Boyfriend - no sex before marriage

Realta05 · 15-04-2009 02:11PM #1

my BF of 1.5 years is against sex b4 marriage, I have put up with this because well I really do love him, but I am sick of what is a sexless relationship, I am not ready to get married, and I know an ultimatum will mean he (or i will be forced to) end the relationship.

Apart from no sex the relationship is v.g., am I a fool for putting up with this, should i give him an ultimatum regardless of the outcome.

Sex is obviously a fundamental part of a relationship as far as i'm concerned, as is intimacy.

Is anyone else in this situation - any advice for me?

Should I walk away from an otherwise great relationship?

star-pants · 15-04-2009 02:12PM

May I ask what age the two of you are?

If he's dead set in his decision you can't change it so you either have to accept it or walk away.

starchild · 15-04-2009 02:16PM

hi op

thats a bit of a downer alright, sex is obviously a vital part of a relationship & even though you are waiting a lot lot longer than most couples there are plus's to your relationship in that you get on so well

i would delve a little deeper and figure out his attitude to sex full stop namely that once you marry he is looking forward to this aspect of the relationship or whether he is not interested in sex full stop

when it comes to being intimate do you ever get the impression he would like to take things further

Dudess · 15-04-2009 02:20PM

If a person wants to wait until marriage to have sex, they should only be in relationships with others who want to wait until marriage to have sex.

He seems too serious about this OP - time to move on.

petethebrick · 15-04-2009 02:21PM

Realta05 wrote: »

my BF of 1.5 years is against sex b4 marriage, I have put up with this because well I really do love him, but I am sick of what is a sexless relationship, I am not ready to get married, and I know an ultimatum will mean he (or i will be forced to) end the relationship.

Apart from no sex the relationship is v.g., am I a fool for putting up with this, should i give him an ultimatum regardless of the outcome.

Sex is obviously a fundamental part of a relationship as far as i'm concerned, as is intimacy.

Is anyone else in this situation - any advice for me?

Should I walk away from an otherwise great relationship?

You're not a fool for 'putting up with it' as you say. You obviously have strong feelings for this guy.
I personally wouldn't marry someone I had never had sex with.
You're right - sex is a fundamental part of a relationship and is an important part of the development of a relationship - not some sort of 'reward' for getting married.
It's a hard situation but I would end the relationship if he isn't willing to change. You can't force someone to change their beliefs but in this day and age 'no sex before marriage' is an outdated concept. Future happiness is a more important concept. Good luck

Realta05 · 15-04-2009 02:22PM

he is 25 and I am 21. I just cant understand how someone can be so pigheaded about it, and am really angry at him at the moment because I dont see the need for a relationship to end.

I know if i was advising my friends, I'd tell them to leave, but i dont want to. He says he cant wait to have sex but only once married. What century does he think this is?????!

it just get really infuriating

star-pants · 15-04-2009 02:28PM

Did you know this about him when you guys got together? (obviously not first date conversation but that time)
If he's really set on waiting, he's 25, and you're offering so it's not like he's not getting the chance to try. It's not about what century it is etc, it's about his personal view on it.
I would have liked to wait until I was married, in the sense that I would like to only sleep with the guy I fall in love with. But needs and all that jazz, I didn't wait obviously. But that's me and my views. Your bf has his. You can talk to him but if he won't budge then you won't change him.

Munster_Gal · 15-04-2009 02:29PM

I personally wouldn't want to wait until I was married - I actually don't even know if I ever want to get married.
I can understand why you would be annoyed but everyone has different views when it comes to sex and marriage and unfortuantely in this case you both have very different views.
I think you just need to sit down and discuss it with him rationally. Maybe you can come to some kind of comprimise or something?

squishywishy · 15-04-2009 02:30PM

Personally OP I would think you would be mad to walk away from an otherwise great relationship.
You dont say what age you are but although you arent ready for marriage now you might be in the future. Would you consider marrying your boyf in future??

Sex is important but it is not the be all and end all. Great sex does not make a great relationship but you can have a great relationship without sex as you are already having. Sex wont make a crap relationship great but it can make a good relationship great!

Your boyf obviously has reasons why he feels this way. It might be religious or he may be a romantic who feels that sex is something you share with an important person, or he may even have been abused in the past. He wants that important person to be his wife. If I knew your boyfriend I'd congratulate him for having such integrety, there are not many guys out there are not trying to jump into a girls pants at their first chance.

If you feel its too much for you then walk away, only you know that and you would want to be sure its not something you will regret.

Remember too, if the shoe was on the other foot and you didnt want to have sex you'd be raging and upset that he was giving you an ultimatum and putting presure on you. I think you are being a bit hard on him. He is as entitled to his views as you are. Its his body

shellyboo · 15-04-2009 02:31PM

Realta05 wrote: »

he is 25 and I am 21. I just cant understand how someone can be so pigheaded about it, and am really angry at him at the moment because I dont see the need for a relationship to end.

I know if i was advising my friends, I'd tell them to leave, but i dont want to. He says he cant wait to have sex but only once married. What century does he think this is?????!

it just get really infuriating

It's unfair of him to be forcing his beliefs on you...

And it's unfair of you to expect him to conform to yours. You're different people, clearly. Time to move on.

Skuxx · 15-04-2009 02:32PM

My religion teacher spent a whole week telling us (6th years) that under no circumstance were we to have sex before marriage!!!

It was to late for 3/4 of us!!!:rolleyes:

Sorry a bit random I know!

Dudess · 15-04-2009 02:53PM

squishywishy wrote: »

You dont say what age you are but although you arent ready for marriage now you might be in the future. Would you consider marrying your boyf in future??

She's 21 - most 21-year-olds feel WAY too young for marriage. That's five years plus of a wait she's got. Realistic? I certainly don't think so. And then they might end up marrying for the wrong reasons, or rushing into it without enough money, security etc.

Sex is important but it is not the be all and end all.

Sex is very important if it's something a person would like as part of their relationship with a person to whom they are sexually attracted, and the lack thereof is causing them to feel frustrated and unhappy.
If the OP's boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with his girlfriend to whom he is attracted, there is nothing honourable about that - there may in fact be something wrong. If he was abused, waiting until marriage for sex won't exorcise the demons of his past. Talking to an expert might though.

Remember too, if the shoe was on the other foot and you didnt want to have sex you'd be raging and upset that he was giving you an ultimatum and putting presure on you.

Not if she understood where he was coming from, which is a perfectly reasonable place.

I think you are being a bit hard on him.

She is only feeling natural frustration and upset.

Taltos · 15-04-2009 02:57PM

Agree with Dudess

As a guy - I could not wait to have sex - though I did - was also 21.
As to waiting - I got married when I was 27.

Think you have to ask yourself - are you really prepared to wait that long?
If not then this is your heads way of telling your heart that this relationship is not right for you.

best of luck

bobcar61 · 15-04-2009 03:01PM

How long were you going out with him before you knew he didn't want sex before marriage.
I don't think I would be able to do it but if it is a spiritual belief or something and you knew about it then wither you have to put up with it and respect him or you should have ended the relationship before you "fell in love"

LegacyUser · 15-04-2009 03:09PM

I was with him 3 months before he told me his views, I had known him for 2 yrs prev, so I was mad about him for ages den we got 2gether. By time he told me I was really annoyed because I'd fallen for him, and assumed that in time he'd 'cop on' - that obviously hasnt happened!!

He said he waited that long to tell me cos didnt want to lose me.

it's just one big mess, that i cant seem to sort out, appreciate everyone's comments though

Beruthiel · 15-04-2009 03:17PM

Realta05 wrote: »

I know if i was advising my friends, I'd tell them to leave, but i dont want to. He says he cant wait to have sex but only once married. What century does he think this is?????!

So basically, he did not tell you until ye were together for ages, in the hopes of tricking you into staying with him.
How utterly selfish and childish.
As for no sex before marriage. I honestly don't get it.
I wouldn't buy a dress without trying it on first.
Yet someone expects you to spend the rest of your life with them in a binding contract without first trying out the goods.
Nope.
Don't think so.
If you are not of the same belief as him, walk away now, cos that's just one big head melt.

CaptainSkidmark · 15-04-2009 03:17PM

he must come from an old fashioned family.

fair play for putting up with it, you must really love him. but i'd say time to give him the ultimatum.
you see he may agree to sleep with you and then regret it and it could cause problems and he could blame you for "corrupting" him so dont be too pushy when you speak to him about it

Dublin_Gunner · 15-04-2009 03:34PM

Its time to go your seperate ways IMO.

Sex obviously isn't important to him, and it is to you (and most others).

Even if you did stick it out, and you got married etc - would you want to be married to a virgin in this day and age? The sex would most likely be rubbish, you'd have to try teach him and everything -ugh I really don't see that working.

You are obviously a sexual girl, and want / need sex as part of a healthy relationship - which is perfectly normal.

Its not too much to ask really. And to be honest, if he waitied long enough before even telling you that - what else could he be not telling you? Not saying he is, just some food for thought.

IMO you both want different things, and if your views differ that much on such an important topic, its time to let go.

prinz · 15-04-2009 03:43PM

Dudess wrote: »

If the OP's boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with his girlfriend to whom he is attracted, there is nothing honourable about that - there may in fact be something wrong.

I take offence to that. Some men are more than just sex obsessed balls of libidinous hormones. There is nothing wrong with the OP's bf just as there is nothing wrong with me.I love my OH enough to wait to marry her. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with me thanks.

Dudess wrote: »

She is only feeling natural frustration and upset.

I agree. So she can leave him. Neither of them can force it upon the other.

Unregistered wrote: »

..and assumed that in time he'd 'cop on' - that obviously hasnt happened!!

Also take offence to that. He has no reason to 'cop on'. Basically he told you 3 months in and you had the chance to walk away then. Why didn't you? I know - because you thought about yourself first, not the relationship and not him.

Beruthiel wrote: »

As for no sex before marriage. I honestly don't get it.
I wouldn't buy a dress without trying it on first.

Are you equating sex with buying a dress?? I can see how highly you value it then.Shocking.

Beruthiel wrote: »

If you are not of the same belief as him, walk away now, cos that's just one big head melt.

Agreed. However it took two of them to make it this way. If he doesn't want to fair play to him. If she does fair play to her. It's the fault of neither. However it I have to add that it's up to her now what she wants more, sex or her bf.

Dublin_Gunner · 15-04-2009 03:50PM

Prinz - considering you seem to be takiing offence to posts not directed at you, are you in fact, the other half in question???

Most agree that sex is a bloody big part of any relationship - and cop on yourself, the poster above what not equating sex to buying a dress, but the symbology of being stuck married to someone who was crap in bed was not something she - nor most others are willing to put up with.

You are in the minority in 2009, and like most minorities, you take offence to things you dont agree with.

TBH - I would take offence to my other half not wanting to have sex with me before marriage, as that would make me feel quite unattractive, regardless of her beliefs.

The fact of the matter is, sex is, and should be (IMO) a big part of any relationship, as intimacy and love making are as important as any other part of a relationship.

The OP and her other half don't see this the same way, so in my view, they should part company - while they still can.

shellyboo · 15-04-2009 04:02PM

Unregistered wrote: »

I was with him 3 months before he told me his views, I had known him for 2 yrs prev, so I was mad about him for ages den we got 2gether. By time he told me I was really annoyed because I'd fallen for him, and assumed that in time he'd 'cop on' - that obviously hasnt happened!!

He said he waited that long to tell me cos didnt want to lose me.

Oooh, that's awfully manipulative. And deceitful. I'd have walked away then and there, OP.

prinz wrote: »

I take offence to that. Some men are more than just sex obsessed balls of libidinous hormones. There is nothing wrong with the OP's bf just as there is nothing wrong with me.I love my OH enough to wait to marry her. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with me thanks.

I take offence to you implying that people who have sex with their partners are "sex obsessed balls of libidinous hormones".

And also, NOT waiting until marriage to have sex does not mean we all love our partners any less, either. Or that they don't 'love us enough' to wait. I really resent that implication. If you want people to stop devaluing your relationship and how you run it, you might want to stop doing it to others.

prinz wrote: »

Are you equating sex with buying a dress?? I can see how highly you value it then.Shocking.

It was a metaphor and you know it

I wouldn't commit to anything for life unless I knew I was happy with everything. Sex is important to me, it's important to the OP - she would be an idiot to marry someone without sleeping with them, because it matters to her.

The lack of sexual compatibilty has ruined many, many relationships, marriages included. So I think the OP is very wise not to give in to her bf's beliefs - however, she can't make him come around to her beliefs either.

Both of them need to find people who share their basic ideals about a relationship. And OP, this will be much harder for your bf than it will for you - but just look at prinz as a great example of someone who it's working for. There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend - he's just wrong for you.

i-digress · 15-04-2009 04:07PM

He's twenty five, which is fairly old to be a virgin. There isn't anything particularly wrong with that, but it may be a case that he is worried that you might not enjoy sex with him, and he may lose you because of it.

I know when I met my partner he was much more experienced than me, which made me really nervous. Logically, it was ridiculous of me to worry that I would lose someone who loved me over something that you can get better at, but when emotions are involved logic can go out the window.

Obviously I don't know this guy, just saying that could be part of the whole thing.

prinz · 15-04-2009 04:14PM

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

Prinz - considering you seem to be takiing offence to posts not directed at you, are you in fact, the other half in question???

No I am not. However seeing as I am in a similar position I take offence at some insinuating that there could be something wrong with me or my relationship. That is unfair on the guy in question and unhelpful in general.

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

the poster above what not equating sex to buying a dress, but the symbology of being stuck married to someone who was crap in bed was not something she - nor most others are willing to put up with.

Pretty ham-fisted analogy to say the least. I, and I presume most people don't get married on the basis of your partners skills in the sack. There is more to love and relationships.

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

TBH - I would take offence to my other half not wanting to have sex with me before marriage, as that would make me feel quite unattractive, regardless of her beliefs.

That's your issue that only associate attraction with sex. Could you fall in love with someone who couldn't have sex for medical reasons? What if you or your OH, God forbid, had an accident and couldn't perform. Would you cease being attracted to that person? Think about your answer and what that says about you as a person.

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

The fact of the matter is, sex is, and should be (IMO) a big part of any relationship, as intimacy and love making are as important as any other part of a relationship.

Agree 110%. However if he feels that it should be reserved for 1 special person whom he wants to be married to more power to him, why not?

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

The OP and her other half don't see this the same way, so in my view, they should part company - while they still can.

Again agree 100%.

PCPhoto · 15-04-2009 04:24PM

IMO ..... you would be considered selfish for leaving a "perfect" relationship 'cos he didnt want to have sex.

he would obviously be hurt - you would be free to have sex - but at that point - would you really want to jump straight into a relationship (or couple of one-nighters) just for sex ?

you need to sit him down and explain to him that you have needs, you understand his views and respect them, you have feelings for him and do not want to hurt him but you feel frustrated and curious about his life choice (no sex before marriage) ....has he always had that view or was it a decision made following a previous relationship ?

In fairness he's been raised in the traditional catholic role (whatever way that is viewed nowadays) - since the catholic church no longer have a stranglehold over society I'm guessing he's in the minority, I was with a girl who shared similar views - (and she didnt drink too) ..... we had a great time but in the end the relationship ended due to both of us wanting different things with our lives - I was concentrating on my career and she was busy with her college/work life/social life.

Anyway.... my point is that if you cant take it any more then you need to discuss this with your BF and see if theres any hope for a future.

Ps. you could always tease him by playing with yourself while you are both in bed (I assume you both sleep together just no sex)

;):p

Silverfish · 15-04-2009 04:25PM

prinz wrote: »

No I am not. However seeing as I am in a similar position I take offence at some insinuating that there could be something wrong with me or my relationship. That is unfair on the guy in question and unhelpful in general.

Pretty ham-fisted analogy to say the least. I, and I presume most people don't get married on the basis of your partners skills in the sack. There is more to love and relationships.

That's your issue that only associate attraction with sex. Could you fall in love with someone who couldn't have sex for medical reasons? What if you or your OH, God forbid, had an accident and couldn't perform. Would you cease being attracted to that person? Think about your answer and what that says about you as a person.

Big difference between 'Can't' and 'can but won't'

prinz wrote: »

Agree 110%. However if he feels that it should be reserved for 1 special person whom he wants to be married to more power to him, why not?

That's fine and all, but would he not be best making sure he finds a girl who is in agreement with him on this, and also wants to wait, rather than going out with someone, then springing it on them?

OP, there is something wrong in the relationship if you both want different things.
You just have to decide if you love him enough to wait til you get married, or if you want to try and find someone on the same page as you.

prinz · 15-04-2009 04:25PM

shellyboo wrote: »

Oooh, that's awfully manipulative. And deceitful. I'd have walked away then and there, OP.

If sex means that much to her then you're right she should have. She has made it worse for herself and her fella by continuing from that point. On the other hand it is a very hard thing to bring up in a conversation. Although it should have been done from day 0, I'm sure he wasn't trying to be manipulative but more just worried that the girl he really liked would leave him because of this... and he was right. She should have broken up with him then.

shellyboo wrote: »

I take offence to you implying that people who have sex with their partners are "sex obsessed balls of libidinous hormones".

And also, NOT waiting until marriage to have sex does not mean we all love our partners any less, either. Or that they don't 'love us enough' to wait. I really resent that implication. If you want people to stop devaluing your relationship and how you run it, you might want to stop doing it to others.

I didn't intend to imply any such things. Just highlighting the fact that because a fella wants to wait there maybe be something wrong with the guy.

shellyboo wrote: »

It was a metaphor and you know it .

shellyboo wrote: »

but just look at prinz as a great example of someone who it's working for. There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend - he's just wrong for you.

Ooh appreciate that.I agree.Like anything major both parties need to be in some sort of accord. Not going to work if both are at polar divide over things like this. It's natural to be frustrated and angry at times, I know I am sheesh, I never intended to wait until marriage, I haven't waited. On the other hand the girl I love has and wants to marry me for some reason and if that's what I have to do to make her happy I will, and I actually think it has improved our relationship, makes things easier, and now I've come to wish I had waited to meet her too.

liah · 15-04-2009 04:31PM

prinz wrote: »

Pretty ham-fisted analogy to say the least. I, and I presume most people don't get married on the basis of your partners skills in the sack. There is more to love and relationships.

You mentioned you were waiting to have sex with your OH. I'm going to assume this means you are a virgin and you have not yet had sex. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me.

Anyway, nobody here has claimed that relationships are all about sex. They are definitely not. But you would be a complete fool to deny that sex is an incredibly large part of it. It's affirming to one another that you are attracted to one another, that you are compatible sexually. If you choose to continue a relationship without sex, in all honesty it just becomes a very close friendship.

What would happen if you got married and found out you two were just not compatible in the bedroom? Ultimately this would destroy the relationship from the inside out. Each partner would get frustrated and start acting out in other aspects of relationship, and it would fall to bits. Sex is vital.

You asked us what would happen if a partner couldn't have sex. You implied that we would be horrible, insensitive people if we decided the relationship wouldn't work. Unfortunately, whether you like it or not, the relationship would deteriorate into solely a very close friendship and the partner who was capable would be likely to seek that aspect of their relationship elsewhere-- sexual intimacy is a requirement of a relationship. Perhaps you don't realize this because you have not yet experienced it and are still quite naïve about the topic.

You're going about this from the aspect of respect for your partner, but honestly, if you had respect and love for your partner you would do everything in your power to keep them happy and you would want to explore all facets of relationships with them. Denying them sex is selfish-- sex is something you share with your partner that brings you closer together for the benefit of the relationship. It's not anything to do with carnal desires. Denying it is disrespect to your partner and the relationship.

prinz · 15-04-2009 04:33PM

Silverfish wrote: »

That's fine and all, but would he not be best making sure he finds a girl who is in agreement with him on this, and also wants to wait, rather than going out with someone, then springing it on them?

OP, there is something wrong in the relationship if you both want different things.
You just have to decide if you love him enough to wait til you get married, or if you want to try and find someone on the same page as you.

Of course he would.However such people are hard to find. My gf told me pretty much immediately when I met her, but I fell in love anyway. Not everyone is as lucky. We've been together almost 4 years and I still get laughed at by strangers when they hear, or the 'sure we'll hire you a hooker' jokers.

Your post is spot on. They both want different things. It's up to them to work through it, or go seperate ways. Trying to force one into the other won't work. However in these threads the general consensus is always 'he/she should be having sex, not having sex is abnormal/unhealthy/weird etc'

username123 · 15-04-2009 04:37PM

OP - what are his reasons for not wanting to have sex before marriage?

Is it religious?
Is it personal morals (ie, that he only wants to give himself to one special person)?
Did he ever have a bad experience?
Is it fear?

Is it a reason that you could understand and accept?

If it isnt, then I dont see much of a future in the relationship.
Some people who have wonderful relationships in many ways dont have good sexual chemistry together or vice versa - it would be awful to get into a legally and morally binding contract only to discover on the other side of it that the sexual compatibility was bad between the two of you. An enormous amount of hurt could be caused.

Something else to consider is this - if his belief system about having sex at all is this strong, what if you marry him and find that he is regimented in sexual experimentation with you when sex is 'allowed' and that he is only willing to indulge in basics and finds wishes that you express to be beyond his willingness to perform?

Ultimately I think that you are two people with different wants and needs and that you wont be compatible long term.

Personally speaking I believe sex to be a fundamental part of any loving relationship and what defines a couple from just being friends - some people may disagree and they are entitled to do so, but I wouldnt be able to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to wait until after marriage for sex - and I would not expect someone who felt that way to be in a relationship with me.

LegacyUser · 15-04-2009 04:42PM

I definitely think you're being ridiculously hard on the guy. Obviously he is a guy of high morals and there are so few of them, you're lucky to have someone who really respects you, and himself for that matter. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We're both virgins, he's happy waiting and so am I. Our relationship is great.

I think the issue isn't that he's "in the wrong century", it's that regardless of your feelings for eachother, you're obviously completely incompatible. If you can't accept eachothers views then it's time for the relationship to end.

prinz · 15-04-2009 04:46PM

liah wrote: »

You mentioned you were waiting to have sex with your OH. I'm going to assume this means you are a virgin and you have not yet had sex. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me.

No, I have had, Corrected.Not that I look back and say I'm glad I did that. Because I'm not.

liah wrote: »

Anyway, nobody here has claimed that relationships are all about sex. They are definitely not. But you would be a complete fool to deny that sex is an incredibly large part of it. It's affirming to one another that you are attracted to one another, that you are compatible sexually. If you choose to continue a relationship without sex, in all honesty it just becomes a very close friendship.

In all honesty it doesn't. My love and desire for her has grown and grown.There's nothing I'd like more than to have sex with her.Romance and sex are not identical.

liah wrote: »

Sex is vital.

It's enjoyable, it's great, it's fantastic. It's many things but it's not vital.

liah wrote: »

Perhaps you don't realize this because you have not yet experienced it and are still quite naïve about the topic.

...........naive.....right.... Why because my OH and I love each other enough to wait, or because I respected her wish to wait and fell in love with her anyway?

liah wrote: »

You're going about this from the aspect of respect for your partner, but honestly, if you had respect and love for your partner you would do everything in your power to keep them happy and you would want to explore all facets of relationships with them. Denying them sex is selfish-- sex is something you share with your partner that brings you closer together for the benefit of the relationship. It's not anything to do with carnal desires. Denying it is disrespect to your partner and the relationship.

I am thanks, it is her conviction.I don't feel in the slightest bit disrespected. Actually it makes me feel better about myself, and about her. It's quite empowering. You should try it.

Boyfriend - no sex before marriage

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