Fiancée doesnt want my friends at wedding

LegacyUser

in short my fiancee doesnt want my friends to come to our wedding. its a source of heartache for me and im left wondering if im reallly marrying the right woman. i really love her but her inability to allow me to have my friend with me on such an important day is crippling. when she met this particular group of friends one of them was having banter with her which she didnt see and thought it was them being rude. it was something along the lines of saying i only go out with good looking girls and they didnt see why i was with her etc and they all found it funny except for my girlfriend. she said she was annoyed that i was laughing with them but it was only a joke. since then she hasnt come to any meetings with this group. on planning our wedding when we made our list she said she doesnt want these people there as it might prevent her enjoying her big day but not having them there will prevent me from enjoying my day and im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends,

any ideas on what to do

rustynutz

the unsure op wrote: »

in short my fiancee doesnt want my friends to come to our wedding. its a source of heartache for me and im left wondering if im reallly marrying the right woman. i really love her but her inability to allow me to have my friend with me on such an important day is crippling. when she met this particular group of friends one of them was having banter with her which she didnt see and thought it was them being rude. it was something along the lines of saying i only go out with good looking girls and they didnt see why i was with her etc and they all found it funny except for my girlfriend. she said she was annoyed that i was laughing with them but it was only a joke. since then she hasnt come to any meetings with this group. on planning our wedding when we made our list she said she doesnt want these people there as it might prevent her enjoying her big day but not having them there will prevent me from enjoying my day and im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends,

any ideas on what to do

I think you know the answer to this yourself, if your friends had done something terrible I could maybe try to understand but to refuse to have them at your wedding over something so trivial? She sounds extremely selfish OP, I wish you luck if the wedding goes ahead.

tenchi-fan

Tell her you won't be having a wedding if your friends aren't going to be there. she sounds horrendous to be honest. Why are you with her?

cafecolour

She sounds control freakish. Is she trying to isolate you in other ways, or is it just these friends?

Anna Molly

*alarm bells*

LegacyUser

Ok, I don't agree with your fiance saying your friends can't go to the wedding BUT your friends insulted your future wife, basically infering that she was ugly... and you didn't stand up for her? I imagine she felt pretty insecure and doesn't want those bad feelings on your wedding day.
Honestly I can see it from both sides. You say you love this woman who you intend to marry, surely you two can work this out???

tbh

get your mates to apologise to her. If she doesn't accept, then you have a problem.

LegacyUser

Their banter sounded a bit rude and unfunny. No woman would like to hear that. Its not *all* your friends either is it, just this particular crowd.

Get them to apologise and see what happens.

LegacyUser

OP How long ago did this happen. Was it before you got engaged.

sporina

ok, can you not see it from her point of view at all? They implied that she was ugly - and you laughed along. Perhaps she has some insecurities about her looks? How do you feel about her? Is she pretty? What truth was in the joking? there is no smoke without fire as us women are very good at picking up on it. Otherwise - if she is pretty - then she should ignore your mates - let them go to the wedding - and see it as s joke. The Q is - was it a joke?

minidazzler

sporina wrote: »

ok, can you not see it from her point of view at all? They implied that she was ugly - and you laughed along. Perhaps she has some insecurities about her looks? How do you feel about her? Is she pretty? What truth was in the joking? there is no smoke without fire as us women are very good at picking up on it. Otherwise - if she is pretty - then she should ignore your mates - let them go to the wedding - and see it as s joke. The Q is - was it a joke?

It was quite obviously pointed out it was a joke. She made a decision from one meeting. Furthermore one guy made the joke, they all laughed. Including the OP.

OP, if she won't let your friends go to your wedding, is she gonna try to restrict you seeing them once you are married? Is she gonna prevent them coming to the house?

kraggy

If you marry this girl you run the risk of having to put up with much worse things down the line.

It's your wedding too.

Either she lets you have your friends at the wedding or there is no wedding.

Even if she does give in, I'd still be having doubts as the fact that she even tried to prevent you from having friends there is downright scary in itself.

iguana

minidazzler wrote: »

It was quite obviously pointed out it was a joke.

Jokes are meant to be funny. What the OP described sounded about as funny as double maths homework on your birthday.

Without knowing the context it sounds like a rude comment rather than a joke. You can have a bit of banter and slagging off with people you know well, once you know them well enough to be sure they know it was a joke and you are sure they appreciate that type of humour. Anyone who does it with someone they just met, upsets the person and doesn't immediately sincerely apologise is an inconsiderate boor.

Perhaps the OP's gf and these friends were getting on great, having a bit of banter and she was slagging them off first so this guy reciprocated and she couldn't take it. In that case it's her problem and she needs to grow up. But if these people just insulted her and laughed at her that's not a joke, it's bullying.

sporina

minidazzler wrote: »

It was quite obviously pointed out it was a joke. She made a decision from one meeting. Furthermore one guy made the joke, they all laughed. Including the OP.

OP, if she won't let your friends go to your wedding, is she gonna try to restrict you seeing them once you are married? Is she gonna prevent them coming to the house?

you don't know the details - maybe she feels she is not so easy on the eye - so maybe it was not a joke to her..

LegacyUser

Your friends definitely need to apologise. The comment was awful. I think it's hard for men to fully appreciate how important a woman's appearance is to her. I don't understand why they don't, because men always talk about good looking women, they look at good looking naked women in porn, good looking naked women are on page three of the paper everyday, they turn their heads when a good looking woman walks by. Apparently it's innate in men to value good looking women above all else-a vestige of caveman days or so I keep hearing.

With all these constant reminders that it's necessary for a woman to look good in order to be successful in the relationship game, why is it so difficult to understand that your friend calling her ugly and you agreeing would upset her? And why oh why did you or your friends not apologise before now?

Ickle Magoo

You laughed along with someone calling your gf ugly and you really can't get your head around why she wouldn't want them there on your wedding day?? Did they apologise? Did you?

It's such an immature and horrible thing for a well established clique to group together and snigger over a such a bitchy comment over the one person not part of the clique - it is bullying, pure and simple. I'm not surprised she's assuming they will all be snide comments and veiled insults on your big day, I can't blame her for not wanting to take the chance of having the day ruined or blemished. Seriously, can you?!

jimmycrackcorm

kraggy wrote: »

If you marry this girl you run the risk of having to put up with much worse things down the line.

OP - you have no idea how true this is and there is no escaping it. People might suggest that your friends should apologize, but in my experience you should marry someone who you can live with. This means letting go of silly situations such as this.

Balance it up - a friend made a comment, the majority laughed and accepted it as humourous but your partner is the only exception and now objects to them coming to your wedding. Who's in the right here - one person or everyone else?

sporina

omg - look at it this way - the way she see's it - everyone was laughing at HER

LegacyUser

sorry just too clear one thing up, it wasnt a guy that made the joke it was a girl. it was the first time they had all met before we got engaged. it was my girlfriend and about 6 of my friends. about 10 mins into us meeting one of the girls said something funny about my girlfriend, we all laughed and got on with the night out except her. she didnt kaugh at anything and left at the earliest opportunity. whenever im going out with these friends she wont come and i feel like its them or her tbh. she said she doesnt want them at our wedding because it will hurt her not that they absolutely cant be there but them not being there will hurt me

seenitall

jimmycrackcorm,

What about this? On a night out, you meet a group of your OH's friends who are long established friends with each other, you are meeting them for the first time. In the course of the night, they make a cosy little joke between themselves about you being ugly, and how your OH has always done better than that for themselves till now. They all join in this "joke", including your OH. They are:

laughing,

they are "accepting the joke as humorous" (I bet they are! no one called THEM ugly, did they?),

while you don't like being called ugly in a snide and catty manner (who does? do you?), so therefore your feelings are hurt and you get angry.

Who's in the right here - one person or everyone else?

Oh f..k it, why be subtle, it doesn't seem to work too well for some... Take gang rape: who is in the right here - one person or everyone else?

Balance it up! :cool:

minidazzler

sporina wrote: »

you don't know the details - maybe she feels she is not so easy on the eye - so maybe it was not a joke to her..

Noone, not even the most socially inept, is gonna call the girl of a friend ugly to the friend and the girl if they actually mean it. It very much sounds like they were taking the mickey and she didn't like being the butt of the joke.

Stupid, tactless and unnecessary, but that doesn't mean he should ditch his friends.

As he said, she met them once and after that didn't socialise with them. They could have used it as a method of social inclusion, while she saw it as being picked on. A misunderstanding.

That scenario is much more likely than the lads actually thinking she was ugly and trying to get her to run.

krudler

Well op put yourself in her shoes, if you were with her friends and they implied she only went out with good looking men and what as she doing with you? it wouldnt hurt your feelings in the smallest bit? an off the cuff stupid jokey remark it may have been, but those are the ones that can sometimes hurt the most, get them to apologise, if she accepts it was a stupid comment then fair enough, if not then you need to explain that the weddings not all about what she wants, its a celebration of BOTH of you, not just her.

ash2008

wow i cant believe your friend made that kind of "joke" within 10minutes of meeting your gf and even more that some people think your gf should just get over it. It doesnt matter if everyone bar your gf found it funny - the fact that everyone else was laughing prob just made her feel worse.
I wouldnt want people who hurt me (most women would be hurt if they were called ugly) at my wedding, running the risk of them making more "jokes" at my expense, at what is meant to be the best day of my life.

I also think that the fact it was a girl who made the joke might have made it worse. A woman would usually understand how a remark like that would be taken by another woman, so your gf may think the comment was intended to be snide and bitchy rather than a joke gone wrong.

Has there been any apology from anyone? They must have known immediately that your gf was upset by it

Barracudaincork

Unless your girlfriend is really ugly then its a total overreaction. It would be like Robin Hood's friend getting upset over being called little John!

It was a joke, the person didnt mean any harm by it and even if your girlfriend was upset over it, she is being a demanding controlling person now telling you you cant invite your friends to your wedding, esp over a joke!!! id even understand if you slept with the girl and she felt insecure but over a joke its crazy and mark my words OP a sign of what is to come, take it from someone who has seen some of their friends change and be controlled once they get married/living together!

gimme5minutes

So let me get this straight. Within 10 mins of your gf meeting your friends for the first time she gets humiliated and called ugly and everyone laughs at her...

Do you actually think your gf would find this 'joke' funny? I'm finding it hard to understand how you think she should have found this comment funny. Being labeled ugly in front of a bunch of people she doesn't know? How exactly is that supposed to be a source of humour for her? And I don't actually think she overreacted at all. Labeling a woman ugly in front of her bf and his friends is about the meanest and most hurtful comment that someone could make to her. Your friend is either a complete bitch or a complete idiot. No-one with any cop-on would make such a comment. I initially thought it was a male friend of yours that made the comment, the fact that it was female makes it even worse, as ash2008 said. A girl making a comment like that would understand fully how it would be taken and how much it would hurt.

Your gf was prob a bit nervous before meeting your friends and wanted to make a good impression and get on well with them. Instead she gets labelled ugly and humiliated and everyone laughs at her. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the most humiliated she's been in her life.

I have seen this kind situation before two or three times - ie, someone makes a 'joke' about the physical appearance of someone they don't actually know, just a mutual friend in front of a group of people - and the insulted parties never wants anything to do with the person who made the comment again. And I don't think the comments I heard were as harsh as what your friend said to your gf.

You don't 'joke' about the physical appearance of people you don't know, it is a basic tenet of smooth social interaction - I personally don't make jokes about the physical appearance of people I do know either as I don't find it funny. Stuff that may be funny among a group of good friends can be highly insulting if said to a stranger, everyone knows that.

From the similar situations I've seen, I don't think things will ever be right between your friends and your gf. Well at least not the one who made the joke anyway. The only compromise I could see for this wedding is if the 'joker' was not invited and the other friends were. It is completely understandable that your gf wouldn't want the person who completely humiliated her at her wedding where your gf would constantly feel this bitch was making a laugh of her behind her back.

I have no time for controlling women but I don't see this as a case of your gf 'controlling your life'. I see this as a legitimate case of her not wanting anything to do with this bitch of a friend of yours for good reason.

I do not know one woman who wouldn't be extremely offended over getting labeled ugly, humiliated and laughed at when they were hoping to make a good impression when meeting their bf's friends for the first time.

Gyalist

The joke wasn't the brightest idea in the world, especially as your girlfriend was meeting your friends for the first time. However, your girlfriend's inability to forgive or even compromise reveals a degree of stubborness and lack of generosity of spirit that doesn't bode well for someone who plans to share a life with you.

You have to put your foot down on this and insist that your friends attend your wedding. After all, it is as much your day as hers. Your girlfriend doesn't have to like your friends but they are your friends and they were around long before you met her. Be wary of anyone who tries to separate you from your friends. It is always an attempt to control you.

I wouldn't even be planning a wedding to a woman who refuses to be civil to my friends. The only reason I'd be sympathetic to your girlfriend's view if is the person who made the remark was a previous girlfriend of yours.

Kimia

Gyalist wrote: »

I wouldn't even be planning a wedding to a woman who refuses to be civil to my friends. QUOTE]

:rolleyes: Yes, it is all her. It doesn't seem to matter to anyone that these 'friends' were the opposite of civil to her and humiliated her on the day she met this particular group of friends.

To be honest OP, you sound very immature and weak willed. How could you laugh at something like that? My bf would never allow someone to speak to me like that out of respect. It's mind boggling how not only did you not stick up for her, you also laughed along and are now moaning about 'not being able to see your friends'.

I can totally understand why she wouldn't want these people at her wedding. What if they start making these remarks again? She wants to be the beautiful bride, and not have some b*tch calling her ugly IN FRONT of you. :eek:

LegacyUser

Apart from fully agreeing with gimme5minutes, I would also like to add some food of thought... Being a woman, I think I would take a snide remark like that from a female friend of my boyfriend who I've only just met as a rather strong indication that said female friend is actually secretly harbouring feelings for my boyfriend that go a little further than friendship! Why else would she say something like that to and about a friend's girlfriend, i.e. a person *very* close to her friend, a girl who is trying to get to know and be comfortable around her and his other friends? OP, stop kidding yourself. This was an *obvious* put-down IMHO, just cleverly dressed up as an insider joke.

I salute your girlfriend for staying cool and just leaving because said girl would have received a snotty retort from me along the lines of "oh, his standards are the same alright, he's not with you now, is he." Delivered with a dry smile - hey, it's just a joke, right? (How do you think your friend would have reacted to this, btw? - I'm just trying to make you think rather than laugh about your friend's supposed joke) Actually, OP, a "funny" retort like this from *you* would have probably saved the entire situation... Instead, you laughed - and you are surprised about your girlfriend's attitude towards your friends? I suggest you talk with your fiancee about this initial meeting and listen carefully to what she has to say. Only when you understand that it was as far removed from a joke to her as can be will you be able to actually take her seriously on this, and only then can the situation be resolved.

sporina

yeah OP are you sure you wanna marry her? tbh I feel sorry for your fiance - you are not considering her feelings at all. if this was the only issue you would have resolved it with her by now. Unless you have an she is totally unreasonable. If this is a make or break as to whether or not you get married I question your relationship anyhow..

Cianos

tbh wrote: »

get your mates to apologise to her. If she doesn't accept, then you have a problem.

/thread really. It wasn't a nice thing to say, but maybe someone thought they'd be the funny one and say something a bit cruel to show how hilarious they are. Maybe she took it more seriously than she should/could have, maybe what your friends were hoping for was her to come back with one better on the spot. It's awkward at times for a new person to get used to the dynamics of a new group.

You certainly should have stuck up for your girlfriend, so it's up to you now to reconcile the situation. Explain to your mate that your girlfriend took it harder than was intended and you'd love if she could apologise. If either of them refuse to attempt to sort it out, then I think it's a good indication of where your loyalty should be.

LegacyUser

I consider myself a pretty secure and self-confident woman, but if my new boyfriends friends said something like that on our first meeting I would be really really upset.

It is bullying, it is nasty, and just because everyone laughed (including yourself, shame on you) doesnt make it ok.

I think your girlfriend is just standing up for herself. She doesnt want people who make her feel bad about herself in her life. And shes dead right!

You sort it op or you suck it up.

Victor

OP, a question - how true was the comment? Or was it ironic and some previous girlfriend were "beautiful"?

Uglyornot wrote: »

Being a woman, I think I would take a snide remark like that from a female friend of my boyfriend who I've only just met as a rather strong indication that said female friend is actually secretly harbouring feelings for my boyfriend that go a little further than friendship!

Isn't that a bit paranoid (yes, I realise many people have their own little paranoias)?

iguana

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Balance it up - a friend made a comment, the majority laughed and accepted it as humourous but your partner is the only exception and now objects to them coming to your wedding. Who's in the right here - one person or everyone else?

You mean the one and only person who was the butt of this joke was wrong not to laugh because all the people who weren't the butt of the joke did laugh? That's honestly one of the silliest comments I've ever seen on this board.

OP, as many others have said the fact that it was a female friend who said this is even worse. A guy might have made such a comment in ignorance, but with a girl it's more likely to have been fairly calculated and bitchy in it's intention.

I'm a massively confident person and I'm more than happy with the way I look. I'm also well versed in the writing of Joss Whedon so I know how to counter a "funny" bitchy comment with an equally hilarious cutting remark. If I had been in your girlfriend's place and someone implied I was ugly and everyone laughed I wouldn't be hurt as I know I'm fairly pretty, I'd laugh and make a similar joke back. An innocent observer would think it was all great fun, but what would actually have happened was a píssing contest. The "friend" would have been trying to exert her dominance over her territory (you) and I would have told her in no uncertain terms to fuçk right off. We would never, ever be friends. I'd have her pegged as a complete and total bitch however I'd be more than happy to have her at my wedding because it would be the ultimate way to píss in her face.:)

In your GFs case your "friend" tried to exert herself and she obviously hit a nerve. Pretty easily, as most people do have a degree of insecurity about their looks. If she hadn't meant to hurt her she would have apologised as soon as she saw your GF was upset. But it doesn't sound like she did, at least not sincerely. The fact that you laughed backed up your "friend" and put your GF down, and the fact that you are making such a fuss over the wedding only further enhances this imbalance.

You really need to open your eyes here. Your friend was completely and totally horrible to the woman you plan on spending the rest of your life with. She purposefully put her down and you laughed. You either need to cop on to what happened and try to put it right or you should leave the poor girl to find a more deserving husband.

Chinafoot

Victor wrote: »

Isn't that a bit paranoid (yes, I realise many people have their own little paranoias)?

Not necessarily. I would find it far more unusual for this situation to have been brought about by a woman making a horrible comment like that. If it was a man it would be a bit easier to put down to a joke. Most women don't really like having their looks commented on so for it to come from another woman is extra harsh.

OP, how long ago did this meeting happen? I can see why your girlfriend had no desire to have further contact with them and you cocked up by not sorting this out earlier. You should have spoken to your friend and told her she upset your girlfriend. This friend, if she is one, should have then apologised sincerely to your girlfriend.

As it stands now, you want people to come to your wedding that she has only met once, and during that one encounter one of them openly insulted her to her face and you and the rest laughed along. If I was her I wouldn't want them there either.

Edit:

Also, I don't see her behaviour as controlling. She hasn't stopped you seeing these friends at all, she just decided she didn't want to be around people that were so nasty to her. You also said that she hasn't decided she absolutely won't have them there, she has merely told you how upset it would make her to have them there, so your last line of "im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends," holds no weight. You have allowed this situation to fester and if you want these people at your wedding you need to sort this out. Its not up to her. She was the one who was insulted and laughed at. If you make a joke that upsets people you apologise, its the decent thing to do. Did you even speak to your friend about this? Did you let them know that your girlfriend was upset or did you just shrug it off as your missus being unreasonable?

tinkerbell

Ok so your stupid friend insulted your girlfriend by implying she was ugly, she laughed, your other friends laughed and you laughed too? I'm surprised she even stayed with you and your friends for the rest of that night. Now she doesn't want this ignorant friend of yours at your wedding? Can't say I'm not surprised. Your friend sounds like a complete idiot to be honest.

And another thing - you should not have laughed at some stupid remark, you're just as bad as your friend, if not worse. Your girlfriend's feelings must really have been hurt. She met this bunch of friends for the first time so no doubt was nervous, then she gets insulted and you laugh along? Cop onto yourself. Get your friend to apologise. I don't blame her for not wanting her at your wedding.

Eve_Dublin

I agree with all the posters taking your girlfriend's side. Just to add, you're friends sound like a right barrel of laughs! Such astute comedic wit! I for one would LOVE to have this hilarious bunch of cards at what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life! Who wouldn't!

HOW in God's name could your girlfriend find that comment anything BUT offensive? There's crap jokes and then there's this.

Darthhoob

the unsure op wrote: »

in short my fiancee doesnt want my friends to come to our wedding. its a source of heartache for me and im left wondering if im reallly marrying the right woman. i really love her but her inability to allow me to have my friend with me on such an important day is crippling. when she met this particular group of friends one of them was having banter with her which she didnt see and thought it was them being rude. it was something along the lines of saying i only go out with good looking girls and they didnt see why i was with her etc and they all found it funny except for my girlfriend. she said she was annoyed that i was laughing with them but it was only a joke. since then she hasnt come to any meetings with this group. on planning our wedding when we made our list she said she doesnt want these people there as it might prevent her enjoying her big day but not having them there will prevent me from enjoying my day and im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends,

any ideas on what to do

wow, that's as funny as a heart attack....how stupid. i dont blame her for not wanting to meet them again....surpirsed she stayed with you tbh after you laughing along with people implying she was ugly..........

BUT that doesn't excuse her for banning them from the wedding...i can see why she would want to...but it's not just her day.

Darthhoob

the unsure op wrote: »

sorry just too clear one thing up, it wasnt a guy that made the joke it was a girl. it was the first time they had all met before we got engaged. it was my girlfriend and about 6 of my friends. about 10 mins into us meeting one of the girls said something funny about my girlfriend, we all laughed and got on with the night out except her. she didnt kaugh at anything and left at the earliest opportunity. whenever im going out with these friends she wont come and i feel like its them or her tbh. she said she doesnt want them at our wedding because it will hurt her not that they absolutely cant be there but them not being there will hurt me

ok that's 1000x worse lol

women are their own worst enemies alot of the time, especially in the way of appearances. your female friend implying your gf was ugly would have seemed much more like a bitchy nasty comment (which it normally is when one female says that to another female) than a joke..your friend was laughing, your other friends were laughing...and most of all...you were laughing....as if agreeing with your friend...no wonder your gf never wanted to see them again....not many people would have!

she wants to feel and look beautiful on her big day (and i know it's your too so you need to talk about this, and get your friend to try and sort if out too if she wants to come to wedding)...the very last thing she needs is someone their who told her she isn't...within 10 mins of meeting her...and who YOU agreed with.

perri winkles

I can't believe your friend, a female, would be such a b*tch to another woman on their first meeting. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

On a wedding day the bride wants to feel like the most beautiful person in the room. How could your fiance feel like this knowing that snide girl would be sitting in the church watching her and judging her? Possibly making rude comments behind her back?

I agree with all the other posters. You need to seriously wake up. I would not be tolerating that sort of behaviour from a girl i've only met, let alone invite her to my wedding. Absoloutely not.

Your fiance was being tolerant by even hanging around for the night, I would have been gone! Why should she be spoken to in that way? Also agree this could indicate that the girl has feelings for you.

She needs to apologise as do you, or she doesn't get invited to the wedding. Simple as.

Kimono-Girl

ok my two cents on this:

1st: As a girl and having met my fiancé's friends for the first time a year and a half ago, if one of them made a joke like that (im fairly sure one of them did tbh) i would have just laughed it off, im not the best looking girl but im confident enough to know he wouldn't date me if he didnt like me, and lets face it when you first meet your OH's best friends for the first time it is a nerve racking experiance, maybe they were just looking for something to talk about and all they knew about her was how she looked, it was 10 minutes into meeting her ffs! not the brightest of things to say but then i myself have been known to say stupid things at stupid times in front of people and offending them without even realising! I can only assume she's not too hurt about you laughing with them as she is still with you!

2nd OP i would be very worried about her not letting your friends join in the biggest day you will have in your life, at the end of the day its not just her desicion (and what would be the outcome if you told her not to bring her friends, to keep it just family so your friends dont feel left out-i doubt you'd live long to be honest) she brings her friends you bring yours!

it's your day too and im sorry but do you want to marry a girl who won't let you bring your friends? thats quite controlling and worrying that she doesn't consider you or your feelings at all (regardless of past mistakes on your part), we all have to compromise, its what marriage is based on and she's not compromising based on what you say, thats a bad start to any marriage!!

mrsdewinter

Jebus OP. Your so-called 'friend' with the off-colour line in banter sounds like a bitch. Why do you even want her at your wedding?

cafecolour

Wow. See if someone said that comment to me, I'd assume they were taking the piss and clearly saying I WAS attractive in a joking way. Now I'm left wondering if this many folks on boards have really low self-esteem or I've just got a massive ego

OP, now I'm going to almost say you should delay the wedding and go to couples counseling. I'm put the blame on one or the other of you for this festering the long - I'm going to blame BOTH of you. Whatever combination of stubbornness, passive-aggressiveness, and whatnot got it to this point you two clearly have horrible communication with each other - and that needs to be resolved before anything.

seahorse

I'm sorry but your friends sound like a shower of arseholes.

Reesy

This is a pretty polarised debate. Here's a suggestion.

Could you get the 2 women in question together (alone, or with just the OP there) to talk this out? IMHO if the friend was mature enough and cared enough about you, OP, to apologise sincerely for the hurt she caused, then she'd have proved herself. Likewise if the fiancee can accept an apology with good grace and then invite said friend to the wedding, that's a sign of the sort of maturity that I'd expect in a marriage. If either refused to try for your sake, then maybe you'd know which way to side.

If neither would cooperate, then you'd have some big questions to answer.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

just to clarify again that my girlfriend is not demanding that my friends can't be there and has never stopped me seeing them. when i am seeing them which is about once every two weeks, sometimes more, she just doesn't come. also for the record my girlfriend is gorgeous, she doesn't think she is as gorgeous as she is but she is drop dead beautiful and i have gone out with some crackers in the past. pretty much everything else about our relationship is great. both of us work a lot and her schedule is busier than mine but she's more organised than me and always finds time for me no matter what. she is great with my family and helps me a bit with work, shes fantastic at socialising especially in work social events, people are always commenting on how charming and elegant she is. shes extremely funny and kind and does so much to make my life better and happier. the only real problem we have is this incident.

what happened was my girl and i arrived at the venue, we found my friends and went to get a drink at the bar, we came back to where my friends were - about 7 of them and when we took off our jackets and joined in on the conversation and i said to everyone this is my girlfriend (name) the other girl made this comment, everybody laughed and we got on with the night and conversation. my girlfriend stayed pretty quiet most of the night and left early.

when we had our mini conversation about the guest list and that i was inviting my friend she seemed surprised and said she wouldnt be happy having her there as she found her very rude. i told her it was just banter but she said she felt it wasnt just banter it was rudeness. my girlfriends pet peeve is rudeness so i think if it wasnt she wouldnt react this way.

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

Barracudaincork

OP, you say this happened before you got engaged, and now that you are planning the wedding, would i be right to assume this incident happened some time ago, at least a year? Id be worried about how your partner can harbour hatred and contempt etc towards someone for so long over a comment, regardless if the comment was rude or a joke etc

Surely if she is mature enough to get married she should be mature enough to get over this? At the end of the day, sometimes you need to forgive and forget and move on with life and harbouring feelings like this isnt healthy for her or anyone.

dudara

the unsure op wrote: »

the other girl made this comment, everybody laughed and we got on with the night and conversation. my girlfriend stayed pretty quiet most of the night and left early

she wouldnt be happy having her there as she found her very rude. i told her it was just banter but she said she felt it wasnt just banter it was rudeness.

Look at what I've highlighted in your post. Your fiancee was clearly quite upset by your friend's comment.

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

For whatever reason, that comment hurt her and therefore it isn't a matter of 'brushing it off'.

LegacyUser

I think this is somewhat of a lost cause, to be honest. The OP doesn't see why this would have upset his g/f and therefore doesn't have the capability to resolve it.

The majority of people here are telling you that you were wrong to laugh along with this. At the best of times a joke like that isn't really funny and a veiled insult. This was A) said by another girl which 9/10 is most likely a bitchy comment (believe me, as a female I hate saying this but there are so many bitchy women out there) and the very first time she met your friends!!

To those saying she should have taken it as a joke and clearly it was meant as the opposite of what was said, you're either a male or never had an experience with a bitchy woman!

How would I have handled this? When she said that I would have replied, "Ah, so you and him have obviously never got it on" and that would have shut her up. And if she'd said "Actually, we have" I'd have replied "Oh right, dropped your standards there didn't you "insert b/f name"" The only way with cows like that.

I also agree with the person (or people) who said she's probably harbouring some feelings for this guy and clearly he is for her because what guy would laugh along with a clear insult to his g/f?

I had a similar situation (but the reverse) when I met my last b/f. We were out in a group of friends and he (bravely) made his way over and started chatting to me. One of my then friends loves being the centre of attention and clearly didn't like it when this guy didn't pay her any attention. She was really rude to him telling him "You don't stand a chance with her so why'd you bother coming over" - I pulled her aside and told her to cop onto herself and not to be so rude, she apologised to him when we came back. And this was a guy I barely knew. It's about respect and you've shown none to your g/f.

Chinafoot

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP, you say this happened before you got engaged, and now that you are planning the wedding, would i be right to assume this incident happened some time ago, at least a year? Id be worried about how your partner can harbour hatred and contempt etc towards someone for so long over a comment, regardless if the comment was rude or a joke etc

Thats all a bit dramatic really. Hatred and contempt? The girlfriend has only met these people once and one of them made a horrible joke (I'm sorry but if someone I didn't know said that to me I would think they are a complete bitch, no matter how funny they think they are) and they haven't had any interaction since.

OP, you need to speak to your friend about it and see if she'll apologise. Your girlfriend isn't stopping them going but if they do attend with the way things are she won't enjoy her day. Rudeness isn't a pet peeve of mine but I can promise you, if that happened to me I wouldn't waste my time on these so-called friends of yours either so I don't think you can fob it off with "if she didn't hate rudeness so much she'd be fine. It was bitchy and nasty and when it became obvious that it had caused upset (the fact that she never met them again must have raised a few questions with the comedians) an apology should have been offered.

Don't just bury your head in the sand on this OP, you need to do what you should have done right after it happened and speak to your friend. If you want them there you need to be pro-active in sorting this out so both you and your girlfriend can enjoy your day.

LegacyUser

i can understand why shed be upset if they were calling her ugly but they werent it was just banter, although this crowd can be heavy with the banter. theyve never met since as my friend doesnt really like my girlfriend either and as i said she works a lot of odd hours and doesnt come with me when im seeing these people. a lot of the time im seeing them shes at work and doesnt know anyway. i wouldnt ask my friend to apologise, that would humiliate me to this group and i know she wouldnt anyway, she was only having the banter so why should she have to apologise?

to the comment about my girlfriend harbouring comtempt, its not like that at all, shes never said one bad word about this girl except that night and when it came up when we were planning wedding list. all she has said was she found her rude and she would prefer not to have her at her wedding. my point is as shes my friend i want her and the group to be at my wedding, so how do i make my girlfriend see that so we can just get on with it? i couldnt not invite this group to my wedding and i definitely couldnt not invite one person.

Toots

OP, I can totally see where your fiancée is coming from, if one of my fiancé's friends had said something like that to me when I first met them, then I'd probably not have wanted to have anything to do with them either, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted them at our wedding.

the unsure op wrote: »

i dont understand why she cant brush it off so i can enjoy my wedding with my friends

It's not just your wedding, it's her wedding too. TBH, OP you're coming across as quite selfish. She hasn't banned all your friends from the wedding, she just doesn't want to invite this one girl, who frankly sounds like a cow. Your priority on your wedding day should be that you and your wife have one of the best days of your lives. If this one rude girl's presence is going to make or break the day for you, then you need to take a long hard look at your priorities in life.