The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

shannonman81 · 02-11-2013 08:50AM

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

Sunnyisland · 02-11-2013 09:08AM

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it!

A couple of nights ago my partner and I were out for pre Christmas drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers as well as spirits and some rather nice cabernet; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

We arrived back home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, because I had never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got this one.

:D:D

EoghanIRL · 02-11-2013 11:08AM

shannonman81 wrote: »

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

I've never heard that one before :L

EoghanIRL · 02-11-2013 11:11AM

Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you.

I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... get it?

Lol

Santa Cruz · 02-11-2013 12:26PM

News. Gardaí seeking assistance.

Gardaí are continuing their search in County Meath where a dismembered human arm was found yesterday.
They are requesting that local people come out and give them a hand.

Sunnyisland · 02-11-2013 06:52PM

A lady! was having an affair with the local pest control worker

One day her husband came home unexpectedly

Quick she said get in the closet

But the husband got suspicious and found the man

What are you doing in there he asks

I am investigating an investation of moths he replied

So where are all your clothes says the hubby

Quick as a flash the man looks down and says...well the little ba##tards

Comer1 · 02-11-2013 06:59PM

Santa Cruz wrote: »

News. Gardaí seeking assistance.

Gardaí are continuing their search in County Meath where a dismembered human arm was found yesterday.
They are requesting that local people come out and give them a hand.

Well if that's the best joke you've ever heard, you must have lived a very humourless life my friend.

CrinkElite · 02-11-2013 07:37PM

What does Patrick Stewart do in the the bathroom?

Captain's log

Uberbeamerman · 02-11-2013 07:52PM

shannonman81 wrote: »

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

Ha, that's fun that is

But I think it was funnier when I told it

Cycling Dumbasses · 02-11-2013 08:05PM

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a ****!"

EoghanIRL · 02-11-2013 09:43PM

Santa Cruz wrote: »

News. Gardaí seeking assistance.

Gardaí are continuing their search in County Meath where a dismembered human arm was found yesterday.
They are requesting that local people come out and give them a hand.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

Capt'n Midnight · 02-11-2013 09:55PM

CrinkElite wrote: »

What does Patrick Stewart do in the the bathroom?

http://i.imgur.com/PCEmlGF.jpg

EoghanIRL · 03-11-2013 09:31PM

Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they often spend years at C

coolhull · 03-11-2013 10:25PM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they often spend years at C

And this is the 'Best Joke Ye Ever Heard'? :rolleyes:

losthorizon · 03-11-2013 10:29PM

Comer1 wrote: »

Well if that's the best joke you've ever heard, you must have lived a very humourless life my friend.

Well, I thought it was funny.

EoghanIRL · 03-11-2013 11:02PM

coolhull wrote: »

And this is the 'Best Joke Ye Ever Heard'? :rolleyes:

Leave me alone , this is where I post jokes that I find funny. It's become almost a hobby recently

Capt'n Midnight · 04-11-2013 12:11AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they often spend years at C

ARRRRR

EoghanIRL · 04-11-2013 12:40AM

Took a bus home from work today. May not seem like a big deal but I've never driven a bus before.

Sunnyisland · 04-11-2013 07:35PM

This is a true story, proving how
fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where
first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the manwith the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.:D:)

WilyCoyote · 04-11-2013 07:56PM

losthorizon wrote: »

Well, I thought it was funny.

If you find it funny you must find titbit hilarious!

04-11-2013 09:47PM

Carol had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Annie said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum, I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to
join him for a weekend in Spain ....
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his
birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, But down there,
I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

Pulsating Star · 04-11-2013 10:07PM

Now if only Carol would join them.....!

EoghanIRL · 04-11-2013 10:08PM

I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite…
He said NaBrO

EoghanIRL · 04-11-2013 10:15PM

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 04-11-2013 10:25PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Carol had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Annie said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum, I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to
join him for a weekend in Spain ....
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his
birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, But down there,
I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

What became of Carol or Annie? I got confused.............

EoghanIRL · 04-11-2013 10:31PM

Ryder Greasy Vent wrote: »

What became of Carol or Annie? I got confused.............

He mixed up the names

EoghanIRL · 05-11-2013 12:50AM

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24"

Stolen from reddit

05-11-2013 08:53AM

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed.The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.A moment of silence passes and the guy says,"I can't believe they fúcked my wife after only five cans!"

____________________________________________________
My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"

____________________________________________________
I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail.I got locked up for punching this bloke at a party.In my defence... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day.She told me I would come into some money.Last night I shagged a sheila called Penny - spooky or what?

____________________________________________________
The missus asked me,"When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"Apparently"Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

____________________________________________________
My wife is pissed off with me again.I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper.She has no sense of humour.

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says.If any of you are Paedophiles, you can fúck off down to HELL Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out."And take this deaf bastard with you".

The wife said to me last night."If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse".Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

My mate reckons he always cries after sex.Mind you.... He is in Prison
.

The wife came out of the bathroom and said:"I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you"?I said. "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again"!

Nearly shagged a Lady boy last night.Picked him up in a night club.He Looked like a woman.Smelled like a woman.Danced like a woman.Even kissed like a woman.But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.That's when I thought. "Hang about" !!!!

EoghanIRL · 05-11-2013 11:20PM

How did the T-Rex feel after working out?

Dino-sore

EoghanIRL · 05-11-2013 11:22PM

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb ?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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