Kids at Weddings - how to avoid?

efb · 08-04-2014 10:33AM

It's the couple getting married day

08-04-2014 10:41AM

hoodwinked wrote: »

,

but because it's "the brides day" she can do what she wants right?

Yes - if the bride is like me and hates children except my own. I didn't save hard and go without for two years to pay for a wedding to invite guests I didn't want

Flippyfloppy · 08-04-2014 10:57AM

hoodwinked wrote: »

i think Doom has a point though,

As for Doom, he clearly has pre-conceived notions that his sister is 'anal' , and even though he 'thinks' she's not inviting children because of all the nieces and nephews on the other side, he still has issues respecting her wishes. Clearly big family issues there already clouding his judgement.

Gatica · 08-04-2014 11:16AM

Milly33 wrote: »

How are you a mod with a comment like that.. You cant forget they are kids and peoples most precious no matter if they are little ****s or not.

I don't get how the mod's comment had anything to do with being a mod??

Gatica · 08-04-2014 11:20AM

Toots* wrote: »

put the individual names on them "we request the pleasure of the company of John and Mary" then they included the little RSVP cards which said something like "we have reserved two places in your honour, please let us know if you will be able to attend"

That's a really nice way to get the message across!

CNTRLR · 08-04-2014 11:25AM

getting married in 2 weeks, my brothers have 6 kids ranging from 1-8, the 2 youngest (1 and 2) are allowed to the ceremony and just after for the pictures but they will then be taken by a babysitter for the rest of the evening, this was in mutual agreement of my brothers and their wives etc, as they will have a bit of a rest from the kids too, but they were told that their other kids are welcome as long as they are well behaved. But my brothers do understand that late night, with a band and alcohol is no place for kids, its not nice for adults around them and its not nice for the kids to fall asleep on chairs etc just to the parents can have a few more drinks...

Neyite · 08-04-2014 11:39AM

At my wedding I think a balance will be struck - Children attending the ceremony and the dinner, but off to a babysitter after that so that adults can take the night off and enjoy themselves. The children in our family - including my own, I'd like there as part of the day, but at bedtime, its bedtime so off they go.

Gatica · 08-04-2014 11:44AM

Toots* wrote: »

An aunt and uncle of my husband's rang my father in law to see could they bring their kids to our wedding (their kids weren't invited) because they never went anywhere without them. The 'kids' were 17 and 19 at the time.

if I were the teen, I'd have been mortified if my parents were going around telling people they couldn't leave us behind... how incapable do these parents think their "kids" are?

BenThere wrote: »

Depends whether you want your wedding to be a true family wedding or not. Kids, particularly nephews and nieces are an important part of the family. It's your wedding so you are entitled to have it however you want. You might enjoy it more with no kids there but would your guests enjoy it less without their children there?

I know few people who'd enjoy a wedding less because their kids weren't there, in fact the opposite. Even when the kids have been invited, the parents had left them behind for most of the weddings I'd been to, including ours. We invited younger cousins, but the uncle & his wife decided to only bring the older 2 and leave the other 3 behind. Up to them, I guess it was easier for them not to worry about entertaining 3 young kids.
It's a bit catty to be saying then to a couple to think whether they'd want the wedding to be a "true family event". It's still a true family event if the family they want to be there is there.

BenThere wrote: »

Personally I love big family (kids and all) weddings as it is a shared experience which lasts in everyone's memory forever. I've been to family weddings where my kids were invited and they were fantastic days which the kids still have memories of and I've also been to weddings which were adult only and had a great time at them but it was a very different type of atmosphere. I think kids bring an element of fun to what can sometimes become the pursuit of a perfect day!!

Kids were great craic at any weddings I've been to that had them. I'm sure it's a nice memory for the kids as well if it all works out. Having said that, I wouldn't enjoy myself any less if they're not there and while I never went to weddings when I was younger, can't say I feel deprived. It's up to a couple to invite who they want and decide whether kids or certain kids should be there (up to the parents whether they want to actually bring them) or not.

Doom wrote: »

My sister has decided to not allow children at her wedding, I have to say I'm pissed off with her, as there is only my kids on our side of the family.
My kids will be 15 and 9yrs when the wedding is on, I think she's doing this because on her boyfriends side there are lots of small kids, mostly under 5yrs.
It will really insult my kids when I tell them, to be honest I'm thinking of not going.

It's your every right to decline because your 9 and 15 year olds cannot look after themselves for the evening. I'm sure your sister will understand this if you explain it to her.

hoodwinked wrote: »

i think Doom has a point though, it seems the aspect of "children at a wedding" people want to avoid is the running around, screaming and falling asleep on chairs, a 15 year old and a 9 year old are hardly going to be doing that.

It may be mean to those kids who are obviously old enough to behave, but maybe it's something the sister and her partner discussed and it would've seemed unfair to his side of the family if the "kids" from her side of the family could go but theirs couldn't?

hoodwinked wrote: »

its a family event, and to exclude certain members of that family for whatever reasons is disgraceful, to call someone selfish for standing up for those excluded members is worse

How is it disgraceful?? I think the B&G have every right to exclude any member of their family they don't want there. Why invite cousins you've never met or uncles you never see, or maybe not even like?

hoodwinked wrote: »

some are well behaved and their parents may want them included in family events. why give another family member who is not their parent the right to ban them from a family event?

Well, the person organising the party is the host and being the hosts of the event gives them the right to exclude (not ban, just not invite, as has been already pointed out) and not pay for (cos it costs money) anyone they want, family or not, but in this case kids.

hoodwinked wrote: »

excluding only two people, or worse one, is exclusion would everyone agree the brides mother should not be allowed go because she's too old? or the grooms mother because she might insult the bride? where do you draw the line?

The B&G draw the line. Anywhere they want. In most cases though couples do try to be fair in the way they make their selection or decision.

hoodwinked wrote: »

if it was a cousins birthday party (another family event) and all the children hung out together day in day out and all were invited but not your one, you would be up in arms at the exclusion

The word "exclusion" seems to be the main gist of the post... I may have misunderstood Doom's post, but I think her children are not being invited the same as the kids from the other side, and the decision to "exclude" all kids was because of the other side having very young kids. I don't think they included one side's kids and excluded Doom's. Unfair to older kids maybe, but at least fair across the board.

ElleEm · 08-04-2014 11:58AM

hoodwinked wrote: »

i think Doom has a point though, it seems the aspect of "children at a wedding" people want to avoid is the running around, screaming and falling asleep on chairs, a 15 year old and a 9 year old are hardly going to be doing that.

i think on this issue a lot of people seem to hide behind "it's the brides day she can do what she wants" when the truth is the day is for the bride AND groom to celebrate their union in front of family and friends,

its a family event, and to exclude certain members of that family for whatever reasons is disgraceful, to call someone selfish for standing up for those excluded members is worse, excluding only two people, or worse one, is exclusion would everyone agree the brides mother should not be allowed go because she's too old? or the grooms mother because she might insult the bride? where do you draw the line? also why imply "all children act the same" they don't, some are well behaved and their parents may want them included in family events. why give another family member who is not their parent the right to ban them from a family event?

if it was a cousins birthday party (another family event) and all the children hung out together day in day out and all were invited but not your one, you would be up in arms at the exclusion,

but because it's "the brides day" she can do what she wants right?

I focused on the bride- to- be as she is the poster's sister. He did not mention her husband- to- be, and the further issue about the sister being anal suggests that there are other issues within their relationship.

An all out "adult only" wedding can often be easier than hand picking which children you feel are old enough or well behaved enough to attend, as that is likely to create more issues.

As mentioned earlier, it is a day to celebrate the union of two people- THEY get to choose who to invite to their wedding. Doing a blanket "no kids" is obviously what they are choosing- because they can. I am sure the poster has gone to parties before without their children, yet they have decided that their kids SHOULD be invited to this party, and they are threatening a strop. It is ridiculous.

AnCatDubh · 08-04-2014 12:35PM

ElleEm wrote: »

You could also include a little note on the invites saying that "unfortunately the venue is not suitable for children" to combat those parents who think the kids are automatically invited.

Jeepers, don't start off in your married life together by making up excuses or you'll be doing it for the rest of your life - and, then you have to deal with aunty maud who will take exception to this, ring the venue only to be told of course the place is suitable for children. Boom!

If this is what you have both decided is right for your wedding then on your invitation, specify who is being invited - "You and your beloved request the pleasure of the company of Mary and Bob", or "You and your beloved request the pleasure of the company of Mick and Johnny". Period. Then be prepared to field any questions - there'll probably be a few but unlikely to be too many. The dialogue will probably go as follows:

Q - Can we bring our children with us? We never go anywhere without them.
A - Unfortunately No, that's not in the plans for our day.
Follow on Q - Ooh, Why not?
A - Because that is not what we wanted or planned for our day.

Meh - some mightn't even turn up on the day in protest (does that worry you?)

The only ones then to perhaps tip off in advance would be your beloved's parents as they themselves may come in for some stick with all the children being on their side.

If your question here really is - is there a way to not invite children of family guests at your wedding and absolutely not p$$s off those family members with children, then I think the answer is no. Some will be annoyed. Very few may protest. Others will understand and will be fine with it. Kinda depends on the type of family too and it's not a one size fits all.

Welcome to being married into a family

heroics · 08-04-2014 12:38PM

I think weddings are not the place for kids. We are not inviting any kids to the wedding except for the page boy and his grandparents are taking him home straight after the meal. We did get some grief from one of the aunts on my partners side who said they couldn't go if the kids were not invited. We just said if that was the way they felt then that was fine. obviously we would like them there but if they were unable to organise a babysitter we would understand. funny thing is they are both coming now and it hasn't been mentioned again.

We also had the opposite form other relatives saying it was great that there were no kids invited as they could enjoy themselves without worrying about what the kids were doing.

At the end of the day it is up to the couple to decide who they invite or don't invite. If you dont want the kids at the wedding then don't invite them. If the parents say they cant go because you are being selfish or whatever turn it back on them and tell them they are being selfish for not respecting your wishes.

OldNotWIse · 08-04-2014 12:42PM

mcbert wrote: »

I've never heard of banning kids from weddings. I can understand how you dont want mad kids spoiling your day, but its often not so easy for parents to just offload their kids, for all sorts of reasons. So you might find that some of the parents don't or cant go either, and to be honest, if I saw 'no kids' on an invitation, id look on it in the same vein as my parter not being invited - bordering on rude. Yeah, a babysitter is a great idea.

Its not banning them its just not inviting them because the day belongs to OP and her partner and if they dont want kids there its their choice. Knowing this in advance will alllow parents to organise a babysitter for their kids - its not offloading, and its something I am sure they can do when its really necessary. If someone didnt want to come to my wedding because they would prefer to go against my wishes rather than extricate themselves from their progeny for 8 hours I'd say good luck and all that and dont really give a sh1t tbh

stinkle · 08-04-2014 12:51PM

we've had people assume the kids arent invited, which is great! I mean assume, as in they talked about logistics of childcare and looking forward to a night away from the children prior to invitations going out. This is all on OH's side though, and our friends. We posted invites last week and I'm waiting to see how those on my side react.

We deliberately bought a small number of RSVP cards and gave them to older relatives and those with kids. We wrote their names on the RSVP card and had a line saying ___ of _2*_ can attend (*or however many were on that invite). I literally have to spell it out to some of my family that their kids aren't automatically invited to everything, if it sounds cheeky well I'm fighting fire with fire there!

I'm on record saying this before, but the loudest complainers about this are cousins who are a good bit older than us and who themselves had "no kids" weddings back in the day, which often meant we wouldnt have been invited. Which is grand but it grates when the same people are utterly mesmerised when we plan a similar day.

Sadderday · 08-04-2014 01:02PM

My OH and I don't have our own children yet but we can't imagine not having children at our wedding.

Children make the day light and special. They always love the aul dancefloor and I can't imagine my day without my niece and nephew there. The OH has a few more children on his side.

Surely, hotels will not charge full whack for childrens meals anyway.

I've been to a wedding where there was a small room adjacent to the venue that had toys and kids tv even blankets if the children got very tired and was actually supervised by a hotel staff member or hotel babysitter. The parents were less than 10 seconds away and could check in at any time and children could freely drop back over to the parents.

Seemed like it worked very well

Gatica · 08-04-2014 01:05PM

A question to those who are parents: is there anyone out there who has NEVER hired a babysitter or had family/grandparents look after kids for a day or an evening?

I'm just wondering whether someone who maybe never had done it before, is maybe not about to do it to attend a wedding.
Though I'm pretty certain over 90% of parents have at least once got someone to look after their children while they were away from home for whatever reason. Hence, can't then these same parents (and I'm not saying they all protest this, but I'm guessing some do) not get someone to look after their children for the day or evening?
It doesn't have to be 10am til 2am the following day. It's perfectly ok to just attend the marriage ceremony, that's the wedding anyway, maybe throw in time at the pre-dinner reception and do some mingling and chatting, then go home. For bonus, maybe attend dinner too and then leave. If afternoons don't suit, maybe swap it around, miss the wedding and come to dinner and do some late night dancing. I'm sure in most cases it can be done or arranged somehow.

My BIL and his wife brought their baby to our wedding (who was invited) but decided they'd enjoy it more if he didn't stay for all of it. They brought a cousin with them to look after the baby during the ceremony. Baby was out with us between ceremony and dinner and for photos. The cousin took him away again at dinner time.
Another couple left their baby with another friend who had a toddler and a newborn and didn't mind looking after the three of them. They came for the ceremony and dinner. They said their congrats/thanks and goodbyes after dinner around 9 and went home to pick up their boy. Perfectly ok.
I'm not saying that those two things is something that everyone may be in a position to do, just an example. I just think that except for some very very limited circumstances, something can be done, in some shape or form so that those invited who have kids can still attend part of a wedding.

amdublin · 08-04-2014 01:13PM

Last wedding I was at the b had organised separate room for kids with goodie bags with games and pizza and chips. Plus big bottles of tk red lemonade.

She was surprised to see an extra 30 quid on the bill and queried why. Apparently mummy didnt think the red lemonade was good enough and was ordering cokes for her kids everytime she checked on them.

On b&g's tab!!!!!!

08-04-2014 01:16PM

Gatica wrote: »

. I just think that except for some very very limited circumstances, something can be done, in some shape or form so that those invited who have kids can still attend part of a wedding.

That's all very well, but what about people like me, who are getting married and can't stand kids?

stinkle · 08-04-2014 01:19PM

Not every hotel has a spare room to use like that though. Our place is very child-unfriendly as it's a country house type venue, for example. If having children at a wedding is important to a couple then stuff like that will influence where they pick, the same as if there are old or disabled guests.

Do hotels with room setups like that provide them for free or are they extra by the way? A post earlier mentioned a room with DVDs and a Wii - do brides and grooms have to remember to bring a load of stuff like that in the run-up to the wedding?

Pennythoughts · 08-04-2014 01:27PM

I think it's entirely up to the couple in question. It is their day and a wedding with children is a very different type of occasion- in my opinion- to one which is adults only.

We were at our first "child free" wedding last year and I have to say it was absolutely wonderful. The church ceremony was so peaceful with people not having to run in and out with kids& you could actually hear the speeches. But for us the highlight was being able to sit down with some very good friends who are parents and able to have proper catch ups without everyone having to keep an eye on the kids and entertain them. It had a very carefree atmosphere to the day.

I think wording the RSVP with "we have reserved your two seats and would you be delighted if you could attend" is a nice subtle way of limiting attendees to no children but you will have to prepared that some people will be less accepting of that than others.Best of luck!

Milly33 · 08-04-2014 01:39PM

God that is really bad that the mum ordered stuff on the bride and grooms tabs!! Shame on them for that.. A few places we went to visit did have lets say a room attached with a dvd player and tv there that you could use for kids to stay in. It was close enough that you could be there in a few mins if needed.. The wii and dvds are just s suggestion of things you can do..

Gatica · 08-04-2014 01:49PM

Deleted User wrote: »

That's all very well, but what about people like me, who are getting married and can't stand kids?

You don't invite them. I think that has been the main point of the thread.
I think you may have misunderstood my post, I meant that parents should be able to find a way for someone to look after their children, while they attend a childless wedding. Otherwise, well, they just don't attend the wedding I guess.

08-04-2014 02:43PM

Gatica wrote: »

You don't invite them. I think that has been the main point of the thread.
I think you may have misunderstood my post, I meant that parents should be able to find a way for someone to look after their children, while they attend a childless wedding. Otherwise, well, they just don't attend the wedding I guess.

apologies, I took you up wrong, my mistake. You are quite right, if parents wanted to go out for a meal or drinks on a Saturday there is no question that they would leave the kids with some kind of minder. I think because weddings are an all day / night affair parents may want the kids with them seeing as its a long period of time.

hoodwinked · 08-04-2014 03:40PM

freedominacup wrote: »

Yep nailed it in one. Kids have no business at a wedding nor does anyone who tries to impose their wishes regarding how the day should run on the couple. The only exception to this would be where the parents of either half of the couple are making a significant contribution to the costs of the wedding. If you're paying the piper you are entitled to some say in the tune.

and what if they are counting on contributions from guests to recover wedding costs, does that mean as the ones paying the piper the guests who are parents should have a say?

lazygal wrote: »

We excluded or rather didn't include loads of family we're not close to on both sides. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you want them at your wedding, children and adults alike. I wouldn't ask children to any other event involving a late night and alcohol.

i am not on about family you are not close to though, i am on about the case where nieces and nephews attend all family events and suddenly are dumped because its a childless wedding,and to be fair most irish events include alcohol and late nights (even Christmas), but we always take our daughter home when she is ready to go or tired, and always have one sober parent at all times with her (it's a thing we do at all family events we go to with her)

Neyite wrote: »

At my wedding I think a balance will be struck - Children attending the ceremony and the dinner, but off to a babysitter after that so that adults can take the night off and enjoy themselves. The children in our family - including my own, I'd like there as part of the day, but at bedtime, its bedtime so off they go.

that is the best post i think i have read so far, its balanced and inclusive while also ensuring all guests have an enjoyable day. no family members excluded.

Gatica wrote: »

You don't invite them. I think that has been the main point of the thread.
I think you may have misunderstood my post, I meant that parents should be able to find a way for someone to look after their children, while they attend a childless wedding. Otherwise, well, they just don't attend the wedding I guess.

but that is what my point was, people were calling doom selfish because they weren't going to attend if their children weren't invited. i was making the point the bride is selfish for excluding certain close family members due to age that would happily attend at other family events.

i think some brides need to remember, all this trouble they cause for one day. they have to spend a lifetime attending family events with these people...

Flippyfloppy · 08-04-2014 03:51PM

hoodwinked wrote: »

i was making the point the bride is selfish for excluding certain close family members due to age that would happily attend at other family events.

i think some brides need to remember, all this trouble they cause for one day. they have to spend a lifetime attending family events with these people...

The topic you're 'on about' is not that much of a big deal. There was plenty of weddings I wasn't invited to as a child in the 80's and 90's so it's not exactly a new fad.

The one wedding I did go to I was a flower girl, 5 years old. All I remember from that day was hunger and boredom during the photos. As soon as we got into the function room I ate every bread roll in sight!

When we were getting married I didn't mind whether kids came or not, so much so I foolishly told an older nephew of course he could come when he asked.... Parents were shocked they had to let him down gently, they wanted to enjoy the day and knew he'd enjoy his day more visiting his nana with his siblings.

My worst experience seeing a child at a wedding was seeing a 10 year old flower girl asleep on the floor at 4am in the residents bar, all sorts going on around her, people doing more than just drinking!

Also, I don't know why you keep going on about the bride?!? Do you honestly think all brides call all the shots and aren't in mutual agreement with their fiances about these things?!

08-04-2014 03:52PM

[QUOTE=hoodwinked;89841483

i think some brides need to remember, all this trouble they cause for one day. they have to spend a lifetime attending family events with these people...[/QUOTE]

Are you actually for real???? you must be one of those people who have kids and suddenly take it as an affront when your little darlings are not invited to gatherings such as these.

lazygal · 08-04-2014 03:54PM

It's not always the bride being demanding. My husband didn't want children at our wedding either. I wouldn't ask nieces and nephews who are young to a birthday in a pub or celebration at night, it's just not how I want to spend my time. If I can't attend a wedding without my children I do not go, I don't give out about the bride's attitude or expect different rules to apply.

hoodwinked · 08-04-2014 03:57PM

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

My worst experience seeing a child at a wedding was seeing a 10 year old flower girl asleep on the floor at 4am in the residents bar, all sorts going on around her, people doing more than just drinking!

Also, I don't know why you keep going on about the bride?!? Do you honestly think all brides call all the shots and aren't in mutual agreement with their fiances about these things?!

that is awful on that poor flower girl, and i get that there are parents out there who just don't care but you cannot say all parents would do that and if they are close family you should know yourself what they'll do.

i guess in my experience its always been the bride calling the shots, in my personal experience the groom himself admitted he wanted his niece there but she said no, so i admit what i posted about came from seeing it from that biased view. apologies to anybody dealing with a groomzilla

lazygal wrote: »

If I can't attend a wedding without my children I do not go, I don't give out about the bride's attitude or expect different rules to apply.

would you agree you are being selfish by not attending because you can't attend without your children? because i disagree with calling people selfish for those reasons like those did doom,

truedoom · 08-04-2014 04:06PM

My brother got married in france, and they have a slightly different method over there which i thought was cool.

A corner of the hall was used as the kid zone. Some games, books, colours and things like that. And a few blow up mattresses for later in the night when the kids wanted to sleep.

Get maybe a flatscreen and a wii or something to keep them happy. That'll keep them all busy while the grown ups have fun.

Weddings are BORING for kids. Best give them something to keep them busy.

runawaybishop · 08-04-2014 04:09PM

A hotel bar is not a place for kids to be at 2am, whether they are invited or not. If people don't want kids at their wedding that is their choice completely. We had no kids at our wedding ourselves. Our friends who had kids all commented on how nice it was to have a night to themselves, no friends with kids declined the invite.

Malari · 08-04-2014 04:09PM

I think the bigger problem would be if you want only certain children at your wedding! I know if we ever got married, the one nibling in the entire family would be invited (and is well behaved), and one friend's child, but I can think of 3 other kids (somewhat related to me) I wouldn't have anywhere near me on most days, let alone a wedding day.

Kids at Weddings - how to avoid?

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