Things you'd like to say to them

inlikeflynn86 · 17-04-2013 10:11am

Nan,

I dreamt of you last night, it was so real. I could even smell your scent. You were knitting your cardigans and blanket for bean and I cried, begging you not to leave. You were given out saying that you'll be here and when October comes you'll be with me the whole way.... When I woke up I felt so calm, also felt queasy as if baby bean was telling me he's still there and not going anywhere....
I'm so scared something will happen and I feel like I can't tell anyone

It kills me thinking your not here with us. I know you'd want to be involved in everything, from picking the pram to buying the baby grows even though we'd be arguing about everything, as usual

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you xxx

LegacyUser · 10-06-2013 8:50pm

Gran,
sometimes I feel really stupid still crying over you. It was your sister's 8th anniversary recently....which means it's less than six months to yours. Which means seven and a half years have gone past. I have missed you every day of those years and months and I'm really missing you today for some reason. I'd love to call round for a cuppa and some slightly burnt toast. (why did you never just turn the toaster down a notch?!) I'm crying now as I write this, and I don't know why!

You would have been the first one to console me, knowing how hard it is to lose someone you love so much. You buried your husband, son and grandson within five short years of one another. You re-trained as a bereavement counsellor to try and help others who'd lost people. You always reached out to people, and everything you did, you did from a place of caring, from a place of compassion, from a place of love. I try and remember that when I'm upset, because love is what gets us through
.
I wish you were here to see everyone. My first niece, your first great-granchild is going into secondary school, in the school you went to, and later taught in. She's amazing, so caring, so considerate-so like you, without her realising. Imagine, in a few months time, that glass corridor you walked through daily for several years, and where later your music room was, will have seen your daughters, your grandaughter and your great-grandaughter wander through them. It's funny how the little things can link generations.

When I was there, I hated our shared name. I was the only Ita out of 750 schoolmates, and could never do anything in school without being told what a wonderful a name I had, how lucky I was to have been named after such a wonderful woman. I would smile politely and mumble back something, hating the fact that I was always known, could never find the anonymity I wanted as a teenager. It's only as I've gotten older that I appreciate my name - your name - and the immediate warmth of others, when I mention my name and yours, who grab my arm, or with a smile and a gentle grasp of my hand, tell me how wonderful you were and how much you're missed. It's all I can do to keep smiling and say "I miss her too" without breaking down and bawling.

Some days i miss you more than others and I don't know why. Today is one of those days. I started counselling a while ago (another story for another time Gran) and my counselor suggested I write to you, because she felt I might have something left unsaid and that's why I'm still grieving for you. All I can think of is my uncertainty over you knowing just how much I loved you, and always will. I dread the day when Mum passes, because I've lost you and that broke my heart; I can't even begin to imagine how much it will hurt then.

I don't know what else to say Gran. I wish you were still here. Would you still burn the toast and scrape off the burnt parts? Would you still want scallions sliced through your sandwiches? Would you still make the most comforting cup of tea? Would you still stay up late watching random movies that caught your attention on tv? (I'll never forget you giving out to Dirty Harry for "not just shooting your man earlier in the street when he had the chance" so you'd have been able to go to bed early instead of staying up to watch that punk trying to remember how many bullets there were....!)

I have that recording of you and Mum chatting, and sometimes, when I listen to it, I close my eyes and it feels like you're just in the corner of the room. I wish you were. I don't know what else to say. I'm so proud to have been your grandaughter and to have shared your name. I wish my faith was as strong as yours-when I listen to the Streets (you'd have hated the music, but liked some of the lyrics....) I think of you. Especially during the song "Never went to Church" because I never did when you were around.

The first weekend that I went back to work in England after you passed away, I went to mass. The priest was Irish, the seat I sat in was dedicated to St. Joseph (who your husband was named after) , the stained window read "Sancta Maria" (the name of the hotel you & your husband ran) and there was a girl with Downs Syndrome in front of me who sang along with hymns out of tune, just like my big sis does. Thanks for making it feel like it was the right thing to do. I miss you, I love you, I wish you were here. I hope I can live up to your name. Coladh samh Gran, gra mor,XxX

"I never went to church,
Just get on with work and sometimes things'll hurt,
But it's hit me since you left us,
And it's so hard not to search.

If you were still about,
I'd ask you what I'm supposed to do now,
I just get a bit scared,
Every now,
Hope I made you proud."

daenerysstormborn3 · 10-06-2013 11:26pm

I feel like you're so far away. It'll be two years in October. Two years already! You won't be here to see us get married, you won't be here to eventually see the grandchild that would've been a huge, significant, constant part of your life and you won't be here to see J graduate. I can't believe all the things you won't be here to share with us. I miss you so much everyday. I miss you good-naturedly making fun of me while at the same time always being a shoulder to cry on, literally. It's awful being without you.

sillymoo · 16-06-2013 10:19am

Happy father's day dad xxx

Rubberlegs · 16-06-2013 6:47pm

Happy Father's Day. Hope you have a huge box of Roses, and endless cups of tea:D

SusieBlue · 26-06-2013 7:44pm

You would have been 2 years old this month, Maisy. TWO! You'd be walking and talking and we'd probably be starting to think about potty training. You'd be a little girl and not the baby I always imagine in my mind. You'll always be a baby, to me.

I was dreading this month, truly, its just full of broken dreams, miserable grief and overwhelming sadness for me. I can't wait for Monday, July will be better.

We celebrated your birthday with a family barbecue. Your dad and I hadn't been getting along all too well in the last couple of months but I know you were watching over us, guiding us back together, where we belong. All of your aunties and uncles were there, your godparents and your cousins. You have a new little baby cousin called Sophie and I know your her guardian angel. She reminds me of you a lot when I look at her.

I miss you a lot. I was doing really well but then June sucker punched me in the heart and I feel like I'm falling again. Onwards and upwards though, I know its what you'd want. What little girl would want two miserable parents?

We're doing our best. I love you. x

girl_friday · 28-06-2013 6:53pm

Missing you a lot this last week. Think it was doing the garden that did it... Would love to have a proper chat with you. I thought I'd have forever to do that. I wish I'd told you I loved you that night, I'm so afraid that you died not knowing.

princess-lala · 02-07-2013 12:53am

Nanny I just want a hug and kiss from you! Miss you soooooo much

stop animal cruelty · 02-07-2013 1:37pm

grandad Joe,

I wish you were around for longer so we would have gotten to know eachother better. I know you were such a good decent man, even tho I was only 3 when you passed away I still really really really wish you were around

Im very proud you're my grandfather

x

EdenHazard · 03-07-2013 2:06am

I miss you mum, but I can't live my life missing you, you were too important and big an influence for me to spend the rest of my life wishing you were here. Its weird when you were here I would take about what happens when we die, all these life questions. I always thought 'nah, this is it' but then when you left this world it changed. I'm not sure where you have gone, but I trust you are still around I just hope wherever you are though isn't 'endlessly sitting around on clouds, it wouldn't really be you. You better still be as funny, ditzy, quirky and as cute as you were here. You are my best friend and I adore you but I'm sure I told u this enough while u were here so not a big surprise. I'll see u eventually, u better have those burgers u made waiting for me. thinking of you forever and always with a smile with maybe a hint of a tear. You are my everything. Hasta luego mi amigaaaaaa!

cuana · 04-08-2013 3:22am

I'm not coping very well today! I just cannot describe the feeling though I've being getting on with things with a new job, new location, new start but its just so fcuked up!

I worked all day chatted, smiled, even cracked a few jokes all the while I just wanted to get out to get away! No one knows our story here which I'm kinda grateful for

So today I arrived home after my day & not being able to sleep I started watching the series skins its ironic as I know full well it wouldn't be to your taste!! anyhow at the end of one scene the music struck me so I googled it

The song is called Start Again! Has me in tears since

Talib Fiasco · 09-08-2013 11:57am

R.I.P. Nana.

Although I didn't get to say goodbye to you in your last moments yesterday morning, I cherish the last time I saw you a few days ago when you were still in great shape, still smiling, still fighting. I'll never forget your bubbly smile and your terrific memory. I'll never forget all the prayers you said for me when I needed them most. I know they made a difference. You buried your husband, your son and all your siblings before you even though you were the eldest. I'll never forget your fighting spirit and your importance for friends and family.

God bless your soul, rest in peace Nana.

Thank you for everything

x x x

princess-lala · 11-08-2013 9:42am

Nanny, I need your help and wise words

Galwayguy35 · 11-08-2013 9:55am

Mam you will soon be gone 6 years, walking in to the room and finding you lying there was the worst day of my life.

I know I gave you many sleepless nights worrying about my problems with alcohol but at least you got to see me turn my life around.

You were my best friend as well as my mother and I miss the chats we used to have about everything and nothing.

John Mason · 15-08-2013 9:57am

1 year gone, Noelie. how can it feel like a lifetime and a second at the same time.

i will never forget that phone call. i miss you so much, i am still angry at you but not as much. i dont understand and i never will.

You have changed eveyone's lives and not for the better but we are getting on with it.

I really wish you had a "it's a wonderful life" moment, so you could clearly see what you were going to leave behind.

love you chief, now and always x

merlie · 13-09-2013 5:07pm

Still after all this time since we broke up in 2009 and when you passed away suddenly in 2012, I have never stopped loving you or missing you, you stupid man. I never understood why you made things so complicated and feeling that I was the one at fault for the break up. You knew how much I loved you yet you turned away and despite all of this, we remained close friends. As you and I had said we never wanted each other out of each others life and when you told me that a part of you would always love me. I knew I would never be out of your life despite us not being together. I guess you know now how much I love you, through whatever life has thrown at us and no matter how bad, I have always loved you. You know my heart and I do get mad at you for being so stupid. I cry a lot still. I guess I have always been in mourning for our relationship and now your passing. I never thought I would see you go like that. If I had one wish only, I would wish you back, but not to me, but to where you were are, because that would be where you were in your life, and I would have my hopes and dreams back, for us to be together again. I always lived in hope. Now I hope to meet with you again when my time comes and for us to be together. You left me twice, so please do not make it a third. I love you always and forever xxx

John Mason · 16-09-2013 2:22pm

I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt that you werent dead, it was hoax because you had no money, you had to fake your own death but you were back now, as it was all sorted.

i am holding on to the idea that's it's true because i know that wasnt you lying in the funeral home, i know you wouldnt leave us like that.

TheminxIRL · 28-09-2013 12:25am

John this morning you passed away, you fought a hard fight and seemed to be on the mend.

Why now, why just as you seemed to be finally recovering after three long years of pain and suffering?

You were in remission, you had come out on top, you were home with your wife and kids after nearly two years in hospital. You had it all to look forward to, watching your kids grow up. Your check up yesterday in Dublin went well, they were delighted with your progress, you were getting your feeding tube removed and could focus on the future.

Why now, its so unfair for you to check out on us when we were all relieved to see you get back to normal.

Im not really angry with you, just the injustice of it all.

Hope you were met by Dad when you did pass, ye can catch up on everything and you can fill him in on all that's going on.

We all love you and are shocked and so saddened at the moment, maybe you can let us know some way that you are looking down on us, anything, any way just to let us know you had a safe journey and are completely well now.

Sleep tight big brro

cuana · 28-09-2013 1:21am

TheminxIRL wrote: »

John this morning you passed away, you fought a hard fight and seemed to be on the mend.

Why now, why just as you seemed to be finally recovering after three long years of pain and suffering?

You were in remission, you had come out on top, you were home with your wife and kids after nearly two years in hospital. You had it all to look forward to, watching your kids grow up. Your check up yesterday in Dublin went well, they were delighted with your progress, you were getting your feeding tube removed and could focus on the future.

Why now, its so unfair for you to check out on us when we were all relieved to see you get back to normal.

Im not really angry with you, just the injustice of it all.

Hope you were met by Dad when you did pass, ye can catch up on everything and you can fill him in on all that's going on.

We all love you and are shocked and so saddened at the moment, maybe you can let us know some way that you are looking down on us, anything, any way just to let us know you had a safe journey and are completely well now.

Sleep tight big brro

Virtual hugs for you may he RIP

inlikeflynn86 · 04-10-2013 10:20pm

Nanny,

It will be 4 years this month, even though it feels like yesterday we lost you.

But this is it. I'm going to be a mammy in the next 2 weeks. October will no longer be a month of mourning. It will be a month of celebration. Im so excited but freaking out! I can actually hear you telling me to cop on to myself and to enjoy it.

We found more little cardigans and a white blanket, washed already. I cant wait to put bean in them

Please be with me through this and watch over bean and Shane, whos a little buster xx

Miss you loads xx

S xx

lukesmom · 05-10-2013 11:59am

Hi Paul.

A quarter of a century old now. Wish u were here. If there's a heaven I'm sure you'll enjoy your birthday this weekend. Love you forever little bro. 2 years feels like a month ago.

Xxxxxxx

Mam of 4 · 11-10-2013 7:15pm

Happy 21st birthday Christopher.

No birthday cards,balloons or party for any of your birthdays. I often try to imagine who you would have looked like, I have an image of you with dark hair in my head for some reason, I dunno..

Guilt, after all this time I still feel guilty, blame myself, regret not holding you when you were born, but you were so so tiny and fragile,just a little over 250grams weight,your skin was transluscent,but you were perfect,a beautiful but tiny tiny baby. I was afraid I'd hurt you, stupid I know, not logical at all but that was my fear, even though you were an Angel before you were born. ..

Happy Birthday Son x.

SusieBlue · 11-10-2013 7:19pm

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Happy 21st birthday Christopher.

No birthday cards,balloons or party for any of your birthdays. I often try to imagine who you would have looked like, I have an image of you with dark hair in my head for some reason, I dunno..

Guilt, after all this time I still feel guilty, blame myself, regret not holding you when you were born, but you were so so tiny I was afraid I'd hurt you, stupid I know, not logical at all but that was my fear, even though you were an Angel before you were born. ..

Happy Birthday Son x.

Happy Birthday Christopher xx

Thinking of you @mamof4, look after yourself x

Mam of 4 · 11-10-2013 7:22pm

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Happy Birthday Christopher xx

Thinking of you @mamof4, look after yourself x

Thank you White Roses

x

inlikeflynn86 · 13-10-2013 3:18pm

inlikeflynn86 wrote: »

Nanny,

It will be 4 years this month, even though it feels like yesterday we lost you.

But this is it. I'm going to be a mammy in the next 2 weeks. October will no longer be a month of mourning. It will be a month of celebration. Im so excited but freaking out! I can actually hear you telling me to cop on to myself and to enjoy it.

We found more little cardigans and a white blanket, washed already. I cant wait to put bean in them

Please be with me through this and watch over bean and Shane, whos a little buster xx

Miss you loads xx

S xx

He's here, all 6lb 15 ounces of him. Im in love, he's just a little prince. I probably have my baby blues but I wish you were here xx

I called him after grandad too xx

Novella · 14-10-2013 2:10am

Grandad,

It's been one month and three days now.

I wish I'd made it home from America before you passed away. I would've liked to thank you for the past twenty-four years. To thank you for all of the amazing memories. I miss the Sunday visits, and seeing your call on my phone if I was even five minutes late!

You had a long and wonderful life, and for that I am grateful, but with somebody like you, no amount of time was ever going to be enough.

I hope that wherever you are now, you're happy. My uncle and granny have joined you in the last month, so it's been a difficult time. You were always my person when things got tough. Take care of me, like you always did.

Lots of love.

cocker5 · 16-10-2013 3:24pm

It’s now been 13 months since I’ve seen you, spoke with you and held your hand.

It’s not getting any easier, I now realise that you are never coming back, I’ll never be able to say the things I want to say, I will never see you standing in the kitchen window when I drive up.

The past 13 months have been hell if I’m honest, initially it felt like you were on an extended holiday where we couldn’t reach you… but now the sad reality is hitting home.

I miss you, we miss you, I think about you every day…. I wish I could just talk with you one last time…. To know if you are happy (wherever you are) and if you’re ok….

You were only sick for 18 weeks, 18 weeks of hell, but throughout your whole illness you never showed any anger, or any resentment (why you? You were only 58).

When I asked you were you angry, were response was “better me than someone else”… you never complained or gave out when I had to inject you each day (even though I made sh*te of it).

You fought your cancer with such grace and dignity that I saw a new side of you, an amazing side, a strong person, selfless and grateful to have lived your 58 years (even though I feel you were robbed… we were robbed).

Life isn’t complete without you, a part of me died on the day you passed away, I miss you, I love you (always)..

I hope and pray someday we will meet again….

NIMAN · 18-10-2013 3:18am

20 years ago today you left us, still miss you Dad.

cuana · 19-10-2013 11:52pm

Well darling! I actually think grief gets harder as time goes by personally I think people saying things like time heals is BullSh!t! I'm also more then a little bit homesick so that doesn't help, I haven't had the comfort of my close friendships or family down here so I'm missing the social side of things too. I've got some time off coming up & made loads of plans so I look forward to it.

I cry a lot more now you know anything could bloody set me off these days. I relayed a story the other day & it struck me in my thinking when I just said god what a great memory to have! It made me laugh but deep down it hurt I was slightly choked trying to control the emotion. If there is such a thing as other world influences I'd like to think you influenced it that memory it was a good one!

I do wonder how everyone else is coping I've not really kept up much contact with everyone though I know I should. I didn't to the church for your anniversary mass either I know you'd have loved the gathering but you weren't really anyway religious or spiritual. I was secretly cringing/angry for you with the religious stuff though I know you'd be ok with it if others took comfort from it.

Your birthday is coming up soon!! You'd have been closer to the big 40 then you'd like to think :rolleyes:

cocker5 · 10-11-2013 12:17am

Happy 60th birthday mam...

I never thought we would be 'celebrating' this birthday on opposite sides of the universe.

I miss you, I will always miss you , I know this in my heart, times isn't a healer, the pain doesn't go away , we just learn to 'deal' with the loss, keep it inside...

I'm heartbroken, but I hope wherever you are your having a happy birthday xxxx

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.. I hope someday I see your smiling face again,

I love you xxx

myotherself · 07-12-2013 9:19pm

ahh dude....it's a little over 3 years since you left us. Two things today. Somehow, my screensaver got stuck on that photo of you and the gang, even thought it's suppose to change every few minutes. I had to go in and physically select something to get the pictures moving again.
And even though it was almost 2 months before Christmas when you passed,you chose one of my favourite christmas songs to be played at your funeral. And now it's a Saturday night and I'm lazing about watching a silly cheesy christmas movie called Deck the Halls and they all started singing it and now I'm bawling. I know you'd find that hilarious. I miss you buddy,xx

JumpShivers · 24-12-2013 12:05am

In my whole 20 years, I've always wanted something for Christmas. This year, I can't think of a single thing. Mam has asked me countless numbers of times these past few weeks is there anything at all that I'd want. What do you give the girl who has everything? I have a good family, a great boyfriend, everything.

I miss you dad. I'm wrapping presents right now. I don't want anything, in fact I'm planning on spoiling everybody as much as I can. I'm giving presents to people out there who would appreciate them more.

There's times when I miss you like crazy, and it's not the days like Fathers Day. It's small moments when it hits me again, like something as small as wrapping Christmas presents.

No amount of crying or wishing will ever bring you back. It's been two years. I just want that one small "Happy Christmas" or "Happy New Year".

Assassin saphir · 25-12-2013 11:10am

4 weeks today.The house is empty without you. I put up the crib for you and had a silent drink with you last night. I can still feel you with us but I'd give anything to hear your voice and hold your soft hands.We love and miss you everyday.
Happy Christmas x x

CaraMay · 25-12-2013 9:30pm

We were lost without you today xx

DeltaWhite · 09-01-2014 9:54pm

This has been the first year that I haven't thought about you as much. You're still on my mind every now and then.. I guess I got a bit of a shock when C told me to cop on and start moving on. Even though he didn't say it harshly, I was a bit p*ssed to be honest. He obviously just doesn't understand how hard it is to let go of a best friend. Especially when I feel the "friends" I associate with now are not the best people for me.
Maybe he was right to tell me that. But I don't appreciate being told how to deal with grief. It's 7 years in June so I guess it is time to stop getting so upset on your anniversary, I should celebrate your life instead. Nobody truly understands what I feel inside. I don't miss you as much as I did which is maybe a positive thing. When I think back to the ache in my heart when you first died, I'm glad I don't feel that anymore. There was a time when I couldn't even think of you without crying.

I met with up with Deb twice this year, while I don't agree with some of her life choices I still love the girl to bits. Her burns are so bad but I think I needed to see her. We had such a laugh together and though your name came up a few times, we didn't get upset. Maybe that was good closure for me. Her hands and face may have been destroyed but at least she's living her life with her kids and fiancé. She hasn't changed one bit. I look back fondly when I think of our teen years and the stuff we got up to! I still laugh at the memories to this day.

I've only gone to your grave 3 times last year. But you always knew I hated graves and I think you would understand, I hope so anyway.

Still miss you and I hope your soul is at peace.

X

axel rose · 15-02-2014 12:17am

I'd like to apologise for my rant. I said things that were bang out of order. You're dead, you've been dead some time time now. I need to stop being angry with you for all the stupid things that go wrong on me.

I'll try and stop now.

LegacyUser · 15-02-2014 12:47am

I hated having to go away for a few days that time two years ago. I rushed back on the train on 14th February terrified you'd be gone too far to ever know me again. I noticed on the train that I was wearing a fecking red cardigan and everyone would think I did it on purpose with the day it was. I rushed to the hospital and you were lying there, your eyes closed and miles away. I was told you hadn't been good the few days I was gone. I sat next to you and then a nurse came into the room. I stood up talking to her and then I felt it, something tugging on the back of my cardigan. I turned and there you were, eyes open staring up at me and your hand outstretched pulling my cardigan towards you. They brought food and you ate it from me. You hadn't eaten in 3 days while I was gone. You still knew who I was Dad and it meant everything to me. A few weeks later you were gone.
Dad, I wore that cardigan today and didn't give a thought what anybody would think or say. I wore it remembering you and our special valentine's day x

SusieBlue · 17-02-2014 9:16am

I don't know what's more painful, missing the baby that you were, or imagining the little girl you'd be now. So many unanswered questions. I had so many hopes and dreams not just for you, but for both of us, for our lives together.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. People ask do I have children, what do I say? Yes? No? If I say yes, I have to explain what happened, which is followed by an awkward "I'm so sorry". If I say no, I'm denying you ever existed, which is something I've been fighting to recognise since you were born sleeping. You were very much a person and a real part of our lives, so if I say no I cancel all that out. I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me and pitying me. The condolences of an aquaintance I'm chatting to are no comfort and won't bring you back.

In so many ways I'm totally ready to move on, but in others, I just can't. I don't want to make other people fell uncomfortable, or pity for me, but I can't pretend you were never here either.

I ache for it all to have been a nightmare and for you to be here with us now.

Scar Tissue · 03-03-2014 1:27am

Today you went surrounded by your doting wife of 63 years, your sister, your daughter, five sons and the grandkids.
You went after 5 long days of battling and indeed 6 years of overall poor health.
You waited until the 2 days after your 88th birthday.
You waited until your son came over from England and your sister came up from Clare.
You went when you felt ready and not a second before, like we knew you would, like you always were.

In the end, we'll all miss you terribly, especially mum and nan.. It hasn't sunk in yet for them, but when it does we'll be there for them like they always were for you so don't worry. The strength you showed the last few years is something I'll never forget, through the crippling back problems, the falls, the confusion, everything you always had a smile on your face when we spent time together. I wish I visited more than I did, I really do and I hope you heard me when I quietly apologised on Wednesday. Everyone has been saying how much alike you I look in your wedding picture, 63 years ago and that I got my height from you but most of all I'd like to think that even if I got half of the strength you've shown in battling through the health problems these last years then I will be set to face anything in my own time. 63 years married, it still blows my mind.. it's something some couples can only dream of, having someone by their side, night and day holding their hand like nan did.

I'll never forget your towering frame but how no matter what day I was having after school, you'd always be there sitting in your chair with a smile or a joke to welcome me in.. Remember that day in the football stadium where even when I mustn't have been more than 5 or 6 you still let me score all the goals and got me an ice-cream after? I'll always cherish that.

There must be a plumbing leak in Heaven and that's why you were called up, nobody else could do the job like you could.

Happy Birthday Da, Godbless.

D1stant · 10-03-2014 9:44pm

To Maisie's mum:

"She lived her span of life, within your body and within your love".

banie01 · 11-03-2014 12:56pm

Kate, its been a really strange few weeks!
It would've/should've been the 18th anniversary of our 1st meeting last week

I miss you, I miss us....
All the time I was upset and heartsick I was being looked after, I was being minded and loved!
And for that...I am lucky and I hope that I can repay her in some small way the love I have been shown.
I won't lie that dichotomy of missing you, while being with someone I love and who loves me really is a headscratcher but I'll learn to deal with it, without feeling soul destroying guilt or as if I'm cheating on ye both....
Eventually

Then for a while I really did think that at least one of the writers for How I Met Your Mother is following me around!
Because when the ''Mother's'' How I met Your Father story episode was on, and how her little story arc paralleled ours...
The words she said to her friend's about love, about buying a lottery ticket and winning the jackpot and that surely there was no point in trying to find to love again because noone could be that lucky twice....
To the moment where she walked outside to talk to the sky and ask ''permission'' to try and move on.....
That whole episode left me heartbroken, it really did silly as that sounds

Then I remember something, Its not that I'm being followed or inspiring anyone to write ''my'' story.
Its that other people have loved and lost too, and so many of the experiences are common to us all.
I still find myself talking to you, and I always will....

Love ya more than chips Babe

CaraMay · 11-03-2014 1:28pm

Banie you deserve two great loves as one was taken from you too soon. Glad all is going so well for you with your 'new' lady as I remember your posts leading up to you two getting together. Enjoy.

cocker5 · 13-03-2014 11:02am

Its been nearly 18 months now and its not getting any better, if anything its getting worse.
The deep sense of loss and longing to speak with you just one last time is nearly too much to bear.

Cheesy I know but these words sum up exactly how I feel....

How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you,
And longer if I can

How long will I need you?
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan

I miss you Mum, there will never be a day where I dont think of you, long to speak with you or just even see you one last time..

Taltos · 15-03-2014 8:09am

CaraMay wrote: »

Banie you deserve two great loves as one was taken from you too soon. Glad all is going so well for you with your 'new' lady as I remember your posts leading up to you two getting together. Enjoy.

Agree with this. Maybe you just bring out the big softie in me banie but your posts always bring a tear to my eye but a smile as well. Wishing you all the best always.

Mr McBoatface · 15-03-2014 10:00pm

Just over five weeks since you passed, in that time our first born, our beautiful honey moon daughter has had her sixth birthday and tonight her first tooth fell out. She's so excited and I'm devastated that you aren't here to see her and her sister grow up, to witness these events which would have meant so much to you.

You are our Angel and my soul mate;- I miss you so very much. The void in my heart will never fill. You where too young to leave us, just thirty three. You are missed by so many, you where loved by so many. The girls will always know you, they'll never forget their beautiful mother who's smile could light up a room and who's hugs could warm the coldest of hearts.

Michelle I love you and always will.

banie01 · 17-03-2014 1:05pm

jobyrne30 wrote: »

Just over five weeks since you passed, in that time our first born, our beautiful honey moon daughter has had her sixth birthday and tonight her first tooth fell out. She's so excited and I'm devastated that you aren't here to see her and her sister grow up, to witness these events which would have meant so much to you.

You are our Angel and my soul mate;- I miss you so very much. The void in my heart will never fill. You where too young to leave us, just thirty three. You are missed by so many, you where loved by so many. The girls will always know you, they'll never forget their beautiful mother who's smile could light up a room and who's hugs could warm the coldest of hearts.

Michelle I love you and always will.

I couldn't read your post and not leave a reply of some sort.
There's nothing I can say that will alleviate your loss or your pain and hearing people say "time heals" sounds empty and hollow when your whole world has collapsed......
Take strength from your kids, they''ll keep you going on the days you want to shut out the world.
Be mindful of yourself, and don't be afraid to lean on friends and family when the darkness,loneliness and fear wash over you.
Take it from someone who knows, there is only so long you can stay "strong".
Look after yourself.
And I'm sorry for your loss, sorry that you ever had to feel the pain of losing your hoped for future.

LoonyLovegood · 23-03-2014 6:35pm

I miss you Grandad. It's eight years today, and I just want to cry. I'll never forget that morning. I woke up to the phone ringing, and heard Mam answer it, and then the words just left her mouth "My dad's dead." We were so close, so damn close. I know you probably wouldn't approve of me now. I'm a woman, in college, single, not considering having a family. But I like to think that if the dementia hadn't hit you so hard, you'd have mellowed as you grew up. Mam says you wouldn't have, but you suffered for so long...thirty years. Nana's such a good person, there has to have been something about you that made her love you like she did.

I miss you. I miss our races, I miss giving you hugs, I miss going up to the home and seeing you. It took ages for me to realise that when you called me Mags it was a compliment, that you thought I was your sister.

I hate that your memory went, and you didn't know who I was. I hope you'd be proud of me. I hope you'd believe in me, even though I know you wouldn't have believed in what I believe in.

Thank you for holding on for the extra day. It meant that we could celebrate Nana's birthday without total sadness. I love you.

banie01 · 16-04-2014 6:09pm

Funny how this week always seems bright and sunny....!
I really feel the one time I can accurately predict the weather is always this week.

7yrs ago the worst experience of my life kicked off when you collapsed...
I don't remember much of the time you spent in the hospital, its all a blur really
Apat from a conversation with your Dad, and us chasing the Donation coordinater to be sure some good could come of losing you....
Apart from hoping for a miracle!
I remember that!
The hope that every twitch brought, hope nearly killed me!

I do however remember the sun shining though whenever I walked outside the hospital.
Basking in brightness whilst our son's and my world was collapsing and wondering?
How?
How could the sun still shine?
How could the world keep turning?
Did the universe not know our light was going out?
How dare it be sunny....
It should've been dark! DARK!
Because I was facing blackness without you....!

Every year since the weather around now has been the same....
Bright, sunny, beautiful inspiring smiles and making people happy....
Like you.....

Now I don't begrudge the sun and the beautiful weather....
I like to think its you, helping show me that even in my darkest moments...
That there is always light, always hope and while you may not get your wished for outcome...
You will find the strength to cope if you just hold on.
Love and miss ya always Kate, xoxo

Kablamo! · 18-04-2014 3:48pm

Driving down the road yesterday, looking at the cherry blossom branches, so heavy with flowers. A man at a bustop waved, I waved back, then burst into tears.
Sometimes the oddest combination of things make me want to just scream at the world, to grab people by the shoulders- how does life go on? How is the world still turning without you in it dad?
It's nearly five years now and I still can't understand it.

December2012 · 23-04-2014 9:26pm

banie01 wrote: »

Kate, its been a really strange few weeks!
It would've/should've been the 18th anniversary of our 1st meeting last week
I miss you, I miss us....
All the time I was upset and heartsick I was being looked after, I was being minded and loved!
And for that...I am lucky and I hope that I can repay her in some small way the love I have been shown.
I won't lie that dichotomy of missing you, while being with someone I love and who loves me really is a headscratcher but I'll learn to deal with it, without feeling soul destroying guilt or as if I'm cheating on ye both....
Eventually

Then for a while I really did think that at least one of the writers for How I Met Your Mother is following me around!
Because when the ''Mother's'' How I met Your Father story episode was on, and how her little story arc paralleled ours...
The words she said to her friend's about love, about buying a lottery ticket and winning the jackpot and that surely there was no point in trying to find to love again because noone could be that lucky twice....
To the moment where she walked outside to talk to the sky and ask ''permission'' to try and move on.....
That whole episode left me heartbroken, it really did silly as that sounds

Then I remember something, Its not that I'm being followed or inspiring anyone to write ''my'' story.
Its that other people have loved and lost too, and so many of the experiences are common to us all.
I still find myself talking to you, and I always will....

Love ya more than chips Babe

Yknow I watched that finale too, and it got to me too - when Barney picks up his baby daughter I felt like I was seeing how much you, Dad, fell in love with me when I was born, how much you gave up for me, how much you were the best Dad I could have. I love you, I miss you and I'm grateful for you.

Things you'd like to say to them

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