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Younger man, older woman (in general)
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you sure?
or you sent pm to someone else and just thought we would be happy to know that0 -
So when they start to express a wish for something more I start to feel unease and something changes in me making me starting to feel uncomfortable.
No matter what a woman looks like, big, small, loud, quite, shabby, classy, there's a guy out there that has an obsession for that type of woman.0 -
Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,098 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 59027
pickarooney wrote: »If this thread doesn't end with Wibbs and Joya shacking up I'll be very disappointed.aw okay, let me see : )
in relation to this particular friend i really thought we are friends for all those years. it was an enjoyable friendship as far as i am concerned. i am also grateful to him because when i was going through some tough time he was there for me and listen..women are usually right if they feel jealous - that something is going on .. and it is usually of s*xual nature..like why would she be jealous - when we are just friends, unless there is something more from your side, and is there..
so he blushed and was all smitten etc and then he told me.you never had a friend like that?
If they did I'd walk away. For their sake and the sake of any boyfriends they had. Sure I would be sorry to have lost what we had, but no way would I keep someone around knowing they were in love with me when I had no intention of returning that. IMHO it's better to cause an acute pain by leaving, than a chronic pain by remaining. On the other side now that he(and others) know you're not interested he should grow a clue and a spine and walk away himself. I could never see the attraction of unrequited love. Unrequited love is an oxymoron.i also am hoping that through our friendship he can perhaps learn something and change.i decided looong time ago that i would never hurt another woman because of man. believe me, i had offers.i want to believe in second chances you know. do you consider that wrong?in relation to pre-selection, i mean, do you really believe i 'select' man who work in the same office like me. or go to same course like me. or doctors who are operating on me and then have a crash one me.. subconsciously.. this story above is just one of many, i would not know where to start if id need to write all of that..i must be some witch according to youbut really - lets go back to the topic - if possible and not make it personal okay?
My 3 cents anyway.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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I don't know, it sounds like you're the one with the problem, although it's not exactly a bad problem to have. You have men in their prime falling over themselves to have your attention, which would lead me to believe there's plenty of older men that would feel the same but maybe put off by the caliber of your suitors. You're in the enviable position to be able to pick and choose from a wide variety of suitor.
No matter what a woman looks like, big, small, loud, quite, shabby, classy, there's a guy out there that has an obsession for that type of woman.
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i surely do. hence the thread. because i am then placed in position to reject someone. i know rejecting is not a pleasant thing for anyone. so because i do genuinely care about those people so i start to feel uncomfortable. however i do put everything out there so that my position is clear, i don't know what else.. perhaps to close all those doors as wibbs is suggesting?... :unsure:
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yes there are older man too (i never said there are not). man with careers and well suited on their own feet etc. but somehow it is for me easier to deal with them. not easy. for example, one about 40 yoa is currently in one foreign country due to work but is calling me and texting me and sending me those romantic images etc. i know him for 5 years about as well.
twice over that time i did tell him i am not interested in relationship with him, as he mentioned marriage etc. now he was supposed to come back in the beginning of July, and i thought its good to have that final open conversation with him then, face to face.
but something postponed his return by mid of august and since i see he's again cherishing hopes i have to see if it is better to deal with it over the phone. he was feeling hurt before, and he expressed it, so i know it will be painful again. but anyway i will have to accept the possibility that we will then close doors for each other completely.
anyway, and perhaps should admit here that, since i was with my ex BF, i do find now younger man attractive.. and it is also confusing me.. i think all those guys just messed my head so i am trying to put it straight again TBH0 -
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Something about a thread basically complaining about having attractive, diverse and adoring friends and potential suitors doesn't sit right with me when I think of all the people living in grinding loneliness.0
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Maximus Alexander wrote: »It's their fault for being uggos in fairness.
Some of the best and brighest I know are at heart lonely people or were at one time or other.
Loneliness is part of the human condition, almost all of us will experience at some points in life to varying degrees.
Feeling it does not make you an uggo.0 -
Some of the best and brighest I know are at heart lonely people or were at one time or other.
Loneliness is part of the human condition, most of us will experience at some points in life to varying degrees.
Feeling it does not make you an uggo.
It was a joke, a jape, a jest, a quip even, if you will.
I'm devilishly handsome, highly intelligent, humble and am possessed of a rapier wit. Yet even I have been lonely in bygone times.0 -
Ah here Ted. Feck off. :pac:
and all through that time you didn't spot he had the hots for you? Really? OK. If it was a one off and you were 22 I could see it alright. However given this seems to have been a pattern in your life with a fair number of men you would think you'd have spotted it more easily by now.
perhaps it comes to the question of can man and woman be friends. i believe they can.I have found that they're just as likely to be wrong as right. Gut instinct is not a great judge. Not on its own anyway. But in this case she was right to have concerns. As for the nature of the cheating, sexual is but one type. Sure it's the most obvious type and the one that usually gets men more worked up, but emotional cheating is another type and I have found the ladies much better at spotting that and having an issue with it(rightfully IMHO).So she spotted this something more from his side and you didn't?
A woman friend who I knew/found out had romantic feelings for me, romantic feelings I didn't return, yet kept her around because what I was getting out of the friendship was more important than her feelings and the feelings of any boyfriends she had? That would be a no. My women friends are actual friends. None have those kind of feelings for me and vice versa.If they did I'd walk away. For their sake and the sake of any boyfriends they had. Sure I would be sorry to have lost what we had, but no way would I keep someone around knowing they were in love with me when I had no intention of returning that. IMHO it's better to cause an acute pain by leaving, than a chronic pain by remaining. On the other side now that he(and others) know you're not interested he should grow a clue and a spine and walk away himself. I could never see the attraction of unrequited love. Unrequited love is an oxymoron.Yet at least one of these guys girlfriends knew something was up and was jealous about it. Now how he feels is nothing to do with you, but how you act when you know is.Nope I'm a big believer in second chances, however sometimes you give people a second chance by choosing to not be around them.You've just kinda proven my point. Offices and courses and hospitals and life are full of men yet as you say you have many such stories with the same remarkably consistent narrative. What's the common denominator? You.
even when i mentioned the doctor to my therapist who asked me out lol she said it is unethical and unprofessional. so perhaps i should not be going to checking out after the operation? i don't know. i think people simply meet. anywhere. i will perhaps tell you a story of one of my ex colleagues in some other post : )...Well the topic is pretty personal and about you IMHO. The (in general) in the title is more like a pre deflection. Kinda like in a conversation where someone says "I don't wanna make this all about me, but..." followed by a conversation all about them. I reckon any objective reader would come to pretty much the same conclusion.
My 3 cents anyway.
i will be more than happy to read about other peoples experiences and thoughts, as i am happy to talk here with you and think about your views0 -
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Something about a thread basically complaining about having attractive, diverse and adoring friends and potential suitors doesn't sit right with me when I think of all the people living in grinding loneliness.
i actually do feel extremely lonely very often, believe it or not. life has many sides doesn't it...0 -
Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,098 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 59027
bold 1
i surely do. hence the thread. because i am then placed in position to reject someone. i know rejecting is not a pleasant thing for anyone. so because i do genuinely care about those people so i start to feel uncomfortable. however i do put everything out there so that my position is clear, i don't know what else.. perhaps to close all those doors as wibbs is suggesting?... :unsure:for example, one about 40 yoa is currently in one foreign country due to work but is calling me and texting me and sending me those romantic images etc. i know him for 5 years about as well.
twice over that time i did tell him i am not interested in relationship with him, as he mentioned marriage etc. now he was supposed to come back in the beginning of July, and i thought its good to have that final open conversation with him then, face to face.
but something postponed his return by mid of august and since i see he's again cherishing hopes i have to see if it is better to deal with it over the phone. he was feeling hurt before, and he expressed it, so i know it will be painful again. but anyway i will have to accept the possibility that we will then close doors for each other completely.
Now you have told this guy no way on the romance front, so why is he sticking around? Why are the others sticking around? Some might reckon you're "leading them on" emotionally and keeping them on the hook. I wouldn't, or at least that's a small part of the story. IMHO any sensible clued in emotionally mature man would walk away early on. No woman(or man for that matter) is worth waiting for when they've told you it's not going to happen.
What I do think is happening is that like I said you're preselecting this type of man to hang around with. The naive, the emotionally immature, the ones who buy into the idea that they're Ben Stiller in some romcom Hollywood ideal of "love" and their Jennifer Aniston will see them for who they are and fall in love with them in the last reel. I'd bet the farm that there are a lot of commonalities with all these guys regardless of age. I've seen it so many times. Hell I've preselected myself in the past, but luckily I realised it quickly enough and stopped.
You're also encouraging this behaviour. You've spelled it out above. This 40 year old bloke you've known for five years has brought up marriage and is still "calling [you] and texting [you] and sending [you] those romantic images etc" at the moment. You told him this was never going to happen. So... he's either a complete and utter moron, or you've given him some indication he may still have a chance, by confusing him with emotional engagement that he mistakes for romantic engagement. Or it's a little from column A and a little from column B. He is a bit of a moron and you've encouraged him.
I'll bet many more of the ladies reading this will be agreeing with me. Few enough would keep a lovesick bloke around for years, they'd let them down gently and if that didn't work they'd drop them from their lives as weirdo stalkers. How many women would have a number of these lovesick guys?
So it boils down to this; what are you getting out of it? You're getting something from it or you would have crossed these guys out of your life long ago.DeadHand wrote:Something about a thread basically complaining about having attractive, diverse and adoring friends and potential suitors doesn't sit right with me when I think of all the people living in grinding loneliness.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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He is a bit of a moron and you've encouraged him.
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So it boils down to this; what are you getting out of it? You're getting something from it or you would have crossed these guys out of your life long ago.
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Indeed, hence I mused this was yet another avenue of validation going on.
1. i would not call anyone a moron. its disrespectful.
this man divorced 6 years ago so before he met me. he is a surgeon in a very respected hospital in Dublin, working on many papers and researches etc, flying around the world to conferences and doing very respectable work.
yet yes, maybe when it comes to love we all become "morons" a little. i am joking, but no, i don't think he is a moron, don't get me wrong. but i do hope we will straight this out whichever outcome it may have. perhaps you are right and i am "encouraging" him just by being present in his life. if so, that may change too. i will (have to) find a way to have this (final) facing with him.
2. what i am getting? we all get something out of any interaction with others don't we? so yes, i suppose i do get something out of communication with these guys. (i have few female friends too). what is it? you think it is only a "validation" of myself, well, that would be quite plain and very shallow don't you think. i'm not sure i am at all interested in that kind of communication. never was, never will be. i also do give something to this people, and i feel good about it. until it comes to this. i mean its like a joke. really. i sometimes wish i could be a woman who would be able to for example go to bed with all these man make them happy and just continue to live. but i cannot. after i divorced and broke up with my ex bf, i was wondering for a while if i could live like that. tried once TBH. it was a great experience but it also left kind of a hole in my heart. so yes, i do not want to repeat it. not like that.
to make this story short, maybe you re right, maybe i should just stop communicating with all of them and "turn the page", one fresh and blank.
ps. (i don't know what IMHO means :/o) : ))0 -
1. i would not call anyone a moron. its disrespectful.
this man divorced 6 years ago so before he met me. he is a surgeon in a very respected hospital in Dublin, working on many papers and researches etc, flying around the world to conferences and doing very respectable work.
yet yes, maybe when it comes to love we all become "morons" a little. i am joking, but no, i don't think he is a moron, don't get me wrong. but i do hope we will straight this out whichever outcome it may have. perhaps you are right and i am "encouraging" him just by being present in his life. if so, that may change too. i will (have to) find a way to have this (final) facing with him.
2. what i am getting? we all get something out of any interaction with others don't we? so yes, i suppose i do get something out of communication with these guys. (i have few female friends too). what is it? you think it is only a "validation" of myself, well, that would be quite plain and very shallow don't you think. i'm not sure i am at all interested in that kind of communication. never was, never will be. i also do give something to this people, and i feel good about it. until it comes to this. i mean its like a joke. really. i sometimes wish i could be a woman who would be able to for example go to bed with all these man make them happy and just continue to live. but i cannot. after i divorced and broke up with my ex bf, i was wondering for a while if i could live like that. tried once TBH. it was a great experience but it also left kind of a hole in my heart. so yes, i do not want to repeat it. not like that.
to make this story short, maybe you re right, maybe i should just stop communicating with all of them and "turn the page", one fresh and blank.
ps. (i don't know what IMHO means :/o) : ))
When it comes to relationships that surgeon is indeed a moron. And yes that is disrespectful as it is hard to respect to someone who acts like a moron. I suspect the fact you have a surgeon pursuing you adds to the validation you clearly crave.0 -
Cold Vapour wrote: »When it comes to relationships that surgeon is indeed a moron. And yes that is disrespectful as it is hard to respect to someone who acts like a moron. I suspect the fact you have a surgeon pursuing you adds to the validation you clearly crave.
aw jesus, great isnt it
it did not come to your mind that actually conversations with him are very interesting..
or should i reject him just because he is surgeon (so that i do not "validate" myself)..0 -
In all fairness, a person who's extremely attractive and very friendly must have to deal with a mountain this crap that, while it might seem the kind of problem less beautiful people would love to have, must get old very quickly. Kind of like being exrtaordinarily wealthy, you'd always be questioning in the back of your mind if someone was really a friend.
But I think the thread title has little or nothing to do with the actual problem.0 -
Cold Vapour wrote: »When it comes to relationships that surgeon is indeed a moron. And yes that is disrespectful as it is hard to respect to someone who acts like a moron. I suspect the fact you have a surgeon pursuing you adds to the validation you clearly crave.
You don't know the person in question so it is quite naive of you to call him a moron. As for Joya "craving validation" wake up, if she wanted validation why would she be upset over this issue and y would she bring it up on a forum???0 -
Bob.Carcass wrote: »You don't know the person in question so it is quite naive of you to call him a moron. As for Joya "craving validation" wake up, if she wanted validation why would she be upset over this issue and y would she bring it up on a forum???
Also if it was validation she was after I have no doubt we'd be bombarded with some duck-face selfies to which we could respond with a chorus of "You don't look like you're in your late 30s!"0 -
Maximus Alexander wrote: »Also if it was validation she was after I have no doubt we'd be bombarded with some duck-face selfies to which we could respond with a chorus of "You don't look like you're in your late 30s!"
Exactly, i was saving that one for when he replied0 -
If you like someone age doesn't matter.
However it would be hard to put up with someone who yaks on about themselves non-stop.0 -
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pickarooney wrote: »But I think the thread title has little or nothing to do with the actual problem.
Yes, i agree we went off topic.
Can we go back to it now please.
Perhaps it was my bad for telling some of my stories, but I thought it would clarify the question and give it a frame. then people are responding and i was responding.
i will be happy to continue with the topic.
can it work? how? what would you think of people you see on street together with a big age gap but where woman is obviously older not the other way around cause it seems more acceptable. what of that guy what of that woman
what lads in age i mentioned really want if they pursue the older woman.. thoughts on that..
i mean behind the obvious eg sex/experience.
or is it just exactly that. and nothing more. can it be more?
i'll restrain myself from my personal from now on, i do not mind that at all, unless someone asks me specifically, but even then i can try to give a general answer.
thanks a lot0 -
Yes, i agree we went off topic.
Can we go back to it now please.
Perhaps it was my bad for telling some of my stories, but I thought it would clarify the question and give it a frame. then people are responding and i was responding.
i will be happy to continue with the topic.
can it work? how? what would you think of people you see on street together with a big age gap but where woman is obviously older not the other way around cause it seems more acceptable. what of that guy what of that woman
what lads in age i mentioned really want if they pursue the older woman.. thoughts on that..
i mean behind the obvious eg sex/experience.
or is it just exactly that. and nothing more. can it be more?
i'll restrain myself from my personal from now on, i do not mind that at all, unless someone asks me specifically, but even then i can try to give a general answer.
thanks a lot
Of course it can work Joya, but it all depends on wheter or not you want it to. I personally don't like very young women 17-25ish going out with older men by older i mean 5+ yrs age gap or so, i just don't like it, i think the woman is very vunlerable in that situation. Call it sexist or whatever you like it is just how i feel.
For a woman in her thirties to go out with a man in his twenties is perfectly fine and TBH seeing you with a young man walking down the street well i wouldn't bat an eyelid why would i??? You shouldn't need others approval anyway. If you like it, it makes you happy and it is legal then do it!!
For me personally (early 20's) i couldn't have a relationship with say a 38 year old because i would want children later on in life and that is really the only thing stopping me. Would i have sexual relations with a woman that age, of course would have a "fling" or "fck buddy type thing" yes, but once feelings are involved it would be too difficult considering the stages of life and desired outcomes we share would be so different.0 -
Bob.Carcass wrote: »Of course it can work Joya, but it all depends on wheter or not you want it to. I personally don't like very young women 17-25ish going out with older men by older i mean 5+ yrs age gap or so, i just don't like it, i think the woman is very vunlerable in that situation. Call it sexist or whatever you like it is just how i feel.
For a woman in her thirties to go out with a man in his twenties is perfectly fine and TBH seeing you with a young man walking down the street well i wouldn't bat an eyelid why would i??? You shouldn't need others approval anyway. If you like it, it makes you happy and it is legal then do it!!
For me personally (early 20's) i couldn't have a relationship with say a 38 year old because i would want children later on in life and that is really the only thing stopping me. Would i have sexual relations with a woman that age, of course would have a "fling" or "fck buddy type thing" yes, but once feelings are involved it would be too difficult considering the stages of life and desired outcomes we share would be so different.
yes, i kind of got that from people who responded.
and i see it better now, i'd also agree that when emotional involvement is included, it can be a messy ending.. so its a question then ''the older woman'' would have to answer, is it worth it, and is she ready to "pay the price" eventually0 -
Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,098 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 59027
so would you presume all women in your life who are behaving friendly towards you have hots for you? would be going around and ask every woman who is your friend if she has hots for you?perhaps it comes to the question of can man and woman be friends. i believe they can.well how many friends do you have. i have to say i do not have many but few.yes, right. as of me someone has to do lots for me to strike that person through on my list,however i did it few times in my life, last time with my ex bf for example.so i better be sitting home and going nowhere, is that what you're saying.okay. i wish to believe the topic is ALSO about all people who find themselves in this kind of situation. i don't think it is that rare, i think it happens quite often to others too.i would not call anyone a moron. its disrespectful.
this man divorced 6 years ago so before he met me. he is a surgeon in a very respected hospital in Dublin, working on many papers and researches etc, flying around the world to conferences and doing very respectable work.
Oh yes IMHO = In My Humble Opinion.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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Eh no. Though it's pretty easy to tell if they do. They act differently to actual friends. More than that even if I missed it and they told me like your male friends did I'd know then.
so there was a young girl in primary school, she went to same class for about 5 years, so since she was 8 till 13.. she was the best in class eg school and very successful, when modules and marks were in question.. she had lots of male friends and she preferred to hang out with them playing on a field, rather than with the girls as she was finding girlish games quite boring, except for some. she had two best female friends though. however she was feeling very lonely inside ..
anyway, one evening when she was about 12, one of the boys went to walk with her around the block, told her he wants to tell her something. so they were walking slowly and the boy was smiling and laughing and trying to say something, but he could not. she was trying to guess what is that about but all her attempts were wrong..
few years have passed and she met the boy again when they were both about 17, 18 years old, because they went to different secondary schools and life parted them. however they sat that afternoon on one big stone in front of the building, and he asked her.. do you remember that evening when we were walking.. she vaguely remembered and confirmed.. he asked so do you know what was i trying to tell you. she said no. and he said, well, i was trying to tell you how much i like you, almost all guys in the class were kind-of in love with you... she was stunned., she had no idea.. she laughed but.. she was sincerely shocked as while in that primary school she thought that she is the last on anybody's list when that was in question and considered herself unattractive in that way....
you'd think she'd learn since then, wouldn't u...Oh yes IMHO = In My Humble Opinion.
thank you0 -
I had always thought IMHO meant "in my honest opinion".0
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,098 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 59027
Bob.Carcass wrote: »You don't know the person in question so it is quite naive of you to call him a moron.As for Joya "craving validation" wake up, if she wanted validation why would she be upset over this issue and y would she bring it up on a forum???Bob.Carcass wrote: »I personally don't like very young women 17-25ish going out with older men by older i mean 5+ yrs age gap or so, i just don't like it, i think the woman is very vunlerable in that situation. Call it sexist or whatever you like it is just how i feel.
For a woman in her thirties to go out with a man in his twenties is perfectly fine
Romantically naive men can be extremely vulnerable to emotional manipulation, or spinning a romantic lie in their own heads even without any manipulation. Never mind young men, take the OP's examples of some of the men in her life on board. In one case you have an otherwise scarily intelligent and accomplished individual, a leader in his field, who is waiting around in the limbo, rather the purgatory of "unrequited love" for five years and still thinks he has a chance and he's been directly told he hasn't. Eh... A more emotionally and romantically mature man(or woman) would have given that up as a dead loss years ago and moved on.Joya wrote:you'd think she'd learn since then, wouldn't u...
In any event that's not in play with the men now. You know how they feel and yet...thank youMacavity wrote:I had always thought IMHO meant "in my honest opinion".Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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You've pretty much answered your own question BC and you and a couple of the other lads are jumping in to keep the supply lines open as we speak. Read back through the thread and have a read between the lines. I'll bet the farm many of the women reading are seeing it. The relationships equivalent of the "friend" who comes out with "oh I can eat whatever I like and never gain a pound. I wish I could be more curvy like you" *does a petite body twirl*.In any event that's not in play with the men now. You know how they feel and yet...
so you hang out with some people for a year or two you hear their stories about this and that and you connect isn't it, start to care about them and how they are, see them in ups and downs and the other way around, and so then when they come out with this you just say aw sorry, that's not acceptable, goodbye?
it sounds quite a butchery approach to me0 -
i wish i can understand this paragraph. is it in english? :unsure: : )
yes and yet what?
so you hang out with some people for a year or two you hear their stories about this and that and you connect isn't it, start to care about them and how they are, see them in ups and downs and the other way around, and so then when they come out with this you just say aw sorry, that's not acceptable, goodbye?
it sounds quite a butchery approach to me
It's very simple, cut contact with these men who you know are harbouring some form of "romantic" feelinks for you. If you actually care about them that's the best thing you should do for them, while telling them to cop on.0 -
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You've pretty much answered your own question BC and you and a couple of the other lads are jumping in to keep the supply lines open as we speak. Read back through the thread and have a read between the lines. I'll bet the farm many of the women reading are seeing it. The relationships equivalent of the "friend" who comes out with "oh I can eat whatever I like and never gain a pound. I wish I could be more curvy like you" *does a petite body twirl*.
I know I'm probably one of the younger men you're referring to but I'm taking a pretty light-hearted approach to the thread, so not too much should be read in to anything I've said. I do however think you're being a bit harsh on the girl, I mean if the situation she describes is true then it's a worthwhile topic of conversation.
I feel that perhaps you have some preformed opinions that are colouring your view a little here, but on the other hand, maybe I'm just not old enough to be as cynical as you yet.0
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