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Anti-jokes

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245

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    #32
    Mossin
    Registered Users Posts: 2,219 ✭✭✭Mossin


    Whats white and if it fell from a tree could kill you?

    A fridge!


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    #33
    **Timbuk2**
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 7,395 Mod ✭✭✭✭**Timbuk2**


    Panda wrote: »
    Two sausages in a frying pan,
    one turns to the other and says "Jaysus its hot in here"
    the other one screams "AAAAAAH A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!"

    I laughed at this for like 10 mins!! :o


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    #34
    Jonathan
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators Posts: 8,118 Mod ✭✭✭✭Jonathan


    Anti Joke.
    80064.png


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    #35
    Jako8
    Registered Users Posts: 2,445 ✭✭✭Jako8


    What is hard, lasts forever, and is something girls love to have on their body?
    A diamond.

    ---
    What did the hooker say to the priest?

    That was a wonderful sermon. I look forward to next Sunday's church service.

    ---

    Your momma's so fat, she bought an issue of Cosmo for an article on breast self-exams but became deeply depressed when bombarded by page after page of images perpetuating an impossible standard of beauty. That night she skipped dinner and cried herself to sleep.

    ---

    Your momma's so fat, she tried to go on the Atkins diet but couldn't make it through the induction phase because her cravings for sweets and complex carbohydrates proved too powerful to overcome.

    ---

    Why do women have boobs?

    To provide milk to feed their offspring.

    ---

    What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?

    Carbon, because it forms the backbones of many energy rich sugars.

    ---

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar.

    A bar fight ensues, and the blonde is killed in the midst of gunfire.
    It was a horrible tragedy.


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    #36
    994
    Closed Accounts Posts: 911 ✭✭✭994


    Yo momma so fat, she likely to develop an obesity-related illness.

    Yo momma so old, she probably gonna die soon. You should make the most of the time you have.


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    #37
    Super-Rush
    Registered Users Posts: 19,473 ✭✭✭✭Super-Rush


    A rabbit hops past a bear one day, the bear stops him and asks the rabbit if sh1t sticks to his fur, the rabbit says yes, then the bear picks him up and wipes his arse with him.


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    #38
    Local-womanizer
    Registered Users Posts: 3,798 ✭✭✭Local-womanizer


    Mossin wrote: »
    Whats white and if it fell from a tree could kill you?

    A fridge!

    Whats blue and white and sits up a tree?


    A fridge with a denim jacket on:rolleyes:



    How many Kangaroos does it take to do plumbing?


    None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leak by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.


    I pity the fool...but I also suggests ways in which he can better himself.


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    #39
    GenghisCon
    Registered Users Posts: 122 ✭✭GenghisCon


    Yo mama is so healthy her BMI is probably exactly within the ideal range for a woman her age.

    Yo mama is so well respected within her profession that I bet she'll get another raise and promotion this year despite the downward trajectory of the economy.

    Yo mama is so good at cooking she should open her own restaurant. I'd be the first customer.

    Yo mama is so attractive she could be on the cover of Prevention.

    Yo mama is so Internet-savvy she should start her own social-networking site designed specifically for moms. It would be really popular.

    Yo mama is so well read she could teach a course on literature at an accredited university.

    Yo mama is so good at listening she makes you feel like she's put everything aside to focus all her attention on you. That's a really great trait to have.

    Yo mama is so skilled at coaching basketball she should apply for a job in the WNBA.

    Yo mama is so generous she just paid for everyone's meal at Applebee's.

    Yo mama is so supportive of you and your efforts that I wouldn't be surprised if you were incredibly successful as a result.


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    #40
    misty floyd
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,905 ✭✭✭misty floyd


    994 wrote: »
    No, it's:

    Why did the small boy fall off the swing?
    Because he had no arms!

    Why didn't he get up?
    Because he had no legs!

    Why did no-one help him?
    Because he had no friends!

    and:

    How did the little boy get on the swing in the first place?
    There is no explanation for this. Its a joke.


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    #41
    Plug
    Registered Users Posts: 9,248 ✭✭✭Plug


    How many jews can you fit in a mini?
    5


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    #42
    Porkpie
    Registered Users Posts: 717 ✭✭✭Porkpie


    What do you call a black man driving a bus?





    A bus driver, you racist.


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    #43
    Undergod
    Registered Users Posts: 2,858 ✭✭✭Undergod


    Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the fireworks factory?

    Absenteesim and theft.


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    #44
    itsallaboutheL
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,333 ✭✭✭✭itsallaboutheL


    Whats black and white and eats like a horse?..



    A zebra.


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    #45
    WithCheesePlease
    Registered Users Posts: 1,006 ✭✭✭WithCheesePlease


    paddyirishman85 wrote: »
    Whats blue and doesn't fit?
    A dead epileptic

    What's blue and fvcks grannies?
    Me in my lucky blue coat.


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    #46
    Slidey
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,811 ✭✭✭✭Slidey


    Whats yellow and if it fell out of a tree on you it would kill ya?





    A JCB


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    #47
    giggsy664
    Registered Users Posts: 2,457 ✭✭✭giggsy664


    GenghisCon wrote: »
    My Personal Favorite.

    Whats worse than biting into an apple an finding a worm?

    The Holocaust.

    <snip> Read the Charter before posting again - Hagar <snip>


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    #48
    Hagar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭Hagar


    A penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "Has my brother been in?".

    The barman responds "I dunno, what does he look like?".


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    #49
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    Hagar wrote: »
    A penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "Has my brother been in?".

    The barman responds "I dunno, what does he look like?".

    a distressed woman staggers into a policestation bleeding profusely ,clothes in tatters ..

    cop asks her "what happened?"

    she says "i've just been raped by a polar bear!"


    cop says...

    "can you describe him?"


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    #50
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    what did the deaf,dumb and blind kid get for christmas?

    A hearing aid,speech therapy and a labrador.


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    #51
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    what do you call a donkey with 3 legs

    a wonky


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    #52
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    what do you call a donkey with one eye and 3 legs?

    a winky wonky


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    #53
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    what do you call a donkey with one eye,3 legs....and a banjo?



    a honky tonky winky wonky


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    #54
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    what do you call a donkey on heroin?


    a jonky


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    #55
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    what do you call a donkey hanging out of a tree?


    a monkey


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    #56
    Porkpie
    Registered Users Posts: 717 ✭✭✭Porkpie


    What did little Johnny's parents get him for Christmas?




    Nothing. Little Johnny is an orphan. And by the way, he doesn't like being called little.


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    #57
    Penn
    Registered Users Posts: 33,321 ✭✭✭✭Penn


    A man goes into a doctors with a steering wheel down his trousers. The doctor says "I bet thats driving you nuts!". The man shouts "OF COURSE IT IS! I'M IN TREMENDOUS PAIN AND MY WIFE DIED IN THE CAR ACCIDENT! THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES!"

    The doctor, having been shouted at and humilated, takes some painkillers from the surgery, goes home and overdoses on the tablets and vodka.


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    #58
    Penn
    Registered Users Posts: 33,321 ✭✭✭✭Penn


    What did The Fonz say when he killed Ritchie Cunningham?

    Eeyyyy!


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    #59
    bobmalooka
    Registered Users Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭bobmalooka


    what do nine out of ten people love?

    gang rape



    i know,im terrible


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    #60
    WithCheesePlease
    Registered Users Posts: 1,006 ✭✭✭WithCheesePlease


    A man walks into a bar..........

    It cuts up his face pretty bad.


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    #61
    X AcT X EviL
    Closed Accounts Posts: 68 ✭✭X AcT X EviL


    Whats the difference between a black man and a bucket of poo?
    They have nothing in common.


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