Fiancée doesnt want my friends at wedding

StormWarrior

minidazzler wrote: »

Noone, not even the most socially inept, is gonna call the girl of a friend ugly to the friend and the girl if they actually mean it.

This isn't strictly true. When my friend began dating an overweight and not very glamorous girl, a very rude friend of the boyfriend said in front of the pair that the girl was "dog rank" and asked what he was doing with her, resulting in the embarrassed boyfriend soon dumping the girl.

The girl who insulted your girlfriend.... maybe your girlfriend is worried that that girl fancies you and is trying to put you off her, or maybe she's worried that if she associates with this person in future she'll have to endure further bullying. Most people want to make a good impression on their mate's new girlfriend and get along with her, the fact that your friend immediately insulted her and laughed at her, unprovoked, suggests to me that she isn't that bothered about your happiness either. The fact that you won't even ask your friend to apologise to the woman you supposedly love and want to spend the rest of your life with is worrying, why should your girlfriend make a big compromise by having these people at her wedding when you won't make a small compromise by asking your friend to apologise?

She were also willing to say something so rude in front of you, who knows if she might have said other things to her when you were out of earshot?

Every girl wants to feel happy and have her beauty appreciated on her wedding day, maybe she doesn't want to be worried the whole time that this friend of yours will say something rude to embarrass her in front of all of her family and friends?

If you can't make this one small compromise for your future wife, then maybe you shouldn't be marrying her. Marriage entails alot of compromises and it doesn't sound like you care about your fiance's feelings enough to do that. Who is this friend of yours anyway? Is she such an important part of your life that it's worth losing your fiance over? Friends come and go but your wife would hopefully be with you for life.

You're already prioritising your friend over your fiance - that's not a good omen. Maybe your girlfriend is right to be worried? Maybe this is even a test to see if marrying you will be a mistake or not?

the unsure op wrote: »

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

It's her wedding too. The way you say, "I want to enjoy my wedding with my friends.." from your whole post, it sounds like all you care about is you and your friends, your fiance doesn't even register on your list of priorities. Surely you and your fiance both enjoying your wedding day together should be a higher priority? You make it sound like it's just a party for you and your friends. Adding up everything you've said in total, you sound selfish, uncaring, immature and not ready for marriage. I think your fiance would be better off finding someone else.

Zaph

ddef wrote: »

Sure, you can always get a divorce if it all goes south. Itd be her family paying for the wedding anyway.

ddef, you may wish to acquaint yourself with the part of the charter dealing with unhelpful posts before posting in PI again.

Kimia

She were also willing to say something so rude in front of you, who knows if she might have said other things to her when you were out of earshot?

Very true, but sadly the OP doesn't really seem to give a sh8t about how badly the friend has treated his fiancee to be honest..

Barracudaincork

the unsure op wrote: »

in short my fiancee doesnt want my friends to come to our wedding. its a source of heartache for me and im left wondering if im reallly marrying the right woman. i really love her but her inability to allow me to have my friend with me on such an important day is crippling. on planning our wedding when we made our list she said she doesnt want these people there as it might prevent her enjoying her big day

the unsure op wrote: »

all she has said was she found her rude and she would prefer not to have her at her wedding.

Your op stated she "doesnt" want your friends at the wedding, now you say she said "prefer not" to, which is it? The only reason i said contempt was because that was the impression i got from your opening post (your 2nd post wasnt approved before i posted mine).

Big different between someone saying that they cant come and preferring them not to come. You need to be clear about what she said to get honest true advice.

implausible

OP, the title of this thread is quite misleading. Your fiancé hasn't demanded that none of your friends go to your wedding, she would prefer that one person isn't there. There's a world of difference and to be honest, the title is very dramatic as if you want everyone to say 'what an unreasonable b%tch'.

Your fiancée hates rudeness and this girl was rude and bitchy to her the first time they met. Added to this, you, the husband-to-be, are more concerned with being humiliated (again, very dramatic wording) in front of this so-called friend, by asking her to apologise, than with your fiancée's wishes on the biggest day of your lives.

Now, maybe she should "get over it", but perhaps the reason she hasn't brought it up so far is because she hates rudeness and doesn't want to sink to the level of this girl, who she knows doesn't like her.

Tbh, it sounds like you're looking for a way out here and it's very worrying that your happiness on the day depends on the presence or absence of this girl.

dixiefly

the unsure op wrote: »

i can understand why shed be upset if they were calling her ugly but they werent it was just banter, although this crowd can be heavy with the banter. theyve never met since as my friend doesnt really like my girlfriend either and as i said she works a lot of odd hours and doesnt come with me when im seeing these people. a lot of the time im seeing them shes at work and doesnt know anyway. i wouldnt ask my friend to apologise, that would humiliate me to this group and i know she wouldnt anyway, she was only having the banter so why should she have to apologise?

to the comment about my girlfriend harbouring comtempt, its not like that at all, shes never said one bad word about this girl except that night and when it came up when we were planning wedding list. all she has said was she found her rude and she would prefer not to have her at her wedding. my point is as shes my friend i want her and the group to be at my wedding, so how do i make my girlfriend see that so we can just get on with it? i couldnt not invite this group to my wedding and i definitely couldnt not invite one person.

You say that your friend doesnt like your girlfriend either, on what basis did she develop that opinion considering that they only met once and she was the one that made the offending remark???

Also, some people have said what your girlfriend could have said. We can all think of clever things to say but it is much more difficult to come up with the clever remark and use it appropriately. Your girlfriend was probably surprised by your friends remark and would have to have been very used to and expecting the banter to make some of the comments suggested.

tinkerbell

the unsure op wrote: »

i can understand why shed be upset if they were calling her ugly but they werent it was just banter, although this crowd can be heavy with the banter. theyve never met since as my friend doesnt really like my girlfriend either and as i said she works a lot of odd hours and doesnt come with me when im seeing these people. a lot of the time im seeing them shes at work and doesnt know anyway. i wouldnt ask my friend to apologise, that would humiliate me to this group and i know she wouldnt anyway, she was only having the banter so why should she have to apologise?

to the comment about my girlfriend harbouring comtempt, its not like that at all, shes never said one bad word about this girl except that night and when it came up when we were planning wedding list. all she has said was she found her rude and she would prefer not to have her at her wedding. my point is as shes my friend i want her and the group to be at my wedding, so how do i make my girlfriend see that so we can just get on with it? i couldnt not invite this group to my wedding and i definitely couldnt not invite one person.

I can't believe the crap you're coming out with - do you even read what you write before you hit the Post Reply button? Your girlfriend is better off without you. You seem to care a bit too much about this friend of yours who you have also said doesn't like your girlfriend - and they have met only once!

It's YOU who needs the wake up call. Get over yourself. Your friend means nothing to your fiancee - she's just a stupid jealous cow who insulted her the first time they met. Why should she be invited to the wedding? The wedding is about the BOTH of you, not just you. Jees, they talk about bridezillas being the me, me, me person at a wedding but in your case, you're the bridezilla. You're so selfish wanting someone there who your fiancee doesn't want.

Argh! This thread has made me so annoyed, I really feel sorry for your fiancee having such a selfish fiance who doesn't give a crap about her feelings but cares how he would look in front of another girl. Grow a pair already.

Jumbo156

Sounds really easy to me, and I did it, so i know what I am talking about..
One of my friends, and to this day I still don't know why, chose to ignore my g/f at the time, now wife, for about 4 years.

Wedding plans are being made, My fiance asks " Why do you want xxx at the wedding, he has ignored me for the last 4 years".
Fair point, everybody else invited, xxx isn't.

Everybody in my group tells me I was right not to invite him.
Even he himself admits now that I was right not to invite him and he and my wife are now friends.

Invite your friends but leave the girl who made the remark out.
Maybe that'll teach her to think before speaking in the future...

LegacyUser

i can understand why she was offended if the comment was serious but i dont think it was. i know the banter of this group can be a bit harsh but my girlfriend is well able for banter. i asked why she didnt respond and she said she felt it would be rude to make a retort like that to a group of people she doesnt know. i can see her point but im fairly sure that if she had said something smart everybody would have laughed again and that would be that.

my friend doesnt like my girlfriend as she thinks shes a bit stuck up and takes up to much of my time. she (and others in the group) arent convinced i should be marrying her at all.

my fiancee said SHE doesnt want the girl at the wedding as she would prefer her not to come-same thing isnt it??? She hasnt said they absolutely cant come.

in the group that night there were 2 girls and 5 guys, i know if i said to the girl that she needed to apologise she would get annoyed and tell everybody in the group and it would become a them vs us thing. i explained it to my girlfriend and she says she understands i would be uncomfortable and doesnt need me to do it but would be very uncomfortable having this girl at our wedding. i can see her point obviously but it leaves me in a very awkward position. my friends wont think im right for not inviting this girl, they will think im whipped and that my girlfriend is controlling as other posters have also said.

jumbo how did your friend react to not being invited?

my girlfriend cant really let rudeness go, if offends her to the core, i know that its her pet peeve and everyone has them but its annoying for me now although im sure i have pet peeves that annoy her

thanks for the replys everyone, i have been listening to opinions although it seems i havent i just need to rant a bit i guess. i think where i will go from her is sit down with my finacee again and talk it out and see if we cant figure something out. maybe trying to get them to meet again is the way to go. i did convince my girlfriend to try meet them again before but she was working very early the next morning and told me she would want to be gone by twelve, unfortunately my friends didnt show till after 1 so my fiancee was gone and i was left alone to wait for my friends. i think my fiancee was annoyed a little that i didnt go with her but thats not really an issue. thanks for all replies and future replies again

sporina

ok - you really need to grow up. I am sorry but you wonder why your fiance does not want this girl at your wedding. You said this girl does not like your fiance. So it was not really a joke - it was a snide remark. Your fiance is not stupid - she probably knows the girl and your other mates do not like her.

Are you marrying your mates or her?

Jesus I mean she is your fiance - you should be sticking up for her. And really you are to blame for this divide. you should have made more of an effort getting them to meet her... without them being rude to her.

Can you not see why she would have a right to not want them there?

Your mates are not the issue there - they are just a symptom of what is wrong in your relationship with your fiance.. can you not see that?

Do you really love her? Do your mates really know her? If not why are you letting their opinions cast such a cloud over your judgement over the one you supposedly love? I would take a big hard look at whether or not you two should be getting married at all...

I dont mean to be rude - but seriously..

LegacyUser

im not letting my friends opinions form my own, i was simply answering earlier posters questions of what my friends thought of my girlfriend.

i love my girlfriend, she is an amazing woman but this situation is pushing my into a very awkward and embarrassing situation, anyway as above i will be conversing with her on this

Hrududu

I don't say this often OP, but Jesus, what is wrong with you?

Your friend is a bitch. She insulted your girlfriend after 10 minutes. All under the illusion of it being banter. Banter is being funny. Banter is being funny with people that understand its banter and know you well enough to go along with it. What your friend did was get a dig in early enough to mark her territory.

And after all this your friend doesn't like your fiancee. Which sounds to me like your friend has let you know this. So bitching to her face and bitching behind her back.

Tell me again why this girl's feelings mean more to you than your own fiancee's?

Chinafoot

the unsure op wrote: »

i can understand why she was offended if the comment was serious but i dont think it was.

It wasn't directed at you though. It was directed at her, a woman they had literally just met. You can fob it off as "banter" (christ I hate that word) all you want but at the end of the day it was a rude, nasty and bitchy comment to make. Have you ever heard the expression "know your audience"? Your friend would do well to consider it. You do not make comments like that to people you don't know.

the unsure op wrote: »

i know the banter of this group can be a bit harsh but my girlfriend is well able for banter. i asked why she didnt respond and she said she felt it would be rude to make a retort like that to a group of people she doesnt know. i can see her point but im fairly sure that if she had said something smart everybody would have laughed again and that would be that.

Your girlfriend clearly has a bit more class and maturity than this group of people. Why on earth should she come back with something smart to some bitchy girl she doesn't know? Are you all 15 years old? No? Perhaps time to stop acting like it then.

the unsure op wrote: »

my friend doesnt like my girlfriend as she thinks shes a bit stuck up and takes up to much of my time. she (and others in the group) arent convinced i should be marrying her at all.

Now this is just hilarious. This friend who has met your girlfriend once and insulted her to her face within minutes of meeting her thinks your girlfriend is stuck up and that you shouldn't be marrying her. Now what exactly qualifies her to make that judgement? Stuck up because she doesn't have the personality of a jealous little teenager and had the sense not to get involved in some sort of pissing contest that your mate tried to start? Thats amazing.

the unsure op wrote: »

my fiancee said SHE doesnt want the girl at the wedding as she would prefer her not to come-same thing isnt it??? She hasnt said they absolutely cant come.

Again, your girlfriend is mature enough to let you know how she feels about this issue. She has told you she would feel uncomfortable with her there. What I don't get is, if your mate is so sure of what your girlfriend is like and is so convinced that you're making a mistake why on earth would she want to be there?

the unsure op wrote: »

in the group that night there were 2 girls and 5 guys, i know if i said to the girl that she needed to apologise she would get annoyed and tell everybody in the group and it would become a them vs us thing.

Again I have to question how old you people are. Them vs Us? Good lord man, is this primary school?

the unsure op wrote: »

i explained it to my girlfriend and she says she understands i would be uncomfortable and doesnt need me to do it but would be very uncomfortable having this girl at our wedding. i can see her point obviously but it leaves me in a very awkward position. my friends wont think im right for not inviting this girl, they will think im whipped and that my girlfriend is controlling as other posters have also said.

Other posters here said she was controlling based on your opening post which was very misleading. Even the title of this thread paints her to be controlling which is clearly not the case. In fact your girlfriend has shown far more patience and leeway than most in her position would. The fact that you are so worried about these people thinking you're whipped shows great immaturity on your part.

the unsure op wrote: »

my girlfriend cant really let rudeness go, if offends her to the core, i know that its her pet peeve and everyone has them but its annoying for me now although im sure i have pet peeves that annoy her

Most people wouldn't let something like that go without an attempt by the offending party to put it right. This isn't something your girlfriend needs to just get over. Its something your so-called friend needs to apologise for.

the unsure op wrote: »

i think where i will go from her is sit down with my finacee again and talk it out and see if we cant figure something out. maybe trying to get them to meet again is the way to go.

You're sitting down with the wrong person.

the unsure op wrote: »

i did convince my girlfriend to try meet them again before but she was working very early the next morning and told me she would want to be gone by twelve, unfortunately my friends didnt show till after 1 so my fiancee was gone and i was left alone to wait for my friends. i think my fiancee was annoyed a little that i didnt go with her but thats not really an issue. thanks for all replies and future replies again

Oh poor you. Can you hear yourself? Everything is "poor me". I'm actually amazed that this girl is still willing to marry you. She made an effort to go out and meet them on a night she was working and they didnt show up until after 1am. Yeah, real nice bunch of mates you have there.

Also, I would absolutely love to know how you handled this situation right after it happened. When your friend told you she didn't like your girlfriend what did you say? When it was questioned why your girlfriend didn't come out, what did you say?

You're being incredibly unfair to your girlfriend here and like others have pointed out, the fact that this "friend's" feelings are held in higher regard than those of your fiancee is a very, very worrying sign.

LegacyUser

the unsure op wrote: »

i can understand why she was offended if the comment was serious but i dont think it was.

I don't know how many people you need to tell you, OP, but you're not getting it.

It's not for you to adjudicate, as if you were an objective bystander, whether the comment was offensive or serious or hurtful, or not. Your fiancee, the love of your life, is TELLING you it was HURTFUL to her. You will not get anywhere with "figuring something out", which seems to mean getting her to change her mind, until you accept that the normal thing to do among couples who love each other is to put your fiancees feelings first. You seem to have missed this basic lesson in relationships 101. To be honest, the fact that it doesn't come instinctively to you to protect and defend her is worrying and depressing.

sporina

its not your girlfriend you need to talk to - its your mates. She is reacting as anyone would - and she is right - you said yourself - your mates do not like her!!! So what you gonna say " eh my mates don't like you but I still want them there"...

you need to talk to them -

but i think you need to have a good hard look at yourself first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Penn

the unsure op wrote: »

i can understand why she was offended if the comment was serious but i dont think it was. i know the banter of this group can be a bit harsh but my girlfriend is well able for banter. i asked why she didnt respond and she said she felt it would be rude to make a retort like that to a group of people she doesnt know. i can see her point but im fairly sure that if she had said something smart everybody would have laughed again and that would be that.

You can see her point? She thinks it would be rude to insult someone she just met, whether it be a joke or not. But that's exactly what your friend did. Whether it was a joke or banter or not, it is incredibly rude. You clearly do not see your girlfriends point.

the unsure op wrote: »

my friend doesnt like my girlfriend as she thinks shes a bit stuck up and takes up to much of my time. she (and others in the group) arent convinced i should be marrying her at all.

Thats not for them to decide. If you want to marry her they can either put up or shut up. As friends, they should be supporting you

the unsure op wrote: »

my fiancee said SHE doesnt want the girl at the wedding as she would prefer her not to come-same thing isnt it??? She hasnt said they absolutely cant come.

She doesn't want the girl who was rude to her the first time they met to be at her wedding day. Your other friends can go, just not her. Sounds fairly reasonable, especially since your friend never apologised. If your friend knows how your girlfriend feels, she should have apologised way before now. Even if they haven't had the opportunity to meet up, she could have called to your house or even phoned. If your friend doesn't like your girlfriend, then you shouldn't be concerned about having her at your wedding anyway.

the unsure op wrote: »

in the group that night there were 2 girls and 5 guys, i know if i said to the girl that she needed to apologise she would get annoyed and tell everybody in the group and it would become a them vs us thing. i explained it to my girlfriend and she says she understands i would be uncomfortable and doesnt need me to do it but would be very uncomfortable having this girl at our wedding. i can see her point obviously but it leaves me in a very awkward position. my friends wont think im right for not inviting this girl, they will think im whipped and that my girlfriend is controlling as other posters have also said.

Seems to me like people said she was controlling when they believed she wasn't letting any of your friends go, which by reading your first post is very much what it sounded like. She's saying she would prefer that this person wasn't there because she made fun of her and has never apologised or anything. You shouldn't need to make your friend apologise. If she knows it is causing a rift between your friends and your girlfriend, she should apologise by herself. And you say if you asked your friend to apologise, she'd tell all your friends and complain? She's the one in the wrong! Seriously OP, take a step back and look at this for what it is.

the unsure op wrote: »

my girlfriend cant really let rudeness go, if offends her to the core, i know that its her pet peeve and everyone has them but its annoying for me now although im sure i have pet peeves that annoy her

Like choosing your friends over the girl you're going to marry?

the unsure op wrote: »

thanks for the replys everyone, i have been listening to opinions although it seems i havent i just need to rant a bit i guess. i think where i will go from her is sit down with my finacee again and talk it out and see if we cant figure something out. maybe trying to get them to meet again is the way to go. i did convince my girlfriend to try meet them again before but she was working very early the next morning and told me she would want to be gone by twelve, unfortunately my friends didnt show till after 1 so my fiancee was gone and i was left alone to wait for my friends. i think my fiancee was annoyed a little that i didnt go with her but thats not really an issue. thanks for all replies and future replies again

No, of course it isn't. Tell me, did you arrange to meet your friends that night? Did you tell them your girlfriend had to be gone before 12? When it started getting closer to 12, did you ring your friends and ask them where they were? This was their opportunity to bridge the gap and resolve all these issues, and they showed up over an hour late? And you stayed to wait for them and let your girlfriend go home alone? My God OP...

LegacyUser

Banter me bollix. What so hard to get about this situation?? Friends can say all kinds of things to each other that can be taken in jest. But it can be a completely different story when the people don't know each other. I'll spell it out for you - If you started talking to a stranger in a pub and he came out with an extremely insulting remark I imagine you would not be happy about it at all. However a good friend could make the same remark and you could have a good laugh over it. It's all about context.

This comment was made to your gf by someone who had only met her 10 minutes previously, you don't have 'the banter', as you call it, with someone who is a stranger as banter becomes insulting and offensive when people don't know each other. This wasn't a joke, this was a straight up insult under the guise of banter.

And frankly, I fail to see what was so funny about this banter anyway. Where is the humour in saying in front of a group of people that someone's gf is uglier than his previous gfs. You would have to be a right sly, nasty piece of work to come out with a remark like that. This friend of yours made a fool out of your gf and humiliated her in front of a group of your friends that she'd only just met. The b*tch doesn't deserve to be at your wedding after coming out with a comment like that.

perri winkles

Are you actually taking the piss !?!?!

This thread is ridiculous!!! OP you need a good kick up the arse, and you need to take a look at yourself and the company you keep.

Your friend says she takes up too much of your time?? You said yourself she makes the effort to spend time with you even though she has a busy schedule, you get to see your friends quite regularly, and your fiancee (not girlfriend which you keep calling her) has no problem with it. It's none of this girls business how much time you spend with your fiancee. Get a grip!

It sounds like your fiancee has been nothing but gracious and accepting of the horrible people you choose to hang out with. Do not force them on her, especially when they have acted like a shower or b*stards towards her.


I just can't read this thread anymore, your poor fiancee. She deserves better. Grow up.

Kimia

I cannot believe I'm reading this drivel. My god OP - how old are you? Genuinely?

You are weak, weak, weak, and your fiancee deserves better.

LegacyUser

im 34 and my girlfriend is 29. not that it matters. i love my girlfriend completely and cant wait to marry her, of course our wedding is about us but as anyone knows when trying to plan a wedding there is a lot of political correctness about who you invite and dont. not inviting this girl would cause a great deal of friction and a lot of other people would get involved which is really hassle i dont neeed

Malari

Good lord, the lack of loyalty to your girlfriend is astounding. If this is your only problem I'm amazed that your self-centredness hasn't come up as an issue before.

I've been in a similar situation when introduced to a female friend of my boyfriend's when we started going out. The girl literally looked me up and down then walked away. Every time he's bumped into her since then (only every 6 months or so) she has asked "are you still with yer wan?" Now my boyfriend sees this girl as she is - shallow and annoyed at me because I removed one of her single stand-by men from the group. By his own admission she used him so that she wouldn't have to wait for other friends alone, for example. :rolleyes:

Difference is, I know for a fact that my boyfriend would not have this girl at a party in our house, let alone a wedding! Prioritise your loyalties. Your fiancee has done nothing to deserve your lack of support for her.

iguana

I had a degree of sympathy with the OP to begin with. I thought the situation might have been borne out of a miscommunication between the friend and his fiance and he was caught in the middle. But with each and every post he makes it becomes clearer and clearer that his fiance has been and is being dignified and gracious in her handling of this. While the "friend" is a spoiled, ignorant cow and the OP is being weak and immature.

He seems to be trying to blame his fiance for the situation because she is rational and easier to deal with. He refuses to accept that this problem was caused by his awful "friend" because if he accepts that he will have to try to sort things out with her and he is frightened of her reaction. She is hard to deal with and as such she gets away with being ignorant as he's afraid to challenge her.

He also needs to learn to accept the blame here, he could have nipped this in the bud straight away by showing a bit of loyalty to his partner. He has been taking the woman he loves for granted because she sounds pretty easy-going and tolerant. While pandering to what sounds like the biggest shower of nasty small minded children in case they "humiliate" him with their childish teasing. It's sad but it so often happens in life. Respectful, gracious people get walked all over, while foot-stomping, adult sized toddlers get things their own way. That's bad enough in the rest of the world, but when the person who should love you the most treats you like that it's heart-breaking.

I don't think it's very nice to be too harsh with someone who's posted a personal issue, because they are obviously feeling upset/concerned but I think an exception needs to be made here: OP, you need to do a lot of growing. You need to grow up, grow a spine and grow a pair of bloody balls. Stand up to these awful bullies you are "friends" with. Your fiance sounds like a great woman who deserves a great man. So either become him or let her go find him.

perri winkles

the unsure op wrote: »

im 34 and my girlfriend is 29. not that it matters. i love my girlfriend completely and cant wait to marry her, of course our wedding is about us but as anyone knows when trying to plan a wedding there is a lot of political correctness about who you invite and dont. not inviting this girl would cause a great deal of friction and a lot of other people would get involved which is really hassle i dont neeed

You're 34. Therefore I presume your friends are the same age, and they would really act like pathetic children over something as big as a wedding?? Your fiancee (seriously stop calling her your gf!) is being so unbelievably nice and gracious about this I really don't know how she does it.

It is up to you an your fiancee who goes to the wedding. Strap on a pair and stop letting your friends decide for you!!!
34?? Like come on.


Also, Iguana +1000000000 !! OP take note.

Penn

the unsure op wrote: »

im 34 and my girlfriend is 29. not that it matters. i love my girlfriend completely and cant wait to marry her, of course our wedding is about us but as anyone knows when trying to plan a wedding there is a lot of political correctness about who you invite and dont. not inviting this girl would cause a great deal of friction and a lot of other people would get involved which is really hassle i dont neeed

Look OP, man up and tell your friend that she has to apologise or she's not coming to the wedding. Simple as that. Your friend is the one who has to extend the olive branch. Since she hasn't done it willingly, you have to tell her that she needs to do it. Forget about what your friends will say, forget about other people who might wonder why your friend isn't at the wedding. This all boils down to the fact that your friend insulted your fiancee (because thats what it was, an insult).

You don't need the hassle of causing friction with your friends, yet by inviting her, you'll be causing friction between you and your fiancee. I mean, seriously OP! Think about it!

OP, you need to stop defending your friend here. She was in the wrong. Whether you say your fiancee took it the wrong way or not doesn't matter, that comment shouldn't have been made. Tell your friend she has to apologise or she's not coming to the wedding.

seamus

sporina wrote: »

ok - you really need to grow up. I am sorry but you wonder why your fiance does not want this girl at your wedding. You said this girl does not like your fiance. So it was not really a joke - it was a snide remark. Your fiance is not stupid - she probably knows the girl and your other mates do not like her.

Spot on here. This girl (your friend that is), is a bully. I've come across them plenty of times before. They think they are the top dog/queen bee in any group of friends, and resent the introduction of any individuals who may threaten that position or who don't have their approval.

So what they do is make snide remarks under a guise of "joking around", specifically designed to make the newcomer uncomfortable and give them a lower standing in the group. Particularly in any scenario where someone else has stolen the limelight (such as celebrating an engagment), this person will seek to disrupt the evening or to grab attention towards themselves specifically at the expense of the newcomer. This is schoolyard stuff, anyone with two braincells should be able to spot it a mile away.

While there was probably no truth in what your friend said, it was very clearly a remark designed to put your fiance in her place and warn her. You know that this girl doesn't like your fiance and opposes your marriage (probably because she feels like she owns you or some other crap), therefore you should have spotted immediately that this wasn't just friendly banter.

I can see exactly why your fiance doesn't want this person at your wedding. Because she doesn't want to have the spend the whole day overhearing giggles and sly remarks and furtive glances from a room which should be filled only with close friends and well wishers.

This person is neither a well wisher nor a friend and so doesn't deserve a place at your wedding.

I would suggest a compromise where you simply don't invite this girl, which opens the door for you to tell this girl exactly why she's not being invited, but I can still understand why your fiance would prefer that none of them attended.

Nevyn

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Thaedydal

blairbear

I actually need to calm myself down after reading how this thread has progressed..

Here's a thought; if your friend has apparently so litte time for your fiancee, and is so dead set against the marriage, thinks she's so stuck up and takes up all your time..why would she WANT to come to the wedding?? If that's how she feels, then wouldn't being invited be more of an insult than not being invited?! I know the type of girl so well...she'd only go to bitch about the dress, the location, the food etc..the list would be endless..

I don't think anyone will get through to you though...Your responses exhibit a frightening lack of self-awarenesss.

tinkerbell

OP, I still can't believe you are going on about this "banter" crap. It was NOT banter. It was your friend insulting your girlfriend, the woman you are supposed to love! And you are still going on about how you need to sit down with your now fiancee and convince her to come around to your way of thinking.

Your way of thinking is wrong. Everybody here has told you that you are being unreasonable. Your fiancee would actually be better off without you. You seriously need to grow a pair to say you are more concerned with what your friends think than your fiancee's feelings.

Once you ask a woman to marry you, she should be your first concern before anybody else. You say you're 34 but jees, you're acting like a spoiled teenager who can't get his own way. Your fiancee sounds like she has made a lot of effort to meet your friends but they just couldn't be bothered by turning up at 1 in the morning, I mean in fairness - who does that when you have plans to meet earlier?

Cop onto yourself. Tell your friend why she can't come. To be honest, it sounds like you have a serious crush on this friend of yours and that's why you can't call her out for what she is, a rude, condescending, jealous bitch.

And lastly, why the hell would you want a person at your wedding, the happiest day of your life, who does not like your soon-to-be-wife? You are being totally unreasonable. You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

If I was getting married, there is no way I would invite somebody who my boyfriend didn't like or who insulted him. He is my number 1 priority, everybody else comes after him.

Peggypeg

Hey op,

34???? really??? Ok, i'll just have to believe you.

Best possible outcome for your fiance is; for you to break up and for her to be free to find a real man. My boyfriend is a real man, if his friends did to me what yours did to your fiance he would read them the riot act and he wouldn't be friends with them afterwards either.

The best possible outcome for you is; a) grow some balls and ditch those friends and find some nice people to hang out with AND b) get into councelling to see why you are so immature at the age of 34 as to be unable to stand up to people in defence of someone you allegedly love, that is just so unbelievably pathetic.

To be quite honest I think you should do the honourable thing and break it off with your fiance, she is miles out of your league.

I would suggest going for a small ugly stuttering girl the next time so your horrible "friend" won't feel threatened and feel the need to insult her. Your behaviour is beyond pathetic. Seriously, do you really think you deserve a girl like your fiance? From your posts she is classy, graceous, dignified, mannerly, hard working, beautiful, generous, easy to get on with, mature and gets on with your family, SERIOUSLY you don't deserve her, cut her free and let her find a real man, she may be blinded by love now but she'll cop on and dump you soon enough so why go through the expense of a wedding?

I'm just so sorry for your fiance, she is going to so upset when she realises she's wasted all that time on such a spineless man, please; for probably the first time in your life MAN UP and cut her free because she'll see you for what you are sooner or later, why cause her further hassle?

tut tut sir.

LegacyUser

the unsure op wrote: »

...as anyone knows when trying to plan a wedding there is a lot of political correctness about who you invite and dont. not inviting this girl would cause a great deal of friction...

OP would you be so kind as to answer a direct question?

Is the abovementioned political correctness more important to you than the more-than-justified emotions of the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with?

You know how they say to choose your battles. This one is a no-brainer.