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People don't cheat in happy marriages.

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Comments

  • #62
    LoonyLovegood
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,068 ✭✭✭LoonyLovegood


    I don't understand society's fascination with making monogamy work, when until around the 17th Century monogamy was the exception, not the norm. If someone was an alcoholic, and was sober for fifty years but had fallen off the wagon once, we'd congratulate them and think of them as a success story. But if someone is married for fifty years and cheats once, it's seen as a betrayal.

    I can understand anger if it's an ongoing affair, but our culture's belief that monogamy is the only way to go has a lot to be desired, imo.


  • #63
    Recluse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20 ✭Recluse


    Meh, my parents never cheated on each other and their marriage was a spectacular failure while it lasted.
    goz83 wrote: »
    Sounds like OP has only experienced the Nokia 3210 of women, or maybe he's gay? All phones make and receive calls, but they're not all the same.

    Comparing women to types of phones..really? Officially the strangest misogynistic comment I have ever read.


  • #64
    somefeen
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,656 ✭✭✭somefeen


    Ah here.
    You can't boil a human beings reasons for doing anything down into one sentence. Plenty of people cheat cos they want to see what its like to shag someone else but be perfectly happy and in love with their husband/wife.
    Some people probably cheat cos the sex is gone out the window after kids, but still love their partner, it not a change they want. They would probably be much happier having a wild sweaty night with their husband or wife but thats not gonna happen and they need sex, any sex.
    Then there's swingers and wife swappers.

    You saying
    "The sole reason of cheating in marriages is the want for change, for something that may be deemed better."
    Is like saying
    "People only eat because they are hungry."

    Faux phillisophical intellectual bull****, all of it, both your OP and my reply.


  • #65
    Scanlas The 2nd
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,144 ✭✭✭Scanlas The 2nd


    It's nonsense to suggest people only cheat who are in unhappy marriages. People can be perfectly happy and cheat as it's exciting and pleasurable. Some resist temptation, some don't some don't get tempted and some never have the opportunity to be tempted.


  • #66
    ThreeLineWhip
    Closed Accounts Posts: 473 ✭✭ThreeLineWhip


    Is it still cheating if the other spouse is aware and approves of the other strand of the relationship?


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  • #67
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    ThreeLineWhip wrote: »
    Is it still cheating if the other spouse is aware and approves of the other strand of the relationship?
    No. That's an open relationship but can lead to a whole host of problems.


  • #68
    cassi
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 316 ✭✭cassi


    PaulB1984 wrote: »
    I would've thought what i said made perfect sense, whether i want to give up my life to someone else or not.

    See this is where you're going horribly wrong. You see relationships and marriage as "giving up your life" to someone.

    You shouldn't be giving up anything, that's always gonna put a negative aspect to your relationship before it even developed. Share your life with someone don't give them it.


  • #69
    JustAddWater
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,990 ✭✭✭JustAddWater


    beerbaron wrote: »

    She might prefer to be Rooted

    Or flashed!


  • #70
    philologos
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,479 ✭✭✭✭philologos


    PaulB1984 wrote: »
    If a man or woman cheats on their life partner, how is it that people always believe they can make it work? Obviously if they've cheated, they're not happy with their choice, so are looking elsewhere, and if they do it once, they'll do it again. A marriage is like having the same thing for dinner every evening, there are people who will eat the same thing every day without complaint or want for something different, but there are, of course, those who want something different now and then, who don't want to feel like their life is a circle, just a motion to go through with the same things filling each day. That's how married life must work, waking up to the same person every single morning and knowing that you've tied your life to theirs can be daunting i dare say. I'm not a marriage or relationsship kinda guy, i'm not even a dater, and most of what i've just said is a principal factor. Could i live with just one woman for the rest of my days? To know there are so many other women out there but that i may only have the one i chose? Like buying a smartphone? You've got a great model but a later model appeals to you and makes you question your decision to stick with the current version? Choice is choice, regardless of what it is. That's why people cheat, they're unhappy in the choices they've made, they want something different, something that breaks their everyday mould.

    Another post discouraging monogamy.

    Irrespective of how little some people dislike it, marriage is a key component of stable families, and bringing up kids in a committed loving home. As an institution marriage is hugely significant.

    As for marriage being like having the same thing for dinner every evening, this presumes that a relationship should be solely about sex. That's a rather bleak view of the subject. Surely there's some value in actually being in love with your wife, and being in the relationship primarily for that rather than the sex?


  • #71
    lounakin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 699 ✭✭✭lounakin


    There are so many reasons for 'cheating' or having extra-marital sex. If there is an understanding for instance, it cannot be called cheating because no one is being cheated. There can also be mistakes and I for one think that if you are in a committed loving relationship in all its glory (with problems, ups and downs, doubts and certainties etc...) then a small mistake shouldn't be the ruin of something much much greater.


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  • #72
    wandatowell
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,433 ✭✭✭wandatowell


    PaulB1984 wrote: »
    If a man or woman cheats on their life partner, how is it that people always believe they can make it work? Obviously if they've cheated, they're not happy with their choice, so are looking elsewhere, and if they do it once, they'll do it again. A marriage is like having the same thing for dinner every evening, there are people who will eat the same thing every day without complaint or want for something different, but there are, of course, those who want something different now and then, who don't want to feel like their life is a circle, just a motion to go through with the same things filling each day. That's how married life must work, waking up to the same person every single morning and knowing that you've tied your life to theirs can be daunting i dare say. I'm not a marriage or relationsship kinda guy, i'm not even a dater, and most of what i've just said is a principal factor. Could i live with just one woman for the rest of my days? To know there are so many other women out there but that i may only have the one i chose? Like buying a smartphone? You've got a great model but a later model appeals to you and makes you question your decision to stick with the current version? Choice is choice, regardless of what it is. That's why people cheat, they're unhappy in the choices they've made, they want something different, something that breaks their everyday mould.


    Sounds to me like you'll be living with no woman for the rest of your days tbh

    and that seems to be the point of your post so I guess everybodies happy


  • #73
    Doc Ruby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,956 ✭✭✭Doc Ruby


    philologos wrote: »
    As an institution marriage is hugely significant.
    Well it was back in the middle ages, I suppose. These days even cohabiting with someone can be seen as marriage in the eyes of the law, so what's the point?


  • #74
    ThreeLineWhip
    Closed Accounts Posts: 473 ✭✭ThreeLineWhip


    wrote:
    It is now just a piece of paper.


  • #75
    philologos
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,479 ✭✭✭✭philologos


    Doc Ruby wrote: »
    Well it was back in the middle ages, I suppose. These days even cohabiting with someone can be seen as marriage in the eyes of the law, so what's the point?

    It still is. Committing to one another is hugely important. I think there's a lot of value in the covenant agreement that one makes to their spouse in front of their families and any others who attend to serve as witnesses. It is a marker that says that from this point on that we will live as one.

    Marriage is a powerful commitment that I think makes society a better place rather than a worse place. Marriage as the grounding point of the family with a mother and a father is also an incredibly valuable asset to society.

    I don't think I'm the only one, but I think if marriage were undermined to such a large extent (and I don't believe it has been already) to the point where people deemed it utterly irrelevant, I think the world would be a worse place rather than a better one.

    By the by, can you show me where cohabitation is deemed legally to be equal to marriage in Irish law?


  • #76
    ThreeLineWhip
    Closed Accounts Posts: 473 ✭✭ThreeLineWhip


    By the by, can you show me where cohabitation is deemed legally to be equal to marriage in Irish law?
    The social welfare system treats cohabiting as marriage.


  • #77
    PhlegmyMoses
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,906 ✭✭✭✭PhlegmyMoses


    The general attitude towards marriage and monogamous relationships that you encounter on the internet is wildly out of whack with my experiences irl. A monogamous relationship is great when it is done right.

    People cheat for many reasons, often not because they are unhappy with their partner. Anybody I know who has cheated on their partner would be easily classified as very insecure. Some cheat because they're idiots and don't think about consequences. And, finally, some cheat because they are unhappy but too afraid to leave.


  • #78
    philologos
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,479 ✭✭✭✭philologos


    ThreeLineWhip wrote: »
    The social welfare system treats cohabiting as marriage.

    Link, citation?


  • #79
    ThreeLineWhip
    Closed Accounts Posts: 473 ✭✭ThreeLineWhip


    wrote:
    http://www.welfare.ie/en/Pages/Cohabitation.aspx


  • #80
    Doc Ruby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,956 ✭✭✭Doc Ruby


    philologos wrote: »
    It is a marker that says that from this point on that we will live as one.
    Its a pile of shite is what it is, pardon my French I'm sure. If two people love one another they don't need a contract to stay together, and if they don't maybe they shouldn't stay together. I think a lot of bad behaviour is carried out on all sides because married, from 'letting yourself go' all the way up to domestic abuse. Introducing the law into relationships is never a good idea.


  • #81
    PhlegmyMoses
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,906 ✭✭✭✭PhlegmyMoses


    Doc Ruby wrote: »
    Its a pile of shite is what it is, pardon my French I'm sure. If two people love one another they don't need a contract to stay together, and if they don't maybe they shouldn't stay together. I think a lot of bad behaviour is carried out on all sides because married, from 'letting yourself go' all the way up to domestic abuse. Introducing the law into relationships is never a good idea.

    I agree with most of this, although I have no qualms about getting married, apart from the letting yourself go part. It's not always comfort that causes this. I'd imagine having a few kids in quick succession, a full-time job, the slowing down of your metabolism and all of about 3 minutes to yourself in the day before you KO on the couch has far more to do with letting yourself go than some perceived sense of comfort.


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  • #82
    philologos
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,479 ✭✭✭✭philologos


    Doc Ruby wrote: »
    Its a pile of shite is what it is, pardon my French I'm sure. If two people love one another they don't need a contract to stay together, and if they don't maybe they shouldn't stay together. I think a lot of bad behaviour is carried out on all sides because married, from 'letting yourself go' all the way up to domestic abuse. Introducing the law into relationships is never a good idea.

    It doesn't matter what you think they should or shouldn't need. Even if there wasn't a legal contract involved, I still think that making a formal commitment to love, cherish and uphold the other to those who are present is a powerful thing, and it is a great practice.

    By the by attributing domestic abuse to marriage is daft. There's higher rates of domestic abuse in cohabiting relationships statistically. Also, marriages stick together longer than cohabiting relationships on average. I covered this in a previous post.

    Irrespective of whether or not you think it's nonsense, the reality is that the statistics show that marriage is beneficial.


  • #83
    UCDVet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,894 ✭✭✭UCDVet


    philologos wrote: »
    It doesn't matter what you think they should or shouldn't need. Even if there wasn't a legal contract involved, I still think that making a formal commitment to love, cherish and uphold the other to those who are present is a powerful thing, and it is a great practice.

    By the by attributing domestic abuse to marriage is daft. There's higher rates of domestic abuse in cohabiting relationships statistically. Also, marriages stick together longer than cohabiting relationships on average. I covered this in a previous post.

    Irrespective of whether or not you think it's nonsense, the reality is that the statistics show that marriage is beneficial.

    I personally wish we'd remove the legal aspects of marriage.

    There is nothing worse in the world that wanting to get married; but knowing that because of the legal system (at least in certain places) you'll end up suffering financially because of it.

    I'm actually in a strange situation right now where, as best as I can tell, I *CAN'T* get divorced, even though there might be legal reasons why it would make sense.

    I'm a resident of Ireland, but I can't get divorced here because I need to be married for five years.

    Neither of us are residents of the country where we got married, and they won't divorce us unless we are residents! I've heard of other countries where you can just fly in/fly out with a divorce, but then I've also read Ireland/other countries may or may not recognize the divorce as legal.

    What a nightmare!


  • #84
    KCC
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 268 ✭✭KCC


    I think marriage is great for so many reasons. I would highly recommend it.

    Of course cheating is awful and destroys families. As to why people do it, it really isn't rocket science: it's just basic instinct, particularly for men, who have an innate powerful drive to have sex with as many women as possible. The motive (sex) is always there. Motive plus opportunity equals temptation to cheat. At the point of opportunity, I'm sure they just aren't thinking about anything else/consequences. As such, I think that a person can still be in a happy marriage and cheat.

    All you can do is trust and hope that your spouse doesn't give in if and when tempted by such an opportunity.


  • #85
    PaulB1984
    Closed Accounts Posts: 391 ✭✭PaulB1984


    Czarcasm wrote: »
    No. Because I would consider it a waste of my time when you are completely unwilling to listen to anyone but yourself and only want to steer the thread your way, based on a flawed premise in your OP and your own lack of experience of the multitude of complexities involved.

    It'll become a time sink of a thread when you constantly dig your heels in and continue to come up with ridiculous comparisons and examples which only serve to prove you have no idea what you're talking about and are unwilling to listen to anyones opinion but your own.

    The fact that you refuse to give these reasons at all means you have nothing more to add, so what's all this wierd stuff you're on about? All this "I know you, you've no wife, you know nothing, lots and lots of reasons why people cheat, not talking to you no more" rubbish? If you have reasons why married people cheat on their partners, share it, or please keep the pysch babble to yourself, thank you.


  • #86
    PaulB1984
    Closed Accounts Posts: 391 ✭✭PaulB1984


    Betty Suarez wrote: »
    I am married 10 years happily and I still has a **** buddy I sees occasionally. I don't see the harm in it.

    Screwing around behind your husband's back has no harm in it and you're happy? So you love your husband? You're happy with him? Then why cheat on him and make a fool of him?


  • #87
    PaulB1984
    Closed Accounts Posts: 391 ✭✭PaulB1984


    Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »
    It's nonsense to suggest people only cheat who are in unhappy marriages. People can be perfectly happy and cheat as it's exciting and pleasurable. Some resist temptation, some don't some don't get tempted and some never have the opportunity to be tempted.

    I'm smacking my head off a brick wall right now.

    Nobody who is happy with their chosen partner would want to shag anyone else. Not a chance in hell. And cheating on someone who gives you their whole heart and believes your faithful to them is "Exciting and pleasurable"? Sick. Really sick.


  • #88
    PaulB1984
    Closed Accounts Posts: 391 ✭✭PaulB1984


    KCC wrote: »
    I think marriage is great for so many reasons. I would highly recommend it.

    Of course cheating is awful and destroys families. As to why people do it, it really isn't rocket science: it's just basic instinct, particularly for men, who have an innate powerful drive to have sex with as many women as possible. The motive (sex) is always there. Motive plus opportunity equals temptation to cheat. At the point of opportunity, I'm sure they just aren't thinking about anything else/consequences. As such, I think that a person can still be in a happy marriage and cheat.

    All you can do is trust and hope that your spouse doesn't give in if and when tempted by such an opportunity.

    If these men want to have sex with many many women, they shouldn't get married at all. Being married and then thinking "I wanna shag lots of women!" means he's unhappy with his choice.


  • #89
    PaulB1984
    Closed Accounts Posts: 391 ✭✭PaulB1984


    PhlegmyMoses wrote: »
    The general attitude towards marriage and monogamous relationships that you encounter on the internet is wildly out of whack with my experiences irl. A monogamous relationship is great when it is done right.

    People cheat for many reasons, often not because they are unhappy with their partner. Anybody I know who has cheated on their partner would be easily classified as very insecure. Some cheat because they're idiots and don't think about consequences. And, finally, some cheat because they are unhappy but too afraid to leave.

    Even the biggest idiot wouldn't cheat on someone they're very happy with. I've never heard of it. Insecurity is unhappiness too, i don't know why everyone here seems to think it isn't.

    If someone wants a life of screwing around, fantastic, let them, but why marry, buy home, have kids etc?


  • #90
    anastasia2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 ✭anastasia2


    PaulB1984 wrote: »
    Greedy people aren't happy, that's why they're greedy. I've 2 chocolate biscuits here, i'm eating them, but am i happy? No. I wish i had 2 more. Greed, insecurity etc... is all part of being unhappy.
    Exactly why if someone is unhappy/ insecure cheats, its not because their husband/wife makes them unhappy. They have emotional issues to start with that no one else can be held responsible for. I know someone who played the field and innocently thought they could be smug and come home to their wifes bed in the wee small hours! They wanted the wife and the girlfriends!! It doesnt means he was unhappy with his choice, it means he was downright disrespectful to his wife, selfish and greedy and didnt give a figs about the children involved. When you have been in a situation like this OP you will make more sense than you are making now with your ridiculous assumptions.


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  • #91
    PaulB1984
    Closed Accounts Posts: 391 ✭✭PaulB1984


    anastasia2 wrote: »
    Exactly why if someone is unhappy/ insecure cheats, its not because their husband/wife makes them unhappy. They have emotional issues to start with that no one else can be held responsible for. I know someone who played the field and innocently thought they could be smug and come home to their wifes bed in the wee small hours! They wanted the wife and the girlfriends!! It doesnt means he was unhappy with his choice, it means he was downright disrespectful to his wife, selfish and greedy and didnt give a figs about the children involved. When you have been in a situation like this OP you will make more sense than you are making now with your ridiculous assumptions.

    Emotional issues are unhappiness. Oh my Lord! No man who wants lots of girlfriends would want to be married, the costs, the craziness, the sneaking around, it'd be mayhem. Anyone who gets married and cheats on their partner is completely unhappy, he wants whatever he wants, but it's for damn sure he doesn't want his wife or care what his kids will go through.


This discussion has been closed.
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