Fiancée doesnt want my friends at wedding

LegacyUser

in short my fiancee doesnt want my friends to come to our wedding. its a source of heartache for me and im left wondering if im reallly marrying the right woman. i really love her but her inability to allow me to have my friend with me on such an important day is crippling. when she met this particular group of friends one of them was having banter with her which she didnt see and thought it was them being rude. it was something along the lines of saying i only go out with good looking girls and they didnt see why i was with her etc and they all found it funny except for my girlfriend. she said she was annoyed that i was laughing with them but it was only a joke. since then she hasnt come to any meetings with this group. on planning our wedding when we made our list she said she doesnt want these people there as it might prevent her enjoying her big day but not having them there will prevent me from enjoying my day and im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends,

any ideas on what to do

rustynutz

the unsure op wrote: »

in short my fiancee doesnt want my friends to come to our wedding. its a source of heartache for me and im left wondering if im reallly marrying the right woman. i really love her but her inability to allow me to have my friend with me on such an important day is crippling. when she met this particular group of friends one of them was having banter with her which she didnt see and thought it was them being rude. it was something along the lines of saying i only go out with good looking girls and they didnt see why i was with her etc and they all found it funny except for my girlfriend. she said she was annoyed that i was laughing with them but it was only a joke. since then she hasnt come to any meetings with this group. on planning our wedding when we made our list she said she doesnt want these people there as it might prevent her enjoying her big day but not having them there will prevent me from enjoying my day and im thinking of not getting married at all if she is trying to stop me seeing my friends,

any ideas on what to do

I think you know the answer to this yourself, if your friends had done something terrible I could maybe try to understand but to refuse to have them at your wedding over something so trivial? She sounds extremely selfish OP, I wish you luck if the wedding goes ahead.

tenchi-fan

Tell her you won't be having a wedding if your friends aren't going to be there. she sounds horrendous to be honest. Why are you with her?

cafecolour

She sounds control freakish. Is she trying to isolate you in other ways, or is it just these friends?

Anna Molly

*alarm bells*

LegacyUser

Ok, I don't agree with your fiance saying your friends can't go to the wedding BUT your friends insulted your future wife, basically infering that she was ugly... and you didn't stand up for her? I imagine she felt pretty insecure and doesn't want those bad feelings on your wedding day.
Honestly I can see it from both sides. You say you love this woman who you intend to marry, surely you two can work this out???

tbh

get your mates to apologise to her. If she doesn't accept, then you have a problem.

LegacyUser

Their banter sounded a bit rude and unfunny. No woman would like to hear that. Its not *all* your friends either is it, just this particular crowd.

Get them to apologise and see what happens.

LegacyUser

OP How long ago did this happen. Was it before you got engaged.

sporina

ok, can you not see it from her point of view at all? They implied that she was ugly - and you laughed along. Perhaps she has some insecurities about her looks? How do you feel about her? Is she pretty? What truth was in the joking? there is no smoke without fire as us women are very good at picking up on it. Otherwise - if she is pretty - then she should ignore your mates - let them go to the wedding - and see it as s joke. The Q is - was it a joke?

minidazzler

sporina wrote: »

ok, can you not see it from her point of view at all? They implied that she was ugly - and you laughed along. Perhaps she has some insecurities about her looks? How do you feel about her? Is she pretty? What truth was in the joking? there is no smoke without fire as us women are very good at picking up on it. Otherwise - if she is pretty - then she should ignore your mates - let them go to the wedding - and see it as s joke. The Q is - was it a joke?

It was quite obviously pointed out it was a joke. She made a decision from one meeting. Furthermore one guy made the joke, they all laughed. Including the OP.

OP, if she won't let your friends go to your wedding, is she gonna try to restrict you seeing them once you are married? Is she gonna prevent them coming to the house?

kraggy

If you marry this girl you run the risk of having to put up with much worse things down the line.

It's your wedding too.

Either she lets you have your friends at the wedding or there is no wedding.

Even if she does give in, I'd still be having doubts as the fact that she even tried to prevent you from having friends there is downright scary in itself.

iguana

minidazzler wrote: »

It was quite obviously pointed out it was a joke.

Jokes are meant to be funny. What the OP described sounded about as funny as double maths homework on your birthday.

Without knowing the context it sounds like a rude comment rather than a joke. You can have a bit of banter and slagging off with people you know well, once you know them well enough to be sure they know it was a joke and you are sure they appreciate that type of humour. Anyone who does it with someone they just met, upsets the person and doesn't immediately sincerely apologise is an inconsiderate boor.

Perhaps the OP's gf and these friends were getting on great, having a bit of banter and she was slagging them off first so this guy reciprocated and she couldn't take it. In that case it's her problem and she needs to grow up. But if these people just insulted her and laughed at her that's not a joke, it's bullying.

sporina

minidazzler wrote: »

It was quite obviously pointed out it was a joke. She made a decision from one meeting. Furthermore one guy made the joke, they all laughed. Including the OP.

OP, if she won't let your friends go to your wedding, is she gonna try to restrict you seeing them once you are married? Is she gonna prevent them coming to the house?

you don't know the details - maybe she feels she is not so easy on the eye - so maybe it was not a joke to her..

LegacyUser

Your friends definitely need to apologise. The comment was awful. I think it's hard for men to fully appreciate how important a woman's appearance is to her. I don't understand why they don't, because men always talk about good looking women, they look at good looking naked women in porn, good looking naked women are on page three of the paper everyday, they turn their heads when a good looking woman walks by. Apparently it's innate in men to value good looking women above all else-a vestige of caveman days or so I keep hearing.

With all these constant reminders that it's necessary for a woman to look good in order to be successful in the relationship game, why is it so difficult to understand that your friend calling her ugly and you agreeing would upset her? And why oh why did you or your friends not apologise before now?

Ickle Magoo

You laughed along with someone calling your gf ugly and you really can't get your head around why she wouldn't want them there on your wedding day?? Did they apologise? Did you?

It's such an immature and horrible thing for a well established clique to group together and snigger over a such a bitchy comment over the one person not part of the clique - it is bullying, pure and simple. I'm not surprised she's assuming they will all be snide comments and veiled insults on your big day, I can't blame her for not wanting to take the chance of having the day ruined or blemished. Seriously, can you?!

jimmycrackcorm

kraggy wrote: »

If you marry this girl you run the risk of having to put up with much worse things down the line.

OP - you have no idea how true this is and there is no escaping it. People might suggest that your friends should apologize, but in my experience you should marry someone who you can live with. This means letting go of silly situations such as this.

Balance it up - a friend made a comment, the majority laughed and accepted it as humourous but your partner is the only exception and now objects to them coming to your wedding. Who's in the right here - one person or everyone else?

sporina

omg - look at it this way - the way she see's it - everyone was laughing at HER

LegacyUser

sorry just too clear one thing up, it wasnt a guy that made the joke it was a girl. it was the first time they had all met before we got engaged. it was my girlfriend and about 6 of my friends. about 10 mins into us meeting one of the girls said something funny about my girlfriend, we all laughed and got on with the night out except her. she didnt kaugh at anything and left at the earliest opportunity. whenever im going out with these friends she wont come and i feel like its them or her tbh. she said she doesnt want them at our wedding because it will hurt her not that they absolutely cant be there but them not being there will hurt me

seenitall

jimmycrackcorm,

What about this? On a night out, you meet a group of your OH's friends who are long established friends with each other, you are meeting them for the first time. In the course of the night, they make a cosy little joke between themselves about you being ugly, and how your OH has always done better than that for themselves till now. They all join in this "joke", including your OH. They are:

laughing,

they are "accepting the joke as humorous" (I bet they are! no one called THEM ugly, did they?),

while you don't like being called ugly in a snide and catty manner (who does? do you?), so therefore your feelings are hurt and you get angry.

Who's in the right here - one person or everyone else?

Oh f..k it, why be subtle, it doesn't seem to work too well for some... Take gang rape: who is in the right here - one person or everyone else?

Balance it up! :cool:

minidazzler

sporina wrote: »

you don't know the details - maybe she feels she is not so easy on the eye - so maybe it was not a joke to her..

Noone, not even the most socially inept, is gonna call the girl of a friend ugly to the friend and the girl if they actually mean it. It very much sounds like they were taking the mickey and she didn't like being the butt of the joke.

Stupid, tactless and unnecessary, but that doesn't mean he should ditch his friends.

As he said, she met them once and after that didn't socialise with them. They could have used it as a method of social inclusion, while she saw it as being picked on. A misunderstanding.

That scenario is much more likely than the lads actually thinking she was ugly and trying to get her to run.

krudler

Well op put yourself in her shoes, if you were with her friends and they implied she only went out with good looking men and what as she doing with you? it wouldnt hurt your feelings in the smallest bit? an off the cuff stupid jokey remark it may have been, but those are the ones that can sometimes hurt the most, get them to apologise, if she accepts it was a stupid comment then fair enough, if not then you need to explain that the weddings not all about what she wants, its a celebration of BOTH of you, not just her.

ash2008

wow i cant believe your friend made that kind of "joke" within 10minutes of meeting your gf and even more that some people think your gf should just get over it. It doesnt matter if everyone bar your gf found it funny - the fact that everyone else was laughing prob just made her feel worse.
I wouldnt want people who hurt me (most women would be hurt if they were called ugly) at my wedding, running the risk of them making more "jokes" at my expense, at what is meant to be the best day of my life.

I also think that the fact it was a girl who made the joke might have made it worse. A woman would usually understand how a remark like that would be taken by another woman, so your gf may think the comment was intended to be snide and bitchy rather than a joke gone wrong.

Has there been any apology from anyone? They must have known immediately that your gf was upset by it

Barracudaincork

Unless your girlfriend is really ugly then its a total overreaction. It would be like Robin Hood's friend getting upset over being called little John!

It was a joke, the person didnt mean any harm by it and even if your girlfriend was upset over it, she is being a demanding controlling person now telling you you cant invite your friends to your wedding, esp over a joke!!! id even understand if you slept with the girl and she felt insecure but over a joke its crazy and mark my words OP a sign of what is to come, take it from someone who has seen some of their friends change and be controlled once they get married/living together!

gimme5minutes

So let me get this straight. Within 10 mins of your gf meeting your friends for the first time she gets humiliated and called ugly and everyone laughs at her...

Do you actually think your gf would find this 'joke' funny? I'm finding it hard to understand how you think she should have found this comment funny. Being labeled ugly in front of a bunch of people she doesn't know? How exactly is that supposed to be a source of humour for her? And I don't actually think she overreacted at all. Labeling a woman ugly in front of her bf and his friends is about the meanest and most hurtful comment that someone could make to her. Your friend is either a complete bitch or a complete idiot. No-one with any cop-on would make such a comment. I initially thought it was a male friend of yours that made the comment, the fact that it was female makes it even worse, as ash2008 said. A girl making a comment like that would understand fully how it would be taken and how much it would hurt.

Your gf was prob a bit nervous before meeting your friends and wanted to make a good impression and get on well with them. Instead she gets labelled ugly and humiliated and everyone laughs at her. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the most humiliated she's been in her life.

I have seen this kind situation before two or three times - ie, someone makes a 'joke' about the physical appearance of someone they don't actually know, just a mutual friend in front of a group of people - and the insulted parties never wants anything to do with the person who made the comment again. And I don't think the comments I heard were as harsh as what your friend said to your gf.

You don't 'joke' about the physical appearance of people you don't know, it is a basic tenet of smooth social interaction - I personally don't make jokes about the physical appearance of people I do know either as I don't find it funny. Stuff that may be funny among a group of good friends can be highly insulting if said to a stranger, everyone knows that.

From the similar situations I've seen, I don't think things will ever be right between your friends and your gf. Well at least not the one who made the joke anyway. The only compromise I could see for this wedding is if the 'joker' was not invited and the other friends were. It is completely understandable that your gf wouldn't want the person who completely humiliated her at her wedding where your gf would constantly feel this bitch was making a laugh of her behind her back.

I have no time for controlling women but I don't see this as a case of your gf 'controlling your life'. I see this as a legitimate case of her not wanting anything to do with this bitch of a friend of yours for good reason.

I do not know one woman who wouldn't be extremely offended over getting labeled ugly, humiliated and laughed at when they were hoping to make a good impression when meeting their bf's friends for the first time.

Gyalist

The joke wasn't the brightest idea in the world, especially as your girlfriend was meeting your friends for the first time. However, your girlfriend's inability to forgive or even compromise reveals a degree of stubborness and lack of generosity of spirit that doesn't bode well for someone who plans to share a life with you.

You have to put your foot down on this and insist that your friends attend your wedding. After all, it is as much your day as hers. Your girlfriend doesn't have to like your friends but they are your friends and they were around long before you met her. Be wary of anyone who tries to separate you from your friends. It is always an attempt to control you.

I wouldn't even be planning a wedding to a woman who refuses to be civil to my friends. The only reason I'd be sympathetic to your girlfriend's view if is the person who made the remark was a previous girlfriend of yours.

Kimia

Gyalist wrote: »

I wouldn't even be planning a wedding to a woman who refuses to be civil to my friends. QUOTE]

:rolleyes: Yes, it is all her. It doesn't seem to matter to anyone that these 'friends' were the opposite of civil to her and humiliated her on the day she met this particular group of friends.

To be honest OP, you sound very immature and weak willed. How could you laugh at something like that? My bf would never allow someone to speak to me like that out of respect. It's mind boggling how not only did you not stick up for her, you also laughed along and are now moaning about 'not being able to see your friends'.

I can totally understand why she wouldn't want these people at her wedding. What if they start making these remarks again? She wants to be the beautiful bride, and not have some b*tch calling her ugly IN FRONT of you. :eek:

LegacyUser

Apart from fully agreeing with gimme5minutes, I would also like to add some food of thought... Being a woman, I think I would take a snide remark like that from a female friend of my boyfriend who I've only just met as a rather strong indication that said female friend is actually secretly harbouring feelings for my boyfriend that go a little further than friendship! Why else would she say something like that to and about a friend's girlfriend, i.e. a person *very* close to her friend, a girl who is trying to get to know and be comfortable around her and his other friends? OP, stop kidding yourself. This was an *obvious* put-down IMHO, just cleverly dressed up as an insider joke.

I salute your girlfriend for staying cool and just leaving because said girl would have received a snotty retort from me along the lines of "oh, his standards are the same alright, he's not with you now, is he." Delivered with a dry smile - hey, it's just a joke, right? (How do you think your friend would have reacted to this, btw? - I'm just trying to make you think rather than laugh about your friend's supposed joke) Actually, OP, a "funny" retort like this from *you* would have probably saved the entire situation... Instead, you laughed - and you are surprised about your girlfriend's attitude towards your friends? I suggest you talk with your fiancee about this initial meeting and listen carefully to what she has to say. Only when you understand that it was as far removed from a joke to her as can be will you be able to actually take her seriously on this, and only then can the situation be resolved.

sporina

yeah OP are you sure you wanna marry her? tbh I feel sorry for your fiance - you are not considering her feelings at all. if this was the only issue you would have resolved it with her by now. Unless you have an she is totally unreasonable. If this is a make or break as to whether or not you get married I question your relationship anyhow..

Cianos

tbh wrote: »

get your mates to apologise to her. If she doesn't accept, then you have a problem.

/thread really. It wasn't a nice thing to say, but maybe someone thought they'd be the funny one and say something a bit cruel to show how hilarious they are. Maybe she took it more seriously than she should/could have, maybe what your friends were hoping for was her to come back with one better on the spot. It's awkward at times for a new person to get used to the dynamics of a new group.

You certainly should have stuck up for your girlfriend, so it's up to you now to reconcile the situation. Explain to your mate that your girlfriend took it harder than was intended and you'd love if she could apologise. If either of them refuse to attempt to sort it out, then I think it's a good indication of where your loyalty should be.

LegacyUser

I consider myself a pretty secure and self-confident woman, but if my new boyfriends friends said something like that on our first meeting I would be really really upset.

It is bullying, it is nasty, and just because everyone laughed (including yourself, shame on you) doesnt make it ok.

I think your girlfriend is just standing up for herself. She doesnt want people who make her feel bad about herself in her life. And shes dead right!

You sort it op or you suck it up.