Single life as a guy...

LordNorbury · 28-08-2014 10:06AM

dellas1979 wrote: »

Hi guys,

Single lady in her mid-30s here. I find this too (from guys). So, looks like the shoes fit on both feet here.

So, anyways, what do ye work as?

(hehehee

PS: Yes a lot of women out there unfortunately see a certain job and money and things as like a social status (and probably more so in your 30s). But, from my experience, if a man has money, and isnt a nice person, no amount of money is going to make him a nice person.

I would have thought that traits like being a hard worker, being personable and warm, having a personality and a bit of character about yourself, etc, would have carried a hell of a lot more weight than specifically "what do you do"?!? But it seems I am wrong in that regard. I thought women would often have rated "what do you do" as not up there with other more in your face aspects of your life, such as whether she considers you to be attractive or not and if you have a decent personality in her eyes. I can't understand how anyone could put up with someone who annoys them, or is not attractive to them, but they will overlook these kind of things because of a well paid job, that sounds like pure madness to me...

I think a lot of single people who date these days, and I only really date online so that is all I can relate to at the moment, they don't actually have any kind of a gameplan at all to try to meet someone for a credible relationship and it is usually fairly obvious on a date. Often they are just going through the exact same old motions date after date, they haven't a clue how to flirt and give a guy some signals that they are interested, often you get the exact opposite, then they are taken aback or are often offended when you don't pursue it beyond a first date.

Onthe3rdDay · 28-08-2014 02:57PM

LordNorbury wrote: »

I would have thought that traits like being a hard worker, being personable and warm, having a personality and a bit of character about yourself, etc, would have carried a hell of a lot more weight than specifically "what do you do"?!? But it seems I am wrong in that regard. I thought women would often have rated "what do you do" as not up there with other more in your face aspects of your life, such as whether she considers you to be attractive or not and if you have a decent personality in her eyes. I can't understand how anyone could put up with someone who annoys them, or is not attractive to them, but they will overlook these kind of things because of a well paid job, that sounds like pure madness to me...

It does seem to be the case with many in their Thirties that they decide that they have to get the 2 kids, a house and the car. It's a certain mindset. I have seen couples get together who were barely on speaking terms, not because they were fighting, just because they had very little in common, other than an interest in sex. They felt the pressure by society that these things had to happen, coming mostly in my opinion for the quest for grand children. Once they got married and had a child or two the sex would stop and they would just live together like a not very close brother and sister. It's common enough, we probably all know people like that.

In these cases it does matter how much money you earn and what status you have in a community. Some women won't look at rich people doing dirty (in their opinion) jobs, while a good middle management role with possible progress in the future will be more attractive. (Let's not talk about the fact that there are 10 others going for the same job.)

Over the last few years I've noticed this more and more. I'm now a catch because I do something creative and could earn a lot of money in the future. Girls that would have had no time for me in their 20's now are showing real interest in their 30's. Some of my friends are exactly the same. However, we've all been burned and are very wary. That's the thing, now that relationships are easy enough to come by, we're not that interested any more.

I'm willing to wait for the right person to come along, and if they don't I'm happy as well. I do have an advantage over some that I don't want kids. But I have to be honest, most of my single male friends in their 30's and 40's have no interest in kids either. It might bother them if they never found a partner, but that's not the case when it comes to children. We've all seen our married friends and the lives they live.

tomwaterford · 28-08-2014 09:11PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

It does seem to be the case with many in their Thirties that they decide that they have to get the 2 kids, a house and the car. It's a certain mindset. I have seen couples get together who were barely on speaking terms, not because they were fighting, just because they had very little in common, other than an interest in sex. They felt the pressure by society that these things had to happen, coming mostly in my opinion for the quest for grand children. Once they got married and had a child or two the sex would stop and they would just live together like a not very close brother and sister. It's common enough, we probably all know people like that.

In these cases it does matter how much money you earn and what status you have in a community. Some women won't look at rich people doing dirty (in their opinion) jobs, while a good middle management role with possible progress in the future will be more attractive. (Let's not talk about the fact that there are 10 others going for the same job.)

Over the last few years I've noticed this more and more. I'm now a catch because I do something creative and could earn a lot of money in the future. Girls that would have had no time for me in their 20's now are showing real interest in their 30's. Some of my friends are exactly the same. However, we've all been burned and are very wary. That's the thing, now that relationships are easy enough to come by, we're not that interested any more.

I'm willing to wait for the right person to come along, and if they don't I'm happy as well. I do have an advantage over some that I don't want kids. But I have to be honest, most of my single male friends in their 30's and 40's have no interest in kids either. It might bother them if they never found a partner, but that's not the case when it comes to children. We've all seen our married friends and the lives they live.

ive so many friend who are either nearly there or well on there way....and we are only like mid 20s:eek::eek:
why waste your life being essentially miserable

29-08-2014 09:26AM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

It does seem to be the case with many in their Thirties that they decide that they have to get the 2 kids, a house and the car. It's a certain mindset. I have seen couples get together who were barely on speaking terms, not because they were fighting, just because they had very little in common, other than an interest in sex. They felt the pressure by society that these things had to happen, coming mostly in my opinion for the quest for grand children. Once they got married and had a child or two the sex would stop and they would just live together like a not very close brother and sister. It's common enough, we probably all know people like that.

In these cases it does matter how much money you earn and what status you have in a community. Some women won't look at rich people doing dirty (in their opinion) jobs, while a good middle management role with possible progress in the future will be more attractive. (Let's not talk about the fact that there are 10 others going for the same job.)

Over the last few years I've noticed this more and more. I'm now a catch because I do something creative and could earn a lot of money in the future. Girls that would have had no time for me in their 20's now are showing real interest in their 30's. Some of my friends are exactly the same. However, we've all been burned and are very wary. That's the thing, now that relationships are easy enough to come by, we're not that interested any more.

I'm willing to wait for the right person to come along, and if they don't I'm happy as well. I do have an advantage over some that I don't want kids. But I have to be honest, most of my single male friends in their 30's and 40's have no interest in kids either. It might bother them if they never found a partner, but that's not the case when it comes to children. We've all seen our married friends and the lives they live.

very well made points!
However it paints a fairly depressing picture too, especially if you are a woman hoping to meet someone to settle down with and have a family. There's no ignoring that biological clock and its a bummer.
I'm so glad I got married young and had 3 kids by the age of 30. Now divorced with kids reared I feel so much freer and with much less of an agenda than a lot of younger woman. I wouldnt like to be back at that stage . Its all changed - more pressure now :-(

Emme · 29-08-2014 12:10PM

Deleted User wrote: »

very well made points!
However it paints a fairly depressing picture too, especially if you are a woman hoping to meet someone to settle down with and have a family. There's no ignoring that biological clock and its a bummer.
I'm so glad I got married young and had 3 kids by the age of 30. Now divorced with kids reared I feel so much freer and with much less of an agenda than a lot of younger woman. I wouldnt like to be back at that stage. Its all changed - more pressure now :-(

I am all for women educating themselves to a position where they are independent and self-supporting. However, women should decide as early as possible whether they want children or not and tailor their priorities according to this. If we don't want children then it's fine to focus solely on our careers in our twenties with the idea that someone might come along in time. There's a good chance he won't.

When I was in my early 20s I used to shrug off comments from older relatives telling me I'd better hurry up and meet Mr Right or I would get left on the shelf. I was never worried about being left on the shelf but I did want children. Fast forward a good few years and I have no partner and no children.

I would now give girls in their early 20s similar advice to what I got in my early 20s:

If you want children think about seriously looking for a partner as young as possible. However you have a responsibility to ensure you are in a position to support your family alone if needs be in case you are widowed or your relationship breaks up so do not neglect your education. You may spend some years searching for the right partner and you are most attractive to men in your 20s. The men you have the most fun with aren't necessarily the best material for fatherhood. Consider quieter men, older men and make sure he is kind and caring as opposed to edgy and exciting. A mean man may not make a good father so weed tightwads out early.

If you want children you will have to make sacrifices - you cannot have it all. Do not put finding a partner on hold for the sake of your career if you are doing reasonably well already. Save money instead of spending it on sexy clothes which attract the wrong guys anyway. Learn to screen out bad guys early on. Other women don't always have your best interests at heart so their advice may not always be helpful to you. Older women may see you as competition in the workplace and on the dating scene and might try to sabotage you on both counts. Sometimes the best person to advise you on dating and a strategy to find a suitable partner and father for your children is a man. This could be a male relative or a good male friend.

A woman has a short window of fertility and an even shorter window of time to find a partner to have children with. Do not waste this time. Men can father children into their 50s and beyond and aren't under the same time pressure as you if you want a family. They can start looking for the mother of their children in their 30s or 40s. This is why women have to prioritise their lives differently to men if they want children.

Most important, don't have children with somebody for the sake of it or because time is running out. This is why it is best to start looking early.

This advice may seem biased and archaic but I have considered the opinions from men on this thread and come to the conclusion that men in their early 30s look more favourably on women in their early 20s as opposed to women nearer their own age. They may always be wondering if the girl they met in her 30s is with them because her biological clock is ticking. If they meet a girl in her 20s she is not under the same time pressure so she is with them for the right reasons.

Alternatively consider how difficult it is for everyone in the workplace today. A woman may not get to a position where she is financially independent and able to contribute equally to a relationship financially until she is in her early 30s. At this stage she has a very short time to find a suitable partner to have children with. From what I hear men don't approach women as much these days as they did in the past. This is why some women in their early 30s might seem pushy.

Single life as a guy is a lot easier and less complicated than single life as a woman who wants children.

Potatoeman · 29-08-2014 12:55PM

Emme wrote: »

I am all for women educating themselves to a position where they are independent and self-supporting. However, women should decide as early as possible whether they want children or not and tailor their priorities according to this. If we don't want children then it's fine to focus solely on our careers in our twenties with the idea that someone might come along in time. There's a good chance he won't.

When I was in my early 20s I used to shrug off comments from older relatives telling me I'd better hurry up and meet Mr Right or I would get left on the shelf. I was never worried about being left on the shelf but I did want children. Fast forward a good few years and I have no partner and no children.

I would now give girls in their early 20s similar advice to what I got in my early 20s:

If you want children think about seriously looking for a partner as young as possible. However you have a responsibility to ensure you are in a position to support your family alone if needs be in case you are widowed or your relationship breaks up so do not neglect your education. You may spend some years searching for the right partner and you are most attractive to men in your 20s. The men you have the most fun with aren't necessarily the best material for fatherhood. Consider quieter men, older men and make sure he is kind and caring as opposed to edgy and exciting. A mean man may not make a good father so weed tightwads out early.

If you want children you will have to make sacrifices - you cannot have it all. Do not put finding a partner on hold for the sake of your career if you are doing reasonably well already. Save money instead of spending it on sexy clothes which attract the wrong guys anyway. Learn to screen out bad guys early on. Other women don't always have your best interests at heart so their advice may not always be helpful to you. Older women may see you as competition in the workplace and on the dating scene and might try to sabotage you on both counts. Sometimes the best person to advise you on dating and a strategy to find a suitable partner and father for your children is a man. This could be a male relative or a good male friend.

A woman has a short window of fertility and an even shorter window of time to find a partner to have children with. Do not waste this time. Men can father children into their 50s and beyond and aren't under the same time pressure as you if you want a family. They can start looking for the mother of their children in their 30s or 40s. This is why women have to prioritise their lives differently to men if they want children.

Most important, don't have children with somebody for the sake of it or because time is running out. This is why it is best to start looking early.

This advice may seem biased and archaic but I have considered the opinions from men on this thread and come to the conclusion that men in their early 30s look more favourably on women in their early 20s as opposed to women nearer their own age. They may always be wondering if the girl they met in her 30s is with them because her biological clock is ticking. If they meet a girl in her 20s she is not under the same time pressure so she is with them for the right reasons.

Alternatively consider how difficult it is for everyone in the workplace today. A woman may not get to a position where she is financially independent and able to contribute equally to a relationship financially until she is in her early 30s. At this stage she has a very short time to find a suitable partner to have children with. From what I hear men don't approach women as much these days as they did in the past. This is why some women in their early 30s might seem pushy.

Single life as a guy is a lot easier and less complicated than single life as a woman who wants children.

Well guys have to be very careful getting involved with a woman on a timetable or even anyone that wants kids. Divorce for a man usually means losing the family home, paying support and living in a tiny apartment. Nevermind missing out on seeing his kids.
He has more to lose and its one reason guys run a mile from woman like this.

ancapailldorcha · 29-08-2014 01:02PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

Well guys have to be very careful getting involved with a woman on a timetable or even anyone that wants kids. Divorce for a man usually means losing the family home, paying support and living in a tiny apartment. Nevermind missing out on seeing his kids.
He has more to lose and its one reason guys run a mile from woman like this.

I'm not sure if I want to embark on the "wife and kids" route but if I do, I'd want to be living with herself for at least a few years prior to having kids.

Emme · 29-08-2014 01:28PM

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I'm not sure if I want to embark on the "wife and kids" route but if I do, I'd want to be living with herself for at least a few years prior to having kids.

This proves the point I made in my earlier post - women need to start looking for a partner early if they want children. This will give them a few years to see if they get on.

walshb · 29-08-2014 01:32PM

Emme wrote: »

I am all for women educating themselves to a position where they are independent and self-supporting. However, women should decide as early as possible whether they want children or not and tailor their priorities according to this. If we don't want children then it's fine to focus solely on our careers in our twenties with the idea that someone might come along in time. There's a good chance he won't.

When I was in my early 20s I used to shrug off comments from older relatives telling me I'd better hurry up and meet Mr Right or I would get left on the shelf. I was never worried about being left on the shelf but I did want children. Fast forward a good few years and I have no partner and no children.

I would now give girls in their early 20s similar advice to what I got in my early 20s:

If you want children think about seriously looking for a partner as young as possible. However you have a responsibility to ensure you are in a position to support your family alone if needs be in case you are widowed or your relationship breaks up so do not neglect your education. You may spend some years searching for the right partner and you are most attractive to men in your 20s. The men you have the most fun with aren't necessarily the best material for fatherhood. Consider quieter men, older men and make sure he is kind and caring as opposed to edgy and exciting. A mean man may not make a good father so weed tightwads out early.

If you want children you will have to make sacrifices - you cannot have it all. Do not put finding a partner on hold for the sake of your career if you are doing reasonably well already. Save money instead of spending it on sexy clothes which attract the wrong guys anyway. Learn to screen out bad guys early on. Other women don't always have your best interests at heart so their advice may not always be helpful to you. Older women may see you as competition in the workplace and on the dating scene and might try to sabotage you on both counts. Sometimes the best person to advise you on dating and a strategy to find a suitable partner and father for your children is a man. This could be a male relative or a good male friend.

A woman has a short window of fertility and an even shorter window of time to find a partner to have children with. Do not waste this time. Men can father children into their 50s and beyond and aren't under the same time pressure as you if you want a family. They can start looking for the mother of their children in their 30s or 40s. This is why women have to prioritise their lives differently to men if they want children.

Most important, don't have children with somebody for the sake of it or because time is running out. This is why it is best to start looking early.

This advice may seem biased and archaic but I have considered the opinions from men on this thread and come to the conclusion that men in their early 30s look more favourably on women in their early 20s as opposed to women nearer their own age. They may always be wondering if the girl they met in her 30s is with them because her biological clock is ticking. If they meet a girl in her 20s she is not under the same time pressure so she is with them for the right reasons.

Alternatively consider how difficult it is for everyone in the workplace today. A woman may not get to a position where she is financially independent and able to contribute equally to a relationship financially until she is in her early 30s. At this stage she has a very short time to find a suitable partner to have children with. From what I hear men don't approach women as much these days as they did in the past. This is why some women in their early 30s might seem pushy.

Single life as a guy is a lot easier and less complicated than single life as a woman who wants children.

Damn sense!

ancapailldorcha · 29-08-2014 01:33PM

Emme wrote: »

This proves the point I made in my earlier post - women need to start looking for a partner early if they want children. This will give them a few years to see if they get on.

I agree with you. The thing is people may develop different opinions in their twenties so someone who gets her degree at 22 may decide she doesn't want children only to change her mind at 29 or vice vearsa. Ideally, if she could be certain at 22 then she can have kids and then prioritise both family and career.

Emme · 29-08-2014 02:34PM

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I agree with you. The thing is people may develop different opinions in their twenties so someone who gets her degree at 22 may decide she doesn't want children only to change her mind at 29 or vice vearsa. Ideally, if she could be certain at 22 then she can have kids and then prioritise both family and career.

That's what makes it difficult.

I just read over what I wrote and I sound like Susan Patton the Princeton Mom - eek! :eek:

Even if there is some truth there.

Wibbs · 29-08-2014 02:59PM

Emme wrote: »

This proves the point I made in my earlier post - women need to start looking for a partner early if they want children. This will give them a few years to see if they get on.

I dunno E, I can see what you're getting at and it's a simple fact of reproductive biology, however I'd not be nearly so pessimistic regarding the reproductive window for women. Unless a woman has a medical condition that affects her fertility she's pretty much good to go from 16 to 40(one of my grandmothers had her last at 45). Sure it may take longer in the late 30's to get pregnant, but many many women do. And yes risk of birth defects go up with maternal age, but if we were looking for the optimum time there we'd be looking at women from 18 - 22, after 25 the risk graph starts to go up. Increasingly reproductive technology will play a part and even up the differences, or at least give an extra 5 to 10 years of leeway, so a woman could freeze her eggs at 20 and have those kids at 40 or above(if she has the cash of course).

I would agree that if a woman wants a few kids the earlier the start the better.

As for men, yes they don't have a clock ticking to nearly the same degree. However in reality they can have a small enough window too. Few enough men of 45 have the options they may think, after 50 those options thin out massively. If women tend to "peak" at 25, I would say men "peak" damn near exactly ten years later at 35.

ancapailldorcha · 29-08-2014 03:10PM

Wibbs wrote: »

As for men, yes they don't have a clock ticking to nearly the same degree. However in reality they can have a small enough window too. Few enough men of 45 have the options they may think, after 50 those options thin out massively. If women tend to "peak" at 25, I would say men "peak" damn near exactly ten years later at 35.

There does seem to be a "clock" for men as well, but like you say it's not ticking as ominously. Furthermore, a man at 60 who's not extraordinarily wealthy will face severe difficulties in attracting a woman below 35 and she's probably going to be wary of the possibility of having a child with a partner who's nearly twice her age.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fact-or-fiction-men-have-biological-clocks/

Emme · 29-08-2014 05:03PM

Wibbs wrote: »

I dunno E, I can see what you're getting at and it's a simple fact of reproductive biology, however I'd not be nearly so pessimistic regarding the reproductive window for women. Unless a woman has a medical condition that affects her fertility she's pretty much good to go from 16 to 40(one of my grandmothers had her last at 45). Sure it may take longer in the late 30's to get pregnant, but many many women do. And yes risk of birth defects go up with maternal age, but if we were looking for the optimum time there we'd be looking at women from 18 - 22, after 25 the risk graph starts to go up. Increasingly reproductive technology will play a part and even up the differences, or at least give an extra 5 to 10 years of leeway, so a woman could freeze her eggs at 20 and have those kids at 40 or above(if she has the cash of course).

I would agree that if a woman wants a few kids the earlier the start the better.

As for men, yes they don't have a clock ticking to nearly the same degree. However in reality they can have a small enough window too. Few enough men of 45 have the options they may think, after 50 those options thin out massively. If women tend to "peak" at 25, I would say men "peak" damn near exactly ten years later at 35.

That's all good but if you take into account the time it takes to meet someone, get to know them properly and risk one or two broken relationships in the process it really is better for women to start looking younger. One woman might be lucky and meet her life partner in college and marry at 26. Another might have a few false starts before meeting her life partner at 28 and by the time they are ready she could be 32 when they marry and 33 when she has her first child. All sorts of factors come into account. Men are rightly very cautious now.

Having said that I think that there are more available men for women in their 20s than in the days before divorce. There were very few available men for those of us who left school in the late 80s. Everyone was emigrating and most men over 25 seemed to be married. A fair few of my contemporaries are single and have never been married. For those who didn't want children it's no big deal, but some of us did want children. Some might ask why didn't you go the sperm donor route? That could have been an option but I think a child should have a relationship with his or her Dad.

LordNorbury · 01-09-2014 04:42PM

Emme wrote: »

From what I hear men don't approach women as much these days as they did in the past. This is why some women in their early 30s might seem pushy.

Have to say, I've never found women at that age to be pushy, the one thing I've found that, unlike yourself, they seem to often completely lack a gameplan. I think there is a cut off point when it comes to age, where you stop giving a shít about the fact that you previously wanted kids, and you previously wanted a long term stable thing, and all of that stuff, just speaking for myself as a single guy in his 30's. I used to see myself with 3-4 kids, happily married, I suppose I could easily say that I saw myself playing the role of a solid & reliable family man, but once I hit my mid 30's, it is like my mind went into a completely different mode altogether.

I do hear online stories however, of guys who are dating a girl less than 3 months and start suggesting that they should try for a baby, (I'm actually not joking here, this seems to be not uncommon with some guys in their 30's)...

Daveysil15 · 01-09-2014 05:14PM

Emme wrote: »

This advice may seem biased and archaic but I have considered the opinions from men on this thread and come to the conclusion that men in their early 30s look more favourably on women in their early 20s as opposed to women nearer their own age.

I'm 31 and would much prefer a woman in her late 20's to early 30's. I doubt too many women in their early 20's would be interested in me anyway tbh. Tommy Tiernan said when he turned 40 young women no longer wanted to have sex with him. But he didn't want to have sex with younger women anyway because its like having sex with a salmon; they have too much energy. I'm at the stage now where I just want to have sex with a comfortable chair.

I actually find women my own age more approachable too. They tend to be more laid back and don't have as much of a guard up.

Piliger · 01-09-2014 06:32PM

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

There does seem to be a "clock" for men as well, but like you say it's not ticking as ominously. Furthermore, a man at 60 who's not extraordinarily wealthy will face severe difficulties in attracting a woman below 35 and she's probably going to be wary of the possibility of having a child with a partner who's nearly twice her age.

The OP was raising the issue of life as a single man, as opposed to wanting children. If you want children then don't stay single until you're 60

As a guy of 58 who divorced a while ago .. Firstly what on earth would I want a woman of 35 ? !! FFS ... what a bore ! Men need to grow up as we grow up. You need someone who you can actually talk to about life, not just pop music. About four years ago I dated a 28 yo and sure the sex was good ... but I got bored sh1tless after a few months. I would never date anyone under 45 now.

My only comment to contribute to the thread is this. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS. I cannot stress this enough. It is so easy to allow them to drift away and lose them. Maybe they get married and are busy for years with children. No matter. Stay in touch a couple of times a year. They will come back in time and making new friends is never as satisfying or easy as when we are young.

02-09-2014 06:41AM

Piliger wrote: »

The OP was raising the issue of life as a single man, as opposed to wanting children. If you want children then don't stay single until you're 60

As a guy of 58 who divorced a while ago .. Firstly what on earth would I want a woman of 35 ? !! FFS ... what a bore ! Men need to grow up as we grow up. You need someone who you can actually talk to about life, not just pop music. About four years ago I dated a 28 yo and sure the sex was good ... but I got bored sh1tless after a few months. I would never date anyone under 45 now.

My only comment to contribute to the thread is this. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS. I cannot stress this enough. It is so easy to allow them to drift away and lose them. Maybe they get married and are busy for years with children. No matter. Stay in touch a couple of times a year. They will come back in time and making new friends is never as satisfying or easy as when we are young.

agree ! I'm 50, divorced and children reared. I regret nothing. Having them young was great. I have sisters who are now in their 40's with kids in primary school and they're exhausted with all the running around and holding down a job too. Mine are through school, college and both abroad working. I would strongly advise to men as much as women not to put it on the long finger. Think about what you want in the long term. A decade flies by and suddenly you're in your late 30's or mid 40's. The human condition is to find a mate and procreate! You will never find someone who is perfect in every way and thats the trouble now. We all think we will and we keep looking because we have more options than our parents had. OD adds to this - you see people on sites for years!! Maybe they are just unlucky - or maybe they have their long checklist and every box needs to be ticked - be wary of that!

..... and yes..... keep the friends you had from way back. Through all those years, divorce, house moves I kept in touch with about 3 good friends - sometimes once once a year (!) but now we are back in touch all the time. You need people your own age - to share memories and experiences with. Ditto for relationships

Wibbs · 02-09-2014 08:58AM

Piliger wrote: »

The OP was raising the issue of life as a single man, as opposed to wanting children. If you want children then don't stay single until you're 60

+1

As a guy of 58 who divorced a while ago .. Firstly what on earth would I want a woman of 35 ? !! FFS ... what a bore !

In fairness a 35 year old woman is hardly a teenybopper and would usually have a fair amount of life experience behind her and it massively depends on the individual. Boring is not particularly age related. Plus I have found over the years engaging with people of different ages(not just dating) is very good for keeping ones own mindset out of ruts, sometimes even dragging you kicking and screaming out of ruts.

My only comment to contribute to the thread is this. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS. I cannot stress this enough. It is so easy to allow them to drift away and lose them. Maybe they get married and are busy for years with children. No matter. Stay in touch a couple of times a year. They will come back in time and making new friends is never as satisfying or easy as when we are young.

+1000 and I have found men aren't usually as good as women for doing this, especially after marriage.

RainyDay · 02-09-2014 09:37AM

Deleted User wrote: »

agree ! I'm 50, divorced and children reared. I regret nothing. Having them young was great. I have sisters who are now in their 40's with kids in primary school and they're exhausted with all the running around and holding down a job too. Mine are through school, college and both abroad working. I would strongly advise to men as much as women not to put it on the long finger. Think about what you want in the long term. A decade flies by and suddenly you're in your late 30's or mid 40's. The human condition is to find a mate and procreate! You will never find someone who is perfect in every way and thats the trouble now. We all think we will and we keep looking because we have more options than our parents had. OD adds to this - you see people on sites for years!! Maybe they are just unlucky - or maybe they have their long checklist and every box needs to be ticked - be wary of that!

..... and yes..... keep the friends you had from way back. Through all those years, divorce, house moves I kept in touch with about 3 good friends - sometimes once once a year (!) but now we are back in touch all the time. You need people your own age - to share memories and experiences with. Ditto for relationships

Jon Snow did a series on sex and older people earlier in the year on Channel 4 news. It was funny to see the number of older people who were very keen to have relationships and have sex, but were also very keen to stay living on their own. They were quite happy with their own house or flat, and didn't really want to have to compromise on all the living together, leaving the toilet seat up stuff.

ancapailldorcha · 02-09-2014 10:02AM

Piliger wrote: »

The OP was raising the issue of life as a single man, as opposed to wanting children. If you want children then don't stay single until you're 60

My point was that it may become an issue if you want kids depending on your circumstances.

Piliger wrote: »

My only comment to contribute to the thread is this. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS. I cannot stress this enough. It is so easy to allow them to drift away and lose them. Maybe they get married and are busy for years with children. No matter. Stay in touch a couple of times a year. They will come back in time and making new friends is never as satisfying or easy as when we are young.

The most time I've lived in one place since I moved to the UK for work is 18 months so I can easily see this becoming an issue.

LordNorbury · 02-09-2014 11:35AM

Deleted User wrote: »

You will never find someone who is perfect in every way and thats the trouble now. We all think we will and we keep looking because we have more options than our parents had. OD adds to this - you see people on sites for years!! Maybe they are just unlucky - or maybe they have their long checklist and every box needs to be ticked - be wary of that!

+ 100, total perfection seems to be the order of the day, especially when dating online. If you are on the most popular OD site in Ireland, you will see stunning looking girls who have been on the site for the last 5-6 years and are now cruising towards their 40's, if they are not already there. These are seriously attractive women, no kids, non smokers, with their own established careers, independent women, etc, basically they have every reason to not be on a dating website for 5 years straight, yet there there are!

You'd have to wonder why they have not been snapped up long ago, but you only need to go on a date with them to find out why. They will spend every minute that you are together, looking for a flaw in you. If it isn't 20 questions about your career or the car that you drive, it is "do you own where you live or are you renting?". I got wrote off recently on a date because I mentioned over dinner that I rented where I live as opposed to actually had a mortgage. This actually raised an eye brow on a date! The alternative (which would have been perfectly acceptable had I ticked the "property owner" box, would have been that I could have been 2 years in arrears on my mortgage and 100K in negative equity, but this would have been grand because I'd have ticked the little box in her head that needed to be ticked!).

I say I am "looking for a relationship", but secretly I am kind of not, not because I wouldn't like to have one, although it would have to be not hugely intense, but I could do exclusive, but I have come to understand that many people (and I include myself in this by the way!), who are single and in their 30's, they tend to be a bit broken and are often giving off vibes that they are highly uncomfortable with being single, I suppose I'm trying to say that I don't believe relationships are actually on offer or are obtainable once you are into the post 35 age category. That will sound like a huge sweeping and very general statement to make but in my view and more importantly in my experience, it is true. In my experience, this is something that is exclusively to do with being in your 30's, and considerably worsens when you get to 35 and beyond.

God I can't believe this discussion has lasted 30 something pages!

woodchuck · 02-09-2014 12:34PM

Ok I'm not a guy, but hope it's ok for me to post here

I've seen a lot of comments about not putting things on the long finger in terms of having kids etc. But I think people need to take into account that things don't always go according to plan. I'm a 29 year old woman, and if you'd asked me this time last year to predict my future, I would've thought I'd be engaged right now, married next year, and then still have plenty of time to think about kids in my early/mid thirties. However, that all got shot to sh1te and now I'm single again: "Do not pass go, do not collect $200".

I'm not even sure what point it is that I'm trying to make... don't judge others unless you've walked in their shoes maybe? Not that I think people here are being particularly judgemental, but I have experienced it in other walks of life. "Hurry up old girl, you won't be young forever" type of jibes. As if I'm not aware :rolleyes:

Even the most well laid plans can go off course, so whatever else just make sure that you're happy in your own skin.

beks101 · 02-09-2014 12:55PM

woodchuck wrote: »

Ok I'm not a guy, but hope it's ok for me to post here

I've seen a lot of comments about not putting things on the long finger in terms of having kids etc. But I think people need to take into account that things don't always go according to plan. I'm a 29 year old woman, and if you'd asked me this time last year to predict my future, I would've thought I'd be engaged right now, married next year, and then still have plenty of time to think about kids in my early/mid thirties. However, that all got shot to sh1te and now I'm single again: "Do not pass go, do not collect $200".

I'm not even sure what point it is that I'm trying to make... don't judge others unless you've walked in their shoes maybe? Not that I think people here are being particularly judgemental, but I have experienced it in other walks of life. "Hurry up old girl, you won't be young forever" type of jibes. As if I'm not aware :rolleyes:

Even the most well laid plans can go off course, so whatever else just make sure that you're happy in your own skin.

+1 on all of this. 'You can't hurry love' and all that jazz.

I’ve never been strategic when it comes to my love life and tbh I wouldn’t want to be, that’s not the kind of person I am. I feel things out in life, people included. That’s how I’ve been with my career, my friends, my travels, my general course in life - including men.

I’m 29 and in a relationship with a wonderful guy, but before I met him I dated all sorts of characters over years - none of whom would’ve been the right guy to settle down with and set up shop with. If that had happened, I’d be living a life that wasn’t quite designed for me. I’d get on with it and it would work, as with all things in life, but while I have the choice to work off my gut and true feelings as opposed to some five-year plan, that’s always the route that I will take. That’s who I am.

I agree that you have to be business-minded about many things to get to where you want to be, but I don’t agree that romantic love is one of those things. Until you meet someone that inspires all these desires in you to build a life together, I don’t think you can really approach it in a clinical way because it’s simply not a clinical process. At least for me. I’d rather be alone and childless, or go the sperm donor/adoption route if I decided that I really wanted kids, than project all these life plans on some guy I was only lukewarm about in a ‘you’ll do’ kind of way.

LordNorbury · 02-09-2014 01:47PM

woodchuck wrote: »

Ok I'm not a guy, but hope it's ok for me to post here

I've seen a lot of comments about not putting things on the long finger in terms of having kids etc. But I think people need to take into account that things don't always go according to plan. I'm a 29 year old woman, and if you'd asked me this time last year to predict my future, I would've thought I'd be engaged right now, married next year, and then still have plenty of time to think about kids in my early/mid thirties. However, that all got shot to sh1te and now I'm single again: "Do not pass go, do not collect $200".

I'm not even sure what point it is that I'm trying to make... don't judge others unless you've walked in their shoes maybe? Not that I think people here are being particularly judgemental, but I have experienced it in other walks of life. "Hurry up old girl, you won't be young forever" type of jibes. As if I'm not aware :rolleyes:

Even the most well laid plans can go off course, so whatever else just make sure that you're happy in your own skin.

This sounds exactly like me 5 years ago. 5 years ago I wanted a marriage, kids, family life. Fast forward 5 years and the idea of a marriage, kids and a family life, would actually seriously stress me out now...

If you strip away all the people throwing their oars in, and their regular commentary, with their: "when are you going to give us a day out?", or "you better get a move on as you won't be young for ever you know?", and all that stupid commentary that people seem to have to throw at single people, if you strip all that away and ask yourself, "do I really want the hassle and expense of trauma of having children in these crazy times we are living in?", I don't know how people ask themselves this question in these times we are living in, and come away with a yes answer.

Potatoeman · 02-09-2014 02:03PM

I dont think its a good idea to marry just for the sake of it but if its something you want, dont listen to people that say you have plenty of time. It undermines peoples agency. If you want it you should be trying to achieve it.

RainyDay · 02-09-2014 02:17PM

woodchuck wrote: »

Ok I'm not a guy, but hope it's ok for me to post here

I've seen a lot of comments about not putting things on the long finger in terms of having kids etc. But I think people need to take into account that things don't always go according to plan. I'm a 29 year old woman, and if you'd asked me this time last year to predict my future, I would've thought I'd be engaged right now, married next year, and then still have plenty of time to think about kids in my early/mid thirties. However, that all got shot to sh1te and now I'm single again: "Do not pass go, do not collect $200".

Very true - it's not just relationship issues. One in five couples will experience infertility. Like most people, we fecked around doing the travel thing and got the house sorted, and expected kids to arrive on tap as soon as we were ready. Our bodies had other ideas, and I was touching 40 when ours arrived, after five years of fairly challenging infertility processes including IVF. So I'm quite a bit older as a Dad than I'd like to be. The old joke about 'give God a laugh - tell him your plans' springs to mind (even for an atheist).

So don't assume that kids will arrive when YOU decide that you're ready.

Piliger · 02-09-2014 02:54PM

Wibbs wrote: »

In fairness a 35 year old woman is hardly a teenybopper and would usually have a fair amount of life experience behind her and it massively depends on the individual.

I worded that poorly. I didn't mean they don't have life experience. What I meant to say but didn't want to turn it into a tome ... was that they grew up in a different era ... they don't know the movies, music, life incidents, life history, culture etc etc etc that match my era or even close. While the physical infatuation lasts it is fine ... who cares. But after that, you sit chatting and you say ' remember that Doors album ? that movie Sean Connery made, Marne ? remember Dublin in the 70's ....? Duh .... nope :-)
That sounds ridiculous I know ... but it actually becomes a lot more important.

Piliger · 02-09-2014 03:05PM

LordNorbury wrote: »

I have come to understand that many people (and I include myself in this by the way!), who are single and in their 30's, they tend to be a bit broken and are often giving off vibes that they are highly uncomfortable with being single, I suppose I'm trying to say that I don't believe relationships are actually on offer or are obtainable once you are into the post 35 age category. That will sound like a huge sweeping and very general statement to make but in my view and more importantly in my experience, it is true. In my experience, this is something that is exclusively to do with being in your 30's, and considerably worsens when you get to 35 and beyond.

I understand your comment but it is as you say a sweeping generalisation. I had some similar experiences on OD. But they are the minority. The truth is that even a woman with that kind of attitude will drop if if the chemistry is there. If it's not, then the 'plan' dominates. Don't make the mistake of interpreting that the other way around.

The other truth of life is this. Life is complicated. And as we get older, life gets more and more complicated. Having a relationship becomes more complicated. Even a simple one. We develop habits, and prejudices and comforts and knit pickings and preferences and we ALL develop this kind of sh1te as we travel through life. So it becomes more difficult to tolerate other's sh1te unless we also develop an open and tolerant and compassionate attitude to other people.

Trouble is .. a lot of people don't bother their arses. They become intolerant and closed minded ... and then complain when they don't find a partner.

When your conversation starts to contain a sh1t load of 'I don't like people who ...' sentences, and 'I don't like when people do ...." sentences then you don't exactly come across as an attractive person to be with, and why on earth would someone want to spend time with you.

God I can't believe this discussion has lasted 30 something pages!

I am not in the least surprised. It is a massive issue for a massive number of people in today's society who are dating and looking for relationships at an older age than ever before in history.

Wibbs · 02-09-2014 08:22PM

Piliger wrote: »

I worded that poorly. I didn't mean they don't have life experience. What I meant to say but didn't want to turn it into a tome ... was that they grew up in a different era ... they don't know the movies, music, life incidents, life history, culture etc etc etc that match my era or even close. While the physical infatuation lasts it is fine ... who cares. But after that, you sit chatting and you say ' remember that Doors album ? that movie Sean Connery made, Marne ? remember Dublin in the 70's ....? Duh .... nope :-)
That sounds ridiculous I know ... but it actually becomes a lot more important.

Just goes to show how folks can differ P.

I'd be in the opposite camp. I tend to dislike nostalgia and reminiscing*. I actively prefer a different set of memories and culture to me. It's more stimulating for me and I learn so much more. I've always sought out different people to me(not just romantically), older, younger, different cultures and backgrounds. I'm very lucky with my mates that are around my age(48) that they're very diverse in views and it would be a bloody rare event where any one of us would start a convo with "remember when...".

Being with someone akin to a "mirror" to my own life experiences wouldn't be nearly so attractive for me. Indeed it would be the opposite, damn near a purgatory TBH. Over the years I've been more attracted to/ended up going out with foreign women and that's a helluva lot of the reason why(plus the locals can spot my BS from a thousand yards

). I need novelty, always have, likely always will do considering my male rellies tend to be like that too. My maternal grandfather got into Thin Lizzy and Zep in his late 70's and had a gra for the New York Dolls. I've an uncle in his early 70's that plays more video games than I ever have. Another rellie is learning French at 81. Another is a fiend for the interwebs and forums on all sorts of subjects.

Actually it's why I love a place like Boards(Though I've only very rarely ventured into the Oulwans & Oulfellas or all things retro forum. I just wouldn't fit in, nor get much from it). I can interact and learn from anyone. I don't know their age, or gender, or background most of the time and they don't know mine. I could be having a convo with a 19 year old transgender Welsh person who is convinced the moon landings were a hoax, or a 62 year old grandfather who digs Lego. I'm either agreeing or disagreeing, but I'm always learning. I think that's bloody fantastic.

*though for some reason I did have a short phase of it when I was 37. Christ knows why. Midlife crisis or somesuch. I think it was more personal circumstances at the time. Odd given I my GF was 13 years younger than me, but I switched on the oulfella gene in response to. I know why now, but it felt well odd

Single life as a guy...

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