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LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,438 Morag


    Aware lo call helpline 1890 303 302


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 48 ✭✭✭ TaxationTheft


    I have had depression about 15 - 25 times, and I do have quite a high IQ.
    Whether or not there is some correlation, I have no idea.
    I know many, many people who are highly intelligent, yet have never suffered with depression.
    There are so many factors - your socio economic background, whether or not you learned adequate coping strategies, biology, life events, stress levels, sleep habits, diet etc etc etc...

    You can't really say that it is to do with levels of intellect.
    Sure there are some people out there who are as thick as a wall and they suffer from depression.

    Good point. It's too simple to say that one factor causes or is even associated with it. Former is more controversial. It's just that from my own experience of people I have known with Depression, none of the people were idiots by any stretch.

    The day will come when depression can be traced fully at the biological level. Research is already moving in that direction. This disease is too dangerous to write off with outdated theories. Thankfully, people in the medical community are starting to realise this.

    Look at Depression today. Stigma is still rampant, but it's better than it was. I genuinely hope I live long enough to see a complete acceptance of depression along with better treatments. It is a biological illness, it's just that we can't pinpoint it yet. Thoughts arise from the brain after all. Time will fix this.

    There is a reason why people call it the silent killer today...


  • Registered Users Posts: 26,961 ✭✭✭✭ boneyarsebogman


    Thank you Dav and DeV for your posts. What we need are people in positions of power, wherever they may be, to talk openly about their experiences of depression. Only this way can the stigma be slowly removed.

    Micky Dolenz did an awesome post a while back, which had a long list of contacts for anyone who is suffering from depression.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,705 Johro


    I'm fairly sure that there is some sort of genetic predispositon to depression.
    There is, but you don't have to have it to suffer from it. And suffering some sort of trauma wouldn't necessarily trigger depression either. People who live perfectly ordinary lives, with supportive friends and family and a job and a roof over their heads can suffer from depression. People who look perfectly happy on the outside can suffer from depression. I think lots of people suffer from loneliness and depression and never let on.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 899 djk1000


    Here are a couple of posts I've put up in recent weeks/months, thought they'd be worth repeating in this thread.

    The first was in a thread about understanding depression, I thought I'd offer my 2 cents.
    I've had depression for many years. I'm an expert at fitting in and acting positive. The difference is that a happy person enjoys being happy, a depressed person feels like they've run a marathon after acting happy in front of people for the day.

    The more depressed you are, the bigger the effort to act normal and the worse you feel when you take off the mask.

    The second was in the long term illnesses forum, this one took a while to write!
    So, first time posting here, they say that writing things down can help, so I thought I'd share with the group!

    I've had depression on and off for years, went through a few years of feeling fairly content and thought those days were behind me. A few things happened, each of which I guess you'd call a major life event, one thing could crush you, I had three in a row! lost my dad, lost my business and broke up with my fiance!

    all of these things made me sad, which is natural, but looking back, I guess I didn't deal with them properly. About a year or so after the last thing happened, I started to get a feeling that I hadn't had since I used to have depression before. It was a kind of mania where my mind races, I started to think about all kinds of weird stuff like I wanted to quit my job and head to India, or I wanted to sail the world. Each of these thoughts completely engrossed me one by one for more than a week, couldn't concentrate on anything else, like living in a day dream.

    That seems to happen to me before the depression hits, each and every time, the weird thing is that when it happens, it never registers with me as a sign that the fall is coming :-) I don't know if I'm describing it well, it's not manic per se, or bi-polar, the best way I can figure it is that my brain sees what's coming and tries to fight back.

    Anyway, I went to bed one night and couldn't sleep, my mind was racing on all this stuff, but the thoughts started to turn to the bad things that had happened, in particular my ex leaving me. That was when I had the mother of all anxiety attacks, I've never felt anything like it. My rational mind knew that it wasn't normal but I couldn't stop it, just got worse and worse like the adrenalin tap was stuck open. After pacing the room for a while and searching the house for alcohol, I went for a run (not something I'd normally do) to try to tire myself out so I could sleep, I ran until my feet blistered and I was puking! Next morning I pulled a sickie, went back to my mothers house and told her what had happened, I phoned the GP and made an appointment.

    He put me on lexapro, which didn't agree with me, then effexor which was horrible! (I should point out that this is my experience of anti-depressants, they work really well for some people) I also have some Xanax for emergencies. I stopped the antidepressants and just avoided my problem for a while, felt like **** every day, just couldn't function, I managed to keep up with work and social life, but I was putting on a front every day, I was just so tired when I got home each day, faking it from morning to night really takes it out of you! I was totally frustrated, I'm a smart guy and I just couldn't think my way out of this, no matter how logical my mental argument against anxiety and depression was, it just didn't help

    The GP gave me the number for a psychologist when I saw him, that number sat by my bed for a long time before I called and made my first appointment (another major anxiety attack spurred me on to phone him).

    I've had a few sessions now and it's tough, really draining, every minute of it is difficult, but I haven't had a bad anxiety attack in a while now (thanks xanax!) and I'm starting to deal with some repressed stuff, I told a friend that I was seeing someone, he asked me to describe it, the best way I could was this, it's like going to a physiotherapist with an injury, you've been limping for weeks and avoiding dealing with it and it's just not going away, the physio finds the most painful area and pokes and prods until you're nearly in tears, you swear you'll never go back, but the next day the muscle feels a bit better, each visit is tough, but the next day you always know its worth it.

    So now it's one day at a time, I still feel ****ty, but at least now I have some help, this period of my life is the first time that depression has really taken over, where I don't really see an end to it, I'm hoping that that kind of thinking will change in time.

    To anybody on this thread, don't suffer alone, there is help out there but no one is going to knock on your door to offer it. I understand that going to a doctor/Councillor/whatever is a very very difficult step, but for me its been worth it. It's a long post, but I wrote it in the hope that if there are others that have felt this way, they know that they are not alone :-)

    I have never bee so frustrated in my life, I'm smart, I'm fit, I'm usually outgoing. I'm used to meeting challenges and kicking their ass, I don't think I have ever set myself a goal and then not achieved it, but depression is kicking my ass at the moment and not many things get the best of me.

    I was supposed to do a very important exam today, couldn't get out of bed! I have another on Wednesday and I just can't study. I know I'd feel better if I went for a run, but I just can't but my runners on. It can be crippling sometimes, if I wrote down all the things good and bad in my life, there would be very little in the bad column, yet I feel like ****!

    Hopefully the above give a bit of insight to those that haven't experienced depression.

    D


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  • Registered Users Posts: 27,645 ✭✭✭✭ nesf


    Also GROW (link) - they follow a 12 step programme, and follow a structure every week, including homework you give yourself, such as "by this time next week I will have gone back to the doctor", or whatever is relevant to you.
    I find them very good.

    Edit: Just to clarify, GROW is mainly for people suffering from mental illness, but friends and family are welcome to go along too.

    One thing I'd caution about GROW (and Aware too) is that it doesn't suit everyone. I went and hated it for instance. Worth going to to see if you like it but don't feel bad if it's not for you, group therapy and such doesn't suit everyone.


  • Registered Users Posts: 62 ✭✭✭ darraghdoyle


    It's threads like this that make me love this site all the more. I frequently point to things like this, like PI or RI or BI and the other 'personal' threads that are shared and I say - "THAT is Boards.ie". So, yes, well done.

    Thank you everyone who shared your story, especially the people I know, like and give a damn about.

    I remember going through a particularly tough patch in my last job and not being able to talk about it to colleagues. I left the office and walked around Dublin city on a Tuesday morning and not having anyone I could talk to about it, because my friends were in work, my family would have made it worse and, well, who else do you have? It wasn't "important" enough to ring AWARE or The Samaritans about and I couldn't afford "professional" advice.

    Since then I've been wondering about the idea of a drop-in centre in Dublin for people who are feeling less than okay to drop into, to have someone to talk to, to have someone listen, maybe advise. Boards.ie is wonderful for the virtual part of that but sometimes you need to have someone there as well.

    There are many reasons I know that it might not work but the benefits to people if it did would be brilliant. So I'm working on that idea at the moment.

    Talk about Mental Health issues. Share them online and on places like this. We've hidden behind too many reasons not to for far too long and it's gotten us nowhere.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,556 Deus Ex Machina


    I am very wary of the common trend of self diagnosed depression. This is because deciding that you're suffering from a vague malady like depression could obfuscate the facts of one's life. For example, if you find yourself unhappy or apathetic due to problems within your life, and decide that you are depressed (without, as so many do, consulting any authority on the issue to get a definitive diagnosis) you distance yourself from responsibility for your dissatisfaction, and are therefore less likely to take the necessary steps in your life to solve the problems which are actually causing you to feel down.

    I have sincere sympathy for those who suffer from genuine endogenous depression, or some types of reactive depression, but I think that many people need to stop deciding that they are depressed based on their own flawed self assembled criteria, and take steps to improve their life circumstances, and in doing so, become satisfied and happy with their lives.

    Don't get me wrong, I think that genuine depression is a terrible thing to live with, and if you suspect that you suffer from it you should find out and then seek help, but it actually angers me when people take on victim/sufferer status rather than tackle their own issues.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,835 ✭✭✭✭ cloud493


    So... this is my story. Whatever you call it. I'l do what I did in C&H and spoiler it.


    Well, not to put a whole lot of context on it, since I'm not in a good place right now and it'll just make me sadder, my dad spent... from the day I was born, from what I've been told, till he moved out when I was 14, and then some, beating the **** out of me, treating me like crap, telling me he never wanted me and I should have been aborted, and yet still being a good dad to my two brothers and two sisters. In 2001 he broke my arm. And in 2006 he he cracked my head open. And more than once he tried to leave me in places, like literally just take me into a busy shopping place like, and leave me. And generally just treating me like rubbish. And my mum got a bit of.. abuse as well. and the only person that ever stood up for me was my sister, my very eldest sister. And my mum didnt kick him out till 2007, when he came in drunk on new years day, took the new wii she'd bought me, since he was unemployed, smashed it, and poured boiling water over my face. Which was good.But then against my better judgement, in march 08, when i was 15, she convinced me to go and stay with him for a week in birkenhead, which is across the water from liverpool, he got a job, she said he was attending meetings, he'd sorted himself out, all that. So I went, and he was ok, and he acted all apologetic, until, i dont know what made him do this, but, he put something in my drink. and i was.. unconsience. if thats how you spell it. or whatever. And when i was awake, he'd tied to a bed. his bed. whatever. and he touched me. in that way. and.... he raped me. and then, he got some, he said they were friends, but i dont know how he met those kind of people, they came in, and they did... similar things, you know


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,013 kincsem


    Tom,
    I don't know what to say, but fair dues for saying how you feel. That is very un-Irish. :)

    Steely Dan lyrics
    Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend
    Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again
    When the demon is at your door
    In the morning it won't be there no more
    Any major dude will tell you

    A lot of people in this town think you are ok.
    And ffs keep off the smokes.

    Seán


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  • Registered Users Posts: 27,645 ✭✭✭✭ nesf


    I am very wary of the common trend of self diagnosed depression. This is because deciding that you're suffering from a vague malady like depression could obfuscate the facts of one's life. For example, if you find yourself unhappy or apathetic due to problems within your life, and decide that you are depressed (without, as so many do, consulting any authority on the issue to get a definitive diagnosis) you distance yourself from responsibility for your dissatisfaction, and are therefore less likely to take the necessary steps in your life to solve the problems which are actually causing you to feel down.

    I have sincere sympathy for those who suffer from genuine endogenous depression, or some types of reactive depression, but I think that many people need to stop deciding that they are depressed based on their own flawed self assembled criteria, and take steps to improve their life circumstances, and in doing so, become satisfied and happy with their lives.

    Don't get me wrong, I think that genuine depression is a terrible thing to live with, and if you suspect that you suffer from it you should find out and then seek help, but it actually angers me when people take on victim/sufferer status rather than tackle their own issues.

    That's where doctors and psychiatrists comes in. They can separate one from the other. That and there's a big push towards life improvement and similar with all forms of depression. It's not just about meds.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,705 Johro


    Dav wrote: »

    My life is really good overall - I have a job I love and that keeps my bills paid. I have a girlfriend I love and who loves me. I have some great friends who I share a wide range of interests with and who're numerous enough so that there's nearly always someone around to goof off with if I'm in that sort of mood. I have hobbies I really enjoy and the means to indulge in them at any time
    (an XBox and newly built PC for gaming as well as a number of guitars and associated equipment for my musical interests), so what have I got to be depressed about? It's like DeV says, the better things are, the more likely I am to be depressed.
    I have all those! Except the Xbox and gaming PC, I have to make do with the old PS2:(:p
    Seriously though, for a while there I thought getting new stuff would make me feel better. It doesn't. I do however have all the important things.


  • Registered Users Posts: 26,961 ✭✭✭✭ boneyarsebogman


    Just so people know, if you feel like you're not able to talk openly about it like others are, Personal Issues does allow anonymous posting which is pre-moderated.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 77 ✭✭✭ missvirgo


    I have to agree with a few of you about taking medication. It literally saved my life a number of years back when i thought i was going insane. I think anti-depressants are very useful to get you out of a serious 'turn' and i have recommended them to friends of mine in similar situations.

    I have only stopped taking them (this time) for around 7/8 weeks and so far so good... it has to be said, the main reason i stopped taking them was because i couldn't face going to town and dealing with people!! :D

    My point is, i wouldn't hesitate in going back on them if/when i feel the downward spiral...

    There is a serious lack of help & understanding from GP's... I have given up trying to explain how i feel, and basically i just tell them what i want.

    The taboo that exists around depression is scarier than the depression itself... :eek:

    I never related my so-called achievements in my life to my depression before now... I suppose i always felt i had to do better to prove to myself that i am normal...


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,438 Morag


    I am very wary of the common trend of self diagnosed depression. This is because deciding that you're suffering from a vague malady like depression could obfuscate the facts of one's life. For example, if you find yourself unhappy or apathetic due to problems within your life, and decide that you are depressed (without, as so many do, consulting any authority on the issue to get a definitive diagnosis) you distance yourself from responsibility for your dissatisfaction, and are therefore less likely to take the necessary steps in your life to solve the problems which are actually causing you to feel down.

    I have sincere sympathy for those who suffer from genuine endogenous depression, or some types of reactive depression, but I think that many people need to stop deciding that they are depressed based on their own flawed self assembled criteria, and take steps to improve their life circumstances, and in doing so, become satisfied and happy with their lives.

    Don't get me wrong, I think that genuine depression is a terrible thing to live with, and if you suspect that you suffer from it you should find out and then seek help, but it actually angers me when people take on victim/sufferer status rather than tackle their own issues.

    People who do that annoy me no end. I've being diagonalised 6 times been on meds 4 times (once I couldn't cos I was pregnant), too many people use the term depression when they are just sad or down.

    Some of them are self declaring and could well be actually depressed but they use that as an excuse to not go to the dr. If someone is saying to you that they are depressed or using the term depression as an excuse but have not been to a dr then badger them until they do.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,438 Morag


    missvirgo wrote: »
    I never related my so-called achievements in my life to my depression before now... I suppose i always felt i had to do better to prove to myself that i am normal...

    When we are well, we can be very driven, almost to make up for lost time and to re establish ourself worth.


  • Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 32,414 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭ DeVore


    ziggy23 wrote: »
    Fair play to you OP:)

    I suffer from depression on and off and have had a pretty horrible 2 weeks. Why is it when you tell some people about it they run a mile?:( It's not contagious and as the OP said it doesn't mean you are going to kill somebody. Mine has gotten worse lately due to lonliness and feeling isolated. I'm a single parent so when the skiddler is put to bed its just me. All I would love now is a hug from somebody who meant it not a pity hug:(
    But now you know you arent alone. None of us are. Fnck it, theres enough of us to form an army and stage a coup :)
    I send you a big manly man-hug. :)


    Nesf, I have always admired your near-brutal honesty on the topic. I didnt want to drag you into it, but you are one of the reasons this thread exists. I have watched you talk about tougher things than I and felt shamed into action (a good thing for me, I need that poke sometimes!). Talk soon mate. :)

    DeV.


  • Registered Users Posts: 87 ✭✭ sing_dumb


    Thank you SO MUCH for this, really THANKS. I admire your courage and honesty. Xmas is an awful time for people who suffer from "the old black dog" as Winstan Churchill called it. I know this, only too well. Fair play to you for sharing this.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,705 Mr Trade In


    I have been in a bad place for about several years now, during this time I have been diagnosed with a few problems of which I am trying to get re-assessed, I have been diagnosed with Diabetty as I like to call it, this past 3 years have been the roughest with the last 8 months seeing me finally meeting a good GP who has listened and referred me to some specialists to deal with my mental health.

    I am on medication now for my depression which has been a long term issue but was only diagnosed in September,I haven't even told my family about this as they are still of the old Irish adage, kill your problems with drink, it is hard to deal with some days but I know there is help there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,071 ✭✭✭ carbsy


    Absolutely fantastic post DeVore, without doubt the best I've ever read on this site.Sincere respect! :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,080 foxinsox


    I eventually found this post I wrote last January in a different thread:

    Heres the link to the thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056130173


    I have been suffering from depression for many years, not the moany self indulgent attention seeking type.. the real ****ty horrible type..

    I've been avoiding posting this for ages, why? Because it hurts like hell to actually say it out loud/type it.

    I've been reading everybody else's posts, and to be honest this thread has made me go to places I didn't really want to go, but I will go there and if it can be of any help to anyone else then it might be worth it..

    What pisses me off the most about my story is that there is no reason for it, no physical thing, this is the hardest thing to accept. My parents have often asked me "Did something ever happen to you?" and it sounds ridiculous but maybe if I had a "reason" it might make more sense.

    I have tried every treatment available to fix this, I am lucky to have a fantastic doctor now, who knows me well and can nearly see me going down before I realise it myself. I am on medication now, I have been for years. I did go through stages of taking it then feeling better then stopping meds and hitting rock bottom again.

    I have never felt suicidal, well once I did on a particular anti-depressant that I was on for only two weeks, and to be honest it scared the crap out of me the way it made me have suicidal thoughts, needless to say my doctor prescribed another one immediately.

    I have to now accept that I will probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life, clinical depression due to a chemical inbalance in my brain.

    Even though people take meds for heart conditions, blood pressure, I should feel the same about taking my meds... I don't feel that way, I hate it, there is something wrong with my brain and I can't fix it. I am a fixer, I always solve problems, find a way to make things work. I cannot fix this and it makes me mad.

    I've been through the whole mill of my friends, "ah, you'll be grand!" and after many years I have realised who my true friends are, although very few understand how I feel but they understand if sometimes I say "I'm not feeling great at the moment", but most of the time they are afraid to actually ask.

    I have really hurt my family in the past and god forgive me for the amount of worry and stress I have brought on them. I couldn't survive without my family, they really are the best. But I do find as they get older I tend to hide my feelings form my parents as I don't want them worrying. So I put on my "happy face", I believe if I was an actress I'd have an oscar by now with my "happy face" moments.

    There are times when I feel that I just "exist" in this world, the anti depressants make it so, I am not down, but neither am I up.. I just am. But being "just am" beats being down any day.

    This is a bit of a rabble because this thread has forced me to think about things that I haven't thought about in a long time, I don't think, I avoid it, it can stress me out.. what should I be doing with my life? am I happy? Do I want children? Am I too old now to have children? What is happiness anyway? Are my friends happy? And the vicious thought train hurtles along.. so without being a bimbo I avoid the thought.

    I am a "bit down" at the moment, christmas and new year always hits me.. but I am ok and I will be ok. I will be happier in a few days when I am back at work and back to routine..

    OK so the point of my post to show people the random rabble that goes on in my head because of depression... oh and to share the things I found helpful...


    What I have found helps me:


    Avoid stress if at all possible, this means work, relationships etc.

    Excercise, even a little walk of 20mins per day.

    Diet, sounds so simple but try eat properly.

    NO alcohol or cigarettes.

    Have a routine, if I have nothing planned, I do nothing.

    Counselling can be great, even just to cry for an hour, I guarantee you you will feel better.

    Find a good doctor, one that has time to listen and will really help, not just meds.

    Somebody always cares, no matter how **** you feel please reach out and talk to someone.


    Sorry it is so long, I don't know whether any of this makes sense to anyone or whether it is actually beneficial to anyone. But it is my experience and sometimes I am fine and happy as a pig in shiv and other days are just yuck..

    I wish you all the best :)



    Thanks to DeVore for posting this thread.

    I'm doing very well at the moment, in a job I love and seem to be pottering along quite happily in life. My meds are working grand, but as others have mentioned, I know I have to keep an eye on myself and things can change from day to day.

    As mentioned lots of times, if you are feeling bad please talk to someone.. I of all people know how ridiculous this can seem when you feel like ****, but I promise you it WILL make you feel better.

    :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,491 ✭✭✭ thebostoncrab


    Fantastic post, one of the best things I have read on Boards. Depression in its many forms is still incredibly misunderstood in Ireland, and Im often knocked back by the attitude alot of people have when they find out someone they know has it. I know from personal experience it makes it even harder to talk to people about it and makes you feel ashamed of ourself. I mean I know it sounds silly but I'm almost 25, have lived with my bipolar since around 16 and yet alot of friends and none of my family are aware. I know they would understand, especially my mother, but I still can't being myself to say anything incase I'm treated differently, even thought I know 100% they wouldn't.

    Id like to share a big misconception people have about bipolar. They often believe its just a jump between emotions and is very snappy and fast. It couldn't be further from the truth (At least in my case).

    My episodes usually begin with my mind racing through different thoughts. They keep getting faster and faster and in turn my body gets more and more active. On the outside some often find it amusing because I will say anything and give off a certain "I don't give a **** lets go mad!" attitude. But the truth is it is the most horrible feeling in the world. It becomes almost impossible to keep up with your own thoughts and your helpless to stop it. It's incredibly draining and can leave me very fatigued. Imagine if you were on a treadmill, that kept increasing in speed and angle and no matter what you couldn't slow it down or stop it. That's how it feels.

    This can happen for a few hours or even a day or two. The worst I had was at 19 were it lasted almost two weeks. Then, out of nowhere, it all just grinds to a stop. In a split second you go from 90 miles per hour to 0. Nothing is going through your head and you are just completely numb. Those who I have talked to about this find my next point odd at first, but despite this huge numbness and lack of motivation, it is when I'm at my happiest during an episode. Yes, I feel like ****, have no desire to move and become incredibly self loathing; but I'm in control. And having that control and beginning to rebuild myself back to normal is such a massive welcome change than the hyper energy and thought process that proceeds it.

    My episodes aren't as bad as when I was younger, but they still happen. Thankfully I have been blessed with an amazing fiancée who understands and has helped me out alot. She can tell when my episodes are starting and is always ready to pick me up or try stop my mind from spinning.

    Every case is different, so please don't think that every bipolar case is like mine. But next time you hear about someone living with it, listen to them and don't just think they go from happy to sad and back again.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,272 Captain Graphite


    *Warning: long post ahead!*

    Thanks for this thread Dev. It's great when people are willing to talk about it. I really hate the stigma that's associated with mental health.

    Having said that, I find it really difficult to talk to people I know about it. I never talk to my family about it and only one or two close friends. Whereas I'd say pretty much anything online or to a stranger in the pub. I just can't help feeling that my family would see me and treat me differently if I talked to them about it.

    Personally I go through extreme periods of complete and utter self hatred; some days I'll look in the mirror and think "you're ok, keep trying to get better" but then the next day I'll just say "it's completely hopeless, why are you even trying? You're a worthless piece of **** and you don't deserve to get better and you never will." Most of those days I can't even look in the mirror because seeing my reflection makes me feel almost ill.

    I have a counselling appointment tomorrow; I've been on the waiting list a long time. I know I have to go but I don't want to put too much hope in it because if it doesn't help it will make me feel worse.

    In the mean time, I sometimes find blogging helpful to try and deal with stuff. I write a lot about feeling depressed and, although I sometimes worry that I sound like a self-pitying ingrate, it does help release tension and stuff. (Link is in my sig; anyone interested can find depression-related posts mixed in among various book reviews and a couple of posts about the presidential election.)

    This is an excerpt from the last post I wrote, which was on Saturday night. Reading back over it at this precise moment in time I can say "ah shur, that's over the top. Things aren't that bad." But tomorrow I might read over it and decide it doesn't even scratch the surface of how I feel.
    It’s been two years since diagnosis. Six months since rock bottom. And a matter of hours since “**** it, what’s the point?”

    I don’t get why I’m still here, acting as if things are mostly ok and that taking a little pill every night magically makes everything better. I still can’t talk to family about it because it’s too awkward. I can’t even be honest with my GP anymore because she thinks I’m improving and I don’t want to let her down. How ridiculous is that?

    I never feel like I’m sick enough. Why have psychiatrists not yet told me that I have bipolar disorder? Or borderline personality disorder? Or schizophrenia? Or…..something? Regular plain old depression just doesn’t feel like enough anymore.

    I should be out getting drunk, getting high, smoking anything that’s fits into skins, not giving a **** about any consequences. I should be starving myself and then binge eating until I throw up. I should be slicing my arms with a knife or a razor just to prove that I’M NOT ****ING OKAY.

    Instead I stay at home like a good little boy and bottle everything up like good little boys do. The internet is my only outlet for frustration now and there’s only so much sexygirl123 on thisisaforum.com can help you with stuff like this.

    It’d be easier if my family didn’t care about me; then I’d have no problem self destructing like I’m supposed to. It’d be easier if I had no friends or family at all because I could just kill myself without any guilt. Right now the most I can do is stab myself with a red pen and act as if the ink is blood.

    I can’t say how I really feel, how angry I am that “mild depression” is all I’ve ever been diagnosed with. I can never get over how angry I am with the college lecturers who let me down and made me feel like an idiot, the selfish exes with the worst sense of timing in the world, anyone whose life is easier than mine and anyone whose life is harder than mine.

    Most of all though, I get angry at myself. A lot. Even over the littlest things; like if I can’t finish a Sudoku puzzle or if I go wrong somewhere, or if I can’t do the numbers game on Countdown or if I only get a six letter word instead of a seven. Clearly stuff like that happens because I’m a ****ing idiot who doesn’t deserve to be alive. And every time I think of my degree and wish to God I could go back in time and do it all again, I say to myself “Four years of your life gone. Congratulations on being a bigger underachiever than anyone could have predicted.”

    I feel like I don’t do enough to let the world know just how much I hate myself and how often I really wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up again.

    But, then again, this time next week I’ll be in grand form and everything will be looking up and people will say I clearly don’t have a problem in the world.

    I don’t know how to fix what I can’t identify as being wrong. And I honestly can’t wait around much longer to figure out what needs to be done before it’s too late. 2012 is make or break; it’s either gonna be the best year of my life. Or the year I finally give up any hope of the future for good.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,074 ✭✭✭ irelandspurs


    Is life insurance void if suicide is the cause of death?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 48 ✭✭✭ TaxationTheft


    Is life insurance void if suicide is the cause of death?

    Generally, yes. This is why death inquests are unwilling to record suicide directly, as it places a financial hit on the family. Most private insurance forms will clearly state that suicide can potentially void the contract.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 Snowie


    DeVore wrote: »
    Insect Overlord, your early life mirrors mine very closely!

    Snowie, if the black hole has balls, I hope you burst them :) Its good to hear therapy has you back to yourself and you are happy and focused.

    Depression can make people seem to be right selfish bastards sometimes. And sometimes thats true but sometimes its an interpretation of their actions by people who are trying to make sense of them. Like the person earlier on who said their boyfriend broke up with them.... well that sounds like he simply couldn't see a future for the relationship, many people who suffer depression feel like that, nothing could possible come from X and its dooooooomed to failure so why bother.


    Thank and you too :). Ill putt it to you this way, it was a case of being pissed of that I was unhappy all the time. I was prepared to make and except changes and thats what I did :).

    I agree on the selfishness on booth your points, I was being a little over critical :o but to every one who spoke up said something which is tough to play and those who don't think they have the nuts to. I say this

    Your holding on to bad jew jew if your an work your problems out its for the better, youle have moment soy clarity that well its like euphoria :D I promise


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,861 ✭✭✭ JuliusCaesar


    Have just read the 10 pages of Laugh @ Depression and have ended up feeling very dispirited...I'm a toiler in the Mental Health Services of the HSE.

    We do provide free services to the public, but it's not timely enough or general enough. Services that are available in one area aren't available in another. What we do have going for us is that we are multidisciplinary and we are all over the country. When I retire, there won't be anyone to take over from me in my area because there's no funding to train anyone. (I've 20 years of experience, so there's no point waiting till I'm ready to go and then training someone in!)

    People don't even know we exist and that we can provide a lot of services - inpatient units, day hospitals, day centres, group therapy, inidividual therapy, medication, meditation etc even including job preparation to help fill holes in CVs.

    If only, I think, some of the energy that went into posting in AH went into pressuring the Minister to implement Vision for Change!

    Anyway, glumly,
    JC


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,074 ✭✭✭ irelandspurs


    I have suffered with depression since the age of 14 i'm now 27 married with 2 kids and am about to lose my wife and kids because of it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 26,961 ✭✭✭✭ boneyarsebogman


    I have suffered with depression since the age of 14 i'm now 27 married with 2 kids and am about to lose my wife and kids because of it.

    Are you receiving any sort of help for it?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,205 Benny_Cake


    Have just read the 10 pages of Laugh @ Depression and have ended up feeling very dispirited...I'm a toiler in the Mental Health Services of the HSE.

    We do provide free services to the public, but it's not timely enough or general enough. Services that are available in one area aren't available in another. What we do have going for us is that we are multidisciplinary and we are all over the country. When I retire, there won't be anyone to take over from me in my area because there's no funding to train anyone. (I've 20 years of experience, so there's no point waiting till I'm ready to go and then training someone in!)

    People don't even know we exist and that we can provide a lot of services - inpatient units, day hospitals, day centres, group therapy, inidividual therapy, medication, meditation etc even including job preparation to help fill holes in CVs.

    If only, I think, some of the energy that went into posting in AH went into pressuring the Minister to implement Vision for Change!

    Anyway, glumly,
    JC

    Very interesting post JC - the HSE gets a lot of stick but there are a lot of excellent people like yourself working there to make a real difference in people's lives. The hiring ban is having a really negative impact on services though. Anyway, you make a good point, I must take a look at the Vision to Change document.


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