Best Retort you've ever heard (Retort, fierce posh I am)

PFL

What's the best retort to an asshole you ever heard. Mate of mine was telling this story some years ago about a neighbour beside him;

An old Farmer was burning rubbish and leaves one day. His newly moved in German neighbour arrives into his yard ranting and raving about the effect the old farmers burning actions were having on the environment.

Quick as a flash the old farmer retorted - "You weren't thinking of the environment too much when ye were burning the Jews"

End of conversation with new neighbour scampering out the yard.....so what's the wittiest retort you've heard.

AnonoBoy

So's your face.

wazky

Your biological female parent!

The Backwards Man

Local farmer when his ram didn't win first prize at the show

'What do you mean, his legs are too short. Sure don't they reach the ground?!'

Buona Fortuna

wazky wrote: »

Your biological female parent!

nearly

Saw this on here:

Never play chess with a pigeon, cos no matter how the game is going, the pigeon will sh1t on the board and strut around like they won anyway.

KeithM89

'If I wanted my own come-back, i'd wipe it off your mothers chin'

Timmyctc

The Cunning Linguist wrote: »

Garda to a boy racer he's just nabbed for speeding: "I've been waiting here all day to catch you."

Boy racer: "Well I got here as quick as I could."

I thought it had to be real. Not just one made up off the top of your head.

UCDVet

PFL wrote: »

What's the best retort to an asshole you ever heard. Mate of mine was telling this story some years ago about a neighbour beside him;

An old Farmer was burning rubbish and leaves one day. His newly moved in German neighbour arrives into his yard ranting and raving about the effect the old farmers burning actions were having on the environment.

Quick as a flash the old farmer retorted - "You weren't thinking of the environment too much when ye were burning the Jews"

End of conversation with new neighbour scampering out the yard.....so what's the wittiest retort you've heard.

Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.

Timmyctc

UCDVet wrote: »

Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.

So if I've interpreted this post correctly (And I believe I have) What you're saying is Hitler was a radical environmentalist and no more?

Day Lewin

Well there's a conversation-killer if ever I heard one.

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

PFL wrote: »

What's the best retort to an asshole you ever heard. Mate of mine was telling this story some years ago about a neighbour beside him;

An old Farmer was burning rubbish and leaves one day. His newly moved in German neighbour arrives into his yard ranting and raving about the effect the old farmers burning actions were having on the environment.

Quick as a flash the old farmer retorted - "You weren't thinking of the environment too much when ye were burning the Jews"

End of conversation with new neighbour scampering out the yard.....so what's the wittiest retort you've heard.

This happened your mate right?

Burn the rubbish!

bop1977

On a boards night out the conversation between me and a very strange boards bird went a little something like this:
Bird : I bet my house is bigger than yours.
Me : which one of my houses are you talking about?

Nib

A mate of mine who's always coming out with great one-liners was sizing up this bird on a night out recently, I commented that she was a bit of a munter. He replied "you don't be looking at the mantle piece when you're poking the fire".

Timmyctc

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »

This happened your mate right?

Burn the rubbish!

I doubt it was any truer when the poster in your link posted it. One of them "Wouldn't it be funny if this happened" scenarios. People just get carried away and ... shockingly enough .. some people lie on the internet :eek:

Chance The Fapper

One of the lads in school, who'd be fairly nerdy, said something which I can't remember.

Queue another lad coming in and saying "That's the gayest thing I've ever heard you say"

Then Niall turns around: "You know what the gayest thing I've ever heard you say is? Awh, I'm cumming James"

Banjo String

Coming out of mass one Sunday morning,

Local auld wan (80 odd) to a notorious grumpy old Bastard that used to drink in the my local.

"ah Joe your waves are saying good bye to you" (in reference to his balding head)

Joe (late 60s/early 70s)" WTF are you talking about you nosey auld bitch, sure you've hardly a hair on your own head either."

(she had auld woman falling out hair)

I almost wet myself.

Antar Bolaeisk

Timmyctc wrote: »

So if I've interpreted this post correctly (And I believe I have) What you're saying is Hitler was a radical environmentalist and no more?

He was a wannabe Genghis Khan.

PFL

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »

This happened your mate right?

Burn the rubbish!

Retort coming in 3-2-1......

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

Timmyctc wrote: »

I doubt it was any truer when the poster in your link posted it. One of them "Wouldn't it be funny if this happened" scenarios. People just get carried away and ... shockingly enough .. some people lie on the internet :eek:

People lie on the internet the internet...?

:eek:

:(:(:(

beks101

UCDVet wrote: »

Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.

Are you available for weddings and more importantly, bar mitzvahs?

Emmacash

There was some little cross-eyed 'scraped off the bottom of Satan's foot' chung one sitting down the back of a 77a bus I was on once.
She was trying to impress the rest of her scumbag buddies by making everyone else's bus journey hell.
She honed in on a nerdy, quiet looking fella and started ripping it out of him. He tried ignoring her but she wasn't impressed and grabbed him and shouted
''HERE! I'm talking to you!!''
Que nerd quietly-
''Oh were you? It's hard to tell. Y'know. Because of your..'' and waved his fingers in front of his eyes.
Her friends all broke their ****e laughin.
I love it when the under dog gets one up

gugleguy

My quadcopter cost one sixth of what Yours cost. I bought mine after Yours. I can fly mine for the whole duration of the battery power without crashing. You haven't landed your more expensive quadcopter even properly once:)

myshirt

One of my friends swallowed his pocket money years ago (50 pence or something).

He didn't choke or anything.

His mother was distressed, and said to a neighbour, as you did at the time, 'Margaret, what am I going to do'

Without a worry in the world she said, 'Sher bring him up to Fr. Keane there, that b@stard is brilliant at getting money out of people'

myshirt

Fat lady struggling to lose weight, really down on herself says 'I just know there's a skinny person inside me dying to get out'

*long enough pause*

'Just the one is it love?', replies the husband.

corner of hells

Emmacash wrote: »

There was some little cross-eyed 'scraped off the bottom of Satan's foot' chung one sitting down the back of a 77a bus I was on once.
She was trying to impress the rest of her scumbag buddies by making everyone else's bus journey hell.
She honed in on a nerdy, quiet looking fella and started ripping it out of him. He tried ignoring her but she wasn't impressed and grabbed him and shouted
''HERE! I'm talking to you!!''
Que nerd quietly-
''Oh were you? It's hard to tell. Y'know. Because of your..'' and waved his fingers in front of his eyes.
Her friends all broke their ****e laughin.
I love it when the under dog gets one up

Who's doing the translations tonight ?

FTA69

I heard a beaut eight years ago in Crouch End in London. Man walks up to the bar looking p*ssed off, an upset woman almost in tears follows him up and says:

"Look, I can explain everything..."

"Oh right, what the f*ck are you, a philosopher?"

Shiraz 4.99

Shooter McGavin: "I eat sh1t like you for breakfast"

Happy Gilmore: "You eat sh1t for breakfast ???"

Drakares

PFL wrote: »

What's the best retort to an asshole you ever heard. Mate of mine was telling this story some years ago about a neighbour beside him;

An old Farmer was burning rubbish and leaves one day. His newly moved in German neighbour arrives into his yard ranting and raving about the effect the old farmers burning actions were having on the environment.

Quick as a flash the old farmer retorted - "You weren't thinking of the environment too much when ye were burning the Jews"

End of conversation with new neighbour scampering out the yard.....so what's the wittiest retort you've heard.

This isn't even remotely witty and has been done to death..

Royce McCutcheon

Local cross eyed scrote walking through packed pub knocking into people and such, he walks into one of the barmen out picking up glasses:
Scrote:Why dont you look where your going?
Barman:Why dont you go where your looking?

The Th!ng

One day at work I got into an argument with a member of the public, this went on for a few minutes until he asked me did my employer allways employ assholes? Why, I replied, are you looking for a job? The guys with him burst into laughter whcih didn't help things, either.

Rjd2

UCDVet wrote: »

Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.

Have you been watching Utopia?:P

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcx-nf3kH_M

Merrion

Overheard a reply to the local bigot in the pub "Everyone's entitled to their opinion, I suppose, but are you really absolutely sure you want that one?"

Pumpkinseeds

Years ago I was looking around in an alternative type shop and there was an underage teen harassing the girl working behind the counter trying to get her to let him get a piercing. She ignored him for about 10 minutes, finally she turned around mid chat to her friend and says 'fcuk off and die'. I so wished I could do that in my job.

The Aussie

Years ago I was working on The Tennis Village here in Cork when it was being built, there was a little hairy redneck called Jerry Clark from Belfast, anywho he hated all foreigners. Australian, Kiwis, Yanks the Nigerians... Anyone who was not from the Island of Ireland type of thing.

He was going on with his anti foreigner rubbish again, he waited until he had an audience as usual and decided to go on a big rehearsed rant about the Australian flag with the Union Jack in the corner, so after he blew himself out of hot air I said "well it's like this Jerry, I would much rather the Union Jack in the corner of my Flag instead of the English in the corner of my Country"... Everyone within earshot spent the nex half hour laughing...

Not nearly as hard as I laughed when I read the front page of a red top about a year later with the headline Noddy gets 20 years for 40 winks with a picture of the little social cripple underneath...
It was this Langer

http://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/convicted-ira-man-gets-20-years-for-kidnapping-229318.html

Mr McBoatface

Year ago as an angry teen I'd a blazing row with my Dad it ended with the following exchange.

Me to my dad - "You're a balding auld prick, I hate you !"

My Dad's reply - "You where a good **** until you mother got in the way"

Kirby

There are either a lot more cross-eyes people out there than I thought, or boardsies are seeking them out. We are only three pages in guys.

thecornflake

Years ago downstairs on a Dublin bus heading into town for a night out with a few mates and my brother. A group of loud lads get on the bus, few drinks on them and thinking they're real hard. They all start going up the stairs when one of them starts shouting insults at my brother, and he starts shouting back.
At this point the whole bus is listening to them when eventually one of the lads says "You're a right c**t mate". There was a brief second of silence which was followed by my brother opening his arms towards the guy and saying "Well you better take a good look cos this is the only c**t you'll be seeing tonight". The lads mates all laughed at him as he sulked up the stairs without another peep from him.

CatLou

A girl I know was walking by some construction workers and one of them started catcalling and eventually said to her "I'd love to lick your favourite thing".
So she replied to him, "Sure, come by my place and you can lick my hubbies c**k".

auch.

syklops

Me and a friend going to Vegas for DefCon.

Airport security to him: Do you have anything sharp about your person.
Him: Just my Irish wit.


From Overheard in Dublin

Junky shouting at people on the luas. Sees a woman in full muslim Yashmak and other coverings and says to her: "Youze oughta go back to you're own country"
To which Muslim girl shouts back to him: "I am in me own bleedin country ya f$%^in prick!"

fineso.mom

My friend swears her friend witnessed this firsthand,but it sounded vaguely familiar to me so I'm not sure if it's just a made up story....I hope it's true.

Supposedly ....Cillian Murphy was out in Cork one night and became unruly after imbibing a little too much alcohol. He was asked to leave the premises and didn't take kindly to the request. After some cross words he asked the bouncer loudly and indignantly "Do you know who I am!"
Cue an old man in the corner declaring, "course we do boy, you're the langer who shot Michael Collins!"

jimboblep

Lady of the house at which churchill was drunk and belligerent "if you were my husband id poison your coffee" churchills reply "if you were my wife id drink it " ( believe it was churchill who said this may be wrong)

evolving_doors

Michael D's Reply to Michael G on that infamous 20 minute burn HERE

MG "Is there free speech in Ireland, or are you allowed to speak" (trying to get a word in edgeways)

MD "There is and you're taking up a lot of it!"

myshirt

When I done got my Leaving Cert results my father gave me a £100 and he told me go out and enjoy myself with the lads, but he wanted me in bed by half 11.

I said for f#ck sake anyway.

And then he said if you're not in bed by half eleven, I want you to come home.

EoghanIRL

You want my come back ? Well you'll have to scrape it off your mothers teeth .

UCDVet

CatLou wrote: »

A girl I know was walking by some construction workers and one of them started catcalling and eventually said to her "I'd love to lick your favourite thing".
So she replied to him, "Sure, come by my place and you can lick my hubbies c**k".

auch.

See - I wouldn't know if that was an insult or an invitation....

Macavity.

That is not in any way a witty retort. Sounds like something I would have said when I was 10.

My aunt: "I've just come back from WeightWatchers"

My dads reply: "No luck then?"

Doesn't seem that funny written down, but we laughed til we cried, including my aunt.:)

kingchess

years ago a mate of mine was talking to his neighbour,an elderly farmer,in a very remote area of west cork,when a rental car with two american tourists pulled up looking for direction,the driver rolled down her window and inquired "can we get to Bantry from here?"the farmer replied "of course you can,girleen, shure there are people who went to Australia from here.

Archeron

You're a towel!

fussyonion

You're like a bag of Lego.
You're in bits!

kingchess

if my dog had a face like yours,I would shave his ass and make him walk backwards,