The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley · 16-08-2013 09:01PM

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I perfer to see the top of her head."

EoghanIRL · 16-08-2013 09:10PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Hagar the Nice. · 16-08-2013 11:56PM

What do you call a sheep with no legs.

A cloud.

j@utis · 17-08-2013 11:25AM

Did you hear about the flasher who flashed at three nuns?
Two had a stroke and third one couldn't reach.

j@utis · 17-08-2013 11:25AM

...

DubCul · 17-08-2013 12:47PM

Hear about the unemployed flasher.....?

Said he'd stick it out a bit longer

stefan idiot jones · 17-08-2013 03:26PM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

What do you call a sheep with no legs.

A cloud.

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Wales ?

A leisure centre.

rolliepoley · 17-08-2013 09:08PM

Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

rolliepoley · 17-08-2013 09:37PM

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

rolliepoley · 17-08-2013 10:34PM

He who stands on the toilet is high on pot.

el diablo · 18-08-2013 03:44AM

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here". The string, without saying a word, walks outside where he proceeds to tie himself into knots and mess up his "hair". When he walks back in and asks for a beer the bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here." "No, he answered, "I'm afraid not".

Q. Do you know what happened to the thief who stole the calendar?
A. He got twelve months...

Daveysil15 · 18-08-2013 05:16PM

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

wexie · 19-08-2013 01:06PM

eugh.....gonna be a long day, when I get home I'll have to tear off my wife's knickers....

they're chafing...

wexie · 19-08-2013 01:06PM

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .'

kennyboy9563 · 19-08-2013 02:28PM

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Shrink and told him:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it, I can't sleep and I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me every week for 6 months and I'll get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
' 50 dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
I quickly calculated that to be 1,200 dollars and told him that i would sleep on it.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, 50 dollars per visit every week for 6 months is an awful lot of money! After meeting you I went to the pub to think about it and got talking to the Irish barman there. He cured me for less than 10 dollars, the price of 2 beers. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I never needed to contact you again.!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of a smart attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did this Irish bartender cure you?'
'Simple, he told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS.........HAVE A DRINK

rolliepoley · 19-08-2013 08:10PM

So two women athletes kissed on the podium to protest Russia's anti gay laws.

They got a standing ovation, from every penis in the stadium.

Mariasofia · 20-08-2013 09:27AM

I just saw an AA van driving down the road and the driver was crying his eyes out.

I reckon he was heading for a breakdown.

Mariasofia · 20-08-2013 09:27AM

Sorry posted twice.

Hootanany · 20-08-2013 10:55AM

"I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

the purple tin · 20-08-2013 11:02AM

A man is driving along the road when he gets a call from his boss. 'Congratulations! You've just been promoted' says the boss, the man is so happy and overwhelmed with this news that he briefly loses control of the car.
As he drives on further his boss rings again and tells him he'll be getting a brand new company car, again overwhelmed by this information he briefly loses control and swerves but manages to right himself.
He continues on down the road when the boss rings a third time and tells him 'you'll be getting a 40% raise in pay'.
This is too much for the man and he swerves off the road and crashes into a tree. Thankfully he is not hurt. After a while, the Gardai arrive. 'What caused the accident?' they ask the man, 'I'm not sure' he replied 'I just careered off the road!'

jimgoose · 20-08-2013 11:05AM

the purple tin wrote: »

A man is driving along the road when he gets a call from his boss. 'Congratulations! You've just been promoted' says the boss, the man is so happy and overwhelmed with this news that he briefly loses control of the car.
As he drives on further his boss rings again and tells him he'll be getting a brand new company car, again overwhelmed by this information he briefly loses control and swerves but manages to right himself.
He continues on down the road when the boss rings a third time and tells him 'you'll be getting a 40% raise in pay'.
This is too much for the man and he swerves off the road and crashes into a tree. Thankfully he is not hurt. After a while, the Gardai arrive. 'What caused the accident?' they ask the man, 'I'm not sure' he replied 'I just careered off the road!'

Oh Jaysis... :pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac:

Quazzie · 20-08-2013 11:06AM

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing on their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Hootanany · 20-08-2013 11:49AM

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

Hagar the Nice. · 20-08-2013 12:05PM

Fella at the bus stop thought I was Jewish,said to me'Any idea what time is the next bus Jew.'

20-08-2013 06:33PM

Oficially the best jokes ever!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23753634

The top 10 were:
Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

Daveysil15 · 20-08-2013 08:14PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Oficially the best jokes ever!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23753634[/QUOTE]

The only good one there is the second one.

rolliepoley · 20-08-2013 09:22PM

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

CastingCouch · 20-08-2013 09:29PM

Milton Jones.

-

"When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.”

everlast75 · 20-08-2013 10:16PM

Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid; I was petrified...

Mr Tibbs · 20-08-2013 10:25PM

I went to visit my elderly grandparents the other day and was shocked to see my dear old grandad sitting in the front garden with nothing on below the waist. Grandad I said what are you doing and he said well I sat out here last week with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck, this is your grandmothers idea.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments