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Best Retort you've ever heard (Retort, fierce posh I am)

13»

Comments

  • #62
    osarusan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,059 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    I'll state of the art you.


  • #63
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    My brother was a terrible brat in school, very cheeky but had this woman teaching him Irish who wasn't the best looking woman to put it mildly. The both
    Of them were always having run ins with each other and almost all his notes in his journal were from her. Anyway, this one day before lunch he was sitting in Irish counting his money to see what he had for lunch time. She said to him "that's all the *family surname* are any good for, counting money. Brother turned around and told her she should be in the zoo with her brothers and sisters.

    He arrives home with a note in his journal to be signed which read

    "Cheeky when corrected in class. Told me I should be in the zoo. While this may be true, it's not an appropriate response to correction".

    I always thought that was a good response from her, she was obviously good humoured


  • #64
    fred funk }{
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,846 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    Churchill was the best.

    Lady Astor: "Winston, you're drunk".
    Winston: "But I shall be sober in the morning and you, madam, will still be ugly. "
    (It was probably not true that Churchill was drunk. While he was known for his habit of keeping a single glass of very watered-down whiskey handy throughout the day, he seldom drank to excess. He once said to his secretary: "I take a lot more out of drink that it takes out of me".)
    Lady Astor (first woman MP in the House of Commons): "Mr Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea."
    Winston (getting unsteadily to his feet): "Madam, if I were your husband ... I'd drink it."


  • #65
    wendell borton
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,335 ✭✭✭wendell borton


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-7gpgXNWYI


  • #66
    myshirt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    Pat Rabbitte came out with a few peaches in his time aswell. One that stuck with me, but I can't remember who it was about, some other politician, just say John Browne

    Miriam O'Callaghan: 'But Minister, you can't deny Fianna Fáil's John Browne is increasingly becoming a household name'

    Pat Rabbitte: 'Miriam.... will you get serious here.... John Browne is not even a household name in his own house; not to mind across the country'


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  • #67
    fiachr_a
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭fiachr_a


    Estate agent bringing an interested buyer around a building up for sale full of rented flats. He knocks on one door.

    Tenant: Yeah?
    Estate agent: We're looking around the building for the landlord.
    Tenant: Well, he's not in here.


  • #68
    md23040
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 524 ✭✭✭md23040


    Going to work with my flatmate from Ireland, both smartly dressed, and we were coming out of the shop having the craic when this North London scrot and his mate both decked out in their shiny tracksuits, aggressively shouts "what the fcok are you micks doing over here, piss OFFFF".

    My mate calmly says "it's okay we're just stealing your top jobs and shagging your woman"


    Add/on - This clip always cheers me up - forward on to 2 minutes.




  • #69
    Witchie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    My dad was going to Australia and at passport control was asked "Do you have a criminal record?" He responded "Why? Do you still need one to get in here?"


  • #70
    Simonigs1.0
    Closed Accounts Posts: 706 ✭✭✭Simonigs1.0


    6th year Biology and someone smugly asked our teacher what an orgasm was to which he replied

    "if you dont know what it is by now, youll never have to worry about it"

    It was magical.


  • #71
    DLMA23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 291 ✭✭DLMA23


    Witnessed a verbal altercation that nearly gave me a hernia from laughing, in the Phoenix Park between a lad driving his car & a 20 stone drunken skank wandering down the middle of the road.

    He beeps the horn to get her to shift her carcass & she retorts with every expletive she can remember in her inebriated state.

    Cue the driver, "will ya get outta the bleedin' road, I haven't enough petrol to drive around ya, ya fat bitch"


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  • #72
    downwesht
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 526 ✭✭✭downwesht


    Was at a wedding,was slagged about my height(6'5") every time I went to the bar ,by a five foot nothing life support machine for a mouth, whom I had never met before.I eventually had enough...asked him where he got his suit.....he replied" why?".....coz I had one just the same size when I got my communion I told him! and walked away to the sound of his friends taking the piss out of him.


  • #73
    Kinzig
    Closed Accounts Posts: 222 ✭✭Kinzig


    This happened years ago...a young 15 year old glasweigan was holidaying in Ireland at his parents homeplace, he was next door in a shed used as a garage hanging out with a bunch of lads much older than himself when in walked this other guy whose surname was foreshaw..cue the following conversation...

    Mr Foreshaw to the young glasweigan-"hows it going jockstrap!"

    young glasweigan to mr foreshaw-"not too bad foreskin":D:D..

    Mr foreshaw was so angry at the eruption of laughter from his mates that he actually tried to hit the young lad only the other lads intervened!..the young lads delivery was so cool billy connolly would have been proud!:pac:


  • #74
    20Cent
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,947 ✭✭✭20Cent


    Some scobies harassing a drag queen outside the George one night.
    conversation went like this
    whats your problem?
    Its a fella dressed like a woman
    so are ye
    wha?
    Well ye look like c**ts.


  • #75
    thee glitz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,294 ✭✭✭thee glitz


    BandyMandy wrote: »
    I can never think of a witty retort in the moment, its always later on I'd think 'I should have said that'

    Ah yes, l'esprit de l'escalier, that always happens me.


  • #76
    Dave H
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 196 ✭✭Dave H


    A friend's father had an accident years ago where he got buried under a load of steel that fell from the back of a lorry while he was cycling behind it. He was out cold for nearly a week and as the story goes, when he came to, the nurse told him what had happened and that he was in a heap but most definitely on the mend. He said to her "Will I be able to play the piano when I recover?"
    "Of course," she said.
    Then he says "Great, cos I couldn't play it before."


  • #77
    fiachr_a
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭fiachr_a


    Have you got a police record?

    Yes, I do actually: Don't stand so close to me!


  • #78
    mark_jmc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 608 ✭✭✭mark_jmc


    English and Australian cricketers involved in some sledging.


    English guy: Hey fatty, how did you get so fat?


    Australian: every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit


  • #79
    rawn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,093 ✭✭✭rawn


    Jennifer Lawrence being interviewed by Zack Galilfilleeilioo Alan from The Hangover. Skip in to .45 seconds.

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/40427c7af8/between-two-ferns-oscar-buzz-edition-part-1

    For those too lazy to click :pac:

    Zak: So you star in a movie called the Hunger Games...
    Jennifer: Isn't that your life story?

    Zak: (In reference to Bradley Cooper) Did you find it off-putting to work with someone who called you ugly?
    Jennifer: You should be off-pudding
    Zak: ...
    Jennifer: ... cos you're fat.


  • #80
    Ficheall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 9,067 ✭✭✭Ficheall


    My favourite from a similar thread last year
    PhlegmyMoses wrote: »
    Was on a bus a while ago and a few scrotes, around 14/15, were giving some hipster looking lad a load of abuse. The chief abuser was as fat as shít and trying to show off to his mates. Anyway, he started calling the bloke a paedo - the beard and glasses probably gave him the idea. He started saying "I bet you want to ride me, don't you, you paedo?", to which the previously silent bloke replied "Sorry, you have the wrong person, I don't **** baby whales....." From the laughs of his mates, you knew he'd be hearing that for a while afterwards.


  • #81
    FierceMild
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 57 ✭✭FierceMild


    My favorite one that I've witnessed personally was when I was boasting to my friend about my new found fitness regime;

    "I've lost ten pounds thanks for noticing!"

    "I'll notice it when you put it back on."


    I've also liked the classic retort that I've heard a couple of times when called a c*nt.

    "Well, I'd call you a c*nt but you've neither the warmth or the depth."


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  • #82
    djflawless
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,868 ✭✭✭djflawless


    Not exactly a war, as such but would love to have been there for/participated in the prohibition years!


  • #83
    SouthTippBass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,286 ✭✭✭SouthTippBass


    djflawless wrote: »
    Not exactly a war, as such but would love to have been there for/participated in the prohibition years!

    I think this is what you're looking for... https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057279162

    Maybe its time to go to bed now, its getting late and you have to be up early tomorrow.


  • #84
    bb1234567
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,513 ✭✭✭bb1234567


    UCDVet wrote: »
    Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

    The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.

    Actually the war caused a massive baby boom afterwards, so we probably ended up with more people on the earth in the end than if those people hadnt died


  • #85
    Padkir
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,293 ✭✭✭Padkir


    downwesht wrote: »
    Was at a wedding,was slagged about my height(6'5") every time I went to the bar ,by a five foot nothing life support machine for a mouth, whom I had never met before.I eventually had enough...asked him where he got his suit.....he replied" why?".....coz I had one just the same size when I got my communion I told him! and walked away to the sound of his friends taking the piss out of him.

    A friend of mine at school used to get similar slagging off this small fella for being 'a lanky string of piss'.

    Usually ignored it but snapped one day and said; 'will you ever shut the **** up, sure my knob is as long as ya'! :-D


  • #86
    bearhugs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 269 ✭✭bearhugs


    The one about the old Kerryman standing at the side of the road. Texan pulls up in a car and sees that the road peters out just ahead. He rolls down the window and says "Gee, this really is the asshole of nowhere, isn't it!" Quick as a flash the man replies, "Wouldn't you know it with all the **** passing through!"

    Another great one was Keane to Ferdinand, don't remember exactly the story but something like this. At training one day Keane is giving Ferdinand a hard time when Ferdinand starts giving out, says something along the lines of, "you don't want to injure the best half back in the country do you?" Keane replies, "Best half back in the country? You're not even the best half back in your own family!"


  • #87
    FatRat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭FatRat


    From Anchorman:

    Wes Mantooth: "It looks like the salvation army were having a yard sale"

    Brick: "Well.. where did you get your clothes? The.... toilet store?


  • #88
    Long Gone
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 770 ✭✭✭Long Gone


    Someone I know (as a response to his asking for more use of a certain resource at work that was in also in great demand by others) was given the "There's no "i" in team" lecture by one of the supervisors.

    His response ? - "No, but there's a "u" in c***"......


  • #89
    ruthloss
    Closed Accounts Posts: 637 ✭✭✭ruthloss


    Having drink with friend.,sitting minding our own business.
    Friend's ex's new girlfriend walks up to bar and spots my friend.

    "well, (she says) "I don't know what he saw in you"

    "well" (says my friend) "I don't give lessons":D


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