The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Ghost Buster · 29-09-2011 02:08PM

How many potatoes does it take to kill an irish man?

None

ynul31f47k6b59 · 29-09-2011 02:37PM

Biggest joke in the world: The fourteen, yes, FOURTEEN minutes I spent reading that monstrosity on page 107. OP, If you were near me, I'd smack you!

HalloweenJack · 29-09-2011 03:54PM

Two friends go hunting in the forest. While they're out, one of them has a heart attack and collapses unconscious. His friend rings 999 and says: "I think my friend has died. What do I do?"

The person on the other end says: "Ok, first make sure he is dead."

There's a moment of silence, followed by a gunshot, then the friend comes back and says: "Ok, now what?"

punk77 · 30-09-2011 01:04PM

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. He's come in here every day for the past year and always makes the same choice. Watch this."
The barber puts a 5 euro note in one hand and a 2 euro coin in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the 2 euro coin and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber,laughing. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming down the street.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the 2 euro coin instead of the 5 euro note?”
The boy smiled and replied, “Because the day I take the 5 euro note, the game is over!”

Galway K9 · 30-09-2011 04:48PM

BOHtox wrote: »

<snip>

What this one?

punk77 · 30-09-2011 04:52PM

Did you really have to quote this???? It was bad enough seeing it once!

D_murph · 30-09-2011 10:24PM

punk77 wrote: »

Did you really have to quote this???? It was bad enough seeing it once!

X2^.

Next person to quote that should be banned :mad: :pac:.

BOHtox · 30-09-2011 10:41PM

D_murph wrote: »

X2^.

Next person to quote that should be banned :mad: :pac:.

I'm pretty sure a mod said that when I first posted it and the first couple of people quoted it.
It's actually in the first post, it does say so in the thread title. See ya Galway K9

loremolis · 30-09-2011 11:21PM

D_murph wrote: »

X2^.

Next person to quote that should be banned :mad: :pac:.

Next person to quote what?

punk77 · 01-10-2011 12:34AM

loremolis wrote: »

Next person to quote what?

To quote post # 1604 on page 107. Okay. End of......
Can we get back on thread with the jokes now????

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?

A:They should both be changed regularly,and for the same reason.

Bobby Baccala · 01-10-2011 01:04AM

How many blonds does it take to change a nappy?

ask hugh hefner

Bobby Baccala · 01-10-2011 01:05AM

I was chatting to an older woman last night.

I said, "You look like you could use a knight in shining armour."

"Ooh," she quivered, "am I a damsel in distress that you've come to rescue?" she asked.

"No," I replied, "you need to be slain, you Fúcking dragon."

Bobby Baccala · 01-10-2011 01:10AM

I only ever took magic mushrooms once.

I went to pick some for a second time, but there were too many Smurfs guarding them.

Skullsri · 01-10-2011 01:21AM

<<SNIP>>

MOD

Distastful joke removed.

Skullsri, no more peado jokes!

punk77 · 01-10-2011 01:23AM

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Dartz · 01-10-2011 01:40AM

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

oh dear jesus

To !report or not to !report, that is the question. For t'is nobler to be taught the tattle-tale than to allow such scumbaggery to go unpunished?

Bobby Baccala · 01-10-2011 01:43AM

you talkin bou reportin me or the freak with the pedo jokes

Mister-M5 · 01-10-2011 01:54AM

My girlfriend came home from work today very upset and asked me to console her.

So i hit her over the head with the xbox

Hal Emmerich · 01-10-2011 01:58AM

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

you talkin bou reportin me or the freak with the pedo jokes

the freak.

Bobby Baccala · 01-10-2011 01:59AM

ah yeah
i see

Dartz · 01-10-2011 02:03AM

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

you talkin bou reportin me or the freak with the pedo jokes

Paedo-joker. Let's sick this on him. Prepare the ******s!

Skullsri · 01-10-2011 02:05AM

P4ddy2k11 did your mam ever tell you not to be calling the other kids in school names (freak) ha..lads its a bloody joke maby a bad one at that but i just had to tell it..

Mister-M5 · 01-10-2011 02:16AM

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman all bought tickets to the Olympics. So a week before the games they go over to familiarise themselves with the place.

They end up drinking for the week and run out of money. In a drunken state they each sell their tickets to fund a few more pints.

The morning of the games, the 3 of them are sitting on the steps outside the stadium disappointed with themselves having sold their tickets.

Paddy Englishman stands up and says "Lads I'm getting into these games one way or another having come all the way out here". He walks out into the middle of the road and picks up a manhole cover. He then walks up to the security man at the gate and says "George Cromwell, England, Discus". "Best of luck Mr Cromwell, in you go" says the security man and lets him in.

Paddy Scotsman, seeing this, walks into a building site opposite the stadium and comes back out 2 minutes later with a long pole over his shoulder. Walks up to the same security guard anyway "Robert McWallace, Scotland, Javelin". " "In you go Mr McWallace, best of luck in the javelin" replies the security man and lets him by.

Paddy Irishman decided he's not being left outside on his own so he walks into the same building site and after 10 minutes of intense searching he emerges with a length of barbed wire around his shoulder, walks up to the security man and says "Sean McDermott, Ireland, Fencing!"

Sharpshooter · 01-10-2011 02:29AM

Skullsri wrote: »

P4ddy2k11 did your mam ever tell you not to be calling the other kids in school names (freak) ha..lads its a bloody joke maby a bad one at that but i just had to tell it..

Skullsri, it was two disgusting peado *jokes as you see them, nothing funny about them.

Do not post in this thread again, I don't care if your next joke is about Mary Poppins, walk away!

01-10-2011 07:45AM

Goodbye Granddad
Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
he never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
we found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
a startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
the doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
the Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
no-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
when Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
and they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
so they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
they drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
and I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
so I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
but I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
the dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath
until he heard the splash!!
Interesting Aussie slang....
Crook = ill
Redbacks = spider
Dunny = toilet

hairy sailor · 01-10-2011 08:06AM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever lying there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh#t.

Bobby Baccala · 03-10-2011 06:24PM

I have attention deficit disorder.
I get distracted easily because my Head... shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes!

Pandora2 · 04-10-2011 01:47PM

An elderly man walking slowly on a deserted street is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"The man replies, "That would be my wife."

foxyboxer · 04-10-2011 02:05PM

Tiger Woods is driving around the west coast playing some golf.
He drives towards Ballybunion links and pulls in to fill up his tank.

He calls over the attendant and asks him to fill up the tank.
After the tank is full Tiger put's his hand in his pocket to pay the man.
As he does so two golf tees falls out of his pocket.

The curious attendant asks "By God, what are they for?"

Woods replies "Oh, I put my balls on those when I drive off"

"Jaysus, them fellas at BMW think of everything!!!"

barone · 04-10-2011 02:25PM

Wife finds her husband up alone at night. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye. "What's the matter?"

Husband says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"

The wife touched at his caring says "Yes, I do.

"You remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car and shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

. I remember" she replies softly.

He cries "I would have gotten out today.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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