The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

02-12-2013 07:51PM

Judge to Prostitute, "When did you realise you were raped?"
Prostitute, "When the cheque bounced!"

rolliepoley · 02-12-2013 11:59PM

The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?" "It's okay with me lady," said the plumber, "as long as you don't splash my sandwiches."

J Cheever Loophole · 03-12-2013 01:22AM

I just bought 8 legs of venison for £50. Would that be too dear?

Busted Flat. · 03-12-2013 01:27AM

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I just bought 8 legs of venison for £50. Would that be too dear?

Must have been a big deer, with eight legs, maybe an articulated deer.

dickwod1 · 03-12-2013 01:33AM

Two dyslexic heating engineers working on a job, One says to the other "Can you smell gas?" the other replies "I cant even smell my own name!"

KKkitty · 03-12-2013 01:33AM

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I just bought 8 legs of venison for £50. Would that be too dear?

Fancied a roast chicken for dinner and I'm telling you one thing that bird was not going cheap.

Healy Rae Permit Holder · 03-12-2013 01:36AM

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fcuk yourself. These are my cookies!"

toastedpickles · 03-12-2013 02:17AM

superman was flying around one day and he seen wonderwoman out naked on top of the justice league hq, so he thinks, hmm i could get in there, have her and be done before she even realizes what happened, so he swoops in, bangs the hole off her and off he goes, in a matter of milliseconds, wonderwoman then goes, what the hell was that, and the invisible man goes, I don't know but my ass hurts like fcuk

FanadMan · 03-12-2013 02:31AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..." The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

As old as the hills but still one of the goodies

Vito Corleone · 03-12-2013 02:44AM

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on do it yourself abortions. The Librarian says, "We had to get rid of it," the man replies "that's the one!"

J Cheever Loophole · 03-12-2013 01:05PM

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Must have been a big deer, with eight legs, maybe an articulated deer.

I'd love to see the look of amazement on your face when you see a KFC box of chicken wings.

yourdeadwright · 03-12-2013 01:51PM

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Must have been a big deer, with eight legs, maybe an articulated deer.

haha u obviously didn't get the joke ,would that be to (2) dear, so 8 legs

Banjo String · 03-12-2013 02:01PM

After a long hot relaxing Bath, Mary got out of the tub to dry herself off. Mid dry, she slipped and landed, legs spread wide On the bathroom floor.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't prise herself off the floor and after five minutes trying, she called out loud to her husband for assistance.

The husband came down to the bathroom to find Mary, doing the splits stuck firmly to the bathroom floor, he grabbed her around the waist and tried with all his might to move her but to no avail. This woman was stuck TIGHT.

Left with no option, the husband decided to call the fire brigade for assistance. Twenty mins latera fire engine arrived with 8 strong firemen inside, they tried in turn, then altogether but still couldn't move poor Mary either.

Then the chief fireman explained to the husband that due to the way may landed, her vagina had formed an airtight vacuum to the bathroom tiles, and she was stuck good and proper.

The husband panicked, "oh no" he said. "Will she have to remain here indefinitely"?

No, not at all said the fireman. We will have to fetch the jackhammer and remove the tiles.

The husband thought hard for a minute, then asked if he could rub his wife's boobs for five minutes?

Shocked, the fireman said no bother. But asked why the man wanted to rub her boobs

"Well" said the husband,

I want to get her horny and wet, then I can slide her down to the kitchen. The tiles down there are much cheaper than these ones.

comewatmay · 03-12-2013 03:38PM

A women is lining up at the till in her local tesco store. A curious man behind her looks into her basket and sees a single half bottle of red wine, chicken curry dinner for one, half slice pan of white bread, small tub of butter and one slice of ham.

He gently taps the lady on the shoulder and asks ' By any chance are you single?'

A big smile from the lady as she replies 'eh yes.......how did you know?'

The man replied 'cause your ****in ugly'

Daqster · 03-12-2013 03:45PM

Man 1: I'm off on holidays with the girlfriend to the Island of reggae and soul food for two long weeks.

Man 2: Jamaica?

Man 1: Nah man, no need. Sure she wants to come.

Sorry. :pac:

Capt'n Midnight · 03-12-2013 08:15PM

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I just bought 8 legs of venison for £50. Would that be too dear?

I have no eye deer

03-12-2013 09:40PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I have no eye deer

Ó Dear!

03-12-2013 10:59PM

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
" I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
" Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?"
"You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
That is aplomb!"

padma · 03-12-2013 11:11PM

^^^^^^ I'm glad we don't have that aristocrat culture anymore in Ireland, imagine we never gained our independence, oh deer

.

Capt'n Midnight · 03-12-2013 11:57PM

What do you call a blind deer ?

I've no eye deer.

Capt'n Midnight · 04-12-2013 12:08AM

When asked their thoughts on Britain's No1 diver announcing that he is gay.....

Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time.

EoghanIRL · 04-12-2013 12:49AM

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all i need .

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business

Dartz · 04-12-2013 01:34PM

Tachyon

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dartz · 04-12-2013 01:34PM

Tachyon

Knock Knock

Who's there?

coolhull · 04-12-2013 06:40PM

Dartz wrote: »

Tachyon

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pardon?

EoghanIRL · 05-12-2013 12:53AM

A photon checks into a hotel and they asked him if they can carry his luggages. He said "No thanks, im travelling light."

chughes · 05-12-2013 11:25AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

A photon checks into a hotel and they asked him if they can carry his luggages. He said "No thanks, im travelling light."

I bet he just couldn't wait to be with his baby tonight......

jimgoose · 05-12-2013 04:07PM

With the December now of course there's a lot of talk about Santy Claus again. I wouldn't have that fella around the place at all, at all. He sneaks into children's rooms in the middle of the night and empties his sack.

EoghanIRL · 06-12-2013 12:49AM

chughes wrote: »

I bet he just couldn't wait to be with his baby tonight......

That's such a Bohr.

EoghanIRL · 06-12-2013 12:50AM

Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done ?

Gingers just don't last in the sun.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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