Single life as a guy...

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 11:46AM

fergie24 wrote: »

Its funny while on about conversations, having recently come out of a ltr which was also long distance two months ago and finding myself 33, single i have headed back out socialising on the weekends and of course trying to chat up women which has been long time for me in doing so or being approached and chatted up by women.

With in five minutes of chatting i get asked am i married, have i ever been married, have i kids, have i a girlfriend. When i say no to all its followed do i drive a nice car

Is this the norm with women chatting to a 33 year old guy these days?

I can't say that's the norm in Ireland as I'm only one person. However, as someone a few years older than you I can say that I've had the same experience on more than one occasion (in Ireland, not elsewhere). Not so much do I drive a nice car but basically, How much am I earning, how much will I earn in the future. I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment (I need a very long break) and the amount of women in their 30's that bother you when they find you're single is nuts.

LordNorbury · 22-08-2014 11:47AM

fergie24 wrote: »

Its funny while on about conversations, having recently come out of a ltr which was also long distance two months ago and finding myself 33, single i have headed back out socialising on the weekends and of course trying to chat up women which has been long time for me in doing so or being approached and chatted up by women.

With in five minutes of chatting i get asked am i married, have i ever been married, have i kids, have i a girlfriend. When i say no to all its followed do i drive a nice car

Is this the norm with women chatting to a 33 year old guy these days?

Yup, pretty much so, the amount of paranoia and cynicism out there when dating these days, I find as actually remarkable. There is a basis for some of it as well I have to say, as you have a lot of people these days stuck in unhappy relationships, who lack the integrity or courage to leave them, usually citing a mortgage, kids, negative equity or some such excuse.

But I do put a lot of this unhealthy paranoia down to the recession and the last few years of living in this country. It's like there is this perverse culture of fear, suspicion and general negativity still hanging over the whole place, and if you are a single guy and in your 30's, you will usually run straight into it when dating.

Minimix · 22-08-2014 11:59AM

fergie24 wrote: »

Its funny while on about conversations, having recently come out of a ltr which was also long distance two months ago and finding myself 33, single i have headed back out socialising on the weekends and of course trying to chat up women which has been long time for me in doing so or being approached and chatted up by women.

With in five minutes of chatting i get asked am i married, have i ever been married, have i kids, have i a girlfriend. When i say no to all its followed do i drive a nice car

Is this the norm with women chatting to a 33 year old guy these days?

As a woman I think when I'm looking to meet a guy and I'm having a conversation it is nice to know that person is single otherwise you wasting your time. Generally you know when you're talking to someone if they're interested in continuing a conversation which leads to finding out more about that person without basically throwing a questionaire at the guy as soon as you get past hello.

In saying that, that is what I like to happen but I know what you're saying does happen but it happens both ways.

Potatoeman · 22-08-2014 12:06PM

LordNorbury wrote: »

Yup, pretty much so, the amount of paranoia and cynicism out there when dating these days, I find as actually remarkable. There is a basis for some of it as well I have to say, as you have a lot of people these days stuck in unhappy relationships, who lack the integrity or courage to leave them, usually citing a mortgage, kids, negative equity or some such excuse.

But I do put a lot of this unhealthy paranoia down to the recession and the last few years of living in this country. It's like there is this perverse culture of fear, suspicion and general negativity still hanging over the whole place, and if you are a single guy and in your 30's, you will usually run straight into it when dating.

No it was there during the boom too. I find its cetain bars that attract a cetain type of person.

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 12:47PM

Minimix wrote: »

As a woman I think when I'm looking to meet a guy and I'm having a conversation it is nice to know that person is single otherwise you wasting your time. Generally you know when you're talking to someone if they're interested in continuing a conversation which leads to finding out more about that person without basically throwing a questionaire at the guy as soon as you get past hello.

In saying that, that is what I like to happen but I know what you're saying does happen but it happens both ways.

I sure it's not what you meant, but when you say you're wasting your time having a conversation with someone who's taken, that's exactly the kind of thing that frightens many of my male single friends. It's almost as if there's only one agenda and no time for a little innocent banter.

I think it's fair enough to ask if you're single or even if someone has kids or ties. However, when women start asking you for details about earnings, what you owe and what kind of success are you looking at in the the future it's creepy. I do have one or two male friends that are single and they would be more in the mood for a relationship. They never ask women about money, cars, or houses.

When i"ve been out else where outside of Ireland (Britain, Germany) I'm generally not hassled, plus the conversation is lighter at the start as it should be. I'm out to relax not to be sized up as a commodity.

Potatoeman · 22-08-2014 01:04PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

I sure it's not what you meant, but when you say you're wasting your time having a conversation with someone who's taken, that's exactly the kind of thing that frightens many of my male single friends. It's almost as if there's only one agenda and no time for a little innocent banter.

I think it's fair enough to ask if you're single or even if someone has kids or ties. However, when women start asking you for details about earnings, what you owe and what kind of success are you looking at in the the future it's creepy. I do have one or two male friends that are single and they would be more in the mood for a relationship. They never ask women about money, cars, or houses.

When i"ve been out else where outside of Ireland (Britain, Germany) I'm generally not hassled, plus the conversation is lighter at the start as it should be. I'm out to relax not to be sized up as a commodity.

Sometimes when people in a relationship are out with their friends they dont bring up that they have a partner as they wouldnt hold the attention of a single person looking to meet someone. Its not that they would run a mile but they wouldnt spend half he night chatting them up. Its usually when they are out with single friends that are looking to meet someone.

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 01:29PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

Sometimes when people in a relationship are out with their friends they dont bring up that they have a partner as they wouldnt hold the attention of a single person looking to meet someone. Its not that they would run a mile but they wouldnt spend half he night chatting them up. Its usually when they are out with single friends that are looking to meet someone.

That's completely understood and I do not in any way have a problem with that. It's just a certain vibe out there that has made a lot of unattached men in their 30's and 40's very wary. Literally is it me or my Money/Status she's interested in.

realgirl · 22-08-2014 01:34PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

It's just a certain vibe out there that has made a lot of unattached men in their 30's and 40's very wary. Literally is it me or my Money/Status she's interested in.

It's probably obvious fairly fast where her interest lies based on whatever she's asking/ talking to you about

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 01:43PM

realgirl wrote: »

It's probably obvious fairly fast where her interest lies based on whatever she's asking/ talking to you about

Yes, it is pretty obvious. The last 4 women that have approached me only one appeared to be geniune. I have one friend that uses this to his advantage greatly (which I and other friends of his highly disapprove) However, for anyone genuine when it comes to relationships, it's very depressing. I'm off the market for now but I am wondering if I will ever return.

Minimix · 22-08-2014 02:27PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

I sure it's not what you meant, but when you say you're wasting your time having a conversation with someone who's taken, that's exactly the kind of thing that frightens many of my male single friends. It's almost as if there's only one agenda and no time for a little innocent banter.

I think it's fair enough to ask if you're single or even if someone has kids or ties. However, when women start asking you for details about earnings, what you owe and what kind of success are you looking at in the the future it's creepy. I do have one or two male friends that are single and they would be more in the mood for a relationship. They never ask women about money, cars, or houses.

When i"ve been out else where outside of Ireland (Britain, Germany) I'm generally not hassled, plus the conversation is lighter at the start as it should be. I'm out to relax not to be sized up as a commodity.

I meant wasting my time in the context of looking to meet a guy, as in there's no point having the type of conversation you'd have with someone who's chatting you up or vice versa with a guy who's in a relationship. I have no problem chatting to men who are in relationships, the majority of nights out I have are with couples. I personally am not at all the type of girl to through direct questions at a guy as I expect not to be the receiver of the same type of questions in the first few minutes of conversation with someone.

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 02:40PM

Minimix wrote: »

I meant wasting my time in the context of looking to meet a guy, as in there's no point having the type of conversation you'd have with someone who's chatting you up or vice versa with a guy who's in a relationship. I have no problem chatting to men who are in relationships, the majority of nights out I have are with couples. I personally am not at all the type of girl to through direct questions at a guy as I expect not to be the receiver of the same type of questions in the first few minutes of conversation with someone.

Again Understood. I was just making the point that in a different context there are certain women who regard men as a waste of time if, (1) they're not single (2) They have some attachment. Kids seem to be a big no no for some (3) That they have money.

That Friend of mine that takes advantage of those women that come up to him is broke and basically has no assets. However he does dress well and is well educated, He's had great nights with ladies and all is going well until they find out he's broke (not in debt mind, just broke) They go from being very interested to not returning calls in seconds.

Of course there are males of the species that have just as undesirable traits as well, but that's not my area of interest.

Potatoeman · 22-08-2014 02:50PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

Yes, it is pretty obvious. The last 4 women that have approached me only one appeared to be geniune. I have one friend that uses this to his advantage greatly (which I and other friends of his highly disapprove) However, for anyone genuine when it comes to relationships, it's very depressing. I'm off the market for now but I am wondering if I will ever return.

I think this is more prominent in certain bars, that have a certain crowd. Bar are not really great places to meet someone.

Asking if someone has a job is okay but not what they make. In your thirties people are looking to settle down so I dont see looking for someone with a job as such an issue.

astonaidan · 22-08-2014 02:52PM

wivy wrote: »

OMG! go for it!
how often does 'the spark' happen between two people? rarely!
yeah there will be 'hot' women in canada but nothing will top that spark!
go for it or you'll regret it my friend

Haha I feel I can add a few off ye to the list off people im failing in this situation, my friends are forever at me to go after her more

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 03:02PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

Asking if someone has a job is okay but not what they make. In your thirties people are looking to settle down so I dont see looking for someone with a job as such an issue.

I can see the point to a certain Extent, I would never inquire about a woman's work or financial status outside of general conversation. However, if I turned things around and asked women the direct questions I've been asked I'd get a slap or they call me every name under the sun.

Now it does have to be said this is just some women, obviously in my experience most women are not like that. But the normal women won't aggressively chat you up either.

Potatoeman · 22-08-2014 03:40PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

I can see the point to a certain Extent, I would never inquire about a woman's work or financial status outside of general conversation. However, if I turned things around and asked women the direct questions I've been asked I'd get a slap or they call me every name under the sun.

Now it does have to be said this is just some women, obviously in my experience most women are not like that. But the normal women won't aggressively chat you up either.

Going through a personal checklist is abit odd and how do they know you are telling the truth anyway?

I think its reflective of them wanting to settle down and not wanting to waste time. Its a complete turn off for most guys though.

Minimix · 22-08-2014 05:15PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

Going through a personal checklist is abit odd and how do they know you are telling the truth anyway?

I think its reflective of them wanting to settle down and not wanting to waste time. Its a complete turn off for most guys though.

This is not just a problem for guys, I know from experience that a lot of guys ask your name and the next question is, what do you work at?
It's so obvious they're instantly weighing you up on your job and potentially the positives and negatives your job have for them. I find it a real turn off when guys ask this as soon as they meet you.

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 05:38PM

Minimix wrote: »

This is not just a problem for guys, I know from experience that a lot of guys ask your name and the next question is, what do you work at?
It's so obvious they're instantly weighing you up on your job and potentially the positives and negatives your job have for them. I find it a real turn off when guys ask this as soon as they meet you.

Have to ask where do you meet these men? None of my friends looking for relationships would do such a thing for the simple reason that women would run a mile from them. Plus it's real meat market Territory, weighting up anyone male or female by what they do or earn is just wrong.

That's also the problem I have, even when I'm out with male friends just for a quiet pint, (late 30's, early 40's) you'd be bothered by women wanting to chat. We really wouldn't be in the mood. (as you get older the drive is still there but you know the probable hassle) You'd be polite but within 5 minutes they're going on about relationships, money and work prospects in the future. We just want to talk about Tubbs poor hosting of the Late Late! That's why we try to get one female friend out with us as that seems to keep them away!

However, I do know male idiots that are that blunt, but they always seem to be in relationships. Again personal observations, and perhaps I'm just looking at the world from my own little bubble.

Minimix · 22-08-2014 05:56PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

Have to ask where do you meet these men? None of my friends looking for relationships would do such a thing for the simple reason that women would run a mile from them. Plus it's real meat market Territory, weighting up anyone male or female by what they do or earn is just wrong.

That's also the problem I have, even when I'm out with male friends just for a quiet pint, (late 30's, early 40's) you'd be bothered by women wanting to chat. We really wouldn't be in the mood. (as you get older the drive is still there but you know the probable hassle) You'd be polite but within 5 minutes they're going on about relationships, money and work prospects in the future. We just want to talk about Tubbs poor hosting of the Late Late! That's why we try to get one female friend out with us as that seems to keep them away!

However, I do know male idiots that are that blunt, but they always seem to be in relationships. Again personal observations, and perhaps I'm just looking at the world from my own little bubble.

That's the reaction I have too- to run a mile. I find it so tactless and rude. Good to know there are still some guys who don't act like this as I seem to come across it a lot, usually in pubs.

Potatoeman · 22-08-2014 06:17PM

I dont see anything wrong with asking someone about their job. It doesnt mean you are sizing someone up, its a pretty casual thing to ask. If you dont want to talk about it steer the conversation in a different direction.

Pubs are social places too though there is nothing wrong with a quite pint, they are places to meet people. I enjoy chatting to randomers, it gives you other peoples views and you talk about other topics you might not with friends.

Wibbs · 22-08-2014 06:27PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

I dont see anything wrong with asking someone about their job. It doesnt mean you are sizing someone up, its a pretty casual thing to ask.

That would be my take too P. It can be cultural too. Irish people tend to ask "and what do you do for a living" pretty early on in a conversation regardless of the gender involved. If anything going by my experiences I'd say more blokes will ask other blokes than women will ask blokes. Other cultures may wait until more intimacy is reached and info is exchanged before the job thing comes up. I noticed it less among Spaniards and Italians for example, but maybe that was just the people I was meeting?

ancapailldorcha · 22-08-2014 06:30PM

Wibbs wrote: »

That would be my take too P. It can be cultural too. Irish people tend to ask "and what do you do for a living" pretty early on in a conversation regardless of the gender involved. If anything going by my experiences I'd say more blokes will ask other blokes than women will ask blokes. Other cultures tend to wait until more intimacy and info is exchanged before the job thing comes up.

I get it over here as well. It's something the average person devotes 40+ hours per week to so it can be a significant part of one's identity and it makes sense to be one of the first questions you'd ask someone you're getting to know.

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 06:33PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

I dont see anything wrong with asking someone about their job. It doesnt mean you are sizing someone up, its a pretty casual thing to ask. If you dont want to talk about it steer the conversation in a different direction.

Pubs are social places too though their is nothing wrong with a quite pint, they are places to meet people. I enjoy chatting to randomers, it gives you other peoples views and you talk about other topics you might not with friends.

It's not really asking about what someone works at, it's more a case of how it's asked and pushed artificially into a conversation. Again it's unsettling, of course you can steer the conversation away from that area but why should you have to? (plus sometimes it's actually hard to do because they keep coming back to the subject.)

Pubs are both for the quiet pint and places to meet people, usually you can work out which is which fairly easily. It like when 3 or 4 girls are out for a drink and a chat and some dim individuals come over trying to chat them up and the women are too polite to directly tell them to go away, but at the same time are giving loads of signals that they're not welcome, yet those type of fellas keep at it.

It's the same for me and one or two of my friends. You don't want to be rude but you don't want to be talking about work, money or indeed relationships, you just want to relax. Usually you just move to another pub but then you get these individuals saying they'll come too. Tricks have been developed how to deal with the problem but I'm not giving them out here:D Ultimately you don't want to be hurting anyone's feelings no matter who they are.

Potatoeman · 22-08-2014 06:43PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

It's not really asking about what someone works at, it's more a case of how it's asked and pushed artificially into a conversation. Again it's unsettling, of course you can steer the conversation away from that area but why should you have to? (plus sometimes it's actually hard to do because they keep coming back to the subject.)

Pubs are both for the quiet pint and places to meet people, usually you can work out which is which fairly easily. It like when 3 or 4 girls are out for a drink and a chat and some dim individuals come over trying to chat them up and the women are too polite to directly tell them to go away, but at the same time are giving loads of signals that they're not welcome, yet those type of fellas keep at it.

It's the same for me and one or two of my friends. You don't want to be rude but you don't want to be talking about work, money or indeed relationships, you just want to relax. Usually you just move to another pub but then you get these individuals saying they'll come too. Tricks have been developed how to deal with the problem but I'm not giving them out here:D Ultimately you don't want to be hurting anyone's feelings no matter who they are.

Thats crossing the line to pushy which is different. I'd also put asking salary questions as way too personal for casual conversations.

Minimix · 22-08-2014 06:59PM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

It's not really asking about what someone works at, it's more a case of how it's asked and pushed artificially into a conversation. Again it's unsettling, of course you can steer the conversation away from that area but why should you have to? (plus sometimes it's actually hard to do because they keep coming back to the subject.)

Yes, that's what I mean. I understand it's an obvious question to ask and someone which is a big part of anyone's life. The issue I have is when it's basically asked second to your name and when you can see that the guy is more or less makin his mind up about you depending on what your job is.

Onthe3rdDay · 22-08-2014 07:02PM

Minimix wrote: »

Yes, that's what I mean. I understand it's an obvious question to ask and someone which is a big part of anyone's life. The issue I have is when it's basically asked second to your name and when you can see that the guy is more or less makin his mind up about you depending on what your job is.

And I have almost exactly the same problem with certain women (they will try and work out however if it looks like you're going to progress forward) No real interest in someone in an okay job but standing still.

dellas1979 · 22-08-2014 07:49PM

LordNorbury wrote: »

Yup, pretty much so, the amount of paranoia and cynicism out there when dating these days, I find as actually remarkable. There is a basis for some of it as well I have to say, as you have a lot of people these days stuck in unhappy relationships, who lack the integrity or courage to leave them, usually citing a mortgage, kids, negative equity or some such excuse.

But I do put a lot of this unhealthy paranoia down to the recession and the last few years of living in this country. It's like there is this perverse culture of fear, suspicion and general negativity still hanging over the whole place, and if you are a single guy and in your 30's, you will usually run straight into it when dating.

Hi guys,

Single lady in her mid-30s here. I find this too (from guys). So, looks like the shoes fit on both feet here.

So, anyways, what do ye work as?

(hehehee

PS: Yes a lot of women out there unfortunately see a certain job and money and things as like a social status (and probably more so in your 30s). But, from my experience, if a man has money, and isnt a nice person, no amount of money is going to make him a nice person.

ancapailldorcha · 22-08-2014 07:58PM

dellas1979 wrote: »

PS: Yes a lot of women out there unfortunately see a certain job and money and things as like a social status (and probably more so in your 30s). But, from my experience, if a man has money, and isnt a nice person, no amount of money is going to make him a nice person.

I don't they're too bothered about personality if they're prioritizing a potential partner's salary.

dellas1979 · 22-08-2014 08:14PM

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I don't they're too bothered about personality if they're prioritizing a potential partner's salary.

Too true. But I guess what Im trying to say is that it happens to females too.
I think anyone in their 30s (male or female) are automatically pre-judged on (materialistic) things like salary, career, cars, house. Basically, materialistic things that make you "appear" a good catch or successful.

And (imo) it shouldnt be like this. Should be about the overall person

ancapailldorcha · 22-08-2014 08:16PM

dellas1979 wrote: »

Too true. But I guess what Im trying to say is that it happens to females too.
I think anyone in their 30s (male or female) are automatically pre-judged on (materialistic) things like salary, career, cars, house. Basically, materialistic things that make you "appear" a good catch or successful.

And (imo) it shouldnt be like this. Should be about the overall person

Oh, absolutely. I suppose it makes sense that it's starting to happen to women give the improving opportunities today's women can avail of.

Daveysil15 · 23-08-2014 07:59AM

Onthe3rdDay wrote: »

I sure it's not what you meant, but when you say you're wasting your time having a conversation with someone who's taken, that's exactly the kind of thing that frightens many of my male single friends. It's almost as if there's only one agenda and no time for a little innocent banter.

When i"ve been out else where outside of Ireland (Britain, Germany) I'm generally not hassled, plus the conversation is lighter at the start as it should be. I'm out to relax not to be sized up as a commodity.

+1. That mentality that you have an agenda or are only after one thing can get really annoying after a while. It has been a long time since I had a bit of innocent banter on a night out in Ireland.

In other places then conversation does tend to be a bit more relaxed and you're not sized up as much. Although it probably depends on the place. I'm in a rural area and tend to socialise in small towns and villages. Maybe its different in the big shmoke or other cities in Ireland.

Single life as a guy...

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