Kids at Weddings - how to avoid?

Glinda

Wow,

This has just clarified something for me - I honestly never thought for a minute that weddings weren't a family thing to some people (obviously quite a few!). It just never occurred to me. I have always taken it for granted that when you marry someone you are forming a family relationship with them, and they are now 'related' to all of you, officially like.

I think this explains the total divide in opinion about kids at weddings - some people believe the wedding is only about the bride and groom and the relationship between the two of them, others believe it's much wider, more of a 'joining of two families' thing.

Hmmm...

So, if it's only about the bride and groom's relationship they should of course party with whoever they feel like to celebrate and not invite anyone that doesn't fit well with that.

If, on the other hand it's a family thing, of course you have to invite all the close family even if they're too old, too young or too daft to be presentable at a party.

cailinardthair

If you don't want the kids there....then dont have them....give plenty of notice to parents so they can organise babysitters.

But if you have no choice

My sister in law is getting married in the summer and is having over 20 kids at hers. She has organised a separate room for the meal as there is no room for them in with us. And a babysitter for the evening.We'l have dvds and games planned so hopefully that will help

Big Bag of Chips

The problem with having other people's children at ANY event, is that you have no control over those children.

Yes most children are capable of being civil human beings (usually the children with parents who have a bit of cop on and consideration for others). But then there are children who are allowed run riot, in a place where running and rioting is not suitable. These children usually have parents who aren't considerate of others. They think because they are in a safe place, big room with lots of people who know them, that they as parents don't really have to keep tabs on them and are free to enjoy their day/night with everyone else keeping an eye on their children.

So... As the OP has said, she has been to family functions where these children have ran riot. So does she invite the civilised children with the responsible parents, and insult the others by telling them they won't keep their children under control during the day so THEIR kids aren't invited because they are incapable of minding them, but others are?

In my experience, it's the parents who have consideration for others, are also the ones who don't mind leaving their children at home. It's the ones with the unruly kids who get the hump at having to try to organise getting the kids minded rather than bringing them along and using the other guests as unpaid babysitters.

One poster has repeatedly said about excluding kids from a wedding who would be invited to other family occassions... Other people who organise other family occassions are entitled to invite whoever they want. But just because my sister has a big party with all kids, cousins etc invited doesn't mean that if I organise a party I then have to have the same guest list. And different events would also mean different guests. I wouldn't invite small kids to a 21st for example, but would consider inviting them to their grandad's 70th. Different situations.

But it all goes back to, if you know that parents are not going to be responsible for their kids then you shouldn't feel the need to invite them. If the parents decide not to attend, or can't attend because their children can't, well then that's fine too.

An invitation to a wedding is just that.. an invitation... Not a summons. Nobody HAS to be there, and nobody HAS to be invited.

I like the "2 seats have been reserved" idea too

Mrs OBumble

cailinardthair wrote: »

My sister in law is getting married in the summer and is having over 20 kids at hers. She has organised a separate room for the meal as there is no room for them in with us. And a babysitter for the evening.We'l have dvds and games planned so hopefully that will help

Depending on the ages of the children, there is no way that a 1:14 adult/child ratio is adequate. (I'm guessing that the teens who would be capable of assisting will not be in the room.)

I'd say 1:8, tops, and 1:3 for under twos.

BabysCoffee

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Depending on the ages of the children, there is no way that a 1:14 adult/child ratio is adequate. (I'm guessing that the teens who would be capable of assisting will not be in the room.)

I'd say 1:8, tops, and 1:3 for under twos.

Yes I have to agree. I think it is negligent of the bride and groom to provide a room for the kids but not to provide adequate care and supervision.

It is a serious undertaking to give assurances to parents that you are going to arrange minders for their children. I would not be doing it lightly.

I also don't think it is appropriate to put the children in a room with films and plates of chicken nuggets and chips. This is not "minding".

stinkle

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Yes I have to agree. I think it is negligent of the bride and groom to provide a room for the kids but not to provide adequate care and supervision.

It is a serious undertaking to give assurances to parents that you are going to arrange minders for their children. I would not be doing it lightly.

I also don't think it is appropriate to put the children in a room with films and plates of chicken nuggets and chips. This is not "minding".

I completely agree that childminding is something to take v seriously. Im not having a go at your post in particular, ii justvdawned on me whether the issue of minding at kid friendly weddings is becoming another thing to moan about the bride and groom? It sounds like they can't win sometimes - don't invite kids, get grief; do invite them and organise elaborate stuff, get criticised that its not up to standard.

If its not up to standard leave them behind with a sitter who is, or decline the invite. Or maybe take responsibility and organise a parents rota to sit in with them. couples have lots to be doing in the run up to the big day without dealing with those kinds of issues, especially if they have good intentions re:inviting kids.

Sala

Plenty of people can't afford invite everyone's kids. I can't afford all cousins etc. We have a no kids rule kind of, although I may have a baby or two that can't be left behind.

BabysCoffee

stinkle wrote: »

I completely agree that childminding is something to take v seriously. Im not having a go at your post in particular, ii justvdawned on me whether the issue of minding at kid friendly weddings is becoming another thing to moan about the bride and groom? It sounds like they can't win sometimes - don't invite kids, get grief; do invite them and organise elaborate stuff, get criticised that its not up to standard.

If its not up to standard leave them behind with a sitter who is, or decline the invite. Or maybe take responsibility and organise a parents rota to sit in with them. couples have lots to be doing in the run up to the big day without dealing with those kinds of issues, especially if they have good intentions re:inviting kids.

They are all fair points.

My point is that it is a serious undertaking to say you will provide childcare for kids at a wedding. As someone above pointed out you would need to have the correct ratio of minders to children.

Hiring a company to provide that care is probably the way to go. "Little Wedding Crechers" springs to mind

stinkle

Surely venues take that sort of thing seriously anyway though? We've just gotten an email from ours asking for names of external suppliers like photographers, band etc and we have to confirm that they have public liability insurance. So external professsional babysitters sourced by B&G fit into that category. Hotel-affiliated sitters should be similar and they would hopefully not assign only 1 sitter to loads of kids.

My bugbear is when couples go out of their way to accommodate families (at great expense by the sounds of things) and people still complain. If the provided childcare isn't up to scratch then take responsibility for your own children, as happens for the other 364 days a year. If there are too many kids and not enough adults then remove your own kids from the situation or roll up your sleeves and help out along with other parents. A 20-30 minute minding rota isnt going to spoil anyones day. Free childcare at an event doesn't absolve anyone from looking after their own offspring.

Toots

From the bride & groom's POV, I'd be slow to arrange childcare for all the kids if it was a case of 15-20 kids all in a room with one sitter, some food, and DVDs. In my view, by telling guests "we've arranged childcare/babysitter" could be seen as an implied assurance that the childcare was of a proper standard. I wouldn't leave my kid with any babysitter who I hadn't hired personally because I wouldn't know them, but some parents might be happy to leave the kids with the babysitter the B&G provide if they thought that the person had proper qualifications, references, etc.

No matter how experienced the one sitter is, they'd need eyes in the back and both sides of their head to even have a hope of keeping an eye on them all. Also someone who was watching young children would need to be trained in first aid at the very least (what if a kid falls and cuts themselves, or worse starts choking on something)

My worry would be that if something did happen, would the parents blame the bride and groom? I'm not going to go into whether they'd be right or wrong in doing that, but IMO the bride and groom would be leaving themselves open to a lot of trouble if something did happen. I know I might sound paranoid here, but it's not beyond possibility. I was at a wedding a few years ago where one guest at the afters claimed that he'd slipped on a cocktail sausage that was on the dancefloor (seriously, I'm not joking) and he tried to sue the hotel. It went to court and judge found in favour of the hotel, so then he tried to sue the B&G!!!

Ann Landers

Toots* wrote: »

I know I might sound paranoid here, but it's not beyond possibility. I was at a wedding a few years ago where one guest at the afters claimed that he'd slipped on a cocktail sausage that was on the dancefloor (seriously, I'm not joking) and he tried to sue the hotel. It went to court and judge found in favour of the hotel, so then he tried to sue the B&G!!!

Did he even hurt himself that badly?

mrsbyrne

My aunt successfully sued the hotel where my brother had his wedding reception 25 years ago. Back to the childcare, don't arrange any, totally unnecessary. If you don't want rugrats tearing around your reception and party then just don't invite them. I can't understand all the fuss.

BabysCoffee

mrsbyrne wrote: »

My aunt successfully sued the hotel where my brother had his wedding reception 25 years ago. Back to the childcare, don't arrange any, totally unnecessary. If you don't want rugrats tearing around your reception and party then just don't invite them. I can't understand all the fuss.

Why did she sue the hotel? And was it relating to something that happened at your brothers wedding?

lazygal

I've heard of guests ordering room service and landing the bride and groom with the bill so Lord knows what babysitting shenanigans would entail.

Toots

Ann Landers wrote: »

Did he even hurt himself that badly?

Oh he hurt himself alright, but that happened when he was walking towards a taxi rank, stinking drunk at about 4am. The sausage on the dancefloor was a work of fiction!

Lambofdave

This thread just goes to show that weddings are a total pain in the backside for some B&G and some Guests also its a means for parents to get away from the kids to let down their hair and drink.

I only went to three weddings as a child and I only enjoyed one, people forget that some kids would rather themselves not to go.

Ann Landers

Toots* wrote: »

Oh he hurt himself alright, but that happened when he was walking towards a taxi rank, stinking drunk at about 4am. The sausage on the dancefloor was a work of fiction!

What a fookin' eejit! Wasting that money trying to sue the hotel, then spending even more to sue the B&G! Was he successful?

mrsbyrne

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Why did she sue the hotel? And was it relating to something that happened at your brothers wedding?

Oh sorry, yeah she says she slipped on spilled drink on the dancefloor and hurt her knee. She created a terrible stink and had to be carried out by staff in a fireman's lift and she's no Kate Moss. The Hotels insurance settled up fairly easily as I recall. It was before the "compo culture" really kicked in in Ireland. I think they would probably challenge her a bit more now. She has mild mental health issues and would have a history of litigation. We all pretty much ignored the whole thing at the time.

lulu1

I know its everyons own choice who they want to invite to their wedding but where in our family there would be no questions asked the nieces and nephews would be invited it is just the done thing. How about having a table for the kids and an adult to supervise, it wouldnt cost alot kids would be happy with sausages and chips and ice cream for afters. It might save a whole lot of hassle with the inlaws, you dont want to start off your married life with bad feeling

amdublin

lulu1 wrote: »

I know its everyons own choice who they want to invite to their wedding but where in our family there would be no questions asked the nieces and nephews would be invited it is just the done thing. How about having a table for the kids and an adult to supervise, it wouldnt cost alot kids would be happy with sausages and chips and ice cream for afters. It might save a whole lot of hassle with the inlaws, you dont want to start off your married life with bad feeling

Yeah the problem is that sounds like a nightmare to some people (me!)

lazygal

lulu1 wrote: »

I know its everyons own choice who they want to invite to their wedding but where in our family there would be no questions asked the nieces and nephews would be invited it is just the done thing. How about having a table for the kids and an adult to supervise, it wouldnt cost alot kids would be happy with sausages and chips and ice cream for afters. It might save a whole lot of hassle with the inlaws, you dont want to start off your married life with bad feeling

On the other hand you don't want to give in on this and then you're seen as a pushover who'll give in for a quiet life. I don't bring my children to weddings, but if I did sausage, chips and ice cream wouldn't be a proper meal for them. There's some occasions, such as weddings, where children don't have to be included. We've a family occasion coming up soon and our children or their cousins haven't been asked. No one is put out, the hosts are the ones doing the inviting, and we've organised babysitting. If we couldn't get babysitting one of us would go.

mrsbyrne

lulu1 wrote: »

I know its everyons own choice who they want to invite to their wedding but where in our family there would be no questions asked the nieces and nephews would be invited it is just the done thing. How about having a table for the kids and an adult to supervise, it wouldnt cost alot kids would be happy with sausages and chips and ice cream for afters. It might save a whole lot of hassle with the inlaws, you dont want to start off your married life with bad feeling

IWhen one of the kids needs the toilet who will bring them? While the adult minder has taken that child to the toilet queued for the toilet waited washed hands et. who will supervise the kids table.
The kids will be finished eating in tops 1/2 hour. Then most kids want to go back to mammy who hasn't had her starter yet but has had 2 glasses of house wine. Mammy takes baby back to the supervised kids table but baby decides to go for a run around the tables making fire engine noises and mammy holds her hands up and says "Meh!"She returns to her wine and start a fight with her husband over whose job it is to mind baby.
Meanwhile 8 kids under 6 are now running around the tables like fire engines because the well behaved kids who were going to sit quietly while mam and dad enjoyed their food have quite rightly decided that if that little boy is allowed so are we. And so it begins. 8 hours of bedlam.
Now if the bride and groom genuinely aren't bothered by this scenario well please go right ahead and knock yourselves out.
But please don't pretend that the kids can be under the same roof as the reception and be happy and safe and not bother anybody because that's just a crock.

lulu1

I am just saying how we do things in our family nephews and nieces are part of the family and naturally would be very upset not to be invited to their auntie or uncles wedding. I would not be happy planning my wedding knowing i was not going to invite my nephews and nieces who have been part of my life since birth. This is my opinion I am not saying it is right for everyone

mrsbyrne

lulu1 wrote: »

I am just saying how we do things in our family nephews and nieces are part of the family and naturally would be very upset not to be invited to their auntie or uncles wedding. I would not be happy planning my wedding knowing i was not going to invite my nephews and nieces who have been part of my life since birth. This is my opinion I am not saying it is right for everyone

Oh nieces nephews and smallies are part of my family too and have been in my life since birth and for the record I'm married 18 years in September and had a guest list of 17 four of whom were my precious nephews and nieces. But my wedding started at 11 and was over by 3.30.
I do note a slightly critical tone to your post. I presume you are not a parent yet as if you we're you would know that one adult supervising a table load of kids eating chicken nuggets and ice cream would last about 20 minutes. Modern wedding are too too long for kids under 12 . Its almost cruel to make them endure that long day and there's endless possibilities for them to get hurt and have a thoroughly miserable time. When you were 7 or 8 would you have liked to spend 6 or 7 hours in a room being minded by people you don't know watching DVDs while the sun is shining outside? No, ididnt think so.
Look its OK to want all family members there on your big day, but you really should look at it from the kids point of view too.

Flippyfloppy

lulu1 wrote: »

I am just saying how we do things in our family nephews and nieces are part of the family and naturally would be very upset not to be invited to their auntie or uncles wedding. I would not be happy planning my wedding knowing i was not going to invite my nephews and nieces who have been part of my life since birth. This is my opinion I am not saying it is right for everyone

In all honesty, nieces and nephews are part of every family they're a part of.

Just be aware, not everyone will have your view and you may one day be faced with a new in-law that has the opposite view, and they may decide not to invite nieces and nephews on their big day.

Just don't get the hump with them because it's not what your family do. Hosts are rightly allowed invite whomever they like to their party.

lulu1

I am just giving my opinion as to what i would do the children would be invited and it would be up to the parents if they wanted to bring them or not and of coarse if the kids themselves wanted to go. I certainly would'nt force them

BabysCoffee

My view is that children should be getting ready for bed by 8.30pm or so.......and not settling in for a night of watching DVDs in a hotel room off a function room

mrsbyrne

This is where forums like this are beneficial . If you are planning a wedding for example (even if its only in your own head!) you may have some sentimental preconceived ideas in your head about how its going to be and your mam/sister/best friend doesn't want to "burst you bubble"so they just keep schtum and hope for the best . If you float an idea on here you will definitely get honest opinions from across a vast spectrum and you can take them or leave them but some of the posts just might make you think.

mrsbyrne

BabysCoffee wrote: »

My view is that children should be getting ready for bed by 8.30pm or so.......and not settling in for a night of watching DVDs in a hotel room off a function room

...especially kids that have been up since very early and having been totally out of their normal routine and running about hatchet mad on junk food for most of the day. Any wedding I took my daughter to until she was about ten, she and I quietly retired at 7 and I was glad of it.

I know a lot of my friends like to bring their kids to weddings merely to "show them off" that really drives me mental.


You know when you are in a queue at a post office or supermarket and the person in front of you shakes their baby in your face hoping you will complement their little darling - its the same for a lot of people who bring kids to weddings, for show.