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The Cooking Disaster Thread

Faith

As much as we post our successes in the kitchen here, I'm sure we all have some disasters from time to time. I thought it might be fun to have a thread where we can share our horror stories to give others a laugh

I tried to serve a practically raw chicken to my OH earlier, insisting he was imagining it when he said it was pink when he was carving it

. Turns out it wasn't fully defrosted, and while the top half was cooked, the lower half was raw

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pampootie

I made an apple rhubarb crumble from a new recipe earlier. I thought the ratio of butter to flour was a bit out but pressed on anyway. It was disgusting, completely wet topping, butter running down the sides. Ate some of it out of stubbornness, then tried to fix it by putting oats on top and baking it again. End result is that I've wasted some lovely fruit in making the world's worst flapjack and I've got a sore tummy

nompere

In an effort to make some basa (cheap and nasty fish, there was another thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=86334180 about it recently) palatable, I tried cooking it in a green curry sauce. The fish remained disgusting, and herself reckoned that I had cooked the fish in liquidised Kermit, and refused to eat it.

livinsane

We had a guy staying in our house for a night recently, I hadn't met him before. I proudly served up dinner with spuds that I'd grown in the back garden. When I washing up later, I noticed he had left a few potatoes on his plate...probably because there were a few nice juicy slugs cooked into the centre of them. Spud ala Slug Surprise!

Gauge

I was baking cupcakes for friends and family members for the first so I wanted everything to be perfect.

In my flustered state, I used tablespoons to measure the baking powder instead of teaspoons.

I ended up making 2 batches of light, fluffy... cupcake volcanoes

they erupted everywhere.

rubadub

Came down to a george foreman still turned on in the morning after a big night out. 5-6 frazzled "things" in it. Had to look in the bin to see that they were originally fish fingers.

Funny now, but lucky it wasn't a cooker grill which would not keep turning off like the george foreman does.

iverjohnston

tried to thicken gravy with custard powder once, as had no cornflower. not a success!

The Hill Billy

Years ago when working in Germany I offered to cook a Thai Curry for a mate's houseparty (I couldn't attend myself).

I purchased a jar of paste that I thought was the same as one I used back home. It was the same brand, same size, similar label - instructions in German (so I didn't bother reading them).

Anway, I had the curry almost made in my mate's place (was pressed for time to catch a flight, so had to dash) & left instructions for finishing it off ("garnish with some chopped scallions & a sprig of fresh coriander, etc...) & wished everyone a "Guten appetit!"

When I called the next day to ask how it went - he said they couldn't eat it. Apparently, it was way, way more concentrated than the paste I thought it was & no amount of yogurt could calm it down & make it edible.

In Exile

Only yesterday I was making mash potatoes after work. Cut them up, put them in a steamer over a pot of water and went about some other stuff. Came back 15-20 minutes later and there was an awful smell. Turns out I didn't put enough water into the pot. Water had evaporated and all I was doing was cooking the pot and the bottom of the steamer.

Martyn1989

rubadub wrote: »

Came down to a george foreman still turned on in the morning after a big night out. 5-6 frazzled "things" in it. Had to look in the bin to see that they were originally fish fingers.

Funny now, but lucky it wasn't a cooker grill which would not keep turning off like the george foreman does.

Know a lad who woke up after a late night to a smokey kitchen and three full chickens from the freezer in the oven.

Recently we tried making some brownies, not realising they'd rise, alot, in the oven, came back when they should have been done to a burnt pile of crap stuck to the element in the bottom of the oven. Took hours to clean.

April O Neill

iverjohnston wrote: »

tried to thicken gravy with custard powder once, as had no cornflower. not a success!

MissFlitworth

Oh God. So, so many. From the humdrum disaster of making a very expensive ("buy the best, it's a simple dish so the ingredients really shine through") potato gratin that with all the gruyere, fancy butter and organic cream cost the guts of €12 and tasted of...nothing. Bit of a crunch from the underdone potatoes and around 1200 calories a spoonful and mmm, bland.

Then there 'inventiveness' disasters, crowned by chicken stuffed with orange & marinated in Captain Morgan. Have you ever wondered what a chicken super split would taste like? Because if so I have the recipe for you.

Last but not least the 'someone whose previous experience was supermacs but, like, 2 years ago shouldn't be running your pub kitchen' disasters that came to a dizzying high the first time I was asked to cook an (expensive, especially compared to the rest of the menu which had a lean towards hawaiian baguettes) steak for someone. Which I managed to make both a sort of watery undercooked bad-meat grey and cook it to the texture of pleather. And I forgot one of the steps I'd been shown to make gravy and served him the whole mess under a sea of warm brown cornflour. The weird bit was the plate came back clean!

nompere

Firstly, apologies to Miss Flitworth for referencing her avatar in my first disaster!

Here's another.

http://www.nigella.com/recipes/view/roly-poly-pudding-70

Just three ingredients - you wouldn't think it could possibly go wrong. The picture makes it look so appetising.

When mine came out of the oven the attractive looking roll shown in the picture had collapsed to something no more than an inch thick. None of us had ever tasted anything so sweet. And the caramel sauce had turned into something that acted on teeth like superglue!

Princess Peach

This one is from my mother. She had loads of pancake batter left over from pancake Tuesday and somehow had the notion that if she coated fish in it and fried them, it would be just like chip shop battered fish.

The result was her dishing us up pancake fish. Fish surrounded by cakey pancake.

the-ging

I know I'll make Creme brulee for a dinner party, oh no you dont, you will have a dish of soggy tastless custard.

the beer revolu

the-ging wrote: »

I know I'll make Creme brulee for a dinner party, oh no you dont, you will have a dish of soggy tastless custard.

Or worse : sweet scrambled eggs!

April O Neill

nompere wrote: »

None of us had ever tasted anything so sweet.

Nigella recipes tend to have that facet, generally.

Mrs Fox

Anyone had any of these epic food fails?

MissFlitworth

Mrs Fox wrote: »

Anyone had any of these epic food fails?

I've done the frozen-raw-pizza-dough-directly-on-the-bars-of-the-oven-thing, that was a pain to clean up

April O Neill

MissFlitworth wrote: »

I've done the frozen-raw-pizza-dough-directly-on-the-bars-of-the-oven-thing, that was a pain to clean up

Homemade dough? Because the pizzas you buy in shops are usually grand with no baking sheet, in fact some instruction tell you not to use a sheet!

Faith

I've had an overflowing cake where I completely misunderstood the size of the tin needed. Watching it cook was like watching lava slowly ooze out of a volcano!

Toto Wolfcastle

April O Neill wrote: »

Homemade dough? Because the pizzas you buy in shops are usually grand with no baking sheet, in fact some instruction tell you not to use a sheet!

Nope, it's happened to me too. Chicago Town was the culprit if I remember correctly.

bluecherry74

I made homemade oven chips last night using lovely floury potatoes and seasoned with chilli and sweet paprika. The few bits that I was able to scrape off the baking tray tasted lovely. The rest went in the bin along with the baking tray as they were inseparable. :rolleyes:

emc2

I once made a Pear Crumble with Salt instead of Sugar......and wondered why the crumble wasn't going brown! Nasty doesn't begin to describe it!

Faith

emc2 wrote: »

I once made a Pear Crumble with Salt instead of Sugar......and wondered why the crumble wasn't going brown! Nasty doesn't begin to describe it!

My mum actually once made a crumble with garlic butter instead of ordinary butter. She still insisted that we all attempt to eat it too!

Needless to say, it was vile.

Michellenman

What is it about crumbles that throw people off? My mother made an apple crumble but used a bag of brown rice instead of brown sugar. Baked it and all. Crunchy is not the word for it.

MissFlitworth

April O Neill wrote: »

Homemade dough? Because the pizzas you buy in shops are usually grand with no baking sheet, in fact some instruction tell you not to use a sheet!

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

Nope, it's happened to me too. Chicago Town was the culprit if I remember correctly.

That exact pizza, the 'takeaway' one. Was a balls to clean off the oven and the bars!

Looked like this when I went out to see where the smell of fire was coming from

pampootie

MissFlitworth wrote: »

I've done the frozen-raw-pizza-dough-directly-on-the-bars-of-the-oven-thing, that was a pain to clean up

I once spent all day making pizza completely from scratch-dough, sauce that took hours of work, toppings etc. Sat down with a glass of wine and heard a bang, couldn't figure out where it came from. Until I opened the oven 10 minutes later to find my pizza stone had exploded inside the oven and taken my pizza with it

MissFlitworth

pampootie wrote: »

I once spent all day making pizza completely from scratch-dough, sauce that took hours of work, toppings etc. Sat down with a glass of wine and heard a bang, couldn't figure out where it came from. Until I opened the oven 10 minutes later to find my pizza stone had exploded inside the oven and taken my pizza with it

eek - shrapnel!!

Actually that reminds me of one of my earlier cooking disasters/life lessons. Not all that is made of 'pottery' can be put in the oven. Some things are decorative and will explode MIGHTILY taking your rubbish lasagne with them

April O Neill

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

Nope, it's happened to me too. Chicago Town was the culprit if I remember correctly.

Yeah, it seems to depend on the brand, some tell you to use a sheet, some tell you not too. But a lot of people probably assume you never need to use a sheet and don't read the instructions.

April O Neill

My first attempt at beef stew back in the day: I didn't brown the meat, I didn't add stock, just water, I didn't sweat the onions and garlic, just added them to the water, I only simmered thw whole thing for an hour. Need I say any more?