Boyfriend - no sex before marriage

prinz wrote: »

You should try it.

Sorry, but I see absolutely no reason to withhold from sex. There's really, truly no point. It's an enjoyable activity, why on earth would you not?

Thread could easily have been closed after this:

Dudess wrote: »

If a person wants to wait until marriage to have sex, they should only be in relationships with others who want to wait until marriage to have sex.

He seems too serious about this OP - time to move on.

Perfect advice.

prinz wrote: »

I take offence to that. Some men are more than just sex obsessed balls of libidinous hormones.

While you denied it to the shellyboo, that does imply men who don't wait until marriage are sex obsessed balls of libidinous hormones. If you didn't mean it literally, then that comment was obviously just something you threw out there without thinking. There are people who wait until marriage, there are people who are insatiable horndogs, then there are people somewhere in between - probably most people.

There is nothing wrong with the OP's bf just as there is nothing wrong with me.I love my OH enough to wait to marry her. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with me thanks.

Yet further on, you reveal you're waiting until marriage because your girlfriend would like you to. So you're a different case to the OP's boyfriend. I stand by the fact that I think there could be something wrong if a person won't have sex with the person they love and are attracted to, unless it's for religious reasons.
Jeez, when you're in love with someone you want to make love to them... how can you deny yourself that, cause yourself such frustration and such a sense of missing out... unless there's something amiss/you're really religious?

That's your issue that only associate attraction with sex. Could you fall in love with someone who couldn't have sex for medical reasons? What if you or your OH, God forbid, had an accident and couldn't perform. Would you cease being attracted to that person? Think about your answer and what that says about you as a person.

Way to assume the answer will be "no". And as Silverfish said, you're not comparing like with like. Of course a person could fall in love with/become highly attracted to someone who can't have sex. But to feel saddened that they won't have a sex life is not a terrible way to feel, or selfish, it's perfectly understandable. And it's not terrible or selfish to reach the point where the relationship has to be ended. People have physical needs, like it or not. Repressing your natural urges is not healthy.

PCPhoto wrote: »

IMO ..... you would be considered selfish for leaving a "perfect" relationship 'cos he didnt want to have sex.

That's just craziness. The relationship is not perfect, that's for sure. And wanting sex because of having physical needs - oh yes, how selfish.

he would obviously be hurt - you would be free to have sex - but at that point - would you really want to jump straight into a relationship (or couple of one-nighters) just for sex ?

Where did the OP give any indication she'd jump into a relationship just for sex, or having one-nighters? I get the impression she would look for another meaningful relationship, only one which includes sex, however long that takes. And even if she did have casual sex due to frustration (and god knows it's been a while for her) what would be wrong with that?

you could always tease him by playing with yourself while you are both in bed (I assume you both sleep together just no sex) ;):p

What on earth would that achieve other than mutual frustration?

prinz wrote: »

If sex means that much to her then you're right she should have.

It's not a case of sex meaning varying amounts to people - adults are sexual beings and want/need sex, simple as. It's bizarre how wanting to have sex within a relationship is almost being made out as something "deviant" here.

Unregistered wrote: »

I definitely think you're being ridiculously hard on the guy.

Here we go again. No she isn't. She has needs and is upset they won't be fulfilled. FFS.

Obviously he is a guy of high morals and there are so few of them

Are you for real? Sex in a loving relationship outside of marriage is immoral? Because that's all this is, not indiscriminately sleeping around with anything that moves.

you're lucky to have someone who really respects you, and himself for that matter.

Why does abstinence equate with self-respect/respect of one's partner? I don't think he seems to have much of either, to be honest. If he respected others he wouldn't force his views on them, and if he respected himself he wouldn't repress his natural urges.

prinz wrote: »

No, I have had, Corrected.Not that I look back and say I'm glad I did that. Because I'm not.

Why not?

naive.....right.... Why because my OH and I love each other enough to wait, or because I respected her wish to wait and fell in love with her anyway?

How does waiting equate with loving someone enough. Do you love someone slightly less if you have sex with them?
This stuff is veering dangerously in the direction of "sex is dirty", "sex is a violation of women" etc...

prinz wrote: »

..and assumed that in time he'd 'cop on' - that obviously hasnt happened!!

Also take offence to that. He has no reason to 'cop on'. Basically he told you 3 months in and you had the chance to walk away then. Why didn't you? I know - because you thought about yourself first, not the relationship and not him.

Why are you taking offence? You must have big issues with this stuff if you are taking offence at random internet posts from anonymous people.

As for 'you thought about yourself first' - I can't believe your double standards here. The guy led her on for three months so she would like him too much to leave "He said he waited that long to tell me cos didnt want to lose me." This is not 1950's Ireland where people are repressed with catholic guilt, sex is the norm and expected in relationships these days. He should've told her his views at the very start of the relationship not 3 months in when she was probably in love with him...the only reason he didn't is because as you say he was thinking about "himself first, not the relationship and not her".

Are you equating sex with buying a dress?? I can see how highly you value it then.Shocking.

Beruthiel's analogy was spot on and you are making yourself look stupid trying to undermine it. It's the same way I would view it, I would not marry someone (if i was interested in marriage, which Im not) and commit the rest of my years on earth to them if I hadn't even slept with them yet. That is just crazy. Obviously if both parties are of the opinion that they want to wait till marriage, there will be no problem, but if one of the parties isn't happy with that arrangement it is a huge problem as in their eyes no sex before marriage is a completely ludicrous proposition for the reason in Beruthiel's analogy.

Agreed. However it took two of them to make it this way. If he doesn't want to fair play to him. If she does fair play to her. It's the fault of neither. However it I have to add that it's up to her now what she wants more, sex or her bf.

Great, throw a guilt trip on her. She is not a bad person because she wants a sexual relationship. In the vast majority of peoples eyes it is essential for an adult relationship. It mightn't have been in 1950 but it is in Ireland in 2009. I dont know any friends of mine who would agree to no sex before marriage. This guy should've told her from the start, not slyly waiting until she had fallen for him especially as she knew him for 2 years beforehand. He as good as admitted that he was deceitful when he said he'd knew she'd leave if he told her from the start. She should've been given that option.

Without sex, they are basically just having a close friends relationship where she can't sleep with anyone else.

Dudess wrote: »

If the OP's boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with his girlfriend to whom he is attracted, there is nothing honourable about that - there may in fact be something wrong. If he was abused, waiting until marriage for sex won't exorcise the demons of his past. Talking to an expert might though.

Haven't had time to read all the replies but had to comment on this one. I really have never heard such immature nonsense. So if someone wants to wait until marriage they must have been abused and be in need of counselling? Is it really so difficult to believe that some people simply believe sex is special enough to be shared with only your marriage partner? Is it so hard to believe that despite being attracted to your OH, you can control yourself and not jump into bed with them? I personally think it's very honourable that he wants to wait until marriage. He's obviously someone who takes commitment seriously.

OP, there's nothing wrong with you wanting sex and not being ready for marriage at your age. But your bf obviously feels strongly that he wants to wait until marriage and it would be very unfortunate for him to feel pressurised to give in on this issue to keep the relationship. If he sleeps with you and then regrets it for the rest of his life, do you want to be responsible for that?

I really think you two should just be friends and you should find someone who wants the same as you. It is not fair on you to be deprived of what you want, and it would not be fair on him to feel pressured into sleeping with you.

This issue reminds me so much of a friend of mine. At 20 she was still a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage. However, she got with a boyfriend who did not share her views and she ended up having sex with him to keep the relationship. That was 6 years ago and she has regretted it every day since, and now hates and resents her ex boyfriend. It would be sad for you two to end up like that when you could just part now and stay good friends.

You also don't seem to have much respect for either your boyfriend or his views, your post makes you seem a little selfish IMO, you want sexual gratification and so there must be something wrong with your boyf for not giving it to you. Neither of you should have to compromise on this issue, it's too important. I really don't think you are compatible.

Wibbs wrote: »

My take is, if you don't feel right about having sex before marriage then I say fair play to you.

IMHO that's what sexual liberation is all about. All too often people seem to mistake freedom to be all about the choice to do something. It's not. It's about the choice. Freedom should be about personal choice, not following the herd, whichever way it runs.

As I would not judge someone if they wanted to have sex with every manner of person in every manner of way to their hearts content so long as it wasn't unhealthy to the other person involved or self destructive, I would equally not judge someone, if they for whatever reason choose not to. It's all about choice. And just because at this moment in history the herd has decided sex before marriage is the "right" choice, doesn't mean it's correct for those who choose not to believe it's right. Indeed being a minority can be equally hard in seemingly liberal environments, as in seemingly oppressive ones.

Agreed completely. It's up to the individual, not society/culture, but I disagree with one thing: if a person chooses to wait until they're 25/35/45 to lose their virginity because they want it to be with the right person, more power to them. But meeting that right person and not having sex with them until marriage, no matter how long that takes... I don't consider this a good thing. Religious beliefs, ok - I may not agree with them but at least that's a reason. But simply waiting until marriage, because... well just because? Why would you do that to yourself?
And also, I don't see how waiting til marriage is anything other than a relic of a more oppressive time. There's nothing actually beneficial or natural about it.

Wibbs wrote: »

Orrrrr *Gasp*:eek: he believes sex before marriage is not for him. Its' not that long ago when a pretty big section of this society felt the same.

I don't know whether they actually felt that way or had it forced upon them though Wibbs.

axer wrote: »

Each side of this has a RIGHT to their beliefs and nobody can say either belief is correct or incorrect.

A person has the right to say they believe one is not good for the person concerned or his partner though.

I do not believe in the "no sex before marraige" thing but I believe that people are entitled to hold that belief if they so choose without being ridiculed as people have been doing here.

I don't see much evidence of him being ridiculed at all, if anything I see the girlfriend being pilloried for, when it comes down to it, having needs and being frustrated they're not being fulfilled.

prinz wrote: »

He needs defending seeing as how the knives are out to get him immediately without people taking a proper balanced view.

See above.

prinz wrote: »

AFAIK that's a bannable offence on this forum. I should know, I've been banned for an identical comment to the one above. Funny the thing about double standards and all that.

What on earth is bannable about it?

prinz wrote: »

Some people feel it is so beautiful and special and to be valued so much

I agree in the context of being in love with the person.

that it should be kept for one person

Sorry, I don't follow. You've met that one person.

StormWarrior wrote: »

So if someone wants to wait until marriage they must have been abused and be in need of counselling?

Oh here we go... more selective reading of posts. I did not say every person who wants to wait until marriage for sex has been abused. I said it COULD be a reason for it - actually someone else suggested it first, and I took their point further by merely saying waiting for marriage in that scenario won't cause the traumas of the past to just vanish.

Is it really so difficult to believe that some people simply believe sex is special enough to be shared with only your marriage partner? Is it so hard to believe that despite being attracted to your OH, you can control yourself and not jump into bed with them?

I do not believe anyone would wait until marriage without having issues (apart from those who are very religious). Why wait? What on earth difference would that make? How can repressing your desires over a long period of time be good for you?
And I don't get how the OP seems to have no respect for her boyfriend - seems like she has plenty, to me. And she wants sex with the man who loves her - how awful of her. She probably hoped he might change his perspective - nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we live in hope.
OP, take no notice of people constantly insulting you by calling you selfish. There is nothing selfish whatsoever about you. But you HAVE to break up with him. He should only have gone for a girl who shares his views in the first place - can't believe HIS selfishness tbh.

StormWarrior wrote: »

Maybe he's just dating her while he tries to decide whether she's the one or not. You can date someone without intending to settle down with them. Maybe he just likes her company? Or maybe he's getting to know her with marriage in mind? He seems in no rush for sex so why wouldn't he date someone for over a year just because he enjoys spending time with them?

Oh come on. They're boyfriend and girlfriend.