The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

RikkFlair wrote: »

The inspector was visiting the school and was talking to three little girls at the bottom of the class. He says to the first girl "And what would your name be?"

The girl replies "Daisy. When my mammy was pregnant with me, a daisy blew in the window and landed on her belly, so they called me Daisy"

"Oh how lovely" said the inspector "and how about you?" he asked the 2nd girl.

"My name is Buttercup" she said "When my mammy was pregnant with me, a buttercup blew in the window and landed on her belly"

"Ah how sweet" said the inspector, moving onto the 3rd girl. "And what is your name young lady?"

The girl, twitching and drooling answered "Concrete block".

Sure hell is full of sex drugs and rock and roll, who would want to go to heaven with all those bible basers anyway

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his arse.


2 cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"

Rumours flying around that Paul McCartney is already arguing with his new wife.

Apparently she is spending twice as much on Shoes as his last wife did...

Two dyslexics are at a petrol station. One turns to the other and says, 'Can you smell petrol?' The other one says 'Smell petrol? I can't even smell my own name!'

Two fat blokes sitting at a bar.
One turns to the other & says "your round"
To which he replies...
"so are you ya fat ba$tard"

A rather portly Greek gentleman walks into a clothes shop. He sees a pair of pants and decides to try them on. They are perhaps a size small for his large frame and he is struggling to pull them up. A sales person sees this and comes up to him
"Good morning sir, what is your name?" the salesman inquires
"Euripides" the gentleman replies
"Well Euripides pants, you buya dese pants!" the salesman informs him

Fella stood in the jacks havin' a piss and he glances across at the lad in the next stall who is stood there holding the biggest dick the fella has ever seen, must be all of 13" long and thick as a babies arm holding an apple. "Hope you don't mind me saying there boss, but thats a feckin' beauty isn't it! you must be so popular with the girls with that weapon"
"Ah" says the fella "Tis a curse, I haven't had me leg over for years, every time I show it to a lass she runs away screamin' they are all scared of it."
"you never tried a professional? ye know, a prostitute or summat?"
"Even they run away from it, I tell ye, its a curse" says the lad.
"Why don't ye get yerself a prostitute and sneak up from behind so she doesn't see it till ye get stuck in?" says the fella.
THats a good idea thinks the lad and heads off down the Dock road to get himself sorted. He manages to pick up a lady of the night and heads home with her.
He asks her "Do you mind goin' in the bedroom first, gettin' undressed and waitin' for me?"
"Your money, your time" says the lass
"Right, do ye mind hoppin up on the bed, doggie style?"
"Your money, your time" she says
"Right so, I'm nearly ready, do ye mind putting the light out?"
Your money ,your time"she says
"Ready then, Here we go now"
Lass says "I don't think yer a weirdo or anything but why did ye ask me to come in the bedroom first, then hop up on the bed doggie style and then turn the light out, ARE YOU A BIT KINKY OR SOMETHING?"
"No, says the fella, I AM AN AETHEIST"
Lass says "AN aetheist? I thought that was someone who didn't beleive in......
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JEEESUS CHRRRRIISSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT.......

Paddy is on holidays in the US. He stops in to a bar to have a pint. While drinking his pint he spots a native american indian with a full feather headdress, tomohawk, warpaint, the lot sittin at the other end of the bar. He calls the bar man over and says "Hey, whats the story with yer man?"
The barman replies "Oh thats the Memoryman"
Paddy says "How do ya mean Memoryman?"
The barman says "Well you know , like the Rainman or the Medicine man, well he's the Memoryman he remembers everything he ever saw or heard. He's quite amazing actually"
"Jaysus" says Paddy "Would he mind if I asked him a question?"
"Not at all, he loves it" says the barman
So Paddy saunters over and sticks out his hand "Hello" he says
The Memoryman turns, raises one hand and in a deep indian voice greets him "How"
Paddy says to him "They say you're the memoryman"
Memoryman says "That is so. Speak"
"Well" says Paddy trying to think of some thing that the memoryman wouldn't have a clue about "Who won the 1965 FA cup? "
Without blinking the Memoryman replies "Liverpool"
"Fukin hell" says Paddy "...Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" comes the instant reply
"What was the score?" says Paddy
"2-1 after extra time" comes the response
"Who got the winner?"
"Ian st.John" says the Memoryman and with that Paddy shakes his hand astounded by the feat. He buys Memoryman a pint and leaves.
About 5 years pass and Paddy is on holidays in the States again. He stops into the same bar and spots the Memoryman so he calls the barman over and says "Thats the Memoryman isnt it? Give him a pint of whatever he's having"
The barman gives the Memoryman his drink and he turns and nods graciously at Paddy.
Paddy smiles and in keeping with indian tradition raises one hand and greets the Memoryman "How"
The Memoryman looks carefully at Paddy and says "Diving header, Edge of the 6 yard box"

I've just done a turd that was that big it touched the water before breaking off.

That's pretty impressive from the middle diving board.

Did you hear about swingers getting it on outside...