The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley · 21-06-2014 02:59PM

My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

24-06-2014 07:34AM

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde. 'He has a licker license!

jonnybegood · 24-06-2014 01:29PM

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without
missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great . . . that's just great . . . Some asshole's got my pen!'

banjobongo · 24-06-2014 01:29PM

What’s the difference between the England Soccer team and a teabag? A teabag stays in the Cup longer…….

jonnybegood · 24-06-2014 01:43PM

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker ( who's blonde ) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker ( the blonde ) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark

Capt'n Midnight · 24-06-2014 11:59PM

I've used up all my sick days, so now I have to ring in dead.

25-06-2014 12:05AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I've used up all my sick days, so now I have to ring in dead.

A dead ringer. :pac:

steddyeddy · 25-06-2014 12:05AM

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

Capt'n Midnight · 25-06-2014 01:34AM

Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"

..wait for it...

wait for it.....

.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly, " But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless camponologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs...... "What as happened? Who is this man?" they cried. " I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........

wait for it.......

wait for it

wait for it

........." I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

john the one · 25-06-2014 01:42AM

I heard a joke the other day about a German sausage

It was the wurst

chughes · 25-06-2014 09:33PM

As part of a rebuilding process after the lacklustre World Cup performances, the England football team will play a friendly against Iceland.

If this goes well, further matches will be played against Tesco and Sainsbury's.

BeerSteakBirds · 25-06-2014 10:58PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"

..wait for it...

wait for it.....

.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly, " But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless camponologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs...... "What as happened? Who is this man?" they cried. " I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........

wait for it.......

wait for it

wait for it

........." I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Thats like the best joke ever !

loremolis · 26-06-2014 07:11AM

BeerSteakBirds wrote: »

Thats like the best joke ever !

Stop quoting jokes just to criticise them.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-06-2014 05:00PM

BeerSteakBirds wrote: »

Thats like the best joke ever !

It does bare a passing resemblance to the best joke ever.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-06-2014 05:01PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

rolliepoley · 27-06-2014 12:31AM

I think I've been eating too much salmon, I've just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-06-2014 12:28AM

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

Capt'n Midnight · 30-06-2014 11:10PM

# Breaking News#

Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the England team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday.
They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.

talla10 · 30-06-2014 11:18PM

During their brief stint in Brazil the England team visited many orphanages near their base. 'Its awful seeing them in such desparate circumstances with no hope for the future' said an orphan

Bigus · 30-06-2014 11:29PM

Deleted User wrote: »

A young Chinese couple, working in the same restaurant, get married.
He's a chef, she a waitress.
She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request).
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..
"You want... Garlic Chicken with Corrifrowa?"

And I always thought that number 69 in a Chinese was always

" Tu can chew "

johnnyrotten · 30-06-2014 11:47PM

Why are the people living opposite Glasnevin cemetery not allowed to be buried there?

Because they're not dead yet!

Maphisto · 03-07-2014 12:28PM

THE OLDER WOMAN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked..
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

Rough Sleeper · 03-07-2014 01:43PM

The 2 Garth Brooks gigs getting cancelled is one of the funniest things I've heard this year.

gramar · 03-07-2014 01:49PM

Rough Sleeper wrote: »

The 2 Garth Brooks gigs getting cancelled is one of the funniest things I've heard this year.

Hold onto your ribs...they might all be cancelled!

Gloomtastic! · 03-07-2014 02:42PM

gramar wrote: »

Hold onto your ribs...they might all be cancelled!

Nah, they'll switch them all to the Aviva. Too much money at stake...:rolleyes:

tayto lover · 03-07-2014 02:44PM

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Nah, they'll switch them all to the Aviva. Too much money at stake...:rolleyes:

The Aviva can't hold the same size of crowd though so would have to put on extra nights and Brooks might not be available.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-07-2014 01:55AM

Keats and Chapman once lived near a church. There was a heavy debt on it. The pastor made many efforts to clear the debt by promoting whist drives and raffles and the like, but was making little headway.

He then heard of the popularity of these carnivals where you have swing-boats and round-abouts and fruit-machines and la boule and shooting galleries and every modern convenience. He thought to entertain the town with a week of this and hoped to make some money to reduce the debt.

He hired one of these outfits but with his diminutive financial status he could only induce a very third-rate company to come. All their machinery was old and broken. On the opening day, as the steam organ blared forth, the heavens opened and disgorged sheets of icy rain. The scene, with its drenched and tawdry trappings, assumed the gaiety of a morgue. Keats and Chapman waded from stall to stall, soaked and disconsolate.

Chapman (unwisely, perhaps) asked the poet what he thought of the fiesta. ‘A fête worse than debt,’ Keats said.

Chapman collapsed into a trough of mud.

Flann O’Brien.

Curly Judge · 05-07-2014 02:22AM

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish."I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."

"Mmmm..." I said, "I want to die when England wins the World Cup again."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

rolliepoley · 05-07-2014 12:57PM

Garth Brooks: "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

:pac:

Curly Judge · 06-07-2014 12:41AM

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction!!!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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