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He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can

Pika ... chu, thought Pikachu.

Beatrice was aware that many had stood before her at this sacred place, with their own reasons, but with surprisingly few footprints.

As someone who has menstruated, I thought, I could tell you it’s no picnic.

I have the ability to go through time, he suddenly remembered while at a bus stop near a tree.

Emperor Wu liked cake, but not exploding cake!

MacGyver had grown old.

“Great Caesar’s Ghost!” Amy sputtered. “What glorious lovemaking!”

The foot delivered an unending holocaust of pain as it rocketed into Zamboni’s crotch.

This is a mystery about a murder I committed.

Zamboni doubled — nay, TRIPLED over in happiness-demolishing agonies.

It clawed its way out of Katie, bit through the cord and started clearing.

Eve stood there, half-eaten apple in one hand, desire burning in her eyes. Adam screamed “Jesus woman what the **** have you done?!!”

Nine-year-old Kyle Graddy looked out across a minor league baseball diamond for the first time in his life and pondered the possibility of his own death.

Fukutsuru died in 2005 but his frozen sperm lived on for people’s benefit.

David Becker had never held a gun, but he was holding one now.

The saying “I have got your back” almost never has the literal meaning of receipt or possession of another’s spine.

Clarissa plunges — a verb of great adventurous spirit — into her day.

The door, which had been left open a few inches, was ajar.

Anamaria had already gotten up obviously because there was no Anamaria in Anamaria’s bed.

No matter what you believe, whether you’re Christian, Muslim, or Jew, this is where it probably happened.

Tears are permanent when you tattoo them to your face.