Boyfriend - no sex before marriage

Silverfish · 15-04-2009 06:51PM

prinz wrote: »

That's what I thought when I was banned for referring to a different 'relationship' as merely friendship. Apparently it's against the rules of the forum to downgrade anyones relationship to friendship. I'll probably get banned for that explanation now :pac:

You were banned for continual off topic posts, not reading the charter, pretty similar to this.

If you do not have an understanding of your bans, please pm the mod who banned you for clarification, do not post in other threads dragging it up.

This is your last warning.

15-04-2009 06:51PM

StormWarrior wrote: »

Maybe he's just dating her while he tries to decide whether she's the one or not. You can date someone without intending to settle down with them.

Yes. For a while. Not for a year and a half. after a certain point in time it's called stringing someone along and a very selfish, unpleasant thing to do to someone.

Maybe he just likes her company?

if he "just likes her company" then they're friends. They're not currently friends, they're a couple and have been for a significant time period.

SarahSassy · 15-04-2009 06:54PM

prinz wrote: »

No, I have had, Corrected.Not that I look back and say I'm glad I did that. Because I'm not.

In all honesty it doesn't. My love and desire for her has grown and grown.There's nothing I'd like more than to have sex with her.Romance and sex are not identical.

It's enjoyable, it's great, it's fantastic. It's many things but it's not vital.

...........naive.....right.... Why because my OH and I love each other enough to wait, or because I respected her wish to wait and fell in love with her anyway?

I am thanks, it is her conviction.I don't feel in the slightest bit disrespected. Actually it makes me feel better about myself, and about her. It's quite empowering. You should try it.

I have to say from reading through your various replies to people that you come across as incredibly arrogant about your relationship and despite your gloating that you know how your gf will react in all occasions, you cannot fully know someone without the act of making love to / with them..

OP he should have told you straight up. The bottom line here is that you have a vast difference between your opinions and there is no middle ground. Does he indulge in any type of sexual activity e.g oral sex etc or is it just penetrative sex he has an issue with.

StormWarrior · 15-04-2009 06:54PM

bluewolf wrote: »

Yes. For a while. Not for a year and a half. after a certain point in time it's called stringing someone along and a very selfish, unpleasant thing to do to someone.

She has known for over a year that she is not going to get sex from him. How is he stringing her along? If she wants a sexual relationship that much she has had ample time to leave the relationship and look elsewhere. One could even say that she is stringing him along. Maybe her waiting for him so long has given him hopes that she may come around to his way of thinking?

prinz · 15-04-2009 06:59PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

I have to say from reading through your various replies to people that you come across as incredibly arrogant about your relationship.

uhm why, because it works and I'm happy in it?

people asked questions - I answered.Plus yes thanks, after 4 odd years I know my OH pretty well. How arrogant of you to assume otherwise.He told her his views, she chose to continue the relationship..... she put herself in this position a year and a quarter later.

@ Silverfish : I apologise I was trying to delete the post when I saw your warning.

Dudess · 15-04-2009 07:09PM

StormWarrior wrote: »

She has known for over a year that she is not going to get sex from him. How is he stringing her along? If she wants a sexual relationship that much she has had ample time to leave the relationship and look elsewhere. One could even say that she is stringing him along. Maybe her waiting for him so long has given him hopes that she may come around to his way of thinking?

If he's just testing the water, trying to gauge whether she's marriage material etc, of course he's stringing her along. That is of course IF he's doing as you suggest, which I doubt. Seems like it's simply a relationship.

SarahSassy · 15-04-2009 07:11PM

prinz wrote: »

uhm why, because it works and I'm happy in it? people asked questions - I answered. Plus yes thanks, after 4 odd years I know my OH pretty well. How arrogant of you to assume otherwise.

Well I could not care less if ye morph into the same person but reality check, you aint Dr Phil and you aint a relationship expert and IMHO you cannot truly know your partner until you make love with them. There is a whole level of intimacy missing when the act of making love is absent from a relationship...

ellie1 · 15-04-2009 07:13PM

I have to say from reading through your various replies to people that you come across as incredibly arrogant about your relationship and despite your gloating that you know how your gf will react in all occasions, you cannot fully know someone without the act of making love to / with them..

+1

prinz · 15-04-2009 07:14PM

Dudess wrote: »

If he's just testing the water, trying to gauge whether she's marriage material etc, of course he's stringing her along.

Isn't the point of any relationship to gauge whether your OH is marriage/long term partner/parent material?

prinz · 15-04-2009 07:16PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well I could not care less if ye morph into the same person but reality check, you aint Dr Phil and you aint a relationship expert and IMHO you cannot truly know your partner until you make love with them. There is a whole level of intimacy missing when the act of making love is absent from a relationship...

I'm not a relationship expert..... but you know well enough to explain to me what's lacking in my relationship?

pot....kettle....

Perhaps you should keep separate threads separate and contribute something worthwhile..... I suggest you leave "aint" out of it for a start.

SarahSassy · 15-04-2009 07:19PM

prinz wrote: »

Perhaps you should keep separate threads separate and contribute something worthwhile..... I suggest you leave "aint" out of it for a start.

Word to the 'wise', I used the expression 'you cannot truly know your partner until you make love with them' in a general context and was not directed at you and your 'girlfriend'.

Come back to me with your instructions when you are a Moderator...

StormWarrior · 15-04-2009 07:23PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

you cannot truly know your partner until you make love with them. There is a whole level of intimacy missing when the act of making love is absent from a relationship...

So you don't fully know your mother, father, brother or best friend because you (presumably) haven't made love to them?

One could argue that you can know someone better by dating them for a long time and getting married before sex. You can also have sex without knowing the person at all. Knowing someone well and sleeping with them are not necessarily related.

Dudess · 15-04-2009 07:23PM

Sarah is talking about a person you're in love with, FFS.

prinz wrote: »

Isn't the point of any relationship to gauge whether your OH is marriage/long term partner/parent material?

I thought it was simply being with someone you're crazy about, the stuff you've mentioned coming later...

StormWarrior · 15-04-2009 07:26PM

Well it depends on the individual. For some, like the OP, it's about being with someone who you're crazy about. For some, it's about finding a suitable marriage partner. Maybe the boyfriend is just dating his girlfriend because he's crazy about her at this moment in time. That doesn't mean he wants to sleep with her. Maybe he knows he likes being with her right now, but isn't sure he will in the future, and doesn't want to sleep with someone who may not end up as his spouse.

prinz · 15-04-2009 07:26PM

Dudess wrote: »

I thought it was simply being with someone you're crazy about, the stuff you've mentioned coming later...

Fair enough.Just figured people think into the future and actually look for prospective life partners rather than just being in relationships for the sake of it.

SarahSassy · 15-04-2009 07:27PM

StormWarrior wrote: »

So you don't fully know your mother, father, brother or best friend because you (presumably) haven't made love to them?

Well in my family we dont attempt to have romantic relationships with our immediate family members and friends.

StormWarrior wrote: »

One could argue that you can know someone better by dating them for a long time and getting married before sex.

One could argue that but I dont believe it... Its supposed to be a romatic relationship and not a platonic one..

StormWarrior wrote: »

You can also have sex without knowing the person at all.

Of course

StormWarrior wrote: »

Knowing someone well and sleeping with them are not necessarily related.

But unless you sleep with your romantic partner you dont know that side of them so there is a large element of them that you dont know...

StormWarrior · 15-04-2009 07:28PM

Dudess wrote: »

Sarah is talking about a person you're in love with, FFS.

So, you can know a friend or relative well without having sex with them, but you can't truly know someone you're in love with until you've had sex with them?:rolleyes:
And if you know them so insufficiently, how can you say you're in love with them?

axer · 15-04-2009 07:29PM

bluewolf wrote: »

Yes. I'd think it's even more crazy. The idea that marriage at any age magically prepares you for an unwanted pregnancy (unless you think all pregnancies in marriage are wanted/planned, in which case lol), the idea that... oh I give up.
Just, even more crazy.

Maybe he wants to be in a fully legally committed relationship before pregnancy happens i.e. he may not want her to get pregnant after maybe one year or two years but maybe he will feel ready at 5 years. Whether you agree with him or not doesnt matter since it is his decision.

As said earlier, OP you have 3 options here but it is up to you. He made his feelings clear and you stayed with them thus accepting them.

This thing of telling someone from day 1 that you do not want sex before marraige is ridiculus. I cannot imagine many relationships starting on day one with a talk about sex, marraige and long term commitments.

prinz · 15-04-2009 07:30PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

Word to the 'wise', I used the expression 'you cannot truly know your partner until you make love with them' in a general context and was not directed at you and your 'girlfriend'.

Well in essence it was.As in a general context you presume we do not truly know each other.May I ask what the ' 's around girlfriend are for?

StormWarrior · 15-04-2009 07:30PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

One could argue that but I dont believe it... Its supposed to be a romatic relationship and not a platonic one..

Romantic and sexual are not necessarily the same thing. Anyway, this is getting off topic. The fact remains: the OP and her boyfriend are not compatible and if one ends up caving in to the other, the outcome will probably not be happy.

SarahSassy · 15-04-2009 07:31PM

StormWarrior wrote: »

So, you can know a friend or relative well without having sex with them, but you can't truly know someone you're in love with until you've had sex with them?:rolleyes:

Duh yeah!!!!

StormWarrior wrote: »

And if you know them so insufficiently, how can you say you're in love with them?

If you feel you are in love with them...

Its like talking to a 5 year old.

prinz · 15-04-2009 07:32PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

One could argue that but I dont believe it... Its supposed to be a romatic relationship and not a platonic one..

Romantic and sexual are not the same thing.A one night stand can be sexual but not be romantic, likewise a relationship can be romantic and not sexual.

SarahSassy · 15-04-2009 07:32PM

prinz wrote: »

Well in essence it was.As in a general context you presume we do not truly know each other. ?

Dont presume to presume....

prinz wrote: »

May I ask what the ' 's around girlfriend are for?

Well to be frank, if you are with a member of the opposite sex for 4 years and have not had sex with them then they are little more than a glorified friend.

15-04-2009 07:34PM

axer wrote: »

Maybe he wants to be in a fully legally committed relationship before pregnancy happens i.e. he may not want her to get pregnant after maybe one year or two years but maybe he will feel ready at 5 years. Whether you agree with him or not doesnt matter since it is his decision.

I didn't say it wasn't his decision, you specifically asked "would you still think it's crazy then?". I answered.

Dudess · 15-04-2009 07:35PM

prinz wrote: »

Fair enough.Just figured people think into the future and actually look for prospective life partners rather than just being in relationships for the sake of it.

LOL
Again, I said someone you're IN LOVE with, not for the sake of it - as you perfectly well know.

Some people might want to pursue relationships in accordance with a strict, precise agenda... others might just go for, you know, spontaneity.

StormWarrior wrote: »

So, you can know a friend or relative well without having sex with them, but you can't truly know someone you're in love with until you've had sex with them?:rolleyes:

Jesus wept. Sarah did not say "know them well", she said "know them fully". And if you are attracted to someone - not great friends with them or related to them - attracted to them and have fallen in love with them, then you can't know them fully until you express this physically. Mother of Christ!

prinz · 15-04-2009 07:35PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

Duh yeah!!!!

SarahSassy wrote: »

Its like talking to a 5 year old.

SarahSassy wrote: »

Duh yeah!!!!

Spot the irony yet?

pisslips · 15-04-2009 07:37PM

Well it is the guy's choice and noone really can say if it's right or wrong and it's academic anyway. He has made himself clear and 15 months have passed. I don't see how it's his fault that there's a problem. It's not like he's getting some kind of sick pleasure from watching her pine.

She has the same choices now that she always had, nothing has changed.

He's not doing anything selfish since he's not getting any positives from it anyway.

SarahSassy · 15-04-2009 07:37PM

prinz wrote: »

Spot the irony yet?

Well spotted and quite comical for you

StormWarrior · 15-04-2009 07:38PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

Duh yeah!!!!

If you feel you are in love with them...

Its like talking to a 5 year old.

Firstly, maybe the boyfriend doesn't feel he is in love with her, we haven't heard from him after all. Secondly, millions of people marry without having slept with each other and feel they know each other perfectly well. Maybe you do not feel you know someone without sex, but this girl's boyfriend does not agree. You say, "If you feel you are in love with them..." well there's the thing. Some people are happy to have sex with someone they think they're in love with, then eventually fall out of love or realise they weren't in love in the first place and then move on. Others want to be sure it's love. You think you can feel in love with someone and yet not think you know them properly? Well maybe that makes sense to you but clearly not everyone agrees.

prinz · 15-04-2009 07:39PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well to be frank, if you are with a member of the opposite sex for 4 years and have not had sex with them then they are little more than a glorified friend.

:pac: Some attitude you have :pac: What was that about arrogance?

Boyfriend - no sex before marriage

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