Anti-jokes

Jako8

Do they belong in here?

Am I the only one who likes them?

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!
Thats the least of your problems. You've got AIDS.

What did batman say to robin to get him in the batmobile?
"Get in the batmobile"

Knock Knock
Come in.

Insect Overlord

I love these jokes!

Jack Sheehan

A man is trapped on a desert Island for years, one day a woman comes out of the sea in a wet suit. He says 'wow, have you come to rescue me?' she says 'Yes, of course, my god, you've been here for years, is there anything I can do for you?'.

He says 'Well, its been so long since I've had a cigar.' She gets one out of her wetsuit and lights it up, handing it to him.' 'anything else?'

'Well, It;s been so long since I've had a drink.' She gets a bottle of fine whisky out of her wetsuit and hand it to him.'

He says, wait, cigars, women, booze, this all seems-'

He's woken by a flash of lightning, shivering under the tiny shack he calls home, freezing cold, soaked and so alone, so very alone.

Podge2k7

Lol good stuff.

dlofnep

Anti-jokes are the only funny kind of jokes IMO.

banquo

Jako8 wrote: »

Knock Knock
Come in.

Awesome.

Penn

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotchman are out hiking when they suddenly fall down a mineshaft. The fall kills Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman instantly while Paddy Scotchman is trapped under some rocks and eventually starves to death.




Little Johnny is running to school as he is late, when suddenly he trips. A man comes over to help him. Johnny begins crying as he knows he's going to get into trouble for being late. The man says "When the teacher asks you why you are late, just say Willytop".

When Johhny walks in, the teacher begins giving out to him and asks why is he late. Johnny says "Willytop". The teacher screams and gives out to him even more and sends him to the principal.

The principal asks Johnny what he said to make the teacher so upset. Johnny says "Willytop". The principal flips out and expels Johnny and sends him home.

When Johnny gets home, his parents say "We just got a call from the principal. What did you say to him that made him expel you?". Johnny says "Willytop". Johnnys mother faints and his father throws some furniture around the room in a fit of rage and tells him to leave and never come back.

Johnny is walking down the road when it starts to rain, so he runs into a pub. He sits at the bar and begins to cry. The bartender asks whats wrong. Johnny says "Ever since this morning, everybody has been giving out to me because a man told me to say Willytop, but I don't even know what it means and why everyones so upset". The bartender says "Listen, I can help you. Meet me across the road in 15 minutes and I'll explain everything."

15 minutes later, Johnny is standing across the road when the bartender comes over. Before the bartender can speak, a drunk driver hits them both.

Techno Mick

These anti-jokes are fine examples of German humour.

In Germany they laugh at things like "a man's car was stolen at night making him late for work, when he got to work his boss fired him for being late, he then arrived home early and caught his neighbour banging his wife, he then hanged himself".

You take to it after being around Germans for a while.

lil'bluestar

There is something strangely wrong yet hilarious about them, I almost felt guilty for laughing, but that was shortlived! :pac:

Hagar

Knock knock...



Knock knock...




Knock knock...




Anyone home? Helen? Helen? Anyone home?

Jonathan

Hagar wrote: »

Knock knock...



Knock knock...




Knock knock...




Anyone home? Helen? Helen? Anyone home?

This thead needs anti-thanks.

FruitLover

Knock, knock...







Who's there?







Nobody.
It was just a prank.

Jack Sheehan

A bear walks into a bar and says 'Hey can I have a beer?'

The barman says, 'sure!' hands him one and they spend the rest of the night talking about the exciting new realities of inter species communication.

Or alternatively:

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman asks his wife to refil his prescription for psychosis medication.

Oooh one more:

A priest, a rabbi and an Iman walk into a bar. They drink cokes and chat about their respective religions. Each comes away having learned valueable lessons about ecumanism and the value of inter-faith dialogue.

994

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman encounter an event, situation or phenomenon. Paddy Englishman reacts to it in a normal fashion, as does Paddy Scotsman; but Paddy Irishman reacts in an unusual and humorous manner.

How many members of Coldplay fit in a Mini?
Four. It's a standard four-seat vehicle.

What do you call a man with a playing card stapled to his ear?
You call him by his name.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with the Taj Mahal?
A: The concept of crossing a pumpkin with the Taj Mahal makes no sense.

hussey

Bill Bailey joke

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Panda

Two sausages in a frying pan,
one turns to the other and says "Jaysus its hot in here"
the other one screams "AAAAAAH A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!"



Whats worse that finding half a worm in your apple?

Rape.




Two goldfish in a tank,
One asks the other, "How the hell do you drive this thing?"




Why did the small boy fall off the swing?

Because he had no arms or legs!




What did hitler say to his men before they got into their tanks?

Get into your tanks.




Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.




Two Swine flu virus(or is it virii?) just floating around town,
One goes to the other, "Fancy a chinese?"
the other replies "Naaah, i could murder a mexican though!"




A man walks into a pub,

He's an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his body and his family.

banquo

At my gf's insistence:

How many geniuses does it take to invent the lightbulb? Just one. Thomas Edison.

994

Panda wrote: »

Why did the small boy fall off the swing?

Because he had no arms or legs!

No, it's:

Why did the small boy fall off the swing?
Because he had no arms!

Why didn't he get up?
Because he had no legs!

Why did no-one help him?
Because he had no friends!

mahamageehad

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff

What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath

Whats brown and sticky?
A brown stick

What did Batman say to robin before they got in the Batmobile?
Robin get in the batmobile.


This thread is gold by the way

Steoob

994 wrote:

How many members of Coldplay fit in a Mini?
Four. It's a standard four-seat vehicle.

Probably the funniest joke in the world

Penn

hussey wrote: »

Bill Bailey joke

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Another Bill Bailey joke:

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

tech77

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Another Bill Bailey joke:

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

I love these.
^That one could also be categorised as a joke template.
Not too distantly related might be the meta-joke (all under the umbrella of anti-humour possibly):

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?

Here's the wiki
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meta-joke

Penn

Whats the difference between the cast of Eastenders and the English Rugby team?
The cast of Eastenders can't play rugby.

Why did the clowns computer crash?
He tried opening too many applications at the same time

tech77

Steoob wrote: »

Probably the funniest joke in the world

Yeah, it's great because you've got all manner of punchlines going around in your head only to be brought down to earth with the actual answer.

If done well like that one, they really hit the funny bone.
I think the wider the gap betwen the possible punchline (were it just a straight joke) and the real answer, the funnier the resulting anti-joke is.

tech77

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Whats the difference between the cast of Eastenders and the English Rugby team?
The cast of Eastenders can't play rugby.

Why did the clowns computer crash?
He tried opening too many applications at the same time

It's amazing that even when you know full well they are anti-jokes (ie you're just going to get a straight answer), you still giggle at them.
It's weird.

Penn

Whats blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic

chokehold

Bernard Righton

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svLyyzBC_qI

Senna

What did Gerry McCann say to the Maddie McCann?

Nothing, he hasn't seen her in 1 1/2 years.

Queen-Mise

Panda wrote: »

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

I know this one as:

Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?

He was dead.


Why did the second koala bear fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a race.


Why did the tree fall down?

He thought he was a koala bear.


And another classic anti-joke:

Why did the fat man fall into the river?

He was pushed.

GenghisCon

My Personal Favorite.

Whats worse than biting into an apple an finding a worm?

The Holocaust.

Ave Sodalis

994 wrote: »

No, it's:

Why did the small boy fall off the swing?
Because he had no arms!

Why didn't he get up?
Because he had no legs!

Why did no-one help him?
Because he had no friends!

Actually....

Why did the small boy fall off the swing?
Gravity

Mossin

Whats white and if it fell from a tree could kill you?

A fridge!

**Timbuk2**

Panda wrote: »

Two sausages in a frying pan,
one turns to the other and says "Jaysus its hot in here"
the other one screams "AAAAAAH A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!"

I laughed at this for like 10 mins!!

Jonathan

Anti Joke.

Jako8

What is hard, lasts forever, and is something girls love to have on their body?
A diamond.

---
What did the hooker say to the priest?

That was a wonderful sermon. I look forward to next Sunday's church service.

---

Your momma's so fat, she bought an issue of Cosmo for an article on breast self-exams but became deeply depressed when bombarded by page after page of images perpetuating an impossible standard of beauty. That night she skipped dinner and cried herself to sleep.

---

Your momma's so fat, she tried to go on the Atkins diet but couldn't make it through the induction phase because her cravings for sweets and complex carbohydrates proved too powerful to overcome.

---

Why do women have boobs?

To provide milk to feed their offspring.

---

What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?

Carbon, because it forms the backbones of many energy rich sugars.

---

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar.

A bar fight ensues, and the blonde is killed in the midst of gunfire.
It was a horrible tragedy.

994

Yo momma so fat, she likely to develop an obesity-related illness.

Yo momma so old, she probably gonna die soon. You should make the most of the time you have.

Super-Rush

A rabbit hops past a bear one day, the bear stops him and asks the rabbit if sh1t sticks to his fur, the rabbit says yes, then the bear picks him up and wipes his arse with him.

Local-womanizer

Mossin wrote: »

Whats white and if it fell from a tree could kill you?

A fridge!

Whats blue and white and sits up a tree?


A fridge with a denim jacket on:rolleyes:



How many Kangaroos does it take to do plumbing?


None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leak by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.


I pity the fool...but I also suggests ways in which he can better himself.

GenghisCon

Yo mama is so healthy her BMI is probably exactly within the ideal range for a woman her age.

Yo mama is so well respected within her profession that I bet she'll get another raise and promotion this year despite the downward trajectory of the economy.

Yo mama is so good at cooking she should open her own restaurant. I'd be the first customer.

Yo mama is so attractive she could be on the cover of Prevention.

Yo mama is so Internet-savvy she should start her own social-networking site designed specifically for moms. It would be really popular.

Yo mama is so well read she could teach a course on literature at an accredited university.

Yo mama is so good at listening she makes you feel like she's put everything aside to focus all her attention on you. That's a really great trait to have.

Yo mama is so skilled at coaching basketball she should apply for a job in the WNBA.

Yo mama is so generous she just paid for everyone's meal at Applebee's.

Yo mama is so supportive of you and your efforts that I wouldn't be surprised if you were incredibly successful as a result.

misty floyd

994 wrote: »

No, it's:

Why did the small boy fall off the swing?
Because he had no arms!

Why didn't he get up?
Because he had no legs!

Why did no-one help him?
Because he had no friends!

and:

How did the little boy get on the swing in the first place?
There is no explanation for this. Its a joke.

Plug

How many jews can you fit in a mini?
5

Porkpie

What do you call a black man driving a bus?





A bus driver, you racist.

Undergod

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the fireworks factory?

Absenteesim and theft.

itsallaboutheL

Whats black and white and eats like a horse?..



A zebra.

WithCheesePlease

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Whats blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic

What's blue and fvcks grannies?
Me in my lucky blue coat.

Slidey

Whats yellow and if it fell out of a tree on you it would kill ya?





A JCB

giggsy664

GenghisCon wrote: »

My Personal Favorite.

Whats worse than biting into an apple an finding a worm?

The Holocaust.

<snip> Read the Charter before posting again - Hagar <snip>

Hagar

A penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "Has my brother been in?".

The barman responds "I dunno, what does he look like?".

thebullkf

Hagar wrote: »

A penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "Has my brother been in?".

The barman responds "I dunno, what does he look like?".

a distressed woman staggers into a policestation bleeding profusely ,clothes in tatters ..

cop asks her "what happened?"

she says "i've just been raped by a polar bear!"


cop says...

"can you describe him?"

thebullkf

what did the deaf,dumb and blind kid get for christmas?

A hearing aid,speech therapy and a labrador.

thebullkf

what do you call a donkey with 3 legs

a wonky