The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tfitzgerald · 28-04-2011 09:18AM

loremolis wrote: »

"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of there authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

86.6% of people agree with that

Galway K9 · 28-04-2011 11:00AM

loremolis wrote: »

"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of there authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln had the internet

:D:D:D:D LOVE IT

hondasam · 28-04-2011 11:30AM

Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.

Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Gophur · 28-04-2011 11:47AM

loremolis wrote: »

"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of there authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

He must have been an illiterate fukwit too, he didn't know the difference between "there" and "their"

loremolis · 28-04-2011 02:27PM

Gophur wrote: »

He must have been an illiterate fukwit too, he didn't know the difference between "there" and "their"

He said it in Mandarin dialect Chinese so maybe the error arose in the translation.

Anyway, I've fixed it so you can sleep well tonight.:)

tfitzgerald · 28-04-2011 03:17PM

loremolis wrote: »

He said it in Mandarin dialect Chinese so maybe the error arose in the translation.

Great answer going to use that one myself

Gophur · 28-04-2011 03:22PM

loremolis wrote: »

........
Anyway, I've fixed it so you can sleep well tonight.:)

Too late, the damage is done!

stewie01 · 28-04-2011 03:23PM

whats the smartest thing ever to come out of a womans mouth???

einsteins c0ck.

Mongarra · 28-04-2011 04:17PM

Haven't read all previous posts - hope this is not repetition.

Bloke with awful toothache goes to dentist. Dentist says "it'll have to come out."
"Can you do that without it hurting?" he asks dentist.
"I'll give you an injection and you won't feel it".
"Sorry", says the bloke, "I can't stand injections. Is there another way?". "Well I can give you gas", says the dentist. "I'll put a mask over your face and the gas will knock you out while I take out the tooth".
"Not possible. I suffer from claustrophobia. Is there no other way?".
"The only other solution is a pill".
"That'll do fine" says the patient.
"OK" says the dentist. "Take this Viagra, and we'll wait a few minutes for it to work".
"I didn't know Viagra was a painkiller" says the bloke.
"It's not", says the dentist, "but it'll give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth".

--Kaiser-- · 28-04-2011 09:37PM

Two bats walk into a bar.
You think one of them would have heard it.

Gloomtastic! · 28-04-2011 10:44PM

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

Pokerface!

Why do witches wear name tags?

So you can tell which witch is which!

talla10 · 28-04-2011 11:04PM

2 former soldiers are broke and decide to take claims against the state for army deafness. The first guy walks into the army doctor and is examined. He pretends not to be able to hear too well, even manages to control himself and not flinch when unexpected loud bangs were made. The doctor knew he was lying but was finding it difficult to prove it. Finally he told the former soldier he could go and as the man was walking out the door the doctor said in a low voice 'Close the door' and the man instinctively reached out for the door and the doctor gave a loud chuckle delighted to have caught him out.

The man realised the game was up and walked back to the waiting room where his friend was waiting. 'One bit of advice' he tells him. 'Whatever you do don't close the door'.

The second man is then called and goes through the same procedure and again the doctor knows he is lying. Finally,after failing to catch him out thus far, he tells the man he can leave. As the man is walking out the doctor again says in a low voice 'Close the door'. The man stops, turns around and says 'Close the f**king door yourself!!'

Thatnastyboy · 28-04-2011 11:05PM

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

:pac:

Trooperboyo · 29-04-2011 02:17PM

Not sure where I heard this before, but it was a funny story, something about a horse being but down.

When the reporter seen the horse in the hole he wondered if they had to lift them into it. So he asked a boy nearby if they shot him in the hole.

Boy replies: "No we didn't, we shot him in the head!"

18AD · 29-04-2011 02:19PM

If you roll a pencil is it still stationary?

Have you heard the one about the broken pencil?
Ah, there's no point.

Mongarra · 29-04-2011 02:23PM

Trooperboyo wrote: »

Not sure where I heard this before, but it was a funny story, something about a horse being but down.

When the reporter seen the horse in the hole he wondered if they had to lift them into it. So he asked a boy nearby if they shot him in the hole.

Boy replies: "No we didn't, we shot him in the head!"

From what I can remember this was a question from Paddy Crosbie who used to present a programme on Radio Éireann (yes that long ago!) called "The school around the corner" in which he would interview youngsters from a different school each week. Near the end of each child's section he would ask for their "funny story" and the above was one.

Still a great gag!

FruitLover · 29-04-2011 05:10PM

HenryChinaski wrote: »

I like my women like I like my whiskey. Twelve years old and shtinking of whiskey!!

It's "twelve years old and full of alcohol".

Savage Tyrant · 29-04-2011 06:26PM

Kate Middleton asked the Queen "Ma'am, what is the secret to a long and happy marriage?"
The Queen replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

Sykk · 29-04-2011 08:05PM

I hate being Bi-polar.. It's awesome.

:pac:

PeterIanStaker · 03-05-2011 06:19PM

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Church of England."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Catholic."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The next man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "The Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, they think they're the only ones here."

CarrickMcJoe · 04-05-2011 07:21PM

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices an old Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there looking at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "if you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The Old Jock slowly turns his head toward the bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae richt aheid".

Eagerly, the young bloke slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
THe sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The Old Jock says, "Aye, thats as far as I got too".

pockets3d · 04-05-2011 07:41PM

When does a pentagon have 4 sides?
When a plane intersects it.

CorsetIsTight · 07-05-2011 01:38AM

celts wrote: »

What's the first sign of madness

A bald guy with a colmb

I really wanted this to be a joke I didn't get, rather than a typo.

I actually Googled "colmb"...

Fago! · 07-05-2011 01:49AM

My mate came upto me and says "I've just come back from the doctors. I've been diagnosed with the big C"

I replied "oh no cancer?"

"No. Dyslexia"

Ken. · 16-05-2011 08:59PM

Bought my son an iPad & my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone & I got her an iRon. Wife wasn't overjoyed even after i explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function

The King of Moo · 16-05-2011 09:30PM

Johnny goes into the bar on the 90th floor of the Empire State Building. He sees a fairly drunk guy at the bar. Pretty soon after Johnny sits down the drunk guy starts talking to him.
"Hey buddy, did you ever hear the story 'bout the updrafts round here?"
"No" Johnny says.
"Well, because a somethin' to do with the way they built the place, if I jumped outta the window there, I'd fall. BUT!! When I got to the 70th floor, the updrafts'd whisk me right back up in through the window! It's the architecture or summin'."
"No way!"
"Watch!" And with that the drunk guy shuffles over to the window. Before a shocked Johnny can reach him, he has one leg out the window, shouts "BUBBYE!" and is gone out the window.
Johnny races over and looks out. He sees the guy fall. Past the 89th floor. 88th. 87th. All the way down to the 70th.
...
And then...
...
He starts to float right back up, and glides in through the open window!
Johnny's amazed! He says "WOW!! IT'S REALLY TRUE!!??"
The drunk guy sways a little and says "Sure, iss real. Wanna try?"
Johnny, still a little nervous, says "It works every time?"
"Sure it does. G'wan ahead."
Johnny, excited, says "Eh, OK!! HERE I GO!!" and jumps straight out of the window. And he falls. Past the 89th floor. 88th. 87th. All the way down to the 70th.
...
And then...
...
He keeps falling, past the 69th floor, 68th floor, all the way to the ground.
...
The drunk guy smiles and staggers back to the bar.
The barman shakes his head, sighs, and says

"Jesus, Superman, you're an awful prick when you're drunk!"

mad m · 16-05-2011 10:27PM

Four white blokes in maternity ward, midwife walks in with a black baby. The first fella says not mine, second fella moves head side to side. Third fella oh no can't be. The fourth fella stands up and says it must be mine as the wife burns everything....

ibFoxer · 16-05-2011 10:28PM

No1J wrote: »

What goes in out in out and smells of piss?

My Granny doing the hockie pockie.

I believe the punchline should be:

Ken-ackers doing the "Siege of Ennis"

Dolph Starbeam · 17-05-2011 12:34AM

I bought Kate McCann's new book. I was going out for dinner that night.

Naturally, I didn't want to lose the book, so I took it to the restaurant with me.

hondasam · 17-05-2011 12:42AM

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.

"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.
"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.
"But how do we know which is which?"

They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.
"Lets cut off this ones tail"

The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.

"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"
"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."

"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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