The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL · 06-11-2013 12:34AM

I heard this today so I had to type this out my self so bear with me :

A farmer went to to doctors with his illness.
The doctor gave him two tablets and said
" right paddy stick those in your back passage and you'll be okay ".

The following day paddy returned and was unpleased that the tablets didn't work .

He told the doctor " sticking them in my back passage did no good , I should have stuck them up my hole".

Curly Judge · 06-11-2013 12:50AM

50 Shades – the Sequel

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out..........

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

FanadMan · 06-11-2013 03:20AM

A man phones his doctor......

Guy - "Doctor Doctor.....you've gotta help me now! I'm incontinent!"

Doctor - "Where are your ringing from?"

Guy - "From the waist down"

FanadMan · 06-11-2013 03:20AM

Dammit!! Read about those double posts but never believed it!

EoghanIRL · 07-11-2013 12:47AM

What happened when the cheese factory exploded?

De brie went everywhere

MonkieSocks · 07-11-2013 01:04AM

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter) and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,

“What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied :mad::

“I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.

Old School Husqy · 07-11-2013 01:05AM

A group of German ministers and Irish minsters were going into a conference in Dublin when they could hardly see where they were going due to dust of a worker cutting the pavement with a con saw. German minister said that if this was Germany they would be using lasers and specialist machinery to perform the task that would be accurate to 100th of a mm. Irish Minister responded - that would be no good in Ireland, as here we have to be spot on

Anyone · 07-11-2013 05:19PM

It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.

It's like the ultimate 'Fúck you' to trees.

rolliepoley · 07-11-2013 06:55PM

My brother was so mean when I was a child. He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them.

rolliepoley · 07-11-2013 07:07PM

Amsterdam is like a Tour de France. Just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

rolliepoley · 07-11-2013 07:39PM

Chicken marches into the library, walks up to the library desk, and says: “Book, book, BOOK!”

The librarian hands over a a couple of slim children’s paperbacks, and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill.

Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, “Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!” The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away.

The next day, the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, “Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!”

This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows — across the street, through a field, and down the hill to a small pond.

On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond’s edge, and says, “Book, Book, Book!”

The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says: “Read it, read it, read it…”

rolliepoley · 07-11-2013 08:56PM

The President was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr President" a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe 's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell y'all that we are officially declaring war on y 'all!"

"Well Archie," The president replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

The president paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" The President asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

The President sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "Mr. President! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I 'm sorry to hear that" said the President. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "We've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

audioslave · 07-11-2013 09:17PM

Makes me laugh every time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbUSGOAa-Zc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

rolliepoley · 07-11-2013 10:10PM

Little Joey was crying his eyes out. "What's wrong?" his Grandpa asked. "I can't do the things that the big boys do." Grandpa sat down and cried too.

MonkieSocks · 07-11-2013 10:13PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

My brother was so mean when I was a child. He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them.

That wasn't Glue :P

EoghanIRL · 07-11-2013 11:47PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

That wasn't Glue :P

Prit stick ??

Ted_YNWA · 07-11-2013 11:49PM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Prit stick ??

Was it organic glue?

gurl88 · 08-11-2013 12:06AM

A farmer had two chickens, a white one and a dog.

Howard Juneau · 08-11-2013 12:25AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Prit stick ??

Prìck stick more like

EoghanIRL · 08-11-2013 12:40AM

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .
'Go get your Mother'

EoghanIRL · 08-11-2013 12:43AM

A man says to his wife "I bet you $100 you can't say something to make me happy and sad at the same time"

The wife thinks for a moment, responds "Of all your friends. You have the biggest dick" and grabs the money.

08-11-2013 08:55AM

If you've ever worked for a boss, who reacts before getting the facts, and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company, of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know, that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four week's pay. Now GET OUT, and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me, what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Banjo String · 08-11-2013 11:31AM

Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

Cos he kneaded a poo.

rolliepoley · 08-11-2013 08:45PM

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

rolliepoley · 08-11-2013 09:06PM

Mahatma Gandhi, the celebrated religious leader walked mostly in his bare feet, so his feet became very hard-skinned and gnarly. He also fasted a lot and when he did eat it was sparingly and often not very nutritious. This left him weak and with permanent bad breath. Causing one follower to remark 'Here comes the super callused fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis.'

Drakares · 08-11-2013 09:33PM

Pat Spillane, Eamon Dunphy, Enda Kenny, a Bishop and a schoolgirl are on a plane.

The pilot comes in from the cockpit and says "I dunno how to say this, so I'll just say it. This plane is going to crash and after I jump there will be only 4 parachutes left. All the best!" then he jumps leaving the rest of them sitting there..

After a few moments of shock, Pat Spillane gets up and says "Feck this lads, I'm not dying for no one!" He grabs a parachute and makes the jump..

A minute later, Dunphy says "He has the right idea, I'm not dying today.." so he grabs the next parachute and hops out.

Enda Kenny goes "I'm the most important here, I've got a Country to run!" So he grabs the next one and jumps

The Bishop is left there with his thoughts and the young girl.. He thinks about it for a second and finally says "My sweet child, I cannot leave you to die. You are going to have to take this parachute and pull the chord on the way down. Don't be afraid, my child."

The child looks up at the Bishop and says "Don't worry father, Enda Kenny is gone with my schoolbag"

:D:D

December2012 · 08-11-2013 10:31PM

The schoolgirl is left alone with the bishop?

http://youtu.be/OWwOJlOI1nU

gramar · 08-11-2013 10:54PM

December2012 wrote: »

The schoolgirl is left alone with the bishop?

http://youtu.be/OWwOJlOI1nU

It's only a problem if it's a schoolboy.

rolliepoley · 08-11-2013 11:10PM

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."

rolliepoley · 08-11-2013 11:15PM

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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