kids. (or marriage)
I have many reasons.
I mainly hate the responsibility associated with it all. The way I would always have a little child to consider before every life decision. I love my peace and quiet at home and relaxation time. I appreciate being able to go anywhere at he drop of a hat, or do whatever I feel like on a whim.

I have young relatives whom I love and enjoy, but at the same time after awhile I can feel myself feeling very drained and becoming a bit tense/stressed after maybe a whole day in their company. I feel like a release of pressure when I'm at home again. I hope that doesn't sound terrible, because it's not like they are bad kids. They are infact 99% of the time extremely well behaved and very pleasant fun kids that I absolutely adore, I just find kids very tiring like they zap all my zest from me or something?

I am also a mature student with a couple more years to go so that is also my main focus right now. I hope to build myself a successful career in my field and everything is looking very promising so far regarding that. I am getting great grades and there are jobs in this field.

I have not yet travelled many places and would like to do so without kids.

My partner smokes weed and like many others enjoys too much drink at the weekend.(I rarely drink myself anymore) I've no problem with the smoking or I wouldn't still be there, but for some reason I wouldn't want to have kids in a home where weed was smoked daily or every weekend was a party. It just doesn't gel with how I believe kids should be raised in my ideal scenario. As I don't actually want kids it's not an issue. However if I changed my mind about kids it would be an issue. My partner is aware of this.

The above (perhaps aside from my partner) are all common enough reasons why some people don't want kids. Lately though I have been sort of self analysing myself, and have begun to think of another possible reason to explain why I don't have any real maternal yearnings.

Growing up had some alcohol addiction issues in my family and I grew up very quickly. In many respects I am very mature for my age. I am very independent when it comes to taking care of myself financially and I actually find my partner very immature in many ways which we do argue about. Despite him being a good few years older than me, some of his lifestyle choices and spending habits seem like the acts of a teenager to me and not the role I would expect a mature man to act as a father hence my earlier comments. (He is otherwise extremely intelligent, and loving - just disagree over some aspects)

There is a big contrast between my personal and social life. Whilst I had a lot of responsibilities and worries as a teenager at home, in school I was one of the youngest people in my year. Outside school I also had friends who were a few years older than me. I was always the "baby" of the group. When older in houseshares I was again the youngest of the groups. In the entire social group I have met and formed friendships with over the years through my boyfriend who is older than me, I am the youngest by many years. In college now, I am obviously not the youngest but am friends with a mixture of mature students and younger students. Even the younger ones are much more organised academically than me, although I still always manage to bring in top grades thankfully- I seem to do it in a haphazard immature way and my disorganisation and being last minute is a long running joke at this stage.

ALL of my friends outside college have children and majority of mature student friends in college also have children. My friends outside college often nag me and my partner about when are we having kids or getting married, even when I straight out say I don't want them it inevitably comes up again and gets questioned. Not in a nasty way just kind of irritating at the same time. Sometimes I do feel friends think I'm a weirdo/oddball for not wanting the same things as them.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I may have a fear of becoming older? I think it was in this forum before that I read some post that was talking about due to media and culture and the high regard placed on female youth etc -females fear of becoming older and wanting to remain being seen as girls as opposed to women.
I have to admit the first time I heard a mother in a queue in front of me say to her child "move out of the way for the woman" it for some reason sounded strange to me. Or "ask that woman there". I am more used to "let the girl past", "say hello to the girl". The word woman sounded foreign to me ridiculous as that will sound to most.

I see mothers as women and all parents as "grown ups". I don't for a second think that becoming a parent means that you can no longer be fun or do silly things, it's just that you will always have the massive responsibility of the children there underlying everything that needs to be considered.
I had to be a grown up too young in my family, and in my relationship always have to make the more sensible decisions. To friends outside the home I have been seen as the opposite really which has sometimes been an escape for me and a release of expectations and responsibility. I cherish the FREEDOM from responsibility that not having children affords me.

I guess to sum up this jumble of a post, I see parenthood as adult, mature, responsible etc. and I guess even though I will be 27 this year I just don't fully feel like a "responsible adult" yet. I am in many ways in that I've dealt with a lot of death in my family, I've worked from an extremely young age, I take care of myself financially and so on... But I still just don't see myself mentally as a "parent" type and I don't know if I ever will. Aside from these feelings I have also just never had any maternal yearnings or want for a child of my own. I am just pondering what (if any) role my feelings regarding youth and freedom play in this. Freedom and independence are hugely important to me and I don't think I would cope well losing any of that.I get hugely stressed if I ever feel tied down or trapped in any situation. Although I respect and understand that others feel very differently to me in this regard and believe that kids and all they entail are worth infinitely more than their previous childfree lives.
At the minute though, even the THOUGHT of parenthood fills me with a weird feeling of fear, dread and being trapped.

I know some would probably laugh in my face and tell me to grow up or just cop the feck on for not feeling like an adult at nearly 27, but just giving a truthful explanation of how I feel to add to the thread.
Enough self analysing for now I think, sorry for long post.:-D

Gatica

Amazing thread and really refreshing to read other women's perspectives as I used to think that women who didn't want kids were a really really incredibly small minority. I think the point about choice nowadays is a valid one.

I wanted kids when I was small, cos it seemed at the time like it's what all women do. However into my teens I realised I was not drawn to children and didn't find babies fascinating like other women/girls, and for ages felt like there was something wrong with me. In my early 20's I convinced myself the world was a terrible place to bring up children anyway and decided I probably didn't want kids.

However, then I met my OH who I found out felt the opposite. Over time I felt more apathetic to having children (swinging towards a positive you could say), rather than a definite no.
And now for me it has become a natural progression of our relationship. If it wasn't for his desire to have children, and our discussing them, I'm not sure what I would've thought on the topic now. Once we were serious we often talked about our family, our children and what we'd do together, or what we'd do as parents, I wondered what his children would be like or look like. It's funny but now I'm looking forward to having children with him. Not because I suddenly love babies, I don't, but because I want to have us (kinda egocentric? ), mini us.

However, the whole sentimental thing of "I need to be a mother" never hit me. I was never a broody type. I never felt that children were essential to my happiness or fulfilment. I also like being free to choose how I spend my money and my time and I think I'll find that part of it difficult.
My family as his I think has long been expecting children from us. I see the looks, hints and hopes (can't begrudge them that as grandparents to be I suppose) in conversations. I really hate that. It makes me feel under pressure. It is also a really annoying expectation that once you get married you should be popping out kids, or that maybe you're getting married now just so that you can have kids.
Many of our friends who've been getting married were having children soon after, and often when there's a good few who are parents in company 95% of conversation ends up revolving around children or their children. I know it's to be expected. I just wish some conversation could be other than how dark baby poo looks for the first few weeks... LOL!

alleystar wrote: »

I still find pregnancy fascinating though

This! LOL!
Despite not loving children, I always thought it would be nice to just be pregnant. I really like how pregnant women look, all lovely and round. I thought I might be a surrogate back in the day when I didn't think I'd have my own...

lazygal

Just FYI baby poo is only black for a few days. Then you get the nice green/yellow/mustard ones. Yeah it's gross.

Gongoozler

Lovely

Cazzoenorme

Fear of Responsibility wrote: »

I will be 27 this year. In a 10 year relationship and still don't want kids. (or marriage)
I have many reasons.
I mainly hate the responsibility associated with it all. The way I would always have a little child to consider before every life decision. I love my peace and quiet at home and relaxation time. I appreciate being able to go anywhere at he drop of a hat, or do whatever I feel like on a whim.

I have young relatives whom I love and enjoy, but at the same time after awhile I can feel myself feeling very drained and becoming a bit tense/stressed after maybe a whole day in their company. I feel like a release of pressure when I'm at home again. I hope that doesn't sound terrible, because it's not like they are bad kids. They are infact 99% of the time extremely well behaved and very pleasant fun kids that I absolutely adore, I just find kids very tiring like they zap all my zest from me or something?

I am also a mature student with a couple more years to go so that is also my main focus right now. I hope to build myself a successful career in my field and everything is looking very promising so far regarding that. I am getting great grades and there are jobs in this field.

I have not yet travelled many places and would like to do so without kids.

My partner smokes weed and like many others enjoys too much drink at the weekend.(I rarely drink myself anymore) I've no problem with the smoking or I wouldn't still be there, but for some reason I wouldn't want to have kids in a home where weed was smoked daily or every weekend was a party. It just doesn't gel with how I believe kids should be raised in my ideal scenario. As I don't actually want kids it's not an issue. However if I changed my mind about kids it would be an issue. My partner is aware of this.

The above (perhaps aside from my partner) are all common enough reasons why some people don't want kids. Lately though I have been sort of self analysing myself, and have begun to think of another possible reason to explain why I don't have any real maternal yearnings.

Growing up had some alcohol addiction issues in my family and I grew up very quickly. In many respects I am very mature for my age. I am very independent when it comes to taking care of myself financially and I actually find my partner very immature in many ways which we do argue about. Despite him being a good few years older than me, some of his lifestyle choices and spending habits seem like the acts of a teenager to me and not the role I would expect a mature man to act as a father hence my earlier comments. (He is otherwise extremely intelligent, and loving - just disagree over some aspects)

There is a big contrast between my personal and social life. Whilst I had a lot of responsibilities and worries as a teenager at home, in school I was one of the youngest people in my year. Outside school I also had friends who were a few years older than me. I was always the "baby" of the group. When older in houseshares I was again the youngest of the groups. In the entire social group I have met and formed friendships with over the years through my boyfriend who is older than me, I am the youngest by many years. In college now, I am obviously not the youngest but am friends with a mixture of mature students and younger students. Even the younger ones are much more organised academically than me, although I still always manage to bring in top grades thankfully- I seem to do it in a haphazard immature way and my disorganisation and being last minute is a long running joke at this stage.

ALL of my friends outside college have children and majority of mature student friends in college also have children. My friends outside college often nag me and my partner about when are we having kids or getting married, even when I straight out say I don't want them it inevitably comes up again and gets questioned. Not in a nasty way just kind of irritating at the same time. Sometimes I do feel friends think I'm a weirdo/oddball for not wanting the same things as them.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I may have a fear of becoming older? I think it was in this forum before that I read some post that was talking about due to media and culture and the high regard placed on female youth etc -females fear of becoming older and wanting to remain being seen as girls as opposed to women.
I have to admit the first time I heard a mother in a queue in front of me say to her child "move out of the way for the woman" it for some reason sounded strange to me. Or "ask that woman there". I am more used to "let the girl past", "say hello to the girl". The word woman sounded foreign to me ridiculous as that will sound to most.

I see mothers as women and all parents as "grown ups". I don't for a second think that becoming a parent means that you can no longer be fun or do silly things, it's just that you will always have the massive responsibility of the children there underlying everything that needs to be considered.
I had to be a grown up too young in my family, and in my relationship always have to make the more sensible decisions. To friends outside the home I have been seen as the opposite really which has sometimes been an escape for me and a release of expectations and responsibility. I cherish the FREEDOM from responsibility that not having children affords me.

I guess to sum up this jumble of a post, I see parenthood as adult, mature, responsible etc. and I guess even though I will be 27 this year I just don't fully feel like a "responsible adult" yet. I am in many ways in that I've dealt with a lot of death in my family, I've worked from an extremely young age, I take care of myself financially and so on... But I still just don't see myself mentally as a "parent" type and I don't know if I ever will. Aside from these feelings I have also just never had any maternal yearnings or want for a child of my own. I am just pondering what (if any) role my feelings regarding youth and freedom play in this. Freedom and independence are hugely important to me and I don't think I would cope well losing any of that.I get hugely stressed if I ever feel tied down or trapped in any situation. Although I respect and understand that others feel very differently to me in this regard and believe that kids and all they entail are worth infinitely more than their previous childfree lives.
At the minute though, even the THOUGHT of parenthood fills me with a weird feeling of fear, dread and being trapped.

I know some would probably laugh in my face and tell me to grow up or just cop the feck on for not feeling like an adult at nearly 27, but just giving a truthful explanation of how I feel to add to the thread.
Enough self analysing for now I think, sorry for long post.:-D

What is it about getting older that scares you?

Unless you die prematurely you will be a 60 year old woman in the year 2047.

Addle

Fear of responsibility, I wonder if your partner wasn't into weed, would your opinion be the same?
My ex smoked a lot and it def influenced my decisions.