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Anti-jokes

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135

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    #62
    RHRN
    Closed Accounts Posts: 357 ✭✭RHRN


    Knock Knock.
    Who's there?
    Helen.
    Helen who?
    Helen O'Dwyer.
    Oh, Helen I haven't seen you in a long time. Come in, we should talk. Its good to see you again


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    #63
    GiftofGab
    Registered Users Posts: 2,374 ✭✭✭GiftofGab


    what do you call a black man driving a plane???

    a pilot you fu*king racist!


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    #64
    bubonicus
    Registered Users Posts: 715 ✭✭✭bubonicus


    <snip> Unsuitable material, read the Charter before posting again - Hagar <snip>


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    #65
    bubonicus
    Registered Users Posts: 715 ✭✭✭bubonicus


    <snip> Unsuitable material, read the Charter before posting again - Hagar <snip>


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    #66
    994
    Closed Accounts Posts: 911 ✭✭✭994


    Yo momma so ugly, it has given her lifelong issues of low confidence and self-esteem.

    Yo momma so lazy, she didn't pay much attention to you growing up and it has left you with abandonment issues.


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    #67
    hussey
    Registered Users Posts: 6,240 ✭✭✭hussey


    thebullkf wrote: »
    what do you call a donkey with 3 legs

    a wonky
    glue


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    #68
    ibarelycare
    Registered Users Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    994 wrote: »

    Why did the small boy fall off the swing?
    Because he had no arms!

    Why didn't he get up?
    Because he had no legs!

    What was he?
    A potato


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    #69
    ibarelycare
    Registered Users Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    Why did Mary fall off her bike?
    Cos John threw a fridge freezer at her.

    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
    Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

    Why did the Nigerian come to Europe?
    Because of the poor socio-economic conditions in Nigeria.

    What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
    One was the first man on the moon, the other's a child molestor.

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To escape the Nazis.

    Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
    He was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

    What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
    There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.

    What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
    A mule.

    A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
    However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.


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    #70
    Rikand
    Registered Users Posts: 20,348 ✭✭✭✭Rikand


    What's big and green and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

    A golf course


    Why were all the elephants wearing pink shirts ?

    They were on the same team



    What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing pink shirts?

    Oh, they must be on the same team!


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    #71
    Penn
    Registered Users Posts: 33,382 ✭✭✭✭Penn


    A moth goes into a dentist and says "You have to help me, I think I have the flu". The dentist goes "But I'm a dentist, why did you come to me?" The dentists receptionist then says "Who are you talking to? There's nobody there"

    The dentist, realising the voices have returned, attempts to get them out by drilling through his temple.


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    #72
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan .
    I told them I was suicidal.
    They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck..


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    #73
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    not my own.......

    be afraid....


    Q. Why are non-fluorescent light bulbs called "Peruvian"?
    A. Because they are Incan descent.
    Q. Why did the cat walking in the desert die?
    A. Because when he looked down he saw Sandy Claws, and froze to death.
    Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
    A. Claus-trophobic.
    Q. What is a logarithm?
    A. The tune a mathematician sings while cutting down trees.
    Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    A. Frostbite.
    Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
    A. A nervous wreck.
    Q. When is a door not a door?
    A. When it is ajar.
    Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
    A. Sanka.
    Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
    A. Nacho cheese.
    Q. What kind of boat did Dracula buy?
    A. A blood vessel.
    Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
    A. Subordinate Clauses.
    Q. What is the best advice to give to a worm?
    A. Sleep late!
    Q. How can you make a glow worm happy?
    A. Cut off his tail -- he'll be de-lighted.
    Q. What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
    A. Chimney Cricket.
    Q. How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
    A. Ten ants.
    Q. What is the demon's favorite TV show?
    A. Fiends.
    Q. What is the best way to get rid of demons?
    A. Exorcise regularly.
    Q. What do demons eat at breakfast?
    A. Deviled eggs.
    Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with Al Capone?
    A. A fangster.
    Q. What is a penguin's favorite salad?
    A. Iceberg lettuce.
    Q. Who is the penguin's favorite aunt?
    A. Aunt Artica.
    Q. What do you get when you cross a penguin with an alligator?
    A. I don't know, but don't try to straighten its bow tie.
    Q. Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?
    A. No, it was an apple.
    Q. Where do mermaids go to see movies?
    A. The dive-in .
    Q. Why did the dolphin cross the beach?
    A. To get to the other tide.
    Q. What do you get if you run over a bird with a lawnmover?
    A. Shredded tweet.
    Q. What goes tick tick woof woof?
    A. A watch dog.
    Q. What kind of dog does Dracula own?
    A. A bloodhound.
    Q. What do you call a hippie's wife?
    A. Mississippi.
    Q. Why did the baker quit making doughnuts?
    A. Because he got sick of the hole business.
    Q. Why wouldn't they let the butterfly into the dance?
    A. Because it was a moth ball.
    Q. How do you keep a snake from striking?
    A. Pay it decent wages.
    Q. Where would you weigh a whale?
    A. At a whale-weigh station.
    Q. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
    A. Pumpkin pi.
    Q. What do you call a stolen yam?
    A. A hot potato.
    Q. What kind of flowers does everyone have on their face?
    A. Tulips.
    Q. Can you name the four seasons?
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and ketchup.
    Q. How are people like a teabag?
    A. They are no good until they've been through some hot water.


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    #74
    lebron james
    Closed Accounts Posts: 76 ✭✭lebron james


    Q; What happened to the winner of the hot dog challenge?

    A; He went home and texted a friend and told him that earlier that day he had entered a hot dog competition and had won by eating eighteen hot dogs.

    Q; What did the friend say when he received the text from his friend saying that earlier that day he had entered and won a hot dog competition by eating eighteen hot dogs?

    A; Nothing as he texted his uncle by mistake, the same uncle who once felt his privates and told him not to tell any one and he would buy him a hot dog.

    Q; What did the uncle say to his nephew, when he received the text that told of his triumph in the hot dog competition earlier that day, even though that text was not meant for him but intended for his friend?

    A; Who's this?


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    #75
    Undergod
    Registered Users Posts: 2,858 ✭✭✭Undergod


    thebullkf wrote: »
    not my own.......

    be afraid....


    ...

    Not anti-jokes.


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    #76
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    Undergod wrote: »
    Not anti-jokes.


    miaow...post one then instead of criticising.:p


    Q. why did undergod complain that the bullkf's jokes weren't "anti-jokes"?


    A. because they weren't...


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    #77
    Hagar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭Hagar


    Gentlemen please read the Charter before posting again.

    Check out what anti-jokes are.

    They are not kids jokes, they are jokes that are funny because they make you groan because they are so unfunny.


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    #78
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,966 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a cat with no tail?
    A manx cat.


    A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is a shambles.


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    #79
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,966 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    168059_your_mom_is_a_whore_1.jpg


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    #80
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,966 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Johnny comes back from school crying and says,
    - "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
    His mother replies,
    - "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."




    How do you get 500 Jews into a Volkswagon?

    You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 Jews. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 Jews into a Volkswagon is solved.



    Latvian man hear knock at door. "Who is ?" ask man. "Is Potato Man. Am delivering free potatoes door-to-door" say voice. Man rejoice. "Oh! Such a blessing! This must be wonderful dream!" Latvian open door, man say "just kidding. Is Secret Police."


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    #81
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,966 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A white man, a mexican, and a black find a genie lamp and rub it. The mexican wishes for all mexicans to go back to mexico. The black wishes for all blacks to be brought back to Africa. The white man, lonesome for his friends, wishes for yearly round-trip airline tickets for them all so that they may visit America again if they so wish.


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    #82
    whatdahack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭whatdahack


    What do you call a 2-foot angry blue Scotsman named Max?
    Max.

    Why did the blonde jump off a bridge?
    Because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life.

    How do you stop a clown from smiling?
    Hit it with an axe.

    How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
    They're both purple, except for the rabbit.

    Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

    His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
    :D:D:D


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    #83
    lebron james
    Closed Accounts Posts: 76 ✭✭lebron james


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    A white man, a mexican, and a black find a genie lamp and rub it. The mexican wishes for all mexicans to go back to mexico. The black wishes for all blacks to be brought back to Africa. The white man, lonesome for his friends, wishes for yearly round-trip airline tickets for them all so that they may visit America again if they so wish.
    lol


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    #84
    RHRN
    Closed Accounts Posts: 357 ✭✭RHRN


    A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
    He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
    The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.


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    #85
    Undergod
    Registered Users Posts: 2,858 ✭✭✭Undergod


    thebullkf wrote: »
    miaow...post one then instead of criticising.:p


    Q. why did undergod complain that the bullkf's jokes weren't "anti-jokes"?


    A. because they weren't...

    Already did post.

    But...

    A black man goes to get a vasectomy. When the doctor takes him from the waiting room, he notices he is wearing a very sombre suit. He asks
    "Why are you wearing such a sombre suit?" and the black man replies
    "Because I was at a funeral earlier. Can we get on with the operation please?"


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    #86
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Do you know what really makes me smile?




    Facial muscles


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    #87
    Fabritzo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Pizza delivery.

    Brilliant, cheers


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    #88
    bblueblood
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 29 ✭bblueblood


    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.


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    #89
    bblueblood
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 29 ✭bblueblood


    Whats red and and sits in the corner?
    A naughty strawberry.


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    #90
    itsallaboutheL
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,333 ✭✭✭✭itsallaboutheL


    Do you know what i cant understand?


    Chinese Writing


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    #91
    Merrion
    Registered Users Posts: 1,421 ✭✭✭Merrion


    I say, I say, I say, my dog has no axis of rotation
    Well, how does he experience the Coriolis effect?
    Terrible


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