Things you'd like to say to them

30-07-2012 8:42pm #1

I thought maybe a thread where you can post things you would like to say to them might be a good idea. Mods please merge/delete as appropriate

SusieBlue · 30-07-2012 10:45pm

I'd tell her that I can't believe its been over a year already, and that the pain is still as raw now as it was then. I'd tell her she was special and perfect and wanted so, so badly. How her daddy and I had dedicated our lives to her when we knew she was coming.

I'd tell her about all the lovely things we had bought for her, how we decorated her room, how we couldn't wait for her to be part of the family. How my nana, her greatgrandmother, knitted her loads of beautiful clothes.

I'd tell her we were so proud of her, even though certain individuals made me feel as though I should have been ashamed. I never was, I was proud to call her mine. How no one will ever replace her, she'll always be my first born.

LegacyUser · 30-07-2012 11:51pm

i would say,

Im sorry I let you down, I was your mother I should have protected you. Even tho I never got to hold you, smell your hair Ill never stop thinking about you, or stop loving you.

To A, 4 months soon, I wish I had of had more time with you, I wish when u called that I went more often than I did. I wish you knew I cared about you, that your passing affected me in a way I never thought possible, I wish you knew how much u were cared for.

Nanny, 6 weeks on thursday... I wish I culd ask u are u ok? Did you find Grand-da!!! I wish I could tell you how much I miss you and how much you meant to me, even tho we didnt always see eye to eye.... I want to tell you Ill never forget you and I love you dearly and you were such an important person in my life.

daenerysstormborn3 · 31-07-2012 12:35pm

My heart and soul aches from missing you. Nine months later and everyday still feels like that Monday, coming home from the hospital to an empty house. Our lives are empty without you. I hope you knew how much we loved you and how much we cherished the time we had with you.

I can't even describe how hard life has been since you passed away. J, D and I now have nobody but each other. Our "friends" don't care, they don't understand. Living with you, caring for you, you basically being the third person in our relationship, that's not something that anyone who hasn't been through it can understand. Your other son, well you always knew what he was like.

Everyday is a struggle.

LegacyUser · 01-08-2012 9:34am

Happy 50th Birthday Mam

Miss You so much.

Ellsbells · 03-08-2012 9:37pm

N, you would have loved your new nephew... People even say he looks like you. We are lost without you. x

jessiejam · 04-08-2012 8:33pm

Mam, sorry I didn't make the time to understand what you were going through. It was for so long and there were so many ups and downs I didn't know what to say or do.
Its been 9 years and I think you would finally be proud of me.
I always loved you and always will
I'm sorry and I miss you.

Rubberlegs · 14-08-2012 9:03pm

Well, Dad:). I'm thinking about you more than ever lately. You are in my dreams most nights, it's horrible waking up to the fact you are still gone. In another few months you'll be gone from us 2 years. I don't know where the time has gone. I think becoming pregnant soon after you died gave me another focus for 9 months. I look at your new granddaughter, and it kills me she'll never have her silly Grandad to play with her, and hold her, like her sister's did. I'm sorry I hardly ever visit your grave. I just feel numb and sick there. I'm so glad we brought you home to your birthplace, to bury you with your parents. But it just feels so freaky to see your name on the headstone now too, to stand at the grave we visited with you so often over the years. We had the Christening recently, and when we looked at the photos there were orbs in two of them that had the girls in. I'm usually a bit cynical at that kind of stuff, but just maybe it was you watching over us on the day:)

Pedro K · 15-08-2012 11:35pm

Goodbye. I would love the chance to say goodbye.

edellc · 16-08-2012 12:07pm

I would tell her how absolutely heart broken I am that she is gone, how much I long to talk to her and hear her words of wisdom.

I would tell her how I never realised how much of a glue to our family she was and how sad I am that the cracks appeared almost immediately when she was gone, how sad I am that my sisters have behaved in such a greedy manner when all I want is a hug from my mam.

I can not believe its been just over a year since I spoke to her and I it hurts even more than when she first passed, I would tell her how much I love her and how much of a big part she has played in my life.

LegacyUser · 17-08-2012 6:56pm

7 years tomorow.

I knew you for such a short length of time but you had touched me so deeply that your death devasted me more than anything I've been through before or since.

You connected with people so easily. You had such a gentle presence that was felt wherever you went. Did you even know that?

The pain faded. Eventually. But i will never be ok with the fact that your life was cut so short. I think about that graveyard and I want to scream with rage.

I prefer to think that you are on one of your prolonged wanderings. Discovering yourself and charming everything female with that stellar smile. If you are out there I hope you are enjoying your freedom. Stay beautiful.

I'm sorry I was not a better friend to you. I simply wasn't able. You taught me so much and changed me so much and you didnt even know you were doing it. A part of my heart will always be yours. That part is aching today.

I will miss you for the rest of my life.

God Bless and thank you

Canard · 18-08-2012 3:09am

Pedro K wrote: »

Goodbye. I would love the chance to say goodbye.

This. Just this. So many things I'd love to say but this absolutely tops it every time.

0000879k · 21-08-2012 12:35am

Noticed this thread by accident.
Now, I'm sad.
Miss you Granddad, I'm not ashamed to say I cried at your funeral, which I don't do often!
'You meant a lot more to me than a lot of people think' is what I would say, he was a role model.

The Princess Bride · 23-08-2012 11:16pm

C.
20 years-where did that go?
Sometimes I see a dark,curly haired girl and I think of you and how you'd look now,where you'd be now.

Every time I hear that song I think of us dancing and having the craic on nights out.
How you always left your purse down,never worrying that it might be stolen.
Whereas me..typical me....would carry mine all night just in case.

I hope there is a party ,wherever you are now-and that you're on that dance floor with your amazing smile and energy.
I'll join you there someday-hopefully not for a long long time, you'll have to make room for my zimmer frame by then C!

Thanks for your friendship,
Me.

beks101 · 25-08-2012 10:01am

Seamus,

Four years in July.

I still feel sad that I didn't know you as well as I should have. That wasn't my fault. It was probably yours. But you were so busy. You lived such a busy, stressful, chaotic life. And then it all suddenly went quiet.

Dad told me about that time you heard that the cancer came back, and you just went home to Galway and walked around the city on your own. I think about that often, what must have gone through your head as you walked through the streets you grew up in, now so successful, so celebrated, knowing that your days were numbered. It makes me so sad and yet so glad that you had that.

Dad's off the fags more than three years now. You'd be so proud. We're all so proud. He's a different man since your passing, a lot softer, a lot more emotional. I miss him a lot over here.

I think of you during the tough times. I pray to you. I ask you for things, I ask for your help, your guidance. I always remember you telling me to follow my star. I'm trying, but it's not easy. I know you of all people would understand that. But I think you'd be proud.

I don't know where my beliefs lie, which makes your absence a continued struggle, but I like to think you hear me when I talk to you.

xx

Cherry Blossom · 09-09-2012 12:48am

Dear C,

Your sister is melting my brain, how do you make her go away?

I found this, it reminds me of you . . . . and also of how old I am :pac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwNBKq-GTlI

<EDT> Sorry, not really following the vein of the thread, but it's what I want to say all the same!

John Mason · 12-09-2012 10:57am

Why didnt you pick up the phone? or get in the car and drive to one of us.

Why didnt you tell us?

so many whys

banie01 · 12-09-2012 8:27pm

Kate,
I still miss you so much :-( We still miss you...
We are doing great, our l'il monkey isn't so little anymore! You would have been so proud of him at his communion.
He's really the best of both of us :-) a thoughtful, caring and amazingly smart and funny little dude who's lucky enough to be a looker too ;-)
Ok Ok He's really the best of you! haha

You know you'll always be here in our hearts, and in the stories we all still tell about ya ;-)

Your mam has decided I must be a bollox though :-(
Because the fact that I've started seeing someone now 5 and a half yrs after I lost you.
And that I had the temerity to introduce her to our son is too much for her!
Kate, He doesn't need a new 'mam' because he has the best mam ever, and noone will ever replace you.
I've explained that to her but you know better than me what she's like!
The sniping and just general bitchiness from her is chronic again, I don't know what else I can do for her.
Actually I think thats part of the problem....
I spent too long doing too much, because it's what you would do if you were here!
She can start relying on the rest of 'em now tho....
I don't know how to cope with her anymore and to be honest Babe, I'm past caring!
I'm just gonna focus on making sure our son keeps on being happy and healthy, and that he always....always knows where he comes from ;-)

Miss you :-(
Love ya more than chips and always will Babe.

SusieBlue · 12-09-2012 10:31pm

To my daughter Maisy,

It isn't getting any easier. They lie when they say that time heals all wounds.
When I walk into your bedroom, the sight of all the things we bought for you makes me cry. But the thought of giving them away makes me feel ill. Its a viscous circle that I can't get out of.
You never got to use your pram, or wear your tiny sleepsuits, or sit in your bouncer, but those things make me feel close to you. They remind me of when you were alive, when you were giving me little kicks from inside, making my heart burst with joy with every kick I felt. They hurt me, yet they comfort me.
I can't let go of the overwhelming feeling that it shouldn't have been you. You shouldn't have arrived so early. My body shouldn't have failed. The doctors should have stopped my labour. You should have been born 18 weeks later, healthy with rosy little cheeks.
I'm so sorry I let you down Maisy. The guilt I feel since the day you were born sleeping will be with me forever. You should have arrived into the world to smiling, happy parents and family. It haunts me that when you were born, no one was happy. We were devastated, crying, and felt hopeless. I can never get your first few moments back, and I'm so sorry if we didn't show how much we love you during those precious minutes.
I miss you so much.

Ellsbells · 15-09-2012 1:20pm

WhiteRoses wrote: »

My body shouldn't have failed.

I'm so sorry I let you down Maisy.

Whiteroses I am so sorry for your loss and your post was so heartbreaking.

Please dont think you let Maisy down. She would have felt your hand every time you rubbed her while in your tummy. She would also have heard your voice talking to her and both these actions which would have comforted her and shown her you loved her very much.

Take care of yourself please x

lukesmom · 17-09-2012 4:06pm

Paul, my brother.

Ah Paul I was feeling awful a few moments ago, picturing you at your wake, your cold hands wrapped around mams rosery beads. I often picture this. I hate it. To think of you so cold. And days before as I breathed the kiss of life but no response, you were gone. Why the hell were you taken from us at 22?????? It still makes no sense in the world to me. Plenty of people have gone through the same ordeal as you but have been saved. I wish I had callen out to the house when I said I would and not an hour later. I could have ran upstairs to your room and pulled you out of the bed. I could have saved you. Nobody was with you. Mam and dad at mass, the dogs outside. Nobody knew you were on your way out, away from this world, away from us. How did you feel when you took your last breath? And did you get to meet your son who died before he was born? Do you regret the huge risk you took? Being so impulsive? I warned you over and over and over again. Now I sit and wonder each day how you are, where you are, and if you still ARE? There's a huge hole in my heart for you Paul. I go through each day as though I'm on autopilot. Mam and dad are lost in that house without you? the silence is deafening. She looks for a sign, God love her she smelt flowers the other night and thought they were from you. I hope they were Paul. I love you more than words could ever say. I miss looking out for you trying to keep you out of harms way, even though I was your sister I was always extremely protective of you.

Your last words to me were 'your a legend' when I left you 2 cigarettes, so now Paul you are the legend, love you and hope to God we meet again, somewhere, somehow xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SusieBlue · 17-09-2012 9:48pm

Ellsbells wrote: »

Whiteroses I am so sorry for your loss and your post was so heartbreaking.

Please dont think you let Maisy down. She would have felt your hand every time you rubbed her while in your tummy. She would also have heard your voice talking to her and both these actions which would have comforted her and shown her you loved her very much.

Take care of yourself please x

Thank you, I really needed to hear that. I've been struggling with inner demons a lot the last couple of weeks because of her passing.
I know there was nothing I could have done but in my low moments, I find myself filled with self loathing. It'll be a long road to dealing with this grief, but I know it will get easier. This thread gives me hope.
Thanks again, it means a lot. xx

Gmol · 17-09-2012 10:02pm

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Thank you, I really needed to hear that. I've been struggling with inner demons a lot the last couple of weeks because of her passing.
I know there was nothing I could have done but in my low moments, I find myself filled with self loathing. It'll be a long road to dealing with this grief, but I know it will get easier. This thread gives me hope.
Thanks again, it means a lot. xx

Your daughter would have felt your love for her. You have to remember that and be good to yourself.

Ellsbells · 17-09-2012 10:22pm

Gmol wrote: »

Your daughter would have felt your love for her. You have to remember that and be good to yourself.

It's absolutely true!!

daenerysstormborn3 · 20-09-2012 5:13pm

It would've been my bf's dad's birthday on Monday. He would've been 82.

You never really madea big deal out of your birthday. James would buy you 4 cans of Guinness and you'd drink 1, maybe 2 and the other 2 would still be there at Christmas. We'd get a takeaway and you with your aversion to any dinner that didn't consist of spuds, veg and meat (so Irish lol) would have a portion of chips with butter on them and some bread. We used to buy you things like new woolly jumpers and new long johns for your birthday because obviously it was coming into Winter and you didn't like frivolous presents, you liked practical presents. Your other son would buy you things that reminded you of how old you were, walking sticks and grabbers :rolleyes: Always things you didn't need.

The fact that it's your birthday just reminds me that you're gone. It's been nearly a year already and it still feels like yesterday. Everything is so raw. I don't feel like we've healed at all. It's still so hard.

You should see the house though. You'd love the job we've done on the house so far. It's crap that you can't be here to see it all. Anything we do we think of how much we'd love you to be here.

I hope by the time your next birthday comes around things might be easier for us and all the BS with your other son will be sorted.

Miss you x

narfsnonsense · 22-09-2012 10:35pm

Daddyo just having a night where I miss ya loads and loads. Had a dream last night that you were still around, but in huge amounts of pain, way more than you ever were. I'd never want that for you, but f*ck I'd love a hug.

merlie · 23-09-2012 7:27pm

C,

Yesterday was our anniversary. We met that day online all those years ago. Since then time has come and gone. It has been the hardest years since July 2009 when you left, and in June 2012 when you passed away unexpectedly.

It has been hard for me since knowing of your illness and when you were in hosptial, I wanted to tell you something, just before you went for the operation but never got the chance to tell you, to say it to you. I want to tell you now. I love you. I have always loved you and will love you forever. You cannot take that away as you put it there in my heart. I can never ever forget you and how everything in this world has changed for me because you came into my life.

Wondie, I love you and thank you so much for everything, for your friendship, for all the gifts, blessings and most of all your love. I will wait to see you and when I do, I will have a big hug waiting. Until then, see you laters my wondie, rest easy...and relax. Its bedtime for Bonzo.

You are my lucky star wondie. This song is yours from me to you. https://vimeo.com/14207540 I love always, your lovely one J xxx

LegacyUser · 23-09-2012 9:43pm

Happy Birthday, Smiley.

F

LegacyUser · 30-09-2012 7:15pm

Happy Birthday Dad. We would have celebrated your 59th today - I probably would have cooked you dinner at my place or else we would have gone to our regular haunt for food and a few drinks.

Its also 4 weeks to the day since I held your hand as you quietly slipped away. I still find it weird to think that it was only a matter of weeks after your diagnosis that you were gone. I never for once thought at the start of this summer that you would not be here by the end of it.

I'm glad I got to spend those 6 weeks with you in the hospital, sitting beside your bed and chatting away to you. It was just as much for me as it was to keep you company. And I'm grateful I got to hold your hand and tell you I love you at the end.

But it still doesn't make dealing with things any easier. I miss you. You are never far from my thoughts. And even though life goes on I will always carry you in my heart.

I love you Dad and I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are.

Your loving daughter
S xxx

Canard · 30-09-2012 11:53pm

Every night I miss my mam so much and I never even know how to deal with it anymore. It's so awful. I always start imagining what I'd say to her if I had a day, an hour, five minutes. And then I remember that I don't and I never will have that time.

Miss you and love you so much. Don't even know how to put the rest into words, sorry.

lukesmom · 04-10-2012 9:54pm

Happy birthday Paul your second away from home. 24 today. Missing u a lot. Hope you know it's your birthday but I reckon u do. Love you more than words could say, enjoy it up there kiddo

Your sister Lukesmom

Cherry Blossom · 08-10-2012 2:49am

Dear Daddy,

Almost a full year has passed now since the worst day of my life. I have spent the last year taking 'things' out of their boxes dealing with them and putting them away for good. I don't need to switch things on and off, ignore my own crap or block stuff out any more. There are things that I never wanted you to know about and thanks to other people interfering in my life, I can't even be sure that you didn't know the things I didn't want you to. I guess I'll just have to let that go though because still, all I'm getting is silence and lies from everyone around me. I'm neither deaf nor stupid but if people want to act like idiots instead of coming clean or just telling the bloody truth that's their problem and not mine. I'm not indulging anyone in stupid mind games any more, it says more about them than it does me.

I never fully understood just how much you had to deal with until you were no longer here to deal with it and I have come to the realisation that I just cannot fill your place. I'm sorry everything went the way it did, I'm sorry I can't replace you and most of all I'm sorry I made promises to you that day that I may not be able to keep in the long term. I lied when I told you everything would be okay, in my defence, I thought it would be but I didn't fully understand the sheer size of the problems in this house until I made them all my problems. If it's even possible for them to be resolved, it's beyond my power to do it, you can take a horse to water etc. etc. Other people have made the last year so much harder than it should have been, I should have just left them to it but I made a conscious decision not to run anymore and I'm sticking to that.

Thank you for being such a positive influence on my life. I miss you every day but the fact that you are no longer here has allowed me to deal with things that I just couldn't have when you were. I got through it all to the other side, there is nothing more that life can throw at me that I can't deal with.

While I'm at it . . .

To my Granny,

Thank you for giving me such an amazing start in life and for being my constant source of inspiration. You are the one person I constantly compare myself to, even if there is absolutely no comparison to be made. What I missed most at the times I moved away were the letters from you that you weren't here to write. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't appreciate you more when you were here to benefit from it. Just for you I'm going to try very hard not to lose my temper so much because of other people making stupid digs due to insecurities in their own lives. It says more about them than it does me so perhaps all they need is a gentle reminder of that.

sarahbro · 08-10-2012 3:49am

Nanny,

I miss you so much. Tonight brought it all back.
Walking down hospital corridors to the lifts. I went into auto pilot, nearly went straight to them and hit 6 til I remembered we were going to see grandad. He's in the new part of the hospital.
We need you. He needs you.
He'll be joining you soon, we just don't know when. Make sure you've a pint waiting on him and fill him in on Emmerdale? He's going mad that there's no tv in his room

Love and Miss you forever xxxxxxx

fataltragedy · 09-10-2012 4:00pm

I wrote this to her some months back.

hey you..

time's still passing -
i thought maybe
it'd stop one day.
i guess it will, when
i take my last breath
just like you did in
July. but there are
other ways to feel
like you can't breathe -

sometimes, it's like
i'm drowning beneath
the impact of you
being dead slamming
against my denial.
breaking it down little
by little. it took my
heart a long time ago.

especially at night,
when it's dark and the
world is quiet, sleeping.
but you don't sleep
anymore - and i picture
you as you were before
they closed the lid on you
forever. and it
terrifies me. i'm glad you
have your teddy - i hate
the dark.

did you know that tears
burn? i guess maybe you
did. you cried when the
pain was really bad. i'm
glad you don't have pain
anymore. i always said
i'd gladly take it from you
but, i meant for you to
stay in this world if i did.

i miss you so damn
much. everyone does.
i wish you could come
home.

love, a lost little sister.

Whatsernamex33 · 11-10-2012 7:25pm

I'm not sure how to start this, nearly a whole year on and it's still very raw. I still can't really talk about it to anyone.

Dear Daddy,
I love you. On Saturday, the 13th, you'll be a year away from me. I still can't come to terms with it at times. It's hard to have people asking you why I was so upset when you died, because you weren't much in my life. I mean, the last time I saw you full of life was five months before you left. I don't care what anyone says, you were and still are my dad and I love you to pieces. It's very raw to talk about, for one reason I would never be able to stop talking about you, but I don't think I've ever really accepted it. 2011 was probably the worst year of my life, between you dying and a relationship falling apart. This year has been more than generous, I just know you're looking down on me. One of the worries I have is if I ever get married, who's going to walk me down some stupid aisle. Yeah, I think about that a lot. Or that the fact you'll never meet your grandchildren, if it does happen. Anything I do these days, whether it be exams or anything, it's always for you. I want to make you proud, you're looking over me of course. A year on Saturday, wow. I'm 19, I never really considered you'd be taken so early in my life. You were far too young aswell, 51. This Saturday is going to be really hard. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
Please look after my big brother up there, I never had the pleasure of meeting him, but I think about him a lot too.
I love you,
Siobhán.

therealme · 08-11-2012 12:28am

Mam,
You should be celebrating your birthday today - not gone the past 5 years. Your sudden passing was such a hard blow - I still havn't accepted it.
You were a saint who helped ALL - even the ones you didn't know. You always had kind words, a sympathetic ear and home baking which was available to everybody. I really dont know how you worked non-stop, raised a family and dont know anybody so devoted to her family as you.
I hate that I have no "home" to go to nor your comforting words of wisdom anymore, I didn't in my wildest dreams think it would be remotely as hard as it really is to be without you.
I have so much to say but am gone blank - even though I cant cry, I miss you SO much, I love you and I couldn't have asked for a better/kinder/nicer Mother than you.
R.I.P. xxx

LegacyUser · 08-11-2012 9:26pm

Mum and Dad. I can't believe ye are both gone. Dad 8 months, Mum 6 months. I still can't get my head around how it all happened like that. I think about ye constantly. Everything reminds me of ye and I wish I had you both sitting here like we used to chatting and laughing or even fighting. I would do anything to go back and change things but it's one of those things that are out of my hands.

I wish I could have comforted you both more as ye each died in my arms, I tried not to let ye down but it was difficult to keep it together. Mum, when you turned to me that day and asked me if you were dying, I'm sorry I lied to you but the doctor thought it was best you didn't know. I'm so so sorry. Dad, all those hours I spent sitting next to you, I wish we could have discussed how you felt about your fate. We discussed everything but that.

Ye will never be gone from my heart. It breaks further everyday. It's only recently I realised ye will never come back and it tears me apart.

Rubberlegs · 09-11-2012 6:45pm

Two years yesterday , Dad

. RIP till we meet again.

battser · 11-11-2012 12:39am

A song cause its the only way I know how. May read sad and is I suppose.

I'll never forget, the day you left me.
When all I could think, who was gonna save me.
I couldn't fill my mind, with memories of you.
I was feelin guilty, thinking you'd thought I'd forget you.
As time moves on, strength you gave me it grows strong
I'm not a model son, but I still hope you are proud

The fall below, The fall below
The fall below...Never falling alone
The fall below.

A life, for a life well what could we say.
But this little bundle of Joy, he brightened up our darkest days!
And the light ten months on, and it shines one brighter.
Another super-ordinary, strong young fighter.

The fall below, Never falling alone
The fall below, Never falling alone
The fall below, Never falling alone

In the fall below

daenerysstormborn3 · 11-11-2012 11:14pm

Some days I'm not sure if I can get through this without you. The past year has been so hard on him. Send me a sign that it's all going to be okay. I miss you so much. I miss being able to talk to you about everything and you making everything okay.

Baybay · 12-11-2012 8:58am

I think about you most days, Dad.
But I don't miss you.

I just wish I'd known it wasn't all your fault.

Itssoeasy · 09-12-2012 10:04am

Granda,

It's nearly three years since you left us and it still hurts when I think about you and what you missed in those three years. I still go to the local and they still remember you which is hard for me as It brings it all back. I've kept the lotto going and we had a bit of a win. I lost my best friend not just a Granda the day you died, and I'm sorry that I've not been to the grave more. It's very hard to see your name on a headstone, it kind of makes it real.

Christmas isn't the same and we haven't been in the house on Christmas night since you died, it just doesn't feel right without you. I haven't been in the house much recently and I'm sorry but I can't walk in there without remembering that morning. We all still have dinner together on Sunday which I know you liked us to do.

Sorry if that reads badly but that was hard to do.

11-12-2012 3:38pm

I picked up the phone to tell you a stupid joke I heard, I was smiling.

I'd give anything to hear you answer the phone.

Just one more time.

Miss you.

not yet · 12-12-2012 3:23pm

Mam,

I know you were hard to live with but I should have accepted your
mental illness and not fought with you at every turn....

You did hurt me with the things you said, but the night I sat by your
bed and held your hand still brings a smile/tear to my face. If ever
one moment can erase all the **** of a lifetime it was when you
woke up and I seen a tear in your eye that said I love you, I'm
proud of you and I'm sorry....

RIP Mam never told you but I love you.

cuana · 08-02-2013 11:46pm

I miss you! I still pick up the phone with the intention of ringing you for a chat and there it is that sinking feeling I can't. I hate myself for not making time for you like you suggested you had persisted yet I had let the pace of life had swallow me up then it was too late you knew I was abroad if only you'd waited!! I found out to late & I hope you know that if I had know I'd have been on the first flight back maybe you planned it this way. I just hope you weren't angry with me.

I'm not bitter or angry towards you for choosing this for yourself & wonder will this come in time its been a couple of months now & I know I've not grieved at all denial perhaps. I loved & adored you I always talked of you & never let anyone forget how important you were to me we shared much you & I. God the memories eh many years of shared experiences the good, the great, the bad! We always kept that connection & I'm so grateful for this!!

As I write the tears come, as I write the anger comes!

banie01 · 11-02-2013 5:00pm

I miss you Kate

Its coming up to another St Valentines day without you...
It'll be my 6th and its not getting any easier babe...and 3 weeks after is the 17th anniversary of our 1st meeting

But this one I think will be the hardest yet!
On the one hand I'm missing you(as ever), us and everything we were and that we had

So much of me, of who I am, who I was and always will be, is shaped by you and learning to cope without you there as my conscience is an ongoing struggle but I'm learning babe

And on the other, I'm looking forward to the day with my new GF.
Which if I'm honest is something I never thought I would ever be looking forward to again.
But I'm left feeling totally conflicted babe...
I miss you, I love you and I know that it doesn't matter how strongly I feel either of those emotions it will never bring you back...

But now I'm at a stage where I feel like I'm cheating on you and betraying ''us'' by being happy again(Silly as that sounds!)
By telling someone other than you that I love them(whilst at the same time still being in love with you)...
And then I feel like I'm betraying her, by carrying so much of you with me still.
She loves me, and I love her with every piece of my heart that survived you....
Part of me feels as if I'm lying to her, or that I lied to you or that I'm lying to myself....
Sometimes it feels like a dream sequence from a ****e soap opera!(that you'd have made me watch and then buy the DVD boxset of!)
But I suppose all I can be at the end of the day is honest, and open and hope thats enough.

Anyways....
Just so you know....
I miss you!
I love you!
More today than yesterday

and always more than chips.....:p
We both do Kate!
Love me and the l'il monkey dude....

NeonCookies · 15-02-2013 4:22am

I'm sad I can't go to your funeral, nana. But I know you'd understand. I said goodbye to you before I left Ireland last year, knowing that it could be the last time. What makes it so hard is that I got so close to seeing you again...just a few weeks. The wake is happening now, with all the adult grandchildren and it's awful not being there - listening to the stories and memories, celebrating you. I feel so cut off. You were an amazing woman, and you left a wonderful legacy in your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Love you x

SusieBlue · 26-02-2013 4:28am

Thank you for looking after me these last few weeks, Maisy. I know its you who is keeping me on the right track.

Its getting easier to think of you without feeling suffocating bitterness - I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I still mourn you every day, but lately I've found myself remembering happy times when I was pregnant, and smiling, and laughing, with no tears like before. I find myself reminiscing on the brief time I knew you existed with fondness as well as pain. I know this is you. Thank you.

Your daddy and I are trying to make a brother or sister for you. I hope you know that if we're lucky enough to be blessed with another baby, we'll never forget you or replace you. You'll always be our much wanted and loved first born and nothing will change that. Nothing could ever change the love we feel for you.

Your grandparents haven't taken the news very well, Maisy. They think we need more time to grieve. But we'll be grieving for the rest of our lives for you, whether we have another child tomorrow or in 10 years. Time will make it easier to deal with, but it won't take the pain away. I know you'll look after us, and I'm not afraid any more.

Lately I've found myself imagining what you'd be like if you were still with us. You'd be almost 2 years old now which is a scary thought! Would you look like me or daddy?

Something that has always bothered me since we lost you is that you never opened your eyes. You were too small, I know. But I dream about looking into your eyes, so I could show you how much I love you. I wonder what colour they would have been - Green like me, or brown like your daddy? I imagine they would have been hazel, a perfect mixture of both.

In the past, even having those thoughts would have given me a breakdown. I'm enjoying being able to think of you with happiness as well as pain, and I hope you know that this doesn't mean we are getting over your death. Because we never will, Maisy. But thinking of the happy times we had is making it more bearable, as is imagining how you'd be if you had lived.

I love you.

Mammy x

cuana · 06-04-2013 11:17pm

I miss you so much it hurts I can't bear it sometimes

DeltaWhite · 09-04-2013 6:51pm

N

I find this very strange because its been 5 and a half years since we spoke and I still feel like it was all a dream. We were totally different back then! I have definitely changed a lot and I know for a fact that I took on some of your traits after you died. You made me brave and I found strength that I didn't even know I had. Thank you for that.

Still never got answers to what happened that night but I thank god that you didn't survive sometimes as awful as it sounds, but you would have been destroyed like D. The burns she suffered are something I wish I never saw and that's probably why we don't see each other now. I can't look at her and she doesn't want me to look at her either. You were my bestest friend in the whole world and I never even realised how much you meant to me, and how much I needed you until after you died.

The most horrific night of my life, those hours waiting and waiting.. I knew deep down, I don't know how but I just knew you were gone and it was unbearable to try and function. On auto pilot for weeks.

Remember I used to always go to your grave and sit there chatting to you for some sort of comfort, I just wish you could know how sorry and guilty I feel for not going to your grave anymore

I just find it too hard.

I would love to know what you think of my life now, I miss our chats, our cackling laughing, our little cocktail sessions, our nights out, our bitching sessions about blokes haha! C is my best friend now

he's a cool dude and I love him so much, I hope you approve of him

I miss you everyday, and I can truly say, there hasn't been one single day go by when I haven't thought of you.
Miss you always and forever chick

banie01 · 17-04-2013 9:54am

Kate,
Yesterday was 6yrs since the day you died.
It has been a strange week, from being knocked sideways when someone linked the thread I opened here when I cleared out your wardrobe in the you feel, you lose thread.
To the messages and support from friends(and strangers) that always comes this time of year...
To being contacted on the back of some things I'd written and asked if I was interested in writing an article or even book outline on our journey since we lost you...
Im not going to write anything at all though, as while I dont mind posting where I do because its kind of anonymous....(granted its not too hard to crack)
But publishing something and attaching me and my family's privacy to an article or a book, well thats something I dont want to do..
And to be honest....I dont think I ever will!)

It might be a little weird but I love it when our friends get in touch and share a story or even all the folks who clicked like on the FB link to your In Memoriam...
Those stories are so so important for me and our little dude!
Because

I always worry that the only way our little dude will really ever know you is through his own all too few precious memories :-/
Along with the stories we can all share with him about you.
And yesterday, on your anniversary...
I got to show him how many of our friends clicked like on a status remembering you...
How many friends left us a comment, or the many many more who sent us a message privately sharing a happy story...
It shows him just how many people you touched in your all too short life and all those people have a happy memory or 2 to share.
I always want him to try and hold on to the happiness we had and the love that he comes from!
Rather than the pain of what we lost....
All those stories and thoughts shared by our friends and family, make doing that a lot easier....

If wishes came through, you would be here always and forever!
But they don't

So I hope knowing that always and forever in our hearts and our thoughts is where you will be...forever loved and forever young

Love ya more than chips Babe!
Always and forever!

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