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The Cooking Disaster Thread

  • 15-09-2013 10:59pm
    #1
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    As much as we post our successes in the kitchen here, I'm sure we all have some disasters from time to time. I thought it might be fun to have a thread where we can share our horror stories to give others a laugh :)

    I tried to serve a practically raw chicken to my OH earlier, insisting he was imagining it when he said it was pink when he was carving it :o. Turns out it wasn't fully defrosted, and while the top half was cooked, the lower half was raw :o.


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Comments

  • #2
    pampootie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,441 ✭✭✭pampootie


    I made an apple rhubarb crumble from a new recipe earlier. I thought the ratio of butter to flour was a bit out but pressed on anyway. It was disgusting, completely wet topping, butter running down the sides. Ate some of it out of stubbornness, then tried to fix it by putting oats on top and baking it again. End result is that I've wasted some lovely fruit in making the world's worst flapjack and I've got a sore tummy :(


  • #3
    nompere
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,678 ✭✭✭nompere


    In an effort to make some basa (cheap and nasty fish, there was another thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=86334180 about it recently) palatable, I tried cooking it in a green curry sauce. The fish remained disgusting, and herself reckoned that I had cooked the fish in liquidised Kermit, and refused to eat it.


  • #4
    livinsane
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,090 ✭✭✭livinsane


    We had a guy staying in our house for a night recently, I hadn't met him before. I proudly served up dinner with spuds that I'd grown in the back garden. When I washing up later, I noticed he had left a few potatoes on his plate...probably because there were a few nice juicy slugs cooked into the centre of them. Spud ala Slug Surprise!


  • #5
    Gauge
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,818 ✭✭✭Gauge


    I was baking cupcakes for friends and family members for the first so I wanted everything to be perfect.

    In my flustered state, I used tablespoons to measure the baking powder instead of teaspoons.

    I ended up making 2 batches of light, fluffy... cupcake volcanoes :( they erupted everywhere.


  • #6
    rubadub
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 32,382 ✭✭✭✭rubadub


    Came down to a george foreman still turned on in the morning after a big night out. 5-6 frazzled "things" in it. Had to look in the bin to see that they were originally fish fingers.

    Funny now, but lucky it wasn't a cooker grill which would not keep turning off like the george foreman does.


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  • #7
    iverjohnston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,242 ✭✭✭iverjohnston


    tried to thicken gravy with custard powder once, as had no cornflower. not a success!


  • #8
    The Hill Billy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,798 ✭✭✭✭The Hill Billy


    Years ago when working in Germany I offered to cook a Thai Curry for a mate's houseparty (I couldn't attend myself).

    I purchased a jar of paste that I thought was the same as one I used back home. It was the same brand, same size, similar label - instructions in German (so I didn't bother reading them).

    Anway, I had the curry almost made in my mate's place (was pressed for time to catch a flight, so had to dash) & left instructions for finishing it off ("garnish with some chopped scallions & a sprig of fresh coriander, etc...) & wished everyone a "Guten appetit!"

    When I called the next day to ask how it went - he said they couldn't eat it. Apparently, it was way, way more concentrated than the paste I thought it was & no amount of yogurt could calm it down & make it edible.


  • #9
    In Exile
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭In Exile


    Only yesterday I was making mash potatoes after work. Cut them up, put them in a steamer over a pot of water and went about some other stuff. Came back 15-20 minutes later and there was an awful smell. Turns out I didn't put enough water into the pot. Water had evaporated and all I was doing was cooking the pot and the bottom of the steamer.


  • #10
    Martyn1989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,561 ✭✭✭Martyn1989


    rubadub wrote: »
    Came down to a george foreman still turned on in the morning after a big night out. 5-6 frazzled "things" in it. Had to look in the bin to see that they were originally fish fingers.

    Funny now, but lucky it wasn't a cooker grill which would not keep turning off like the george foreman does.

    Know a lad who woke up after a late night to a smokey kitchen and three full chickens from the freezer in the oven.

    Recently we tried making some brownies, not realising they'd rise, alot, in the oven, came back when they should have been done to a burnt pile of crap stuck to the element in the bottom of the oven. Took hours to clean.


  • #11
    April O Neill
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,305 ✭✭✭April O Neill


    iverjohnston wrote: »
    tried to thicken gravy with custard powder once, as had no cornflower. not a success!

    :D


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  • #12
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    Oh God. So, so many. From the humdrum disaster of making a very expensive ("buy the best, it's a simple dish so the ingredients really shine through") potato gratin that with all the gruyere, fancy butter and organic cream cost the guts of €12 and tasted of...nothing. Bit of a crunch from the underdone potatoes and around 1200 calories a spoonful and mmm, bland.

    Then there 'inventiveness' disasters, crowned by chicken stuffed with orange & marinated in Captain Morgan. Have you ever wondered what a chicken super split would taste like? Because if so I have the recipe for you.

    Last but not least the 'someone whose previous experience was supermacs but, like, 2 years ago shouldn't be running your pub kitchen' disasters that came to a dizzying high the first time I was asked to cook an (expensive, especially compared to the rest of the menu which had a lean towards hawaiian baguettes) steak for someone. Which I managed to make both a sort of watery undercooked bad-meat grey and cook it to the texture of pleather. And I forgot one of the steps I'd been shown to make gravy and served him the whole mess under a sea of warm brown cornflour. The weird bit was the plate came back clean!


  • #13
    nompere
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,678 ✭✭✭nompere


    Firstly, apologies to Miss Flitworth for referencing her avatar in my first disaster!

    Here's another.

    http://www.nigella.com/recipes/view/roly-poly-pudding-70

    Just three ingredients - you wouldn't think it could possibly go wrong. The picture makes it look so appetising.

    When mine came out of the oven the attractive looking roll shown in the picture had collapsed to something no more than an inch thick. None of us had ever tasted anything so sweet. And the caramel sauce had turned into something that acted on teeth like superglue!


  • #14
    Princess Peach
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,698 ✭✭✭✭Princess Peach


    This one is from my mother. She had loads of pancake batter left over from pancake Tuesday and somehow had the notion that if she coated fish in it and fried them, it would be just like chip shop battered fish.

    The result was her dishing us up pancake fish. Fish surrounded by cakey pancake.


  • #15
    the-ging
    Registered Users Posts: 326 ✭✭the-ging


    I know I'll make Creme brulee for a dinner party, oh no you dont, you will have a dish of soggy tastless custard.


  • #16
    the beer revolu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,149 ✭✭✭✭the beer revolu


    the-ging wrote: »
    I know I'll make Creme brulee for a dinner party, oh no you dont, you will have a dish of soggy tastless custard.

    Or worse : sweet scrambled eggs!


  • #17
    April O Neill
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,305 ✭✭✭April O Neill


    nompere wrote: »
    None of us had ever tasted anything so sweet.

    Nigella recipes tend to have that facet, generally. :)


  • #18
    Mrs Fox
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,292 ✭✭✭Mrs Fox


    Anyone had any of these epic food fails?


  • #19
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    Mrs Fox wrote: »
    Anyone had any of these epic food fails?

    I've done the frozen-raw-pizza-dough-directly-on-the-bars-of-the-oven-thing, that was a pain to clean up


  • #20
    April O Neill
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,305 ✭✭✭April O Neill


    MissFlitworth wrote: »
    I've done the frozen-raw-pizza-dough-directly-on-the-bars-of-the-oven-thing, that was a pain to clean up

    Homemade dough? Because the pizzas you buy in shops are usually grand with no baking sheet, in fact some instruction tell you not to use a sheet!


  • #21
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I've had an overflowing cake where I completely misunderstood the size of the tin needed. Watching it cook was like watching lava slowly ooze out of a volcano!


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  • #22
    Toto Wolfcastle
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,005 ✭✭✭✭Toto Wolfcastle


    April O Neill wrote: »
    Homemade dough? Because the pizzas you buy in shops are usually grand with no baking sheet, in fact some instruction tell you not to use a sheet!

    Nope, it's happened to me too. Chicago Town was the culprit if I remember correctly.


  • #23
    bluecherry74
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 838 ✭✭✭bluecherry74


    I made homemade oven chips last night using lovely floury potatoes and seasoned with chilli and sweet paprika. The few bits that I was able to scrape off the baking tray tasted lovely. The rest went in the bin along with the baking tray as they were inseparable. :rolleyes:


  • #24
    emc2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭emc2


    I once made a Pear Crumble with Salt instead of Sugar......and wondered why the crumble wasn't going brown! Nasty doesn't begin to describe it!


  • #25
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    emc2 wrote: »
    I once made a Pear Crumble with Salt instead of Sugar......and wondered why the crumble wasn't going brown! Nasty doesn't begin to describe it!

    My mum actually once made a crumble with garlic butter instead of ordinary butter. She still insisted that we all attempt to eat it too!

    Needless to say, it was vile.


  • #26
    Michellenman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭Michellenman


    What is it about crumbles that throw people off? My mother made an apple crumble but used a bag of brown rice instead of brown sugar. Baked it and all. Crunchy is not the word for it.


  • #27
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    April O Neill wrote: »
    Homemade dough? Because the pizzas you buy in shops are usually grand with no baking sheet, in fact some instruction tell you not to use a sheet!
    Bobblehead Panda wrote: »
    Nope, it's happened to me too. Chicago Town was the culprit if I remember correctly.

    That exact pizza, the 'takeaway' one. Was a balls to clean off the oven and the bars!

    pizza1.jpg

    Looked like this when I went out to see where the smell of fire was coming from

    20100404-Epic_Pizza_FAIL_2.jpg


  • #28
    pampootie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,441 ✭✭✭pampootie


    MissFlitworth wrote: »
    I've done the frozen-raw-pizza-dough-directly-on-the-bars-of-the-oven-thing, that was a pain to clean up

    I once spent all day making pizza completely from scratch-dough, sauce that took hours of work, toppings etc. Sat down with a glass of wine and heard a bang, couldn't figure out where it came from. Until I opened the oven 10 minutes later to find my pizza stone had exploded inside the oven and taken my pizza with it :(


  • #29
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    pampootie wrote: »
    I once spent all day making pizza completely from scratch-dough, sauce that took hours of work, toppings etc. Sat down with a glass of wine and heard a bang, couldn't figure out where it came from. Until I opened the oven 10 minutes later to find my pizza stone had exploded inside the oven and taken my pizza with it :(

    eek - shrapnel!!

    Actually that reminds me of one of my earlier cooking disasters/life lessons. Not all that is made of 'pottery' can be put in the oven. Some things are decorative and will explode MIGHTILY taking your rubbish lasagne with them


  • #30
    April O Neill
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,305 ✭✭✭April O Neill


    Bobblehead Panda wrote: »
    Nope, it's happened to me too. Chicago Town was the culprit if I remember correctly.

    Yeah, it seems to depend on the brand, some tell you to use a sheet, some tell you not too. But a lot of people probably assume you never need to use a sheet and don't read the instructions.


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  • #31
    April O Neill
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,305 ✭✭✭April O Neill


    My first attempt at beef stew back in the day: I didn't brown the meat, I didn't add stock, just water, I didn't sweat the onions and garlic, just added them to the water, I only simmered thw whole thing for an hour. Need I say any more? :p


  • #32
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    April O Neill wrote: »
    But a lot of people probably assume you never need to use a sheet and don't read the instructions.

    I think I went 'Boll0cks! Don't tell *me* what to do Chicago Town. Tch.....' and lashed it onto the shelf :)


  • #33
    MurdyWurdy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,043 ✭✭✭MurdyWurdy


    When my husband was at university and flat sharing they used to take it in turns to cook for each other. One night when it was his mate Ben's turn he decided to make a curry, one which needed natural yoghurt stirred in at the end. He realised he'd forgotten to get the yogurt so poured in a tub of low fat strawberry yoghurt instead and served it up to his unsuspecting flat mates. I believe there was vomiting :) He still gets slagged about it to this day.

    My worst disaster was Christmas dinner one year. I went with the friends we were eating the dinner with to the butcher to buy a frozen turkey. They took it home and I told them to let it thaw in the sink straught away. However they decided to put it in their freezer and only take it out the night before instead. I think we had Christmas dinner at 11pm or something like that. Moral of the story - if you're cooking it take the turkey home yourself!


  • #34
    TeletextPear
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,413 ✭✭✭TeletextPear


    Once in college I got a fit of culinary inspiration and decided I'd make soda bread (big deal for someone who lived on McCain microwave chips for four years). Got my ingredients, made the dough, cut the cross in the top and bunged it into the oven. Without a tray. So I plopped the dough right onto the bars - dunno what I was thinking. That took some cleaning up. :rolleyes:


  • #35
    Alun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,487 ✭✭✭✭Alun


    April O Neill wrote: »
    My first attempt at beef stew back in the day: I didn't brown the meat, I didn't add stock, just water, I didn't sweat the onions and garlic, just added them to the water, I only simmered thw whole thing for an hour. Need I say any more? :p
    That sounds like my mum's recipe for stew back when I was a kid (no garlic though!) :D


  • #36
    April O Neill
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,305 ✭✭✭April O Neill


    Alun wrote: »
    That sounds like my mum's recipe for stew back when I was a kid (no garlic though!) :D

    Well, technically, I shouldn't be adding garlic to stew. :)


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  • #37
    decisions
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭decisions


    Michellenman wrote: »
    What is it about crumbles that throw people off?

    Cumin instead of Cinnamon on my apple crumble :o


  • #38
    The Sweeper
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,658 ✭✭✭✭The Sweeper


    Lemon meringue pie was the greatest cockup. Unset lemon curd and flat as a pancake foamy unset meringue in a pastry case. When I cut a slice, the filling all poured slowly but unstoppably out of it, leaving me with an empty pastry case and a puddle of lemon and meringue on the benchtop.


  • #39
    Mrs Fox
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,292 ✭✭✭Mrs Fox


    In Exile wrote: »
    Only yesterday I was making mash potatoes after work. Cut them up, put them in a steamer over a pot of water and went about some other stuff. Came back 15-20 minutes later and there was an awful smell. Turns out I didn't put enough water into the pot. Water had evaporated and all I was doing was cooking the pot and the bottom of the steamer.


    Had this disaster a few weeks ago and had to dump my wok. Some smell that was.
    emc2 wrote: »
    I once made a Pear Crumble with Salt instead of Sugar......and wondered why the crumble wasn't going brown! Nasty doesn't begin to describe it!

    That reminds me of my stepdaughter's attempt on choc chip cookies. Looked the business but when I took a bite it tasted of playdoh made of seawater. She had read the scale wrong, instead of 3gm of salt she poured in 30gm.


  • #40
    iverjohnston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,242 ✭✭✭iverjohnston


    about 20 years ago my mates dad reared a monster of a turkey for Christmas. It must have weighted 30 lbs . It was so big, they couldn't get the door of the Stanley to close. For some reason, instead of cutting a lump off it, some one had to sit with their foot to the door while it cooked . Every one who dropped in during the day had to take a spell, good times though!


  • #41
    the beer revolu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,149 ✭✭✭✭the beer revolu


    iverjohnston wrote: »
    about 20 years ago my mates dad reared a monster of a turkey for Christmas. It must have weighted 30 lbs . It was so big, they couldn't get the door of the Stanley to close. For some reason, instead of cutting a lump off it, some one had to sit with their foot to the door while it cooked . Every one who dropped in during the day had to take a spell, good times though!
    I discovered that it's not for no reason we're told to prick spuds allover before baking them!
    I gave one a slight squeeze to see if it was done and it instantly exploded leaving me with just skin and a fluffy potato lined oven but, thankfully, no burns.


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  • #42
    5unflower
    Registered Users Posts: 356 ✭✭5unflower


    This thread has certainly achieved what it set out to do: give me a chuckle this morning! And I can certainly relate to a lot of the disasters already mentioned...

    Besides probably fairly common cake baking experiments, which simply didn't work and ended up as gloopy piles of inedible mess, a memorable kitchen failure was a straight forward savoury strudel I make regularly (basically mince rolled up in puff pastry). That particular day however I didn't pay attention to the oven settings and had accidentally turned on the grill function...and the timer set for half an hour...slightly alarmed by the smell I checked after 15 minutes or so to find the top of the strudel and the baking paper it was sitting on more or less incinerated with everything else uncooked...there was nothing to save!

    And another time this came out of the oven...

    272535.jpg

    It should have been some lovely coconut biscuits :o


  • #43
    Miaireland
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Miaireland


    My brother decided to make a sauce using mars bars for over ice cream. To this day I donot know how he managed it but the sauce set rock solid when it touched the ice cream. One of his friends lifted the sauce off the icecream and dropped it on the granite counter next to him. Big chuck out of the counter.


  • #44
    RhubarbCrumble
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭RhubarbCrumble


    My brother used to share a house with two other guys a few years ago. They all worked different shifts so it was rare enough for more than one of them to be in the house at a time. However my brother got home one evening to discover his housemate "John" in the kitchen unpacking a few Tesco bags. John had a full chicken and said that he obviously wasn't going to eat it all himself and if my brother fancied some when it was cooked, he was more than welcome.

    My brother said fine and headed off to the sitting room to watch tv. John, having put the chicken in the oven, went upstairs to have a shower. Shortly afterwards my brother could smell something odd coming from the kitchen, and went to check. John had indeed put the chicken in the oven, but not being a culinary expert didn't realise that you were supposed to take the plastic off it and take it out of the styrofoam tray first!!!!


  • #45
    leahyl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,322 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    RhubarbCrumble wrote: »
    My brother used to share a house with two other guys a few years ago. They all worked different shifts so it was rare enough for more than one of them to be in the house at a time. However my brother got home one evening to discover his housemate "John" in the kitchen unpacking a few Tesco bags. John had a full chicken and said that he obviously wasn't going to eat it all himself and if my brother fancied some when it was cooked, he was more than welcome.

    My brother said fine and headed off to the sitting room to watch tv. John, having put the chicken in the oven, went upstairs to have a shower. Shortly afterwards my brother could smell something odd coming from the kitchen, and went to check. John had indeed put the chicken in the oven, but not being a culinary expert didn't realise that you were supposed to take the plastic off it and take it out of the styrofoam tray first!!!!

    Ah here, you have to be joking?!!


  • #46
    Stheno
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,688 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    leahyl wrote: »
    Ah here, you have to be joking?!!

    I'd believe it.

    My OH can't/won't cook, so in days of old, he used make shepherds pie as follows:

    1. Fry mince.
    2. Throw in packet of shepherds pie mix.
    3. Add in frozen peas/veg
    4. Place in dish
    5. Top with store bought frozen mashed potato

    /shudder


  • #47
    RhubarbCrumble
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭RhubarbCrumble


    leahyl wrote: »
    Ah here, you have to be joking?!!

    No, deadly serious unfortunately. Apparently it was that guys first time living away from home. He was just lucky that my brother was in the sitting room, otherwise by the time he'd come out of the shower the whole place could have gone up in flames.

    He was quite a liability with the washing machine too by all accounts.


  • #48
    Mrs Fox
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,292 ✭✭✭Mrs Fox


    RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

    He was quite a liability with the washing machine too by all accounts.

    Don't tell me he put the chicken in the washing machine afterwards?


  • #49
    leahyl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,322 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    RhubarbCrumble wrote: »
    No, deadly serious unfortunately. Apparently it was that guys first time living away from home. He was just lucky that my brother was in the sitting room, otherwise by the time he'd come out of the shower the whole place could have gone up in flames.

    He was quite a liability with the washing machine too by all accounts.

    :eek: Good God


  • #50
    Toast4532
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,613 ✭✭✭Toast4532


    One time when I was about 16 I wanted to cook dinner for my mother and granny so my mother said okay, as long as she or my granny was supervising me.

    I went and got the ingredients, about €30 worth, came home and started making the meal, eventually after hours of cooking etc it was ready, and inedible.

    Thankfully my cooking skills have improved a lot since then.

    Another time my granny was cooking bacon but forgot to put water in the pot (or else didn't put enough in, not sure which) and all we could smell for days afterwards was burned bacon, it was sickening.

    Another time she cooked a chicken at 260 degrees in the new oven and burnt the ****e out of it, my mother had some job cleaning the oven afterwards. Think it took three attempts before it was fully cleaned.


  • #51
    earlytobed
    Registered Users Posts: 452 ✭✭earlytobed


    I cooked a green thai curry a few years ago. It was fine except the sauce was no way green, just a creamy colour. I added a few drops of green food colour which turned the chicken emerald green. looked like chunks of incredible hulk! tasted fine...honestly


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