The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

pipelaser · 07-06-2011 09:25PM

Best joke I ever heard was one totally off the cuff by a mate of mine(Donal).

There were three of us travelling in South america, all in our late 20s. While on a particular trip we had a few younger girls(all around 18) in our group, one of which was quite hot..
Since there were only two-man tents, one of us (David a 28 year old that works in economics) had to sleep in the same one as this hot girl.

After a few drinks we all went to the tents and there was a bit of giggleing as we all watched the two of them go into the tent together.

After we all shouted goodnight to each other Waltons style, there was a bit of a pause..

Donal: "Dave, your good at maths arent you?"
David "Yeah..., what?"
Donal "How many times does 28 go into 18?" !!

Boom Boom, I pissed myself!:pac:

Rick Deckard · 07-06-2011 09:26PM

Fbjm wrote: »

http://sickipedia.org/

Copypasta?

Third highest of the day.

Original.

Just sharing with the group. Am crap for remembering jokes

orourkeda · 07-06-2011 09:53PM

peatcass wrote: »

Once you go black, you never go back.

I'd love to see Kari test that one on MythBusters.

I love Kari.

(p.s thats not a joke)

sunflower27 · 07-06-2011 09:59PM

peatcass wrote: »

Am crap for remembering jokes

The 1,000th post. Oh the irony

deco nate · 07-06-2011 10:00PM

My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent last month.
Simon said, "What is your act?"
I said, "Magic."
He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
I said, "Yes, once."
He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck."

deco nate · 07-06-2011 10:25PM

Ryan Giggs and his brother walk into a bar.

Ryan says to the barman, "I'll have whatever he's having..."

losthorizon · 07-06-2011 10:54PM

kfallon · 07-06-2011 11:13PM

An old one:

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.The man says "For this trick David I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer who I see is here tonight and I will also need a table."

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "No but it's fooking magic."

Will I Amnt · 07-06-2011 11:59PM

Fbjm wrote: »

http://sickipedia.org/

Copypasta?

Third highest of the day.

Original.

So what!! Do you think everyone else wrote their own jokes for this thread?

kfallon · 08-06-2011 12:04AM

cambo2008 wrote: »

So what!! Do you think everyone else wrote their own jokes for this thread?

I typed me own tyvm

Will I Amnt · 08-06-2011 12:08AM

kfallon wrote: »

I typed me own tyvm

You sir could do with a rapturous round of applause,excellent typing skills,gold star on the way.

mufcboy1999 · 08-06-2011 12:12AM

cambo2008 wrote: »

So what!! Do you think everyone else wrote their own jokes for this thread?

exactly lads all jokes have to come from somewhere in all fairness.

policarp · 08-06-2011 05:14AM

I brought to the attention of a woman that she had one boob exposed.
"Oh sh-t" she says,"I left the baby on the bus."

Duiske · 08-06-2011 05:21AM

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"

Sam Vimes · 08-06-2011 09:36AM

cambo2008 wrote: »

So what!! Do you think everyone else wrote their own jokes for this thread?

Especially since the thread is called "Best joke ye ever heard" and not "Best joke ye ever made up"

Formosa · 08-06-2011 09:41AM

Why do women have legs?

Did you ever see the mess a snail makes....

Capt'n Midnight · 08-06-2011 10:21AM

Did you hear the one about the cop who picked up a nurse girl in 'Coppers?, shagged the arse off her They made love all night, the cop was kind enough to drop her home next morning....

Passing a halting site in Finglas the nurse girl said "You can just drop me here" .. "Yea lying little bitch" said the Guard "You told me you were a nurse"...

"No" say's Rosie "I told you I was one of the Ward sisters".....

Capt'n Midnight · 08-06-2011 10:26AM

An old man walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn't live here anymore."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, "Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn't live here anymore."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The next day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I've told you already that he is no longer in office. He's never coming back. Don't you understand?"

The old veteran answered him, "Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!"

Frank Black · 08-06-2011 10:35AM

sean1141 wrote: »

i thought this was best jokes thread not a FYP thread

I'm a dick.

FYP

donalg1 · 08-06-2011 11:01AM

Deleted User wrote: »

What do you call a dog with no ears?
Spoiler
A c*nt

Whats the story with the above spoilers, punchlines greyed out

Sam Vimes · 08-06-2011 11:14AM

donalg1 wrote: »

Whats the story with the above spoilers, punchlines greyed out

Highlight the text to read the punchline

lucylu · 08-06-2011 11:24AM

What do you call a Donkey with 3 legs??

Spoiler

Wonkey

optogirl · 08-06-2011 11:25AM

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and a squint?

A

Spoiler

winky wonky

Reloc8 · 08-06-2011 11:31AM

optogirl wrote: »

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and a squint?

A
Spoiler
winky wonky

A donkey with 3 legs and a squint who plays piano ?

Spoiler

a winky wonky plinky plonky

3 legs, squint, plays piano and does elvis impersonations ?

Spoiler

winky wonky plinky plonky honky tonky

Frank Black · 08-06-2011 11:37AM

Reloc8 wrote: »

A donkey with 3 legs and a squint who plays piano ?
Spoiler
a winky wonky plinky plonky

3 legs, squint, plays piano and does elvis impersonations ?
Spoiler
winky wonky plinky plonky honky tonky

3 legs, squint, plays piano and does elvis impersonations while making love and breaking wind?

Spoiler

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

Reloc8 · 08-06-2011 11:40AM

I see you've played winky wonky donky before.

Touchay !

Mr Freeze · 08-06-2011 11:42AM

Make them stop!

Reloc8 · 08-06-2011 11:50AM

Small fellow says to his old man 'hey dad, what's the difference between 'in theory' and 'in practice'.

His da says 'watch this'. He calls into the house to his wife 'here missus, would you sleep with the neighbour for a million quid'. She says 'of course I would, at the drop of a hat'. He shouts up the stairs to his daughter (who is of age of course) 'here young one would you sleep with the neighbour for a million quid'. She shouts back 'too bleedin' right I would'.

The da looks at the son and says 'you see ?'. The son says 'no da I don't get it'.

The da says 'well son, in theory, we have 2 million quid cash, but in practice, we're living with a pair of hoors'.

kfallon · 08-06-2011 11:54AM

Young pregnant wan rings 999 from a phonebox in Tallaght:

"Here I need an ambulance, me waters have broken!"

"Where are you ringing from?" asks the operator

To which she replies "From me gee to me bleedin' knees!"

Galway K9 · 08-06-2011 12:00PM

Mr Freeze wrote: »

Make them stop!

LMAO

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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