Fiancée doesnt want my friends at wedding

Victor

OP, a question - how true was the comment? Or was it ironic and some previous girlfriend were "beautiful"?

Uglyornot wrote: »

Being a woman, I think I would take a snide remark like that from a female friend of my boyfriend who I've only just met as a rather strong indication that said female friend is actually secretly harbouring feelings for my boyfriend that go a little further than friendship!

Isn't that a bit paranoid (yes, I realise many people have their own little paranoias)?

iguana

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Balance it up - a friend made a comment, the majority laughed and accepted it as humourous but your partner is the only exception and now objects to them coming to your wedding. Who's in the right here - one person or everyone else?

You mean the one and only person who was the butt of this joke was wrong not to laugh because all the people who weren't the butt of the joke did laugh? That's honestly one of the silliest comments I've ever seen on this board.

OP, as many others have said the fact that it was a female friend who said this is even worse. A guy might have made such a comment in ignorance, but with a girl it's more likely to have been fairly calculated and bitchy in it's intention.

I'm a massively confident person and I'm more than happy with the way I look. I'm also well versed in the writing of Joss Whedon so I know how to counter a "funny" bitchy comment with an equally hilarious cutting remark. If I had been in your girlfriend's place and someone implied I was ugly and everyone laughed I wouldn't be hurt as I know I'm fairly pretty, I'd laugh and make a similar joke back. An innocent observer would think it was all great fun, but what would actually have happened was a píssing contest. The "friend" would have been trying to exert her dominance over her territory (you) and I would have told her in no uncertain terms to fuçk right off. We would never, ever be friends. I'd have her pegged as a complete and total bitch however I'd be more than happy to have her at my wedding because it would be the ultimate way to píss in her face.:)

In your GFs case your "friend" tried to exert herself and she obviously hit a nerve. Pretty easily, as most people do have a degree of insecurity about their looks. If she hadn't meant to hurt her she would have apologised as soon as she saw your GF was upset. But it doesn't sound like she did, at least not sincerely. The fact that you laughed backed up your "friend" and put your GF down, and the fact that you are making such a fuss over the wedding only further enhances this imbalance.

You really need to open your eyes here. Your friend was completely and totally horrible to the woman you plan on spending the rest of your life with. She purposefully put her down and you laughed. You either need to cop on to what happened and try to put it right or you should leave the poor girl to find a more deserving husband.

Chinafoot

Victor wrote: »

Isn't that a bit paranoid (yes, I realise many people have their own little paranoias)?

Not necessarily. I would find it far more unusual for this situation to have been brought about by a woman making a horrible comment like that. If it was a man it would be a bit easier to put down to a joke. Most women don't really like having their looks commented on so for it to come from another woman is extra harsh.

OP, how long ago did this meeting happen? I can see why your girlfriend had no desire to have further contact with them and you cocked up by not sorting this out earlier. You should have spoken to your friend and told her she upset your girlfriend. This friend, if she is one, should have then apologised sincerely to your girlfriend.

As it stands now, you want people to come to your wedding that she has only met once, and during that one encounter one of them openly insulted her to her face and you and the rest laughed along. If I was her I wouldn't want them there either.

Edit:

Also, I don't see her behaviour as controlling. She hasn't stopped you seeing these friends at all, she just decided she didn't want to be around people that were so nasty to her. You also said that she hasn't decided she absolutely won't have them there, she has merely told you how upset it would make her to have them there, so your last line of "im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends," holds no weight. You have allowed this situation to fester and if you want these people at your wedding you need to sort this out. Its not up to her. She was the one who was insulted and laughed at. If you make a joke that upsets people you apologise, its the decent thing to do. Did you even speak to your friend about this? Did you let them know that your girlfriend was upset or did you just shrug it off as your missus being unreasonable?

tinkerbell

Ok so your stupid friend insulted your girlfriend by implying she was ugly, she laughed, your other friends laughed and you laughed too? I'm surprised she even stayed with you and your friends for the rest of that night. Now she doesn't want this ignorant friend of yours at your wedding? Can't say I'm not surprised. Your friend sounds like a complete idiot to be honest.

And another thing - you should not have laughed at some stupid remark, you're just as bad as your friend, if not worse. Your girlfriend's feelings must really have been hurt. She met this bunch of friends for the first time so no doubt was nervous, then she gets insulted and you laugh along? Cop onto yourself. Get your friend to apologise. I don't blame her for not wanting her at your wedding.

Eve_Dublin

I agree with all the posters taking your girlfriend's side. Just to add, you're friends sound like a right barrel of laughs! Such astute comedic wit! I for one would LOVE to have this hilarious bunch of cards at what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life! Who wouldn't!

HOW in God's name could your girlfriend find that comment anything BUT offensive? There's crap jokes and then there's this.

Darthhoob

the unsure op wrote: »

in short my fiancee doesnt want my friends to come to our wedding. its a source of heartache for me and im left wondering if im reallly marrying the right woman. i really love her but her inability to allow me to have my friend with me on such an important day is crippling. when she met this particular group of friends one of them was having banter with her which she didnt see and thought it was them being rude. it was something along the lines of saying i only go out with good looking girls and they didnt see why i was with her etc and they all found it funny except for my girlfriend. she said she was annoyed that i was laughing with them but it was only a joke. since then she hasnt come to any meetings with this group. on planning our wedding when we made our list she said she doesnt want these people there as it might prevent her enjoying her big day but not having them there will prevent me from enjoying my day and im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends,

any ideas on what to do

wow, that's as funny as a heart attack....how stupid. i dont blame her for not wanting to meet them again....surpirsed she stayed with you tbh after you laughing along with people implying she was ugly..........

BUT that doesn't excuse her for banning them from the wedding...i can see why she would want to...but it's not just her day.

Darthhoob

the unsure op wrote: »

sorry just too clear one thing up, it wasnt a guy that made the joke it was a girl. it was the first time they had all met before we got engaged. it was my girlfriend and about 6 of my friends. about 10 mins into us meeting one of the girls said something funny about my girlfriend, we all laughed and got on with the night out except her. she didnt kaugh at anything and left at the earliest opportunity. whenever im going out with these friends she wont come and i feel like its them or her tbh. she said she doesnt want them at our wedding because it will hurt her not that they absolutely cant be there but them not being there will hurt me

ok that's 1000x worse lol

women are their own worst enemies alot of the time, especially in the way of appearances. your female friend implying your gf was ugly would have seemed much more like a bitchy nasty comment (which it normally is when one female says that to another female) than a joke..your friend was laughing, your other friends were laughing...and most of all...you were laughing....as if agreeing with your friend...no wonder your gf never wanted to see them again....not many people would have!

she wants to feel and look beautiful on her big day (and i know it's your too so you need to talk about this, and get your friend to try and sort if out too if she wants to come to wedding)...the very last thing she needs is someone their who told her she isn't...within 10 mins of meeting her...and who YOU agreed with.

perri winkles

I can't believe your friend, a female, would be such a b*tch to another woman on their first meeting. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

On a wedding day the bride wants to feel like the most beautiful person in the room. How could your fiance feel like this knowing that snide girl would be sitting in the church watching her and judging her? Possibly making rude comments behind her back?

I agree with all the other posters. You need to seriously wake up. I would not be tolerating that sort of behaviour from a girl i've only met, let alone invite her to my wedding. Absoloutely not.

Your fiance was being tolerant by even hanging around for the night, I would have been gone! Why should she be spoken to in that way? Also agree this could indicate that the girl has feelings for you.

She needs to apologise as do you, or she doesn't get invited to the wedding. Simple as.

Kimono-Girl

ok my two cents on this:

1st: As a girl and having met my fiancé's friends for the first time a year and a half ago, if one of them made a joke like that (im fairly sure one of them did tbh) i would have just laughed it off, im not the best looking girl but im confident enough to know he wouldn't date me if he didnt like me, and lets face it when you first meet your OH's best friends for the first time it is a nerve racking experiance, maybe they were just looking for something to talk about and all they knew about her was how she looked, it was 10 minutes into meeting her ffs! not the brightest of things to say but then i myself have been known to say stupid things at stupid times in front of people and offending them without even realising! I can only assume she's not too hurt about you laughing with them as she is still with you!

2nd OP i would be very worried about her not letting your friends join in the biggest day you will have in your life, at the end of the day its not just her desicion (and what would be the outcome if you told her not to bring her friends, to keep it just family so your friends dont feel left out-i doubt you'd live long to be honest) she brings her friends you bring yours!

it's your day too and im sorry but do you want to marry a girl who won't let you bring your friends? thats quite controlling and worrying that she doesn't consider you or your feelings at all (regardless of past mistakes on your part), we all have to compromise, its what marriage is based on and she's not compromising based on what you say, thats a bad start to any marriage!!

mrsdewinter

Jebus OP. Your so-called 'friend' with the off-colour line in banter sounds like a bitch. Why do you even want her at your wedding?

cafecolour

Wow. See if someone said that comment to me, I'd assume they were taking the piss and clearly saying I WAS attractive in a joking way. Now I'm left wondering if this many folks on boards have really low self-esteem or I've just got a massive ego

OP, now I'm going to almost say you should delay the wedding and go to couples counseling. I'm put the blame on one or the other of you for this festering the long - I'm going to blame BOTH of you. Whatever combination of stubbornness, passive-aggressiveness, and whatnot got it to this point you two clearly have horrible communication with each other - and that needs to be resolved before anything.

seahorse

I'm sorry but your friends sound like a shower of arseholes.

Reesy

This is a pretty polarised debate. Here's a suggestion.

Could you get the 2 women in question together (alone, or with just the OP there) to talk this out? IMHO if the friend was mature enough and cared enough about you, OP, to apologise sincerely for the hurt she caused, then she'd have proved herself. Likewise if the fiancee can accept an apology with good grace and then invite said friend to the wedding, that's a sign of the sort of maturity that I'd expect in a marriage. If either refused to try for your sake, then maybe you'd know which way to side.

If neither would cooperate, then you'd have some big questions to answer.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

just to clarify again that my girlfriend is not demanding that my friends can't be there and has never stopped me seeing them. when i am seeing them which is about once every two weeks, sometimes more, she just doesn't come. also for the record my girlfriend is gorgeous, she doesn't think she is as gorgeous as she is but she is drop dead beautiful and i have gone out with some crackers in the past. pretty much everything else about our relationship is great. both of us work a lot and her schedule is busier than mine but she's more organised than me and always finds time for me no matter what. she is great with my family and helps me a bit with work, shes fantastic at socialising especially in work social events, people are always commenting on how charming and elegant she is. shes extremely funny and kind and does so much to make my life better and happier. the only real problem we have is this incident.

what happened was my girl and i arrived at the venue, we found my friends and went to get a drink at the bar, we came back to where my friends were - about 7 of them and when we took off our jackets and joined in on the conversation and i said to everyone this is my girlfriend (name) the other girl made this comment, everybody laughed and we got on with the night and conversation. my girlfriend stayed pretty quiet most of the night and left early.

when we had our mini conversation about the guest list and that i was inviting my friend she seemed surprised and said she wouldnt be happy having her there as she found her very rude. i told her it was just banter but she said she felt it wasnt just banter it was rudeness. my girlfriends pet peeve is rudeness so i think if it wasnt she wouldnt react this way.

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

Barracudaincork

OP, you say this happened before you got engaged, and now that you are planning the wedding, would i be right to assume this incident happened some time ago, at least a year? Id be worried about how your partner can harbour hatred and contempt etc towards someone for so long over a comment, regardless if the comment was rude or a joke etc

Surely if she is mature enough to get married she should be mature enough to get over this? At the end of the day, sometimes you need to forgive and forget and move on with life and harbouring feelings like this isnt healthy for her or anyone.

dudara

the unsure op wrote: »

the other girl made this comment, everybody laughed and we got on with the night and conversation. my girlfriend stayed pretty quiet most of the night and left early

she wouldnt be happy having her there as she found her very rude. i told her it was just banter but she said she felt it wasnt just banter it was rudeness.

Look at what I've highlighted in your post. Your fiancee was clearly quite upset by your friend's comment.

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

For whatever reason, that comment hurt her and therefore it isn't a matter of 'brushing it off'.

LegacyUser

I think this is somewhat of a lost cause, to be honest. The OP doesn't see why this would have upset his g/f and therefore doesn't have the capability to resolve it.

The majority of people here are telling you that you were wrong to laugh along with this. At the best of times a joke like that isn't really funny and a veiled insult. This was A) said by another girl which 9/10 is most likely a bitchy comment (believe me, as a female I hate saying this but there are so many bitchy women out there) and the very first time she met your friends!!

To those saying she should have taken it as a joke and clearly it was meant as the opposite of what was said, you're either a male or never had an experience with a bitchy woman!

How would I have handled this? When she said that I would have replied, "Ah, so you and him have obviously never got it on" and that would have shut her up. And if she'd said "Actually, we have" I'd have replied "Oh right, dropped your standards there didn't you "insert b/f name"" The only way with cows like that.

I also agree with the person (or people) who said she's probably harbouring some feelings for this guy and clearly he is for her because what guy would laugh along with a clear insult to his g/f?

I had a similar situation (but the reverse) when I met my last b/f. We were out in a group of friends and he (bravely) made his way over and started chatting to me. One of my then friends loves being the centre of attention and clearly didn't like it when this guy didn't pay her any attention. She was really rude to him telling him "You don't stand a chance with her so why'd you bother coming over" - I pulled her aside and told her to cop onto herself and not to be so rude, she apologised to him when we came back. And this was a guy I barely knew. It's about respect and you've shown none to your g/f.

Chinafoot

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP, you say this happened before you got engaged, and now that you are planning the wedding, would i be right to assume this incident happened some time ago, at least a year? Id be worried about how your partner can harbour hatred and contempt etc towards someone for so long over a comment, regardless if the comment was rude or a joke etc

Thats all a bit dramatic really. Hatred and contempt? The girlfriend has only met these people once and one of them made a horrible joke (I'm sorry but if someone I didn't know said that to me I would think they are a complete bitch, no matter how funny they think they are) and they haven't had any interaction since.

OP, you need to speak to your friend about it and see if she'll apologise. Your girlfriend isn't stopping them going but if they do attend with the way things are she won't enjoy her day. Rudeness isn't a pet peeve of mine but I can promise you, if that happened to me I wouldn't waste my time on these so-called friends of yours either so I don't think you can fob it off with "if she didn't hate rudeness so much she'd be fine. It was bitchy and nasty and when it became obvious that it had caused upset (the fact that she never met them again must have raised a few questions with the comedians) an apology should have been offered.

Don't just bury your head in the sand on this OP, you need to do what you should have done right after it happened and speak to your friend. If you want them there you need to be pro-active in sorting this out so both you and your girlfriend can enjoy your day.

LegacyUser

i can understand why shed be upset if they were calling her ugly but they werent it was just banter, although this crowd can be heavy with the banter. theyve never met since as my friend doesnt really like my girlfriend either and as i said she works a lot of odd hours and doesnt come with me when im seeing these people. a lot of the time im seeing them shes at work and doesnt know anyway. i wouldnt ask my friend to apologise, that would humiliate me to this group and i know she wouldnt anyway, she was only having the banter so why should she have to apologise?

to the comment about my girlfriend harbouring comtempt, its not like that at all, shes never said one bad word about this girl except that night and when it came up when we were planning wedding list. all she has said was she found her rude and she would prefer not to have her at her wedding. my point is as shes my friend i want her and the group to be at my wedding, so how do i make my girlfriend see that so we can just get on with it? i couldnt not invite this group to my wedding and i definitely couldnt not invite one person.

Toots

OP, I can totally see where your fiancée is coming from, if one of my fiancé's friends had said something like that to me when I first met them, then I'd probably not have wanted to have anything to do with them either, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted them at our wedding.

the unsure op wrote: »

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

It's not just your wedding, it's her wedding too. TBH, OP you're coming across as quite selfish. She hasn't banned all your friends from the wedding, she just doesn't want to invite this one girl, who frankly sounds like a cow. Your priority on your wedding day should be that you and your wife have one of the best days of your lives. If this one rude girl's presence is going to make or break the day for you, then you need to take a long hard look at your priorities in life.

tinkerbell

the unsure op wrote: »

what happened was my girl and i arrived at the venue, we found my friends and went to get a drink at the bar, we came back to where my friends were - about 7 of them and when we took off our jackets and joined in on the conversation and i said to everyone this is my girlfriend (name) the other girl made this comment, everybody laughed and we got on with the night and conversation. my girlfriend stayed pretty quiet most of the night and left early.

when we had our mini conversation about the guest list and that i was inviting my friend she seemed surprised and said she wouldnt be happy having her there as she found her very rude. i told her it was just banter but she said she felt it wasnt just banter it was rudeness. my girlfriends pet peeve is rudeness so i think if it wasnt she wouldnt react this way.

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

First of all, a wedding is not all about your friends, including this rude bitch of a friend that you have. The wedding is about you and your soon-to-be wife. So get a grip on reality here. Who is more important? Your fiancee or some cow who called her ugly? Are you for real?!

Think of something you're self-conscious about. Now imagine meeting your gf's friends for the first time and one of them making a complete fool of you, everybody laughs at you and your gf joins in. You wouldn't be so keen to see again the person who made that comment now, would you?

Oh and by the way, you're delusional if you thought that was just banter, it was the height of rudeness. So suck it up and accept that this "friend" of yours won't be anywhere on the wedding guest list.

Darthhoob

the unsure op wrote: »

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

and not your future wife?

supermonkey

OP you sound very immature and unready for marriage. It also sounds like it is not 'friends' but 'friend'. Your fiancee doesn't want some spiteful see you next tuesday sniggering at her as she walks down the aisle. Make a choice and if you can't choose your fiancee over this other woman ( friend or FB by the way?) than walk away.

ddef

Sure, you can always get a divorce if it all goes south. Itd be her family paying for the wedding anyway.

D rog

the unsure op wrote: »

i wouldnt ask my friend to apologise, that would humiliate me to this group and i know she wouldnt anyway, she was only having the banter so why should she have to apologise?

How would having a quiet word with the 'friend' about the comment upsetting your soon to be wife, humiliate you? Usually if you unintentionally upset someone it's easy to apologise, why are you sure she won't?

Jack B. Badd

the unsure op wrote: »

i wouldnt ask my friend to apologise, that would humiliate me to this group and i know she wouldnt anyway, she was only having the banter so why should she have to apologise?

I don't understand why you can't brush off your humiliation so that you can both enjoy your wedding...

It seems a bit of a double standard. You hold your feelings (and that of your friend) in higher regard than your fiancée's. That's a worrying sign given that you intend to spend your life with this woman.

blairbear

If this friend is in anyway a decent person, and you explained the situation to her, and how much your fiancee was hurt, why wouldn't she apologise?

Does that not speak VOLUMES to you about her character if you're one hundred percent that she won't?? Come on...We all have to do things we're not totally comfortable with at times in relationships. It's called compromise.

You sound very pig-headed on this topic. Why have you posted looking for advice if you dismiss all of the very reasonable advice given to you here? Do you just want us all to agree that your fiancee is a silly little girl and should have just taken the slagging and shut up?!! You've said yourself she's insecure about her looks..and you still can't seem to see this from her point of view...

Pretty_Pistol

the unsure op wrote: »

in short my fiancee doesnt want my friends to come to our wedding. its a source of heartache for me and im left wondering if im reallly marrying the right woman. i really love her but her inability to allow me to have my friend with me on such an important day is crippling. when she met this particular group of friends one of them was having banter with her which she didnt see and thought it was them being rude. it was something along the lines of saying i only go out with good looking girls and they didnt see why i was with her etc and they all found it funny except for my girlfriend. she said she was annoyed that i was laughing with them but it was only a joke. since then she hasnt come to any meetings with this group. on planning our wedding when we made our list she said she doesnt want these people there as it might prevent her enjoying her big day but not having them there will prevent me from enjoying my day and im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends,

any ideas on what to do

You honestly can't see how she could have been offended? It's the first time she meets this set of friends and one of them says that to her and then you all laugh? I think most people would find that rude and belittling. And it's worse that it was from another girl which this friend of yours seems to be.

What you have to try and do is get them to meet sometime soon and see how they get on. The fact that they havin't met since means all your fiancee remembers of this friend is something negative.

LegacyUser

OP you appear to be very single minded. There's a lot of people on here siding with your girlfriend and you still can't see where she's coming from at all. The comment your friend made was completely bitchy. You can dress it up as a joke all you want. Your friend sounds like an inconsiderate ****. Is it possible she fancies you? I feel sorry for your fiance to be engaged to someone so blind to her feelings.

Kimia

my friend doesnt really like my girlfriend either

i wouldnt ask my friend to apologise, that would humiliate me to this group and i know she wouldnt anyway, she was only having the banter so why should she have to apologise?

to the comment about my girlfriend harbouring comtempt, its not like that at all, shes never said one bad word about this girl all she has said was she found her rude and she would prefer not to have her at her wedding.

What the hell is wrong with you dude? Why doesn't your friend like your girlfriend? I thought they only met the once?

You sound like you care more about this female friend than your fiancee. She openly insulted her in front of you and you don't care.

Your girlfriend has never ever said anything bad about this female friend of yours, even though the same 'friend' has insulted her to her face in front of your entire group of friends. All she has asked you, her fiancee, is to understand that she wouldn't be comfortable having this b&tch at her wedding.

You boggle my mind man. I have never heard someone care so little about someone they are supposed to love and want to marry. You care more about your 'humiliation' in front of this group - who by the way all sound horrible - than the feelings of your fiancee.

This makes me sick. Grow a pair man. Seriously. I am actually enraged reading this. Your posts make you out to me a spineless, weak willed wastrel who cares desperately about how other people view you. She's better off without you. :mad: