The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

FanadMan · 22-08-2014 02:44AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

This bloke keeps phoning me up and asking for Prince Charming. Every single time I tell him there is no one here by that name but he's adamant.

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

:P

chughes · 22-08-2014 08:35AM

FanadMan wrote: »

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

:P

Sir, I tip my hat to you for being able to stand and deliver such a great Adam Ant pun....

Buona Fortuna · 22-08-2014 09:49AM

A hotshot Dublin lawyer is out for the day in the country with his lawyer mates.

They stop the car and decide to play Frisbee.

All is going well until the Frisbee sails over the adjoining hedge.

The lawyer starts climbing the hedge until an old farmer sticks his head up and says "You ain't going on my land no way."
The lawyer replies that he is entitled to recover his property, but the farmer is having none of it.
The lawyer explains that he is the top litigater in Dublin and that he will sue the farmer and probably win his house and land unless he is allowed to recover his property.

The farmer replies "Well around here we settle things with the one quick rule. Its quicker and cheaper."
"How does that work?" asks the lawyer.
"Well I kick you and then you kick me and who ever gives in first wins."
"OK" says the lawyer "We'll do that."

The farmer is surprisingly fit for his age and the lawyer notices he has got really big boots on. He's feeling sligtly nervous as he looks down at his own trainers, but he can't back down in front of his mates.

The farmer goes back 20 paces. He takes a quick run and lands his right boot square onto the lawyers testicles. The lawyer sees stars. He feels sick. He falls to his knees and its several minutes before he can speak.

The lawyer struggles to his feet. He's red in the face "Right, my turn."

"Nah" says them farmer "You win, you can get your Frisbee"

22-08-2014 08:34PM

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fúck or drown...

Capt'n Midnight · 22-08-2014 11:07PM

I've managed to lose over a stone on the Adam Ant diet.

It's really very easy: Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.

wp_rathead · 23-08-2014 01:32PM

A banker, an immigrant and a Daily Mail reader are sitting round a table. Someone brings in a tray of twelve biscuits. The banker grabs 11, turns to the Daily Mail reader and says "Watch out mate, he'll be taking your one in a minute"

Buona Fortuna · 25-08-2014 11:37AM

Ponso, an old retired sailor,
puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more,
for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute
and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies,
'Well Ponso, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says,
'You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and you're knot getting your money back.'

foxy farmer · 26-08-2014 12:30AM

What's the difference between pink and purple?
The woman's grip!

Joemcn95 · 26-08-2014 02:20AM

I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

rolliepoley · 28-08-2014 12:25AM

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Hermy · 28-08-2014 08:50AM

I got a job as a postman - on the first day they gave me the sack!

byrner88 · 28-08-2014 06:53PM

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?"

"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."

29-08-2014 07:29PM

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.

'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'

edgecutter · 29-08-2014 07:55PM

I'll never forget what my Granddad said to me on his death bed.

"What are you doing with that pillow?"

Busted Flat. · 29-08-2014 08:05PM

edgecutter wrote: »

I'll never forget what my Granddad said to me on his death bed.

"What are you doing with that pillow?"

Probably posted before, Grandad on his death bed with all his fighting family around him "Cough splutter the money is in the cough splutttteer"

Ps short version.

Mariasofia · 29-08-2014 08:09PM

A married couple were at a school reunion when the wife nudges her husband and says "see that fella over there, I heard he took to the drink 20 years ago when I broke up with him and he hasnt stopped since"

He replies "jaysus didnt think anyone could celebrate for that long"

crazygeryy · 29-08-2014 08:41PM

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will be on their backs waving their legs in the air.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls into bed wrecked..

The next morning, hes so tired he cannot even get out of bed to look at the sheep. He nudges his wife and says" look out the window are those sheep on their backs, legs waving in the air?. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck beeping the horn!

Sunnyisland · 30-08-2014 08:18AM

My sister in law was going into town on the rip last night. I couldnt help notice her fake nails, false tan, fake hand bag, false eye lashes, fake boobs, false hair, fake jewellery. I said to her "you must be going out to get a fella." she replied "sure there's no 'Real Men' left in this town."

Long Gone · 31-08-2014 05:25AM

" Fat Penguin "

I just thought I'd say something to break the ice......

31-08-2014 11:34AM

A youngster was desperate, had no other place and was screwing his girl on a railway track.

The driver of the approaching train starts hooting from a distance but the couple ignore it.

He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few inches away from the couple.

He jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who has just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants.

The driver yells, "Do you realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been your last fúck?!!!"

Boy,"Listen dude, you were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realised ....only you have brakes !!

barneysplash · 31-08-2014 04:05PM

This is a true story.

Back in the early 90s, many groups of likely lads and lasses across the land
started going on foreign weekends away on the beer.

This was made possible by cheap flights from the likes Ryanair, British Midland
and EasyJet. Most people were working, and could head off a few times a year
for a piss up and maybe a grope of some foreign talent.

My older brother and his friends, who were at the time in their early 20s,
started to go on these trips every few months - Manchester, Newcastle,
Prague, and of course, Europe's sex and drug capital - Amsterdam.

One weekend my brother and a few of his friends went over to Amsterdam for the first time.

Unfortunately, one of my brother's pals, a chap called Jackie, couldn't go as he was working.

One of the guys on the trip, a chap called Col, wakes up on Saturday Afternoon and
decides to ring Jackie, to let him know what he's missing.

So he heads out of the hostel and finds a telephone box. Col slots in a few
Dutch Guilder coins and dials his friend's house back in Ireland.

*Ring-Ring*

*Ring-Ring*

"Hello?"

"Hello Mrs. Smith, it's Colin, how are you?"

"Ah hello Colin, how are you? Are you having fun in Amsterdam?"

"Ah it's lovely here, the canals and the houses are beautiful. We were in the Van Gogh museum
yesterday and today we're going to go on a tour of the Heineken brewery."

"Oh be-dads, mind you don't have one too many on the tour and fall in a canal, ha ha."

"Ha ha, no I won't, is John there?"

"He is Colin, still in bed as usual. John! It's Colin on the phone for you."

"Well enjoy yourself Colin and I'll see your mam down the town, don't forget and give her a
call as well, won't you?"

"I rang her when we landed yesterday, Mrs. Smith."

"Ah good lad Colin, here he is now - still half asleep as usual, bye Colin, God bless."

"Bye Bye Mrs. Smith."

"Hello?"

"Jackie, it's Col."

"Ah good man Col what's the crack, whats Amsterdam like?"

"Oh man, it's brilliant."

"Yeah?"

"We got here last night and went straight out to the red light district.
We went to a sex show, it was amazing. You should have seen your man's knob
It was like a ruler."

"Yeah? Deadly!"

"Then we went to the coffee shops after that, big lumps of hash laid out in like a salad bar
and you pick what you want and they'll make up joints for you there and then."

"Are ya serious?"

Ah it's mental Jackie, they cops are strolling by the window and we're puffing away and having
a beer. Brilliant."

"Class!"

"It's unbelievable, You'd want to see the women here."

"Oh man I'm raging, I couldn't go."

"Ah here, wait 'til I tell you, Jackie the best thing is these **** booths, they have them everywhere."

"No way!"

"Yeah they're all over the place here. You'd never see anything like them at home."

"LISTEN COL!" shouts Jackie all excited, "BRING ME BACK A PAIR I'M A SIZE 9!"

rolliepoley · 31-08-2014 05:26PM

A Chinese man dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?" asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus," says the china man.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your curry is here."

Ted_YNWA · 01-09-2014 10:31PM

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I was dreaming about Suggs all last night and when I woke this morning I thought now wasn't that Madness

You woke up in Our House in your Baggy Trousers.

chughes · 02-09-2014 08:52AM

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I was dreaming about Suggs all last night and when I woke this morning I thought now wasn't that Madness

When you dream of something like this, It Must Be Love. I hope this isn't an Embarrassment for you....

crazygeryy · 02-09-2014 10:27AM

What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

You can't marmalade your cock up a birds arse.
(jimmy carr joke)

Witchie · 02-09-2014 10:32PM

chughes wrote: »

When you dream of something like this, It Must Be Love. I hope this isn't an Embarrassment for you....

aw come here....that was just one step beyond what was called for.

Busted Flat. · 02-09-2014 11:11PM

Hopefully this thread will go back to jokes, and not turn into a discussing thread.

Witchie · 02-09-2014 11:14PM

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Hopefully this thread will go back to jokes, and not turn into a discussing thread.

Feck off would ya....this isn't a house of fun you know.

WilyCoyote · 03-09-2014 03:08AM

Witchie wrote: »

Feck off would ya....this isn't a house of fun you know.

Could have fooled me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ2X9SANsME

everlast75 · 04-09-2014 11:12AM

What's the first sign on madness?

Suggs walking up your front garden

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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