Best Retort you've ever heard (Retort, fierce posh I am)

Merrion · 22-08-2014 10:36PM

Overheard a reply to the local bigot in the pub "Everyone's entitled to their opinion, I suppose, but are you really absolutely sure you want that one?"

Pumpkinseeds · 22-08-2014 10:56PM

Years ago I was looking around in an alternative type shop and there was an underage teen harassing the girl working behind the counter trying to get her to let him get a piercing. She ignored him for about 10 minutes, finally she turned around mid chat to her friend and says 'fcuk off and die'. I so wished I could do that in my job.

The Aussie · 22-08-2014 11:00PM

Years ago I was working on The Tennis Village here in Cork when it was being built, there was a little hairy redneck called Jerry Clark from Belfast, anywho he hated all foreigners. Australian, Kiwis, Yanks the Nigerians... Anyone who was not from the Island of Ireland type of thing.

He was going on with his anti foreigner rubbish again, he waited until he had an audience as usual and decided to go on a big rehearsed rant about the Australian flag with the Union Jack in the corner, so after he blew himself out of hot air I said "well it's like this Jerry, I would much rather the Union Jack in the corner of my Flag instead of the English in the corner of my Country"... Everyone within earshot spent the nex half hour laughing...

Not nearly as hard as I laughed when I read the front page of a red top about a year later with the headline Noddy gets 20 years for 40 winks with a picture of the little social cripple underneath...
It was this Langer

http://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/convicted-ira-man-gets-20-years-for-kidnapping-229318.html

Mr McBoatface · 22-08-2014 11:12PM

Year ago as an angry teen I'd a blazing row with my Dad it ended with the following exchange.

Me to my dad - "You're a balding auld prick, I hate you !"

My Dad's reply - "You where a good **** until you mother got in the way"

Kirby · 22-08-2014 11:15PM

There are either a lot more cross-eyes people out there than I thought, or boardsies are seeking them out. We are only three pages in guys.

thecornflake · 22-08-2014 11:15PM

Years ago downstairs on a Dublin bus heading into town for a night out with a few mates and my brother. A group of loud lads get on the bus, few drinks on them and thinking they're real hard. They all start going up the stairs when one of them starts shouting insults at my brother, and he starts shouting back.
At this point the whole bus is listening to them when eventually one of the lads says "You're a right c**t mate". There was a brief second of silence which was followed by my brother opening his arms towards the guy and saying "Well you better take a good look cos this is the only c**t you'll be seeing tonight". The lads mates all laughed at him as he sulked up the stairs without another peep from him.

CatLou · 22-08-2014 11:17PM

A girl I know was walking by some construction workers and one of them started catcalling and eventually said to her "I'd love to lick your favourite thing".
So she replied to him, "Sure, come by my place and you can lick my hubbies c**k".

auch.

syklops · 22-08-2014 11:18PM

Me and a friend going to Vegas for DefCon.

Airport security to him: Do you have anything sharp about your person.
Him: Just my Irish wit.

From Overheard in Dublin

Junky shouting at people on the luas. Sees a woman in full muslim Yashmak and other coverings and says to her: "Youze oughta go back to you're own country"
To which Muslim girl shouts back to him: "I am in me own bleedin country ya f$%^in prick!"

fineso.mom · 22-08-2014 11:18PM

My friend swears her friend witnessed this firsthand,but it sounded vaguely familiar to me so I'm not sure if it's just a made up story....I hope it's true.

Supposedly ....Cillian Murphy was out in Cork one night and became unruly after imbibing a little too much alcohol. He was asked to leave the premises and didn't take kindly to the request. After some cross words he asked the bouncer loudly and indignantly "Do you know who I am!"
Cue an old man in the corner declaring, "course we do boy, you're the langer who shot Michael Collins!"

jimboblep · 22-08-2014 11:19PM

Lady of the house at which churchill was drunk and belligerent "if you were my husband id poison your coffee" churchills reply "if you were my wife id drink it " ( believe it was churchill who said this may be wrong)

evolving_doors · 22-08-2014 11:26PM

Michael D's Reply to Michael G on that infamous 20 minute burn HERE

MG "Is there free speech in Ireland, or are you allowed to speak" (trying to get a word in edgeways)

MD "There is and you're taking up a lot of it!"

myshirt · 22-08-2014 11:26PM

When I done got my Leaving Cert results my father gave me a £100 and he told me go out and enjoy myself with the lads, but he wanted me in bed by half 11.

I said for f#ck sake anyway.

And then he said if you're not in bed by half eleven, I want you to come home.

EoghanIRL · 22-08-2014 11:29PM

You want my come back ? Well you'll have to scrape it off your mothers teeth .

UCDVet · 22-08-2014 11:42PM

CatLou wrote: »

A girl I know was walking by some construction workers and one of them started catcalling and eventually said to her "I'd love to lick your favourite thing".
So she replied to him, "Sure, come by my place and you can lick my hubbies c**k".

auch.

See - I wouldn't know if that was an insult or an invitation....

Macavity. · 22-08-2014 11:45PM

That is not in any way a witty retort. Sounds like something I would have said when I was 10.

23-08-2014 12:03AM

My aunt: "I've just come back from WeightWatchers"

My dads reply: "No luck then?"

Doesn't seem that funny written down, but we laughed til we cried, including my aunt.:)

kingchess · 23-08-2014 12:10AM

years ago a mate of mine was talking to his neighbour,an elderly farmer,in a very remote area of west cork,when a rental car with two american tourists pulled up looking for direction,the driver rolled down her window and inquired "can we get to Bantry from here?"the farmer replied "of course you can,girleen, shure there are people who went to Australia from here.

Archeron · 23-08-2014 12:13AM

You're a towel!

fussyonion · 23-08-2014 12:14AM

You're like a bag of Lego.
You're in bits!

kingchess · 23-08-2014 12:21AM

if my dog had a face like yours,I would shave his ass and make him walk backwards,

_Whimsical_ · 23-08-2014 12:27AM

Those aren't retorts, just random insults.

PFL · 23-08-2014 12:40AM

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Those aren't retorts, just random insults.

Definition of a Retort;

say something in answer to a remark, typically in a sharp, angry, or witty manner.

_Whimsical_ · 23-08-2014 12:49AM

PFL wrote: »

Definition of a Retort;

say something in answer to a remark, typically in a sharp, angry, or witty manner.

Exactly, it requires context in the form of the initial remark to be a retort.

Johro · 23-08-2014 12:56AM

I was playing pool one time with a couple of Chinese guys who work at the takeaway across the road from the local, and the local ignorant redneck ("Are we racist now, Father?") came in, leaned,against the wall, pint in hand, went: "fuckin stinks in here".
I said "Does it? Maybe your nose is to close to your mouth."

Czarcasm · 23-08-2014 01:04AM

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Exactly, it requires context in the form of the initial remark to be a retort.

You mean something like -

When I was a child, curse words were very much frowned upon in our household. So myself and my brother were having an argument over the dinner table (he's 10 and I'm about 8 at the time), and it got fairly heated, to the point where I eventually came out with "up yours!". As soon as I said it I knew I could be in trouble.

My brother: Up my what <Czarcasm>?

Me: Up your... rectum!

Whole fcuking table burst into fits of laughing, I'd gotten away with it and turned the humiliation back on the brother at the same time

djflawless · 23-08-2014 01:05AM

In a pub 1 night when a big fat fcuk at the bar beside me kindly informed me that I looked like I survived a famine
Wasn't too happy when I told him he looked like he caused it

BandyMandy · 23-08-2014 01:38AM

I can never think of a witty retort in the moment, its always later on I'd think 'I should have said that' .....Like the time someone called me a bandy **ck, it was only later I thought of this reply ....' I know you are but what am I?'

maxwell smart · 23-08-2014 01:50AM

Today in Tesco down in the wine aisle.

Some sale on one of the red wines and a very nice looking blonde is bending over to get the wine on the bottom shelf. Looks like there are 4 or 5 bottles of whatever left.
I am looking at the beer near it.....
Then a woman, speaking Russian on her mobile, starts 'shouting' at this blonde woman.
'Out of my way I want that wine'
Blonde says ' hang on I am nearly finished here' and proceeds to take all the 5 bottles on special offer.
Russian speaking woman says ' out of my way I shouldn't be fookin queuing for wine I want that bottle you have'
Blonde says ' sorry but there are none left'
Russian says ( while still on the phone) ' fookin Irish I am not going to queue to get some fookin wine, give me a bottle'
Blonde says ' sure you must be used to queuing down the dole!!' And walks off.

Everyone in the aisle broke their ****e laughing!

Ganymede Glow · 23-08-2014 01:52AM

Always remember Billy Connolly telling a good one. Back when you could smoke in bars and that he was in a hotel bar having a cigar when a woman came over and asked him to put it out because her friend was allergic to smoke. He said if she's allergic to smoke what the fúck is she doing in here? It was the only room in the hotel where you could smoke.

He obviously tells it much funnier that me

DrGreenthumb · 23-08-2014 02:06AM

my dad not known for his comedic prowess came out with a great one years ago,

cant remember what I was showing him but I was like da it's state of the art,

to which he promptly replied the "state of your art"

I'll always remember that one

Best Retort you've ever heard (Retort, fierce posh I am)

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