The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

punk77 · 22-09-2011 01:31PM

Four nuns arrive at the Gates of Heaven together. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”

The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.

RoryMac · 22-09-2011 02:08PM

I fainted in the curry house when i heard REM had split up..

That's me in the korma!

CorsetIsTight · 22-09-2011 06:21PM

One rainy day, three ducks walk into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"Ah, like Donald Duck's nephew. How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Just my kind of weather. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"You're kidding - like the second of Donald Duck's nephews...? That's funny. So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Like my friend said, it's the perfect day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, don't tell me...your name must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

xxtattyberxx · 22-09-2011 07:11PM

Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk. With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March.....

Guill · 23-09-2011 09:06AM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

backinexile · 23-09-2011 11:05AM

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen"

punk77 · 23-09-2011 12:08PM

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. I'll make him regret saying that.

smash · 23-09-2011 12:09PM

Why do deaf girls masturbate with one hand.... so they can moan with the other!

punk77 · 23-09-2011 12:20PM

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest,speaking,and there is no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?

Pandora2 · 23-09-2011 03:21PM

punk77 wrote: »

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest,speaking,and there is no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?

Yup!!!!

jkbrackens11 · 23-09-2011 09:57PM

Man applies for a job with the Gardai. The Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun , go and shoot 6 knackers and a rabbit".
Fella asks "Why the rabbit?".
Inspector replies "fantastic attitude. See you on Monday"

Johro · 23-09-2011 10:12PM

Minnie and Mickey Mouse are in court, Judge says to Mickey:
'But isn't it a fact Mr. Mouse, that you are seeking a divorce from Mrs. Mouse solely on the grounds of Mrs. Mouse having 'funny teeth'?'
' NO!!' shouts Mickey, 'For the last time!
I never said she had funny teeth! I said she was F**KING GOOFY!

barone · 23-09-2011 11:04PM

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER.
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——

Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem..

Pandora2 · 25-09-2011 07:31PM

Paddy went to his solicitor and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't exactly know how to go about it." The solicitor smiled at Paddy and said "Not a problem, leave it to me." Paddy said "Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion but, I would like to leave some to my family too!"

Two solicitors arrive at the pub and order two pints. When the pints arrive the each open their briefcase and take out sandwiches and began to eat. The Barman somewhat annoyed says "Excuse me but you can't eat your own food in here!" The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches

Temptamperu · 25-09-2011 07:58PM

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.

UnknownSpecies · 25-09-2011 07:58PM

What bee produces milk?

The boobee

SteelyDanJalapeno · 25-09-2011 08:02PM

Pandora2 wrote: »

Paddy went to his solicitor and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't exactly know how to go about it." The solicitor smiled at Paddy and said "Not a problem, leave it to me." Paddy said "Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion but, I would like to leave some to my family too!"

Two solicitors arrive at the pub and order two pints. When the pints arrive the each open their briefcase and take out sandwiches and began to eat. The Barman somewhat annoyed says "Excuse me but you can't eat your own food in here!" The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches

Shocking

Curly Judge · 25-09-2011 08:35PM

I used to think I was a wonderful lover.
Then I discovered that my girlfriend had asthma!

sensibleken · 26-09-2011 12:06PM

what time does Sean Connery go to wimbledon?

Tennish.

Ghandee · 26-09-2011 12:09PM

What's the difference in a Fridge and a Fanny?

A fridge doesn't Fart when you take the meat out of it.

Pandora2 · 26-09-2011 10:49PM

Mother is invited to her sons Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a male roommate,. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Anthony's roommate, David is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. About a week later, David came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony. Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mum which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with David and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with him. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his OWN bed, he would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama.

Curly Judge · 28-09-2011 12:02AM

Did you hear about the Seven Dwarfs?
They all got into the one bath.
And they all felt happy.
So Happy got out.

28-09-2011 08:22AM

Curly Judge wrote: »

Did you hear about the Seven Dwarfs?
They all got into the one bath.
And they all felt happy.
So Happy got out.

because he was feeling bashful.
now they're feeling grumpy.

uberalles · 28-09-2011 01:56PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

Did you hear about the Seven Dwarfs?
They all got into the one bath.
And they all felt happy.
So Happy got out.

Statistically 6 out of the seven dwarfs are not happy.

Cypher_sounds · 28-09-2011 02:11PM

I once entered 10 puns in a competition thinking at least one of the 10 would win something...

Unfortunately no pun in ten did..

RichieC · 29-09-2011 02:40AM

Why did the monkey cross the road?

Because humans are awful.

(btw best joke you ever heard is a bit extreme, thread should be called joke you heard recently that made you laugh)

Temptamperu · 29-09-2011 03:25AM

RichieC wrote: »

Why did the monkey cross the road?

Because humans are awful.

(btw best joke you ever heard is a bit extreme, thread should be called joke you heard recently that made you laugh)

But are there not humans over the otherside too

Skullsri · 29-09-2011 03:44AM

<< SNIP>>

MOD

Skullsri, I have snipped your disgusting *joke.

29-09-2011 01:31PM

uberalles wrote: »

Statistically 6 out of the seven dwarfs are not happy.

I was told that I had to create an eight character password for my computer account, so I chose "snow white and the seven dwarfs".

RichieC · 29-09-2011 02:00PM

A Young Republican, a tea party member, and a union worker are all sitting at a table when a plate with a dozen cookies arrives. Before anyone else can make a move, the Young Republican reaches out to rake in eleven of the cookies. When the other two look at him in surprise, the Young Republican locks eyes with the tea party member. “You better watch him,” the Young Republican says with a nod toward the union worker. “He wants a piece of your cookie.”

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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