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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,097 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    A Wicklow farmer appears in court for having sex with a sheep, the judge listens to all the evidence, and on giving his verdict he said to the farmer " how low can you go " the farmer replied a Jack Russel.

    Is that the farmer that kept mountain goats :pac:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,488 ✭✭✭Blisterman


    Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women.

    For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    Hitchens wrote: »
    Is that the farmer that kept mountain goats :pac:

    No they were the ones with the short leg on the inside for walking around the mountains, they were not suitable for a stable relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,488 ✭✭✭Blisterman


    I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces.

    It's a Boing 747.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,166 ✭✭✭Stereomaniac


    Why do people on the north side of Dublin keep pigeons?

    To teach their kids how to walk.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver, seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.
    The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move an inch.
    “So what was that for”, the taxi driver asked.
    “Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.”


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are
    real tough guys in here.” Do you think you can handle it?” “No problem,” the applicant replied,
    “If they don’t behave, out they go!”


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,097 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    Hymie started up a new business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats, and its doing very well.

    Prophets are going through the roof.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    Three sisters, Mary, Pat and Fanny, went to dances together, Mary and Pat always scored poor Fanny had no luck. One night Pat and Mary picked up two guys and went back to the home place, Fanny went to bed disgusted. Mary was in the kitchen making the tea, her chap said you and Pat have very big feet, Mary replied you think our feet are big wait till you our Fannys


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12 Is CUMA liom.


    Why did Hitler commit suicide?
    He got his gas bill.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,775 ✭✭✭✭Slattsy


    I just found out my wife was attacked by a mime.

    He performed unspeakable acts upon her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    Bruce Banner (The Hulk) walks into Matalan on High street Dublin and complains that all his shirts tore way too easily.
    'I want a refund for these 5 shirts pronto.'
    Assistant replies 'no way,there's holes all over them,scram okay.'
    Hulk replies 'look dear,it cost me €30 for these and either they get replaced or I want a refund,don't make me mad,you wont like me when I'm mad.'
    Assistant says 'beat it NOW.'
    The Hulks eyes start bulging,his shirt bursts open,his trousers rip open too,out pops his Jimmy Riddler,assistant screams when she sees the size of it and runs outside,dashes across the street and is knocked down................
    Moral of the story......never cross the road when the green man's flashing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    An engineer dies and goes to hell. First day there he complaims its to hot so he goes about building an air conditioner.
    When its up and running the place starts to cool down. He then notices there is nothing to do so he goes about building cold rooms and then he builds a massive brewery. Brilliant everybody are cool and enjoying free beer. But then they all start complaining that on earth they had sky sport to watch all the matches in the pub. So he goes to work and hey presto the genius has colour television all over hell.
    Well everybody were having a ball drinking beer, lovely and cool watching all the games on Sky all day. The word gets back to god about all the laughing going on in hell so he decides to take a look. He is in complete shock at what he sees saying to the devil. Whats going on here I mean hell is meant to torture these sinners and the devil says well you sent down a brilliant engineer that has done wonders for the place. I'm happy also as nobody is complaining. God says well listen send this fellow back up to me I think I made a mistake. The devil says no and god says I'll sue and the devil says where are you going to get a lawyer.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Two brooms were hanging in the closet.
    after a while they got to know each other so well,
    they decided to get married.

    One broom was,
    of course,
    the bride broom,
    the other,
    the groom broom.

    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
    The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

    The wedding was lovely.

    After the wedding,
    at the wedding dinner,
    the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom:

    'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

    'IMPOSSIBLE!'
    said the groom broom.


    Are you ready for this?

    Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!



















    'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    My Side Of The Story



    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
    Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
    this morning on the phone.
    "Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
    demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
    told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
    This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
    getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to
    realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I
    had to break a window to get my keys.

    Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
    was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally
    got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
    I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
    time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
    against the cash register drawer to make change, and
    they spilled all over the floor.

    I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels;

    the phone was still ringing nonstop.

    When I came up I
    cracked my head on the open cash drawer which
    made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
    of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
    floor and broke.

    Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
    I finally got back to answer it.

    It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

    And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was
    tell her!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    My transvestite friend never looks good in a mini-skirt, but I have to admire his balls for trying.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,897 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake.
    Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.




    A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

    The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'



    I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed.

    Then no more than 5 minutes later I had this incredible urge to ask my girlfriend to marry me.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,145 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Why do people on the north side of Dublin keep pigeons?

    To teach their kids how to walk.

    I need help with this one please. Anyone?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    I need help with this one please. Anyone?

    Pigeons walk with a bobbing head movement to keep balance. He is implying that a certain breed of dub walks with a similar bobbing movement


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,145 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    --Kaiser-- wrote: »
    Pigeons walk with a bobbing head movement to keep balance. He is implying that a certain breed of dub walks with a similar bobbing movement

    Ok, thanks. I must look out for them.......


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    Ok, thanks. I must look out for them.......

    Pigeons? They're everywhere, grey flappy things, like bread


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    --Kaiser-- wrote: »
    Pigeons walk with a bobbing head movement to keep balance. He is implying that a certain breed of dub walks with a similar bobbing movement

    Correct.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    Ok, thanks. I must look out for them.......

    Stand on the South side of the Liffey and look across.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,097 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    Paddy went for a testicle check up last week.

    The little Thai nurse cupped his balls and said, - "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure!".

    Paddy said - "I havent got an erection".

    She replied, - "no, but i have!" :pac:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,145 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Stand on the South side of the Liffey and look across.

    I wouldn't lower myself! ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,886 ✭✭✭✭Roger_007


    --Kaiser-- wrote: »
    Pigeons? They're everywhere, grey flappy things, like bread
    I've never eaten grey flappy bread. What's it like?:D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    I've had to leave communism school beause of my bad Marx.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A wife is dreaming in bed, she
    suddenly wakes up and shouts
    "quick my husband is home!"
    her husband wakes up and jumps out the window.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A golfer is playing at St. Andrews in Scotland on a beautiful hot day when he stops by one of the streams to get a drink.As he puts his hand in to scoop out some water he hears a shout from the greens keeper:”Eh, don drink tha, it’s full a cow ****e an pish!”

    “I’m sorry sir, but could you repeat yourself, I’m from England you see,” says the golfer.

    “I said use two hands so you don’t spill it!”


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men.

    She asked her guide why and he said, “Because they are considered of lesser status.”

    Outraged the journalist went home.

    A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead.

    She turned to her guide and this time asked, “What has changed?”

    The guide answered, “Land mines.”


This discussion has been closed.
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