Anyone else not want children?

TPD · 20-06-2013 08:33AM

I'm early twenties and my girlfriend is late twenties. She wants kids and marriage and all that at some point, I've told her I don't. She says she'll give me a few years to change my mind :P

Kintarō Hattori · 20-06-2013 08:35AM

Ciarabear wrote: »

It's really admirable that you would prioritise someone else's happiness so much over your own but I really don't think it's wise for anyone to knowingly produce a child they actively don't want.

A partnership is exactly that Ciara, a partnership. I can't tell her that we're not having children- it's not my decision alone. The desire for a woman to have a child is generally speaking much stronger than in a man.
I'm big enough to forego what I would like in an ideal world- life is about striking a balance and in this instance having a baby is something she absolutely wanted. Choosing not to have a baby does not mean that I won't be a fantastic parent- I will. I will absolutely dote on both of them and be a very involved parent.

Ciarabear · 20-06-2013 08:46AM

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

A partnership is exactly that Ciara, a partnership.

I couldn't agree more, a partnership where both people's happiness is of equal importance. It's about basic compatibility -compromising on the small stuff and sharing the same aspirations for the significant stuff.

I don't think a woman's desire to have a child makes her happiness more important than anyone else's.

seamus · 20-06-2013 08:49AM

No need to get defensive Kintaro, just trying to be helpful. I respect your willingness to sacrifice your happiness for her sake, I'm just a little concerned that your language around it is somewhat negative, so I'm trying to help suggest ways that can help relieve the stress you will experience. If you go into this thinking that you're taking on a burden, then you will have difficulty shaking that resentment when you're rocking a child to sleep at 5am and you haven't slept more than 2 consecutive hours in the last week.

There's no way I can say this without sounding condescending as hell, but you're not prepared. But that's OK, because it's not possible to be fully prepared, and you will realise that when you get into it.

Kintarō Hattori · 20-06-2013 08:49AM

Ciarabear wrote: »

I couldn't agree more, a partnership where both people's happiness is of equal importance. It's about basic compatibility -compromising on the small stuff and sharing the same aspirations for the significant stuff.

I don't think a woman's desire to have a child makes her happiness more important than anyone else's.

I don't believe I said that but I'm big enough to see that it's very important to her and I have no problem in making this compromise. I'm mature enough to have a holistic view of things and know fully what I'm getting myself into.

The simple nuts and bolts of the thing is that I'm big enough to make the decision and be happy with it. I don't have a problem with it and I can't see how anyone else could.

Kintarō Hattori · 20-06-2013 08:52AM

seamus wrote: »

No need to get defensive Kintaro, just trying to be helpful. I respect your willingness to sacrifice your happiness for her sake, I'm just a little concerned that your language around it is somewhat negative, so I'm trying to help suggest ways that can help relieve the stress you will experience. If you go into this thinking that you're taking on a burden, then you will have difficulty shaking that resentment when you're rocking a child to sleep at 5am and you haven't slept more than 2 consecutive hours in the last week.

There's no way I can say this without sounding condescending as hell, but you're not prepared. But that's OK, because it's not possible to be fully prepared, and you will realise that when you get into it.

Oh Seamus, I'm not being defensive- I'm sorry if it came out that way. The reality is I know what I'm doing and I'm fine with my decision.

I don't see it as being negative- in fact quite the opposite. I don't have any negative connotations about the decision I've undertook- I've simply been very honest and upfront.... perhaps that's where any confusion may lie.

XxMCRxBabyxX · 20-06-2013 09:00AM

Erper wrote: »

Saying those things makes you selfish, and if the world thinks like that than we are all doomed..

If you are in love ONLY with yourself and want only to feel great than ive nothing to say to you anymore...

I'll tell you what's selfish. Me having children and putting them through a life with a mother who is depressed, epileptic and likely to have a recurrence of cancer. Is that fair on them?

I don't think so. I haven't fully decided whether I want children or not but the above reasons don't help the do arguments. I don't plan on children for another 10 years though anyway so I do have plenty of time to decide.

Legs.Eleven · 20-06-2013 09:02AM

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Oh Seamus, I'm not being defensive- I'm sorry if it came out that way. The reality is I know what I'm doing and I'm fine with my decision.

I don't see it as being negative- in fact quite the opposite. I don't have any negative connotations about the decision I've undertook- I've simply been very honest and upfront.... perhaps that's where any confusion may lie.

I'd say a lot of fellas go through what you're going through. I know my own brother was like you before he had his own but now he loves his kid/my nephew more than anything. I can imagine you can't but love them.

I suppose it's something us women have been stewing over our whole lives. We're reminded once a month of what's going on downstairs and it feels more real as a result and as women, it's a decision we all have to make in the end. Men have the extra obstacle of having to meet someone to have a kid with in the first place and perhaps the whole thing seems too abstract to really decide whether it's something yous want or not. I dunno.

Perhaps it's not so much a case of wanting to have kids for most men but more a case of whether you want to have kids with the particular woman you're with? Perhaps it's not even something you consider until you meet a specific person who you can imagine raising a kid with?

Tar.Aldarion · 20-06-2013 09:13AM

We have cats, that's all we need. I am shocked that you and your soon-to-be wife have never talked about this?!

Lams · 20-06-2013 09:20AM

I'll say one thing, you never know for sure that you don't want children until you have them.

Frank Black · 20-06-2013 09:25AM

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

We have cats, that's all we need. I am shocked that you and your soon-to-be wife have never talked about this?!

Why would the OP and his fiancée be discussing you and your cats?

Gyalist · 20-06-2013 09:27AM

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

I'm in my mid 30s and I don't want kids..... but we're having one. My other half really wants one and her happiness is paramount to me so we are. Ideally though it would just be the two of us.

10 years or so ago I'd walk with my son to school on Grovesnor Rd. then get the bus to work in the city centre. Most days you'd get on the same bus at the next stop, always well turned-out in your work uniform. Soon you'll probably be doing a similar school run!

The circle of life, eh?

seosamh1980 · 20-06-2013 09:38AM

gowley wrote: »

lol. dont knock till youve tried it

Right, so then if I try it and I don't like it what happens, keep my receipt?

Cienciano wrote: »

Think if you write down the pros and cons for children to weigh it up, I can safely say kids aren't for you

I didn't write them down, but when I think about it in my head no pro comes to mind, just the cons. Right now I really can't think of one pro....spare parts maybe?

beks101 wrote: »

I'm female, 28 and my body aint screaming anything at me except "I want chocolate"

Exactly!

Edit: OP if the invites are gone out and you're changing your mind you need to sort this ASAP.

Kintarō Hattori · 20-06-2013 09:38AM

Gyalist wrote: »

10 years or so ago I'd walk with my son to school on Grovesnor Rd. then get the bus to work in the city centre. Most days you'd get on the same bus at the next stop, always well turned-out in your work uniform. Soon you'll probably be doing a similar school run!

The circle of life, eh?

I think this warrants a pm!

OldNotWIse · 20-06-2013 09:44AM

I want a baby but I dont like the idea of it turning into a child and then a teenager

Malari · 20-06-2013 09:53AM

All I want is cats.

Sadly my boyfriend doesn't feel the same. He'd also like a dog. :pac:

Tar.Aldarion · 20-06-2013 10:00AM

Frank Black wrote: »

Why would the OP and his fiancée be discussing you and your cats?

What else do internet people talk about but cats? :pac:

Canis Lupus · 20-06-2013 10:03AM

Malari wrote: »

All I want is cats. Sadly my boyfriend doesn't feel the same. He'd also like a dog. :pac:

Dogs are infinitely superior.

Erper · 20-06-2013 10:04AM

in the end all of you might change your mind and want a kid but its gonna be like this:

CruelCoin · 20-06-2013 10:04AM

seamus wrote: »

Well because the only purpose of existence is to procreate.

Is it? I reckon it's to have a good time.

seamus wrote: »

In evolutionary terms, a species which loses the desire to procreate, dies. Look at Pandas. So in the most literal sense he's correct that not wanting children is evolutionarily detrimental. The people who are baby mad are the ones with their evolutionary foot forward.

Evolution means change. Having piles of kids isn't any different to what we've been doing for thousands of years.

The replacement rate in ireland is 2.3 or thererabouts. If you have 3 or more kids, all you're doing is adding to the resource stress.

seamus wrote: »

There's a common misconception that being more cerebral, intellectual and in control of one's baser self make you "more evolved". This isn't the case. Evolution isn't a race to become a intellectual super being, evolution is just a race to procreate, over and over again.

Becoming more cerebral, etc is to embrace change, a significant change to the "shag, shag for the good of the species!" of yester-millenia.

Malari · 20-06-2013 10:07AM

Canis Lupus wrote: »

Dogs are infinitely superior.

Sunshine, you haven't met my cat :cool:

Malari · 20-06-2013 10:15AM

CruelCoin wrote: »

Is it? I reckon it's to have a good time.

Evolution means change. Having piles of kids isn't any different to what we've been doing for thousands of years.

The replacement rate in ireland is 2.3 or thererabouts. If you have 3 or more kids, all you're doing is adding to the resource stress.

Becoming more cerebral, etc is to embrace change, a significant change to the "shag, shag for the good of the species!" of yester-millenia.

No, evolution does not mean change. The purpose is to reproduce. Getting to reproduce means being more attractive to the opposite sex, for whatever reason. That drives natural selection. Individuals are not reproducing for the good of the species, it's for the good of themselves.

Frank Black · 20-06-2013 10:28AM

Malari wrote: »

No, evolution does not mean change.

Er, yeah, it does actually.

Malari · 20-06-2013 10:42AM

Frank Black wrote: »

Er, yeah, it does actually.

Not in the way CruelCoin was explaining it. S/He was saying that having kids is no different to what we were doing years ago, which is true, but that does not mean we "evolve" to not have kids!

rox5 · 20-06-2013 10:59AM

I don't think I would. It's not that I do not like children, I just don't think I would be any good at raising kids. Also if I do change my mind in a few years, I would want to make sure the partner I have is my soulmate for life, or if not at least make sure they are a huge part of their lives, because my father left when i was younger and I did not see him that much as he had a lot of personal stuff going on, so I don't want that for my own children, I want them to have a father figure in their lives.

seamus · 20-06-2013 11:02AM

Malari wrote: »

Individuals are not reproducing for the good of the species, it's for the good of themselves.

That's not strictly true. Many traits have been identified across many species (including our own) which an individual possesses that are detrimental to the individual, but which improve the survival and procreating abilities of that individual's community. But you're right in principle - the individual themselves is unaware of the evolutionary effect and are just doing what they've be programmed to do.

In the biological sense, evolution of a species only means one thing - being better at procreating. All other change is superfluous and in many cases leads to evolutionary dead ends and extinctions.

CuppaCocoa · 20-06-2013 11:05AM

looking_around wrote: »

Actually biologically, the body screams "get pregnant". Even women who never wanted kids, often go through a period before menopause where they get very "baby" orientated, some give in, some don't.
But, it's a biological thing... they're hardly at fault fot that...

Eh, no! Never had any longing at all. My biological clock never ticked and it's too late now

Lams · 20-06-2013 11:08AM

CruelCoin wrote: »

Is it? I reckon it's to have a good time.

Evolution means change. Having piles of kids isn't any different to what we've been doing for thousands of years.

The replacement rate in ireland is 2.3 or thererabouts. If you have 3 or more kids, all you're doing is adding to the resource stress.

Becoming more cerebral, etc is to embrace change, a significant change to the "shag, shag for the good of the species!" of yester-millenia.

Often times people who become more "cerebral" lose touch with their essence or aliveness inside and it often results in depression and lack of joy.

Pumpkinseeds · 20-06-2013 11:09AM

I've always found the condescending attitude that parents show to people who don't want kids to be extremely patronising. I'm a 40 year old woman, I never wanted children and I made it clear to my husband when we first started dating that I never ever would want children.

I really have no interest in other peoples kids. I don't care whether or not people want to have families, that is a personal choice. Frankly I don't want my boobs down to my knees, my nether region to be as baggy as a bin liner or to spend my days covered in sick while cleaning shi*tty bottoms.

If you want kids fine, go ahead and have them but ffs just sod off and stop bothering those of us who don't want them, I'm much happier enjoying debauched afternoons in bed with my husband than I ever would taking care of a child:P:D

neonman · 20-06-2013 11:12AM

OP - You need to call off the wedding ASAP or get your head out of your arse.

Cousin of mine got married (wasn't 100% committed) marriage didn't last even a year and he split up with his wife. He looked like a right tool, I've no respect for him what so ever. Not mentioning the cost of the wedding but all your guests forking out money to witness a lie is no joke.

This is no longer about wanting kids or not.

Anyone else not want children?

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