The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Curly Judge · 08-10-2011 08:20PM

"I say, I say, have you seen much of Veronica lately?"
"Practically all of her. Lovely girl!"

4leto · 08-10-2011 08:24PM

The world's funniest jokes apparently

The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1950 Goon show sketch by Spike Milligan,[2] was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" [3]

The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

While this was the top joke in the UK:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

admiralofthefleet · 08-10-2011 08:37PM

My son just told me, "Dad, I'm gay". I said to my other son, "Well at least you're straight". "Actually," he said, "I'm gay as well dad". I said, "Fuck me, does no one in this family like pussy?!""I do," said my daughter

barone · 08-10-2011 09:04PM

In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12%liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet

admiralofthefleet · 08-10-2011 09:17PM

Ive just seen Gary Glitter and Michael Le Vell in the toilets at my local Pizza Hut,

They seemed to be getting stuck into a small vegetarian

punk77 · 09-10-2011 01:47AM

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and,threatening them with a knife, demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that 50 euro I owe you," he says.

Nodster · 09-10-2011 02:24AM

Man goes to doctors havin problems with premature ejaculation. He's told 'when you feel yourself cuming give urself a fright by firing a starter pistol in air to prolong the sex'. Two days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. He says not good. We were in a 69 and I felt myself start to cum, so I fired the gun. My wife crapped in my face, bit the end off my dick & the milkman came out the wardrobe with his hands up !!

jamiecoins · 10-10-2011 04:28PM

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Pandora2 · 10-10-2011 08:17PM

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.I woke this morning with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird Who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what wouldyou like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, So I've named him Birmingham .

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

donalg1 · 10-10-2011 09:32PM

i am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, i dont know y.

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

what do you get hanging from apple trees.

sore arms

admiralofthefleet · 11-10-2011 02:03PM

My Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers today, I really hope it doesn't run in the family because my Mum has it too.

jamiecoins · 11-10-2011 03:01PM

The minister of health visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
he is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On his way, he hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
he goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
he asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the minister said, and moved on, but on the way he hears more orgasmic groans.
he looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.he asks his escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
His nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"

Morlar · 11-10-2011 03:06PM

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close. I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in.well.I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street.on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked.sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine…

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death…I'll
take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

barryoc1 · 11-10-2011 03:30PM

What have Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist got in common. Same middle name!

I got fired from work today. Think it was because of the text i sent my boss. I asked him whats the difference between this morning and his daughter. He said what, to which i replied: I am not cuming in this morning!

--Kaiser-- · 11-10-2011 03:37PM

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks agina accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

cruiser178 · 11-10-2011 03:42PM

God damn it I demand to know what the sound was :mad::mad: *shakes fist

Potential-Monke · 11-10-2011 04:10PM

Good News! I found my fathers wedding ring.
Bad news... I found it while fingering my sister...

F - Face - Has the face fallen on one side?
A - Arms - Can they lift both arms up and hold them there?
S - Speech - Is their speech slurred?
T - Time - Time to act, the rohypnol has kicked in...

"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"
"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"
"But I don't have a..."

sensibleken · 11-10-2011 04:13PM

A horse walks into a bar. the barman says 'why the long face?' and the horse replies 'because I'm Nicholas Cage'

also works with gay mitchell

Paddy Samurai · 11-10-2011 05:12PM

Guy walks out of the supermarket with a chicken under his arm.

Security guard runs over and shouts at him
"Oi! ……You , what you doing with that chicken?.”

Man says…

Wait for it……………………..

Man says………peas ,stuffing ,gravy and some roast potatoes.:D

FionnRua · 11-10-2011 08:10PM

So Miss Murphy was taking the senior infants class.
Today class I have a special quiz for you. I have a prize for the first student who can say the following sentence without using the letter "R"
The sentence is "Richard and Robert rode a rabbit"

After some time and lots of "ichad" and "obet" and "ode" and "abbit"
she arrived at young Johhny who, with a big smile on his face says

Dick and Bob ****ed a bunny

4leto · 11-10-2011 08:13PM

Why do hedgehogs hog the hedges.

11-10-2011 08:40PM

4leto wrote: »

Why do hedgehogs hog the hedges.

Because they have a hedge fund.

McChubbin · 11-10-2011 08:45PM

Steve Jobs got to Heaven's gate and was greeted by God, who was flanked by Moses.
"Hello Steve, this is Moses. Moses, this is Steve. He's here to update your tablets!"

Hal Emmerich · 11-10-2011 09:12PM

Paddy is walking through a Field and sees a Man drinking Water from a pool with his Hand.

Paddy shouts "na Ol an t-uisce, ta se lan chac bo" (don't drink the water, it's full of Cow sh*t).

"I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you" says the Man.

Paddy shouts back "use both Hands, You'll get more in that way"

groovie · 11-10-2011 09:41PM

That's the same Paddy that went looking for working in England one time. The day he landed there he went to the only place that he knew of, a pub in Willesden.
He's sitting at the bar, feeling a little sorry for himself and telling the barman how he has no place to stay etc when this guy walks up to him and says "you can crash at my place if you want".
Paddy takes him up on the offer, let's face it, if he didn't we wouldn't get to the 'funny bit'.
Later that evening Paddy is sitting on the bed in his pj's when in walks the other fella wearing a school uniform and says to Paddy:
"Paddy, I've been a naughty boy, I've forgotten to do my homework, will you punish me?".

Cut to the following day and Paddy is back at the bar with his suitcase.
"How did you get on with that fella" says the barman.
"I'll tell you one thing, says Paddy, he won't forget to do his homework again in a hurry".

Hal Emmerich · 11-10-2011 09:49PM

A group of primary school children go on a trip to Ascot races to learn about races. When it's time to take the children to the toilet it is decided that the girls will go with one teacher and the boys with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal.

Having no choice , she goes inside and helps the boys with their pants and begins hoisting the boys up one by one holding their willies to direct the flow.

As she lifts one boy she can't help but notice that he is unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare she says...

"You must be in year four"
"No Love" he replies.
"I'm riding Silver Shadow in the 2.15.

loremolis · 11-10-2011 11:05PM

groovie wrote: »

That's the same Paddy that went looking for working in England one time. The day he landed there he went to the only place that he knew of, a pub in Willesden.
He's sitting at the bar, feeling a little sorry for himself and telling the barman how he has no place to stay etc when this guy walks up to him and says "you can crash at my place if you want".
Paddy takes him up on the offer, let's face it, if he didn't we wouldn't get to the 'funny bit'.
Later that evening Paddy is sitting on the bed in his pj's when in walks the other fella wearing a school uniform and says to Paddy:
"Paddy, I've been a naughty boy, I've forgotten to do my homework, will you punish me?".

Cut to the following day and Paddy is back at the bar with his suitcase.
"How did you get on with that fella" says the barman.
"I'll tell you one thing, says Paddy, he won't forget to do his homework again in a hurry".

That Paddy fella is always getting into trouble, especially when he meets English people.

Rylan · 11-10-2011 11:19PM

I hate dead people. Like seriously. Get a life!

policarp · 12-10-2011 12:01AM

A man is walking along the footpath dragging a cabbage on a piece of string behind him. Someone asks him where he is going with the cabbage.
"That's no cabbage," he replies, "it's a collie."

RikkFlair · 12-10-2011 12:54AM

The inspector was visiting the school and was talking to three little girls at the bottom of the class. He says to the first girl "And what would your name be?"

The girl replies "Daisy. When my mammy was pregnant with me, a daisy blew in the window and landed on her belly, so they called me Daisy"

"Oh how lovely" said the inspector "and how about you?" he asked the 2nd girl.

"My name is Buttercup" she said "When my mammy was pregnant with me, a buttercup blew in the window and landed on her belly"

"Ah how sweet" said the inspector, moving onto the 3rd girl. "And what is your name young lady?"

The girl, twitching and drooling answered "Concrete block".

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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