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New AMA with a US police officer (he's back!). You can ask your questions here

My first go - title "The Madman?"

  • 21-10-2009 1:23pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    Chapter 1



    A man in a hat entered the room. He took off the hat. “It's you!” They all said. At the same time like a class speaking to a teacher. “Hahaha Hello gentleman”, the man in the hat said, putting the hat on the table. “And hello ladies he said. Turning to the ladies and lifting his hat politely. “Leave us alone Trent!” The women said. Perhaps it was because the were angry at him for something he had done in the past, a long, long time ago. Or perhaps it was because he was holding a gun at them! The gun came from nowhere. He had got it out of his pocket and now both bullets were aimed at the people.”Say your prayers!” The man said but one of the men grabbed the gun, knocking the table with the hat on it and some other things on the floor. A vase got broken. Now the gun was in the other hands and we would have to wait and see if it was the right hands.




    got this far, now got to work out what happens next!


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    sorry, should have said, im also looking for any feedback, do you think this is a good start how should i go from here


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 33,061 Mod ✭✭✭✭ pickarooney


    It's not a very good start, to be quite honest. If you don't know what's going to happen 5 lines into the book, maybe you should work that out first and then start (re)writing.

    "Leave us alone Trent" ?? is this what someone who has a gun pointed at them says? How is he aiming both barrels (not bullets) at all the women at once and not at the men?

    What's the story with the hat? It's on his head, then off, then on again... ?

    "Now the gun was in the other hands"

    This doesn't really read like English.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,746 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Insect Overlord


    It reads as if it were written by a ten year old boy :confused:


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    Thanks for the feedback guys, not sure what you mean about the ten year old thoguh! I've had some more ideas, here's the beginning to the second chapter.

    It had always been Trents problem to treat women like objects. Like a nice bookcase or a €350,000 mansion. He was sorry about that and sorry about what he had to do but he knew he had to do it. He had to pick up his hat and his gun and had to march to that house. He knew the people would be there and he had to kill them! But back to the women. Trent liked women but like all his things he did not do the right things with them. Like the time he broke that man's pen inthe bank by accident. He also like to take things that weren't his. "Leave my things alone! They would say to him. But he didnt care. not a jot.


    Its a bit of back story on Trent. I think hes probably a nice man but a bit misunderstood! Maybe he was trying to save the people from something else though, Im not sure yet. :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭✭✭ Splash


    Frankly... Disturbing.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    SKRRK! SKRRK SKRRK! Somehwere in the distance Trent could hear it. SKRRK! SKRRK! SKRRK! Trent could well remember that noise from the time he was in the army. "I can well remember that noise from the time I was in the army" Trent thought. No time for thinking, he thought. And carried on running. The SKRRK!ing seemed to be getting closer though and Trent knew he must stop and fight or be killed. "Gasp!" Trent gasped. "Corporal Jones?" "Hahaha, yes Trent, I knew you would come here and I knew you knew what the SKRRK!ing was and that you must stop. That's why I did it and why I came here in the first place." Trent wasn't sure whether he should hug him or punch him! Hug him because of the SKRRK!ing wasn't real and he knew he was safe after all, or punch him because he didn't actually like him! He shook the Corporal Jones on the hand. "Hahaha" said Corporal Jones. "Same old Trent!"

    This is from when Trent is going to the house, he hasn't picked up his hat and gun yet so he's a bit scared when he hears the noise. He knows what it is, but I don't yet! Any ideas?


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 33,061 Mod ✭✭✭✭ pickarooney


    padraiggg wrote: »
    Any ideas?

    More to the point, do you have any ideas or are you just writing the first thing that comes into your head?

    Although I have to say this bit was kind of funny.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,746 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Insect Overlord


    I have a vague idea that you might be taking the piss here...


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    I have an idea of the story and the kind of things i want to happen, for example Trent was in the army and thre was an exercise they did where there was either an animal or perhaps the enemy and they made the SKRRK! noise and so Trent is naturally afraid of it. I don't really know what makes a SKRRK! noise though. Someone sharpening a knife perhaps. Much more dificult to write those joiny bits in between the action. My last attempt was frankly disturbing apparently.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,100 FeetMagic


    Wow if this isnt taking the piss Id be shocked. Either way Ive found them hilarious, keep em coming!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 231 ✭✭ IrishSerf


    padraiggg wrote: »
    I have an idea of the story and the kind of things i want to happen, for example Trent was in the army and thre was an exercise they did where there was either an animal or perhaps the enemy and they made the SKRRK! noise and so Trent is naturally afraid of it. I don't really know what makes a SKRRK! noise though. Someone sharpening a knife perhaps. Much more dificult to write those joiny bits in between the action. My last attempt was frankly disturbing apparently.

    All of your posts are frankly disturbing and I've noticed that scratching my head makes a SKRRK! sound. But write on............


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    "A gun!" Trent barked and "A hat!. The shopkeeper did not appreciate being barked at but told Trent where the guns and the hats where in his shop. He also didn't like to sell a gun to a man like Trent. The hat was ok. "Take your precious gun and hat and get out of my shop" said the shopkeeper when Trent had bought the gun and hat. Trent left the shop, pointing the gun at the shopkeeper like he might have shot him. The hat sat on his head like a man sitting on a park bench. "Peeeow!" peeowed Trent making a noise like a gun shooting. "Peeow " to you too said the shopkeeper. He knew there wasn't any bullets in the gun! Yet...


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,746 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Insect Overlord


    I'm starting to find this funny now :)

    OP, one minor suggestion, using the spell-check function would add to the general read-ability of your writing. Perhaps a little more care with the use of apostrophes would make it easier to read the dialogue too.


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    Trent was having a flashback. He suddenly remembered lots of exciting things that had happened to him that really showed who he was. He was glad that there was no way people could of known what he was thinking because it really gave away a lot about him. He shook his head to refocus on what he had to do. "Oh yes, killing all them people" Trent thought. He chuckled to himself "hahaha" because of the flashback. "Gosh that would really explain a lot about me... if people only knew what I was just thinking about..." A man who was passing looked at him and wondered why he had said it. BANG! Trent shot the man dead! He fell on the floor like some shopping that hadn't been doubly bagged but there was heavy shopping in the bag, so the bag ripped. Trent was just like that, but no-one knew why.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 33,061 Mod ✭✭✭✭ pickarooney


    /subscribes to thread


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,746 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Insect Overlord


    The protagonist is beginning to sound a bit like Wolverine, only not as awesome...


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    Is the protagonist one of the other xmen? What do you think about Trent?


    Trent looked at himself in the eyes. He couldn't of seen them normally except he was looking in a stream. Because of being in the army, he knew all about survival. Using a stream like mirror or a log or something as a seat if his legs got tired. His eyes that he was looking at looked tired, if only there was a log in that stream for them. There probably was logs in the stream thought Trent, but I'm not touching them with my eyes! "haha thought Trent. Trent sat on a log. Because of his legs were tired. CRACK! A noise went. CRACK! Like a mouse's spine breaking. Trent turned round at mouse height expecting to see one with a broke back. It was a broken twig though with a foot on it. Trent thought that was probably what broke it. He looked up the foot and up the leg the foot was on and then up again until he saw the face of a beautiful woman. Then Trent had sex with her " hahaha" Thought Trent.


  • Registered Users Posts: 714 ✭✭✭ Livvie


    A new paragraph here and there would make it more readable.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 33,061 Mod ✭✭✭✭ pickarooney


    Paragraphs? Next you'll be wanting punctuation, coherence, a plot... no way, this is rock and roll!


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    What do you mean? Each post IS a paragraph! It would look very silly if it was just words dotted about everywhere!!!

    A Mysterious STranger?

    "So, we meet again Trent" said the man. "WHo is this man?" thought Trent. "Hahaha " said Trent, "I suppose we do, why don't you just tell me your name though, to remind me what it is in case I kill you and I need to tell the papers or a policeman what the name of the man I killed was." The man didn't fall for the trick though. "What's the matter Trent don't you recognise me?" Trent looked at the man, expcept he couldn;t because he was wearing a hat pulled down over his face and he was standing in the shadows anyway. Trent got ready to pull his gun out very quickly and shoot the man and this is what he was just about to do when suddenly the man stepped forward. "I am your father Trent" he said, taking off his hat. "Oh yes, said Trent "I didn't recognise you for a minute then" "hahaha" they both said. BANG! Trent shot the man! "Merry Christmas" said Trent.


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  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 33,061 Mod ✭✭✭✭ pickarooney


    That rascal! Is there anyone he won't shoot?


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    I'm not sure yet! I can tell you one thing I certainly wouldn't like to meet him down, a dark alley!


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 33,061 Mod ✭✭✭✭ pickarooney


    Dark alley, bright alley, Times Square... keep that rogue well away from me and my loved ones.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,746 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Insect Overlord


    The greatest paternal twist of fate since George Lucas' in 1980?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,312 Daftendirekt


    This is great stuff.

    Keep 'em coming!


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭ padraiggg


    Trent couldn't resist it. The casino had pulled him in. Like when you pull in all the stuffing from a cushion that your naughty dog has chewed up and left on the floor and instead of shouting at the dog your mum shouts at you because you were supposed to be watching him. So Trent was in the casino even though he had other stuff to do, like killing all them people. Like when you have homework and you should do it but you watch both Simpsons on sky one and then the Scrubs repeats and your stupid sister tells of you. Anyway he was pulled in. And he knew he had stuff to do but he didn't care, he had shot his parents anyway they couldnt tell him off because of they were dead!. "£1000000 on black" Trent said. He casually tossed a £1000000 chip on the table. The cocktail waitress really fancied him. "BLACK!" exclaimed the dealer. "hahaha" said Trent. "Too easy". Then he had sex with the cocktail waitress.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,100 FeetMagic


    You're losing it man..


  • Registered Users Posts: 30,312 ✭✭✭✭ Penn


    This is just a wild stab in the dark, but I'll put it in spoiler tags just in case I'm right
    Is Trent actually Chuck Norris?


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 33,061 Mod ✭✭✭✭ pickarooney


    I was debating over Trent Reznor or Terrence Trent D'Arby but yes... it could be that Trent is so cunning he's using an alias to avoid detection!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 28 ✭✭✭ Hanumanmaman


    I just happened to stumble in here by accident and now I'm hooked. Don't leave me hangin' man :D


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