Surrealistic Ireland.

Call Me Jimmy · 23-11-2013 09:08PM

BeepBeep67 wrote: »

K Barry Grocery, Fancy goods - Ha!

Is that a sex shop in culchee?

rainbowdrop · 23-11-2013 10:45PM

Grayson wrote: »

When my dad died the undertaker was a taxi driver. A few years befor he'd given someone in my family both his business cards when they got a taxi home after a night on the drink. They'd kept them since the same number is on each and you never know when you might need the number of a cab firm.

You just reminded me of another thing actually. I'm sure I posted this before, but my Dad was very ill a few years ago and was in hospital for weeks. When he was finally feeling better, he went into his local pub for a few pints. The pub is also an undertakers. As soon as he saw my father, the owner ran out from behind the bar with a tape measure and pretended to measure him for a coffin.

My father says to the owner 'I'm not ready for the grave just yet', and the owner's reply? 'Sure I don't care, dead or alive, I'm still making money off ya"

Dyr · 23-11-2013 10:49PM

spitfireIRL wrote: »

^ That swan video is the funniest thing I've seen in ages!! Brilliant!

whats best is a swan plant hire trucks drives past

Spangles · 23-11-2013 11:54PM

Driving through Hacketstown recently I saw two young fellas who had just tied a double bed mattress and base on top of an old banger of a car with a bit of rope through the windows (without a roof-rack):eek:. They jumped into the front seats of the car through the open windows Dukes of Hazard style and took off, each with an arm holding it in position while the mattress bounced off the windscreen ! :pac:

mrsdewinter · 24-11-2013 12:17AM

Oranage2 wrote: »

Was in the welcome in on Parnell street Dublin. Got a couple of pints,finished so went to bar but the bar man wasn't there waited a bit but he still wasn't coming back so we left to the Dublin pub next door, the bar man was in there playing the fruit machine.

Wait. I used to drink there: Is he the guy who only opens up for the night if he feels like it?

jimboblep · 24-11-2013 12:24AM

My da told me he was in a pub a few years back when some american tourists asked if they could watch the hurling
The tv was one of those old style ones with forty or so little buttons on the side and was up high behind the bar
The little old lady took out a sweeping brush and hit the right button first time and cool as ya like like turned to the yanks and said " remote control irish style "

LETHAL LADY · 24-11-2013 12:53PM

This happened to me a year ago but I still giggle about it.

Yesterday about 12 noon I was the victim of a drive-by blessing. On my way home from a walk with my son and my mother, our stroll was suddenly interrupted by someone roaring at us from a car across the street. We turned around to find it was the local parish priest shouting at my mother.
"Hey, were you able to make it this morning" he said.
She said "No Father".
He then said "Not to worry I have them in the car". He then jumped out with two F**k off candles.
My mother walked over to him and on a busy street with lots of people passing he blessed her throat.
"Sure come over and we will do you" he then shouted at me.
"Sh**e" I thought to myself.
Now I am not religious or am I rude in public so with much embarrassment I went over to the priest and he crossed two candles around my throat and said a blessing.
Turns out twas St. Blaises Day.

missierex · 25-11-2013 04:13PM

My mother is originally from a little village in Kerry. We were down visiting the relatives a few years ago and decided to head to one of the local pubs.

The pub was essentially a house converted into a bar (a big square room, bar one one side, a pool table, and door leading out the back).

My mother, her brother, and sister-in-law are all smokers so a while into the night, the sister-in-law asks my mam out for a smoke. She says the smoking area is top-class so she asks me to go along too. I follow dutifully. She leads us out through the door at the back of the bar into the hallway. I couldn't believe my eyes! There huddled under the stairs were about 5 people puffing away! :eek:

My Aunt and uncle got a great kick out of our reaction! Top class m'eye!

PhoenixParker · 25-11-2013 11:46PM

The Ceili in Inis Mor in the aran islands.

Step one, go out and get slaughtered drunk til about two in the morning. Include the dishco in the American bar on your travels to ensure a nice few stripes of neon paint. At kicking out time, purchase a few cans on the sly and betake yourself to the local village hall.

No drink allowed inside mind you, but you can hide it under a bush and pop out for regular sips.
Inside, it's basically your local community centre with the half the lights switched off.
There's a ceili band on stage and the "crowd" ranges in age from about 4 years old to 90. (They don't serve drink so everyone is there)
There's a group of people who actually know a few of the sets, there's a group of teenagers who also know the sets from recent visits to Irish college, there's about fifty drunk people who just want to spin each other round as fast as possible and then a few kids generally about the place.

It's this crazy surreal assortment of people, half of whom are slowly sobering up at three o'clock in the morning while two old ladies serve refreshments (tea and biscuits) from a counter in the next room.

This seems to be taken at one such event:

I spent half the next day trying to work out if I had dreamed the whole thing.

reap-a-rat · 26-11-2013 01:05AM

In my home area, one of the most popular party DJs brings along a lamp and a few of those plastic coloured boxes. When the crowd have got into the dancing (well, it doesn't actually matter), he stands up on the table, shines the lamp through one of the boxes and hits the box with a cucumber. He wears a cowboy hat as well.

Seen it so many times at this stage, I take no notice. But I suspect that there would be many a mouth agape if they haplessly wandered into one of those parties off the street.

Also, doesn't matter if it's an 18th or an 80th, it's the same thing and the same playlist. Mad stuff!

Renegade Mechanic · 26-11-2013 08:53AM

The radio lads on Beat 102,103 have spotted this thread and are chatting about it this morning!

colossus-x · 26-11-2013 09:44AM

PhoenixParker wrote: »

The Ceili in Inis Mor in the aran islands.

Step one, go out and get slaughtered drunk til about two in the morning. Include the dishco in the American bar on your travels to ensure a nice few stripes of neon paint. At kicking out time, purchase a few cans on the sly and betake yourself to the local village hall.

No drink allowed inside mind you, but you can hide it under a bush and pop out for regular sips.
Inside, it's basically your local community centre with the half the lights switched off.
There's a ceili band on stage and the "crowd" ranges in age from about 4 years old to 90. (They don't serve drink so everyone is there)
There's a group of people who actually know a few of the sets, there's a group of teenagers who also know the sets from recent visits to Irish college, there's about fifty drunk people who just want to spin each other round as fast as possible and then a few kids generally about the place.

It's this crazy surreal assortment of people, half of whom are slowly sobering up at three o'clock in the morning while two old ladies serve refreshments (tea and biscuits) from a counter in the next room.

This seems to be taken at one such event:

I spent half the next day trying to work out if I had dreamed the whole thing.

I bet you never had such a good time in all your life since you remember it all so precisely.

KKkitty · 26-11-2013 10:12AM

This one family here have a local chipper, pub and undertakers. If their food doesn't kill you, the drink might.

Muckie · 26-11-2013 10:46AM

A mad old chap(going back years before tv) used to wonder from pub to pub with his pet cockerel, which he then got drunk.

Every one used to stand around and have a laugh. He'd be singing and dancing as the bird was spinning around!

Mighty craic!

Il Trap · 26-11-2013 11:20AM

http://www.dundalkdemocrat.ie/news/local-news/final-plans-in-place-for-knockbridge-vintage-fair-1-1980110

Final plans are being put in place for the biggest ever Knockbridge Vintage Day.

The annual day is fast approaching and local people are busy getting ready for what promises to be its biggest day yet.

The list of highlights on the day is endless and indeed all ages will be catered for.

As usual, there will be an extensive display of vintage tractors and cars in the field as well as vintage threshing and a working area for all the machinery enthusiasts.

Throughout the day, numerous demonstrations taking place such as cookery, flower arranging, art and crafts and much more.

There will also be live entertainment provided by local talented musicians and singers with all musical tastes catered for.

Following its tremendous success last year, the popular sheep racing event will be one of the many attractions on the day.

Another exciting event making a return again this year is the dog show and with lots of fantastic prizes up for grabs so be sure to bring your furry friend along.

A spokesperson for the event said: "There are several exciting novel attractions this year, one being a 'Tug-of-War' competition between the local men. Children will be catered for in the fun corner with amusements including bouncing castles, slides, face painting, nail art and many more."

Delicious freshly cooked food and home baking will be served on the day and a charity raffle will be held, the top prize being a Massey Ferguson 135.

Tickets are currently available from any committee member and will also be on sale throughout the day.

'Funland' from Fr Ted instantly springs to mind!

Legs.Eleven · 26-11-2013 11:33AM

Renegade Mechanic wrote: »

The radio lads on Beat 102,103 have spotted this thread and are chatting about it this morning!

*Blushes*

Captain Farrell · 26-11-2013 11:39AM

Il Trap wrote: »

http://www.dundalkdemocrat.ie/news/local-news/final-plans-in-place-for-knockbridge-vintage-fair-1-1980110

Final plans are being put in place for the biggest ever Knockbridge Vintage Day.

The annual day is fast approaching and local people are busy getting ready for what promises to be its biggest day yet.

The list of highlights on the day is endless and indeed all ages will be catered for.

As usual, there will be an extensive display of vintage tractors and cars in the field as well as vintage threshing and a working area for all the machinery enthusiasts.

Throughout the day, numerous demonstrations taking place such as cookery, flower arranging, art and crafts and much more.

There will also be live entertainment provided by local talented musicians and singers with all musical tastes catered for.

Following its tremendous success last year, the popular sheep racing event will be one of the many attractions on the day.

Another exciting event making a return again this year is the dog show and with lots of fantastic prizes up for grabs so be sure to bring your furry friend along.

A spokesperson for the event said: "There are several exciting novel attractions this year, one being a 'Tug-of-War' competition between the local men. Children will be catered for in the fun corner with amusements including bouncing castles, slides, face painting, nail art and many more."

Delicious freshly cooked food and home baking will be served on the day and a charity raffle will be held, the top prize being a Massey Ferguson 135.

Tickets are currently available from any committee member and will also be on sale throughout the day.

'Funland' from Fr Ted instantly springs to mind!

Try Corofin in Clare, next to Kilnaboy where they filmed Fr ted. They have a festival each year that has "The World Stone Throwing Championship" and "Ireland's Best Beard" followed by a parade through the village that consists of a few tractors and the camogie team.

seamus · 26-11-2013 11:49AM

The OP reminds me of a story an American friend told of when he first landed in Dublin, probably 15 years ago now. Got a bus from Dublin Airport and found himself on O'Connell Street. Somehow he managed to find out what bus he needed to take to get to where he was going, and what bus stop he needed to take from O'Connell St to catch the bus.

Seeing nothing more than a Dublin bus sign with a few numbers on it, he rang Dublin Bus HQ to see when the next bus was due. "Are there lots of people standing at the stop?", he was asked by the lady on the phone. "Eh, yeah, I guess". "Ah grand so, there must be one due then".

He said that was one of the things that made him love Ireland; that in the middle of the country's capital city he could still encounter the kind of casual simplicity that you'd normally only find in tiny towns of less than 1,000 people.

Ciaran_B · 26-11-2013 12:00PM

That 'One Direction Vs. The Dubliners featuring Dracula' story is the funniest thing I've ever read on here - worthy of Flann O'Brien. I was laughing at it every time it popped into my head over the weekend.

Legs.Eleven · 26-11-2013 12:11PM

seamus wrote: »

The OP reminds me of a story an American friend told of when he first landed in Dublin, probably 15 years ago now. Got a bus from Dublin Airport and found himself on O'Connell Street. Somehow he managed to find out what bus he needed to take to get to where he was going, and what bus stop he needed to take from O'Connell St to catch the bus.

Seeing nothing more than a Dublin bus sign with a few numbers on it, he rang Dublin Bus HQ to see when the next bus was due. "Are there lots of people standing at the stop?", he was asked by the lady on the phone. "Eh, yeah, I guess". "Ah grand so, there must be one due then".

Yeah I don't think it was the shoddy bus service we have in Ireland but more the fact that people wait patiently for a bus they have no idea will even arrive. Strange coming from a country where things run on time and people get annoyed when a bus is a few minutes late. And the fact that people wait alone in the middle of nowhere. I visited almost every country in South America, for example, and the buses were on time in almost every one.

Legs.Eleven · 26-11-2013 12:11PM

Ciaran_B wrote: »

That 'One Direction Vs. The Dubliners featuring Dracula' story is the funniest thing I've ever read on here - worthy of Flann O'Brien. I was laughing at it every time it popped into my head over the weekend.

This thread has FOB written all over it.

Dartz · 26-11-2013 01:31PM

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Chaos ruled OK in the classroom
as bravely the teacher walked in
the nooligans ignored him
hid voice was lost in the din

"The theme for today is violence
and homework will be set
I'm going to teach you a lesson
one that you'll never forget"

He picked on a boy who was shouting
and throttled him then and there
then garrotted the girl behind him
(the one with grotty hair)

Then sword in hand he hacked his way
between the chattering rows
"First come, first severed" he declared
"fingers, feet or toes"

He threw the sword at a latecomer
it struck with deadly aim
then pulling out a shotgun
he continued with his game

The first blast cleared the backrow
(where those who skive hang out)
they collapsed like rubber dinghies
when the plug's pulled out

"Please may I leave the room sir?"
a trembling vandal enquired
"Of course you may" said teacher
put the gun to his temple and fired

The Head popped a head round the doorway
to see why a din was being made
nodded understandingly
then tossed in a grenade

And when the ammo was well spent
with blood on every chair
Silence shuffled forward
with its hands up in the air

The teacher surveyed the carnage
the dying and the dead
He waggled a finger severely
"Now let that be a lesson" he said

Yet another thing we exported to America....

hefferboi · 26-11-2013 01:53PM

http://youtu.be/tIwpCFIcNAc

On my phone so can't embed it.

"When you're finished make sure and bring the trolley back"

"Don't forget the child"

Fair good haha

26-11-2013 01:59PM

Oh man, I've loads of these - it's the great thing about growing up in Connemara.

When I was in school, the bus home would usually be populated by those aul fellas you would only get in the depths of Connemara. They would regularly offer ya one of the many cans they'd have stashed in their pockets and never an eyebrow was raised. I sit down beside one of these chaps and he offers me a sip. I say no and then he says to me - "cén chaoi a bhfuil tú?". Now, my Irish isn't great but I'm feeling cocky and I'm pretty sure I understood what he said so, rather smugly, I blurt out "- is ainm dom!" This was met with a wry smile and a laugh and then absolute silence. It was only when I got off the bus and home that I realized what had happened.

As it turns out, cén chaoi a bhfuil tú? isn't "what is your name?" but means "how are you?" So pretty much the very-short lived conversation had gone as follows -
"How are you?"
"My name is - !?!"

There was another bus driver who thought it was absolutely hilarious to stop the bus, wait until me and the row of other people queuing are just about to reach the door, drive up a little bit and stop, wait, and when we're about to reach the door, before pulling off again and stopping a little up the road. He did this another 5 times before he eventually let us on.

Another bus driver was known locally to be a bit of a drinker. There was a story that one day while on the way back into Connemara, he pulled up outside one of the pubs in a village, ran in and had a pint before getting back on the bus.

CucaFace · 26-11-2013 02:02PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hhIoXJ_xPU

Classic one from last year on a train from Galway to Dublin.

D1stant · 26-11-2013 02:41PM

smurgen wrote: »

the second is a fight i seen in Cork on the jazz weekend. Me and a couple of friends were drinking outside the Raven on North Main Street , which is a busy junction with alot of traffic, pedestrians and pubs/ chippers. A bunch of youngfellas about 18 ran out of nowhere and started fighting a bunch of fellas in their 60's! I've never seen anything like it..The old fellas all had on beards and cardigans, the youngones were dressed like mannequins out of River Island,it was like one direction fighting the Dubliners.The old fellas absolutley battering them and out of nowhere a guy in a dracula costume ran across the road smoking a fag and took out about 5 people,completley cleared house and the fight just dispersed. It went on for about 5 mins, blocked traffic and all. The way they came from opposite directions and had such hatred for each other, it was like the fight seen out of Anchorman!

I love Boards

maninasia · 26-11-2013 02:45PM

alchemist33 wrote: »

When i was a student in Dublin, I was getting my takeaway (Forte's, Glasnevin) when an old man came in with an empty two litre bottle. The guy behind the counter filled it with vinegar, and the old guy left.

"Vinegar junkie" was all I was told afterwards.

They use the vinegar to 'clean' their works. You can't leave vinegar out in any chip shop in Dublin. He was being kind.

Otherwise that lad sure liked vinegar.

Bazzo · 26-11-2013 02:58PM

cantdecide wrote: »

Was in Galway at the weekend and there was a busker that seemed a little bit too long in the tooth to be hacking away. We quickly realised that he had literally one song- Wonderwall. As we walked around, we heard him sing it, and nothing else, on three different occasions over an hour.

After the final onslaught, we walked up the street and saw a pair of younger but somewhat more seasoned buskers. As we pass by, they finish one well performed number and just as I start to think to myself 'I know that chord progression' they start singing "Today is gonna be the day that....".

'Pinch me', I thought to myself.

PLEASE GOD you never see them again!! Sharing a sweet and tender moment with a stranger is grand. Seeing them every day would eventually become totes awks like

If it's the guy I'm thinking of, and it looks like it is, that busker really only does play Wonderwall. 5 years in Galway mostly living in or around shop street and that's the only song I ever heard him playing. There used to be a woman who only played Wagon Wheel but she seems to have disappeared off the radar.

LorMal · 26-11-2013 03:17PM

My wife tells the story of her one and only Summer holiday as a child in the early 1970's. Ten of them packed into a big old station wagon - 4 adults, six kids (oh.. and 2 dogs!!).
Took them 3 days to drive to Donegal from Wicklow. They stopped in nearly every pub on the way for some 'refreshments' for the adults. At night, the adults slept in B and Bs while the kids slept in the car outside..
On Day 2 on the journey, a rear wheel fell off the car and it took them ages to find it as it had rolled into a ditch.
They eventually got to Donegal. Stayed in a rented cottage beside a field in the middle of nowhere. She loved every minute of it!

jimgoose · 26-11-2013 03:19PM

maninasia wrote: »

They use the vinegar to 'clean' their works. You can't leave vinegar out in any chip shop in Dublin. He was being kind...

A sort of Redex for winos, like. Cool. Keep the shoe in, hi! :cool:

Surrealistic Ireland.

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