Fiancée doesnt want my friends at wedding

mailforkev · 12-04-2010 02:46PM

Dude, you're fighting a losing battle on this one.

If it had been a male friend that made the initial "joke" then you'd have a slightly easier situation. However it was another girl. So even if you were the most tactful guy in the world you will still appear to your fiance to be taking sides with another girl over her. No win situation under any circumstances.

sporina · 12-04-2010 03:03PM

OP if you loved this girl you would be able to EMPATHIZE with her.. you seem to be more concerned about upsetting your posse - what are you - 13 or 34.. Jesus..

You think this is about political correctness - are you for real?

Its easy - she insulted your fiance - and it was not a joke because as you said yourself your mates do not like she - what is soo hard for you to understand about this?

LegacyUser · 12-04-2010 03:19PM

the unsure op wrote: »

a lot of the time im seeing them shes at work and doesnt know anyway

eh hello op???? your girlfriend doesnt even know how often you see this girl???? why would you keep it from her unless you know well your doing something wrong?

above should be alarm bells for your gf. if my oh was meeting girls and not telling me id be finishing with him, how would you feel if she was meeting men you were uncomfortable with and not telling you????

sporina · 12-04-2010 03:47PM

i think this guy is leading a bit of a double life..

god knows what he is saying to his mates about her,, tut tut.. poor girl..

D rog · 12-04-2010 03:47PM

the unsure op wrote: »

im 34 and my girlfriend is 29. not that it matters. i love my girlfriend completely and cant wait to marry her, of course our wedding is about us but as anyone knows when trying to plan a wedding there is a lot of political correctness about who you invite and dont. not inviting this girl would cause a great deal of friction and a lot of other people would get involved which is really hassle i dont neeed

Sometimes you have to learn who real friends are, and sometimes through difficult situations. Above all- you shouldn't care about the reactions and comment, as real friends will try to understand and support.

It sounds more like you are afraid not to invite the 'friend'. Why?
She sounds fairly nasty and if it's only PC-ness then don't invite her.
If she goes back bitching to the others- so what? You can explain the cause in good grace, and if they all turn on you- you may have to accept they're not really great friends.

jomc · 12-04-2010 04:37PM

op give your gf my number so she can know what its like to be treated the way she deserves! j/k

it never ceases to amaze me how great girls can end up with guys that treat them like rubbish. if this was my sister and one of her boyfriends friends had been in any way rude to her ( not even commenting on her appearance) i would march her out of your home until you spoke to your friend to apologise and apologised yourself for not immediately standing up for her.

eh hello? wrote: »

if my oh was meeting girls and not telling me id be finishing with him, how would you feel if she was meeting men you were uncomfortable with and not telling you????

This is a very important point, if i was meeting women behind my oh's back without telling her it would be some level of dishonesty. even if your not telling her just to avoid a fight its not kosher, what your doing is sneaking around and you know that. dont meet women without telling your oh, if she were to find out in future it would look mighty bad on you no matter how innocent it may or may not be.

username123 · 12-04-2010 04:40PM

OP - youre too immature to be getting married. Marriage is a morally and legally binding committment to another person that you love. This person is supposed to be the most important person in your life. For you, you seem to be putting your friends ahead of your wife-to-be.

Youre too worried about what the wrong people thnk, you should be worried about what your wife-to-be thinks, not rude idiotic so called friends.

You should show this thread to your fiancee, perhaps if she sees what you really think about her she may call off the wedding and take this worry about upsetting your childish friends away from you.

Toots · 12-04-2010 05:40PM

seamus wrote: »

Spot on here. This girl (your friend that is), is a bully. I've come across them plenty of times before. They think they are the top dog/queen bee in any group of friends, and resent the introduction of any individuals who may threaten that position or who don't have their approval.

So what they do is make snide remarks under a guise of "joking around", specifically designed to make the newcomer uncomfortable and give them a lower standing in the group. Particularly in any scenario where someone else has stolen the limelight (such as celebrating an engagment), this person will seek to disrupt the evening or to grab attention towards themselves specifically at the expense of the newcomer. This is schoolyard stuff, anyone with two braincells should be able to spot it a mile away.

While there was probably no truth in what your friend said, it was very clearly a remark designed to put your fiance in her place and warn her. You know that this girl doesn't like your fiance and opposes your marriage (probably because she feels like she owns you or some other crap), therefore you should have spotted immediately that this wasn't just friendly banter.

I can see exactly why your fiance doesn't want this person at your wedding. Because she doesn't want to have the spend the whole day overhearing giggles and sly remarks and furtive glances from a room which should be filled only with close friends and well wishers.

This person is neither a well wisher nor a friend and so doesn't deserve a place at your wedding.

QFT, Seamus has it sussed here I think. If you value your fiancée's feelings at all, you'll see that not inviting this girl makes sense.

I would suggest a compromise where you simply don't invite this girl, which opens the door for you to tell this girl exactly why she's not being invited, but I can still understand why your fiance would prefer that none of them attended.

I'd nearly go one further here, don't invite this girl, when she asks, explain why you're not inviting her. Don't apologise for not inviting her, just simply but politely explain that considering that she doesn't like your fiancée and in light of her behaviour the night they met, you don't feel that it's appropriate for her to attend. If the rest of the group tries to stick their oar in, then you need to be very firm and tell them that they either grow up, accept your decision and support you in it (and your relationship), be happy for you, and be a part of the celebration, or else they don't play any part in it at all. No ifs ands or buts. If they can't grasp that, then it sounds to me like you need to find some more mature friends. Honestly, you don't need the drama.

implausible · 12-04-2010 07:22PM

the unsure op wrote: »

my friend doesnt like my girlfriend as she thinks shes a bit stuck up and takes up to much of my time.

my friends wont think im right for not inviting this girl, they will think im whipped

This just gets worse....you are having conversations with this girl about your fiancée:eek:You are THIRTY FOUR years of age and you're worried about your 'mates' calling you whipped:eek:

This is the kind of crap teenage girls go on with - bitching behind each others' backs and slagging each other, often disguising meanness as 'banter'.

Tbh, OP, you're coming across as mean, immature and not deserving of this well-mannered mature woman who puts you first.

LegacyUser · 12-04-2010 08:51PM

*really hopes the op is listening to what people are saying*

Gyalist · 12-04-2010 10:39PM

OP, I supported your position earlier in this thread but with every further post that you've made, I'm seeing that my support was misplaced.

Your "friend" has to apologise to your fiancee. You've said that it was just banter then you undermined your own position by admitting that your friend doesn't like your fiancee.
Also, if your friend doesn't think that you should be getting married why are you so keen to have her attend the wedding?

Peggypeg · 13-04-2010 08:26AM

OP, hello? you still there???

You know eveyone, I think he stopped paying attention coz we're not saying what he wants to hear, jesus that poor girl, hopefully she sees through him before they go down the aisle. It's so sickening coz she sounds like the kind of girl loads of guys would love and treat like a princess, what a waste. Fingers crossed she realises before it's too late.

sporina · 13-04-2010 08:31AM

yeah tis only right that he gives us feedback... but then again.. if he cannot communicate with the woman he is suppose to be spending the rest of his life with, he is hardly gonna be able to communicate effectively with us..

Tristram · 13-04-2010 08:37AM

I'm trying to think of a situation whereupon first meeting a friend's OH I would make a joke about them being ugly in front of both of them and a group of other people...

... nope.

Jumbo156 · 13-04-2010 09:11AM

drogman1001 wrote: »

*really hopes the op is listening to what people are saying*

I really hope his fiance reads this thread....

the unsure op wrote: »

jumbo how did your friend react to not being invited?

He acted like he should have. Realised the error of his ways. Apologised after the wedding and that was the end of it.
As I said my wife and him are now friends as is his Fiance and my wife.

OP, you really don't want to get married, do you.
You keep saying that you love your fiance, I think you prefer your mates more and are afraid to admit it.
Grow a pair and do the right thing and let this poor girl get on with her life.
At least then your friend will be happy, which you seem to think is the most important thing.

paperclip2 · 13-04-2010 09:11AM

'My God, you're some minger' is basically what your friend said to your fiancee on meeting her. Thats not banter, my dear, thats an I.N.S.U.L.T. Most women don't tend to invite people who have insulted them to their wedding, we're just funny that way. :rolleyes:

So whats the real story between you and this 'friend'? Is she an old girlfriend? Was/Is she a friend with benefits? Or is she just someone who keeps replenishing the Duracell in a little torch she carries for you? Nothing ever happened, nothing ever will, but you like the attention perhaps?

Take a step back OP, actually take a long run back from your current position and look at this whole thing again. By now the vast majority of posters have established that your friend is in fact, an insulting little madam who needs a sharp lesson in when to keep her mouth shut. Your fiancee, in high-def contrast, has acted with courtesy and grace throughout this whole affair and has only suggested that she might not like to share her wedding day with a vitriolic little harridan. Most women would have issued a flat out 'over my dead body' response to a such a request for an invite.

But its your own behaviour thats truly shocking in my humble. You have been callous, disloyal, and utterly uncaring of the feelings of the woman you are planning to marry. The saddest part is that you don't seem to even see that.

The greatest gift you could give yourself and your fiancee for your wedding is some self-awareness. Re-read this thread with an open mind, hopefully you'll have an epiphany.

Good luck.

MagicSean · 13-04-2010 09:35AM

Your friend was clearly out of line. She acts the same way my dog does when another dog comes near her. Tries to prove she's top of the pack in whatever way she could. You obviously have some sort of thing for her. If one of my female friends insulted my girlfriend like that I wouldn't just laugh along like a stupid sheep. She was obviously new to the group and uncertain how to respond. Either you should have defended her or taken her part in the banter and retliated on her behalf in good humour.

The way you talk about your friend and the fact that you see her socially in secret says to me that you have a thing for her. Sounds like a goddess worship complex. Maybe she represents the possabilities of a single life to you. In any case, starting a marraige with a secret that big is a major mistake. It'd be ruined from the start.

Unless you can find a way to make them get along you have to make a choice on whats more important, your future wife or your friend.

MagicSean · 13-04-2010 09:43AM

the unsure op wrote: »

my friend doesnt like my girlfriend as she thinks shes a bit stuck up and takes up to much of my time. she (and others in the group) arent convinced i should be marrying her at all.

This happens in every group when one person gets in a serious relationship. If your friend found someone that could stand her she would be spending less time with the group too. Just so you know. Being married will probably take up more of your time. I guarantee you that if you insulted your friends fiance like she did yours there would be fireworks and she wouldn't be happy.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2010 10:40AM

thanks again for responses everyone. i had a talk with my fiancee about this and her opinion was that she was more upset by the rudeness and me not standing up for her then what was actually said. she says she finds the girl very rude and doesnt wish to share her day with someone she finds rude.

these people have been my freinds for a long time so i feel that if i make this stand against the one girl then the others will refuse to come and it will result in me having to apologise or just cutting this group out of my life which is a really really big thing and i don't want my wedding to become about cutting friends out. i know if it goes this route then on the day i will be thinking about losing my friends a bit and people will be gossiping about it at the wedding which will be uncomfortable for both my fiancee and i.

thanks for all the nice comments about my fiancee, i know its hard for everyone to see but we really do have a great relationship and im completely sure i want to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her as my wife. shes the most amazing woman ive ever come across and i know im so lucky to have her. this issue has just thrown up a bit of difficulty and misunderstanding but hopefully were moving forward now.

the firend is just a friend. weve never had and never will have a relationship. im pretty sure if the two of them got to know each other they would like each other but i doubt that will happen.

Gyalist · 13-04-2010 10:51AM

the unsure op wrote: »

the firend is just a friend. weve never had and never will have a relationship. im pretty sure if the two of them got to know each other they would like each other but i doubt that will happen.

It won't happen because you refuse to be a man and get your friend to apologise for her behaviour.

dudara · 13-04-2010 10:56AM

the unsure op wrote: »

thanks again for responses everyone. i had a talk with my fiancee about this and her opinion was that she was more upset by the rudeness and me not standing up for her then what was actually said. she says she finds the girl very rude and doesnt wish to share her day with someone she finds rude.

the firend is just a friend. weve never had and never will have a relationship. im pretty sure if the two of them got to know each other they would like each other but i doubt that will happen.

Based on these two comments, it sounds as if they could get along - maybe a little persuasion on your part with both of them could work. If your fianceé wasn't actually offended by the comment, then maybe there's room for the two of them to become cordial/friendly.

The question here is if you can talk to your friend and get her to 'tone down' her behaviour in your fianceé's company. If your fianceé wasn't actually insulted, I don't know what an apology will do.

YOU need to apologise for not standing up for her though.

these people have been my freinds for a long time so i feel that if i make this stand against the one girl then the others will refuse to come and it will result in me having to apologise or just cutting this group out of my life which is a really really big thing and i don't want my wedding to become about cutting friends out. i know if it goes this route then on the day i will be thinking about losing my friends a bit and people will be gossiping about it at the wedding which will be uncomfortable for both my fiancee and i.

I agree - this is an unpleasant situation to be in. Have you discussed this with any of your friends? Maybe they're aware of this anyway?

BTW - what does your female friend think of your fianceé? And do you think that she is a rude person in general?

thanks for all the nice comments about my fiancee, i know its hard for everyone to see but we really do have a great relationship and im completely sure i want to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her as my wife. shes the most amazing woman ive ever come across and i know im so lucky to have her. this issue has just thrown up a bit of difficulty and misunderstanding but hopefully were moving forward now.

Wishing you all the best.

MagicSean · 13-04-2010 12:14PM

the unsure op wrote: »

thanks again for responses everyone. i had a talk with my fiancee about this and her opinion was that she was more upset by the rudeness and me not standing up for her then what was actually said. she says she finds the girl very rude and doesnt wish to share her day with someone she finds rude.

these people have been my freinds for a long time so i feel that if i make this stand against the one girl then the others will refuse to come and it will result in me having to apologise or just cutting this group out of my life which is a really really big thing and i don't want my wedding to become about cutting friends out. i know if it goes this route then on the day i will be thinking about losing my friends a bit and people will be gossiping about it at the wedding which will be uncomfortable for both my fiancee and i.

thanks for all the nice comments about my fiancee, i know its hard for everyone to see but we really do have a great relationship and im completely sure i want to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her as my wife. shes the most amazing woman ive ever come across and i know im so lucky to have her. this issue has just thrown up a bit of difficulty and misunderstanding but hopefully were moving forward now.

the firend is just a friend. weve never had and never will have a relationship. im pretty sure if the two of them got to know each other they would like each other but i doubt that will happen.

If it came down to it do you think it would be easier to lose your friends or your fiance? Is it harder to replace some drinking buddies or a soul mate? The fact that you are concerned about people gossipping shows a lack of maturity. You shouldn't be worried about what other people think. It's your life. Gossip doesn't last too long. When I started to go out with my girlfriend I got the same complaints about not spending time with friends. I stuck by my girlfriend. Now my mates all have other halves and are spending all their time with them and some are getting married. If I had chosen my mates I'd be alone now while they were all starting their families.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2010 12:17PM

Hi op, at least you've talked openly with your fiancée about this. I have to say I'm amazed at your carry-on, the initial insult, the seeing them behind her back, the tolerance of these friends bitching about her and your relationship and the prioritising their egos and view of you over her feelings. If they think she's bad for you and have been as brazen as to say so then none of that gang should be invited.

A female friend of my husbands made a similar hilarious remark at my expense on one of the first occasions that I meet his friends as a group. One difference was that she waited until he was away from the table to say it as he would have lit her from a height for saying what she said if he was there. Like your fiancée I said nought at the time because it would have been awkward for the night but I went to leave early and told him why......As soon as she saw us talking she legged it and avoided me afterwards and tried to only meet up with my now husband. He declined any invites and next time they met she tried to act all buddy buddy and he told her outright that she was so far out of line that he could have nothing to do with her until she apologised. Which she did, I accepted the apology and they meet up in a group with or without me but she remained passively hostile to our relationship. Her behaviour ruined their friendship. Maybe she tried to dress it up as him being 'whipped' maybe not, he was secure enough in himself and our relationship to be a man with integrity and standards.

Your post reminded me of how lucky I am, thanks for that. That group and that girl in particular have so little respect for you and yet you pander to their whims it just astounds me.

We invited this woman to our wedding afters, she may have been a bit offended not to be invited to the whole thing but given her uncivil behaviour towards me and our relationship (and by extension disrespect to my husband) what could she expect? I'm so shocked that you find their behaviour acceptable and feel so sorry for your fiancée.

sporina · 13-04-2010 12:26PM

OP you need to grow up - they do not sound like real friends.. if they were then you would be able to talk to this girl and perhaps ask her to make an effort with your fiance....

I am not being mean - but you just want an easy life - remain a part of the herd - but at your fiance's expense..

i could understand this being a predicament - well if you were 13... but you need to be a man - and tell it like it is to your mates... mind you i don't know why you would bother - they do not sound v nice - but i guess you need to feel a part of the gang,... you sound like a teenager -

Penn · 13-04-2010 01:12PM

the unsure op wrote: »

these people have been my freinds for a long time so i feel that if i make this stand against the one girl then the others will refuse to come and it will result in me having to apologise or just cutting this group out of my life which is a really really big thing and i don't want my wedding to become about cutting friends out. i know if it goes this route then on the day i will be thinking about losing my friends a bit and people will be gossiping about it at the wedding which will be uncomfortable for both my fiancee and i.

So this is the main problem you're facing? You don't want to lose your friends. Question is, when this girl insulted your fiancee, was she thinking about how she might lose you as a friend? If you asked her to apologise, in order to make your fiancee happy and so as your friend could come to the wedding, would they all really turn their back on you? Why would they take her side over yours when you are completely in the right? Would they want to lose you as a friend over something so trivial to them, but which is a big issue to you?

Here's an idea, talk to one of your other friends. Alone. Explain the situation to them and get their opinion. Tell them how you don't want to cause a fuss but you're just trying to do the right thing by everyone, so everyone is happy. If they agree she should apologise, then talk to the girl and get her to apologise. If she tries to kick up a stink, you should have that other friend to help back you up.

This is a solution to keep everyone happy, but OP, the most important person you have to keep happy is your fiancee. She MUST come before everyone else.

the_syco · 13-04-2010 01:35PM

the unsure op wrote: »

i said to everyone this is my girlfriend (name) the other girl made this comment, everybody laughed and we got on with the night and conversation. my girlfriend stayed pretty quiet most of the night and left early.

when we had our mini conversation about the guest list and that i was inviting my friend she seemed surprised and said she wouldnt be happy having her there as she found her very rude. i told her it was just banter but she said she felt it wasnt just banter it was rudeness. my girlfriends pet peeve is rudeness so i think if it wasnt she wouldnt react this way.

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

I think your friend needs to be the one to "build a bridge" with your future-wife.

the unsure op wrote: »

theyve never met since as my friend doesnt really like my girlfriend either

It seems your friend is being a complete cow in that case, and may have wanted to cause the friction.

the unsure op wrote: »

she was only having the banter so why should she have to apologise?

So, if I called your mother an ugly whore with a face like the arse of a homeless man who just ate the strongest curry, and wiped his arse with glass, called it banter, you'd be okay with it? I think not. So why exactly should your future-wife be okay with being called ugly by someone who obviously doesn't like her?

the unsure op wrote: »

my friend doesnt like my girlfriend as she thinks shes a bit stuck up and takes up to much of my time. she (and others in the group) arent convinced i should be marrying her at all.

Christ, they sound like an immature bunch. You're marrying someone for the rest of your life, and they're thinking along the lines of how it's an inconvenience to them? :eek:

And lad, you are so so soooooooooooo whipped by this girl. Like, oh man. She hasn't even responded to a question you're afriad to ask her, and already you're fearing the backlash.

the unsure op wrote: »

i know if i said to the girl that she needed to apologise she would get annoyed and tell everybody in the group and it would become a them vs us thing.

So you know that if you were to tell your friend to apologise to your future-wife for calling her ugly, she'd gang up on you? You seem to doubt their loyalty to you. And they seem to be fairly immature.

the unsure op wrote: »

im 34 and my girlfriend is 29. not that it matters.

But it does. You are now a man, so stop acting like a puberty ridden teenager fearing getting ousted from your gang. Are ANY of the rest of the gang "friends", or is it just this girl? I ask as the way you portray it sounds like they are her friends, and will follow her, and not think for themselves and side with you?

the unsure op wrote: »

not inviting this girl would cause a great deal of friction and a lot of other people would get involved which is really hassle i dont neeed

Talking to this girl would solve the friction. If you think she'll blow a casket if you ask her to apologise, how the f**k will she act at the wedding when someone else does? Same as always? Calling your wife ugly, and saying you could have done better?

the unsure op wrote: »

im pretty sure if the two of them got to know each other they would like each other but i doubt that will happen.

Unless you be a man now, this will be a spanner in the works for the rest of your relationship. It may not even get to marriage by the sounds of things, as you seem to want to please this girl more than you want to please your future-wife!

I'm seeing why I tend to avoid PI.

Kimia · 13-04-2010 01:39PM

Op can you please answer this question?

Do you think that everyone that responded to you are all wrong and that we are also being unreasonable?

sporina · 13-04-2010 01:53PM

OP needs to do a course in self assertiveness or something..

if this is the way he needs to please them I doubt they have much respect for him anyway...

christina_x · 13-04-2010 02:16PM

OP, did anything ever happen between you and your friend? i mean, did you ever get together or go out or anything?? or is it possible that she has feelings for you? because it sounds a hell of a lot like jealousy. From the way you describe your fiance, she's a very attractive girl and im sure she must know that in the least, shes not ugly - first thing a bully will do is destroy this knowledge. Shes trying to destroy your fiances confidence because of her own insecurities and feels threatened. All i know is that when meeting any boyfriends/girlfriends of my friends, my group tends to go out of our way to include them in conversation and make sure they arn't feeling lost - we all know how **** that feels. You friend knows this.. shes not an idiot or a recluse, shes been in a situation with a group of people where she feels awkward and out of place, and she damn well knows that that feeling is intensified when meeting your partners friends. Shes a bitch, simple as. Shes a rude child who needs to be put in her place. If shes not invited, she might see that what goes around comes around, - that when she makes somebody feel **** and excluded, she will feel the same. What stands out to me and makes me think that there are feelings between the two of you is that you care more about your friends feelings being hurt than you did about your girlfriends that night

Darthhoob · 13-04-2010 03:06PM

the unsure op wrote: »

thanks again for responses everyone. i had a talk with my fiancee about this and her opinion was that she was more upset by the rudeness and me not standing up for her then what was actually said. she says she finds the girl very rude and doesnt wish to share her day with someone she finds rude.

these people have been my freinds for a long time so i feel that if i make this stand against the one girl then the others will refuse to come and it will result in me having to apologise or just cutting this group out of my life which is a really really big thing and i don't want my wedding to become about cutting friends out. i know if it goes this route then on the day i will be thinking about losing my friends a bit and people will be gossiping about it at the wedding which will be uncomfortable for both my fiancee and i.

thanks for all the nice comments about my fiancee, i know its hard for everyone to see but we really do have a great relationship and im completely sure i want to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her as my wife. shes the most amazing woman ive ever come across and i know im so lucky to have her. this issue has just thrown up a bit of difficulty and misunderstanding but hopefully were moving forward now.

the firend is just a friend. weve never had and never will have a relationship. im pretty sure if the two of them got to know each other they would like each other but i doubt that will happen.

marriage is about a new start, a new path in life...it's good for seperating the wheat from the chaff....
having children does much the same, you soon find out who your friends are when you start having kids i find lol.

Fiancée doesnt want my friends at wedding

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