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One-Liner Jokes

1…1718202223…205

Comments

  • #572
    GerryRyan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 966 ✭✭✭GerryRyan


    What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ?

    Wiped his ass :)


  • #573
    KMack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭KMack


    1st post...

    How do you get a fat girl into bed??





    ...piece o' cake...


  • #574
    the Shades
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 697 ✭✭✭the Shades


    What were John Lennon's last words?

    "Don't worry Yoko it's just a water pist..."


  • #575
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,445 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    how can you tell when a woman has had an orgasm?
    she forgets to put away the vibrator.


    What did the duck tell the bartender to do with the tab?
    Take it back and get him a diet pepsi.


    Why can't a duck feel it's feet?
    It doesn't have arms and hands.


    A Clown and a Mime were doing tricks in the park.
    The were arrested when one of their tricks turned out to be an undercover cop.


    What has 18 legs and catches flies?
    4 and a half frogs.


    What do you do with a Wombat?
    You play wom with it.


    How do you top a car?
    You tep on the brake, tupid.


    What's brown and sounds like a bell?
    "Dung"


  • #576
    ThE_IVIAcIVIAIV
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,109 ✭✭✭ThE_IVIAcIVIAIV


    Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
    A: Because his pecker is on his head!

    Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
    A. Cover me im going in!

    Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
    A. It's arse!

    Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
    A. They both have the ability to misfire.

    Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
    A. Because their plugged into a genius!

    Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
    A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

    Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
    A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

    Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
    A. Because it scares the **** out of the dog

    Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
    A. Mega-saur-ass

    Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
    A. 3 Stone !


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  • #577
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,445 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?
    A: A bear faced lyre!

    Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
    A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

    Q: What's an ig?
    A: A snow house without a loo!

    Q: What kind of maths do Owls like?
    A: Owlgebra.

    Q: What eight letters can you find in water ?
    A: H to O!

    Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
    A: Because of the rain, dear.

    Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
    A: No privacy!

    Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
    A: A hare net!

    Q: What do you call ten hares hopping backwards together?
    A: A receding hare line.

    Q: Why are bad grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
    A: They're both below C level!

    What do you do when you see an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?


  • #578
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,445 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Q. What is the difference between a co-pilot and a duck?
    A. The duck can fly..


  • #579
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,445 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do you send a 2 dimensional man to New York?
    By Plane.


  • #580
    Lust4Life
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,350 ✭✭✭Lust4Life


    How do you get a lead guitarist to stop playing?
    Put sheet music in front of him!

    How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one. They stand on a ladder and the world revolves around them!

    How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Twelve. One to actually do it and eleven to stand around discussing how they could do it better.

    Sorry, used to be in a band! Couldn't resist!


  • #581
    Peyton Manning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,658 ✭✭✭✭Peyton Manning


    How did the knacker find his sister in the woods?
    Quite good, apparently....

    Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.

    Did you hear about the carrot that died?
    There was a huge turnip at his funeral. (turn up)

    Whats big and green and if it fell on you it would kill you?
    A golf course.

    Whats really annoying?
    6 upside down (a nine!)





    Genius :cool:


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  • #582
    Dun laoire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,687 ✭✭✭Dun laoire


    If you forgot what you forgot to forget how do you forget what you forgot?

    Seriously, i should go back to work now.:D


  • #583
    Fabritzo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,500 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    That sounds suspiciously like a tongue twister from bosco!


  • #584
    trillianv
    Closed Accounts Posts: 132 ✭✭trillianv


    A horse goes into a bar and says "Hay, Bartender."


  • #585
    Dun laoire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,687 ✭✭✭Dun laoire


    Fabritzo wrote:
    That sounds suspiciously like a tongue twister from bosco!

    Maybe, i dont know. I just typed and thats what came out:D Is it bad to laugh at your own stupid jokes?


  • #586
    Piste
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,440 ✭✭✭✭Piste


    Did you hear about the Irish Al'quaida deserter?
    Abdul Abhaile


  • #587
    the little one
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭the little one


    gorillas mot as scare now


  • #588
    mmmbop babe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6 ✭mmmbop babe


    Oh My God did u all here what happened in my local chipper last night?

    A sausage got battered!!



    2 blonds walk into a bar, ud think 1 of them would have seen it!


    a 3 legged dog walks into an old western saloon, nd says to the barman.....'im looking for the man who shot my paw'


    A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
    "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."


    ya cn never go wrong with a blond joke!!


  • #589
    Angus MacGyver
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 329 ✭✭Angus MacGyver


    What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
    Well Endowed.


  • #590
    rcaz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,034 ✭✭✭rcaz


    Did you hear Sky Sports just got the rights for the Origami World Cup? It's going to be paper view.


  • #591
    mickrourke
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 687 ✭✭✭mickrourke


    When i die I want to go peaceful in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified like his passengers...


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  • #592
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,445 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Anyway, time to visit my masseuse. She leaves no stern untoned.


  • #593
    kraggy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,414 ✭✭✭kraggy


    what do you call a Russian with 3 balls?

    hoojanickdabollockov:D


  • #594
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Q: What's the first sign of madness?
    A: Suggs walking up your driveway.


  • #595
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,445 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Heard about the new Viagra eye drops ? They make you look hard.


    A consignment of Viagra was stolen from Felixstowe docks, the police are looking for two hardened criminals.


    Then there was the Hyena who ate an OXO cube and made himself into a laughing stock!



    I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.


    I went to the dentist. He said: "Say aaah." I said "Why?" He said, "My dog's died."

    I was getting into my car and this bloke says: "Can you give me a lift?" I said: "Sure, you look great, world's your oyster, go for it."


    "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey



    Latest Bumper Stickers.
    Driver carries no Cash - He's Married.
    Are you having phone sex or do you always drive that way ?
    Can't feed 'em - Dont breed them.
    Keep Honking - I'm reloading .



    Q. What goes round a light at 150 mph?
    A. Stirling Moth.


    What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
    Sorted.

    What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
    Safe.


    Why are chavs buired 12 foot under?
    Because deep down, they're really nice people


  • #596
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

    Philippe Flop.


  • #597
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,445 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

    K9P.


  • #598
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,445 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Don't anthropomorphize computers, they don't like it.

    What happens when a polar bear sits on the ice too long?
    He gets polaroids.

    What a polar bear?
    A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation


  • #599
    Reaver772
    Closed Accounts Posts: 261 ✭✭Reaver772


    Q. How did the man get his car to go from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds?
    A. He put weightscales on the seat and told his wife to drive

    Q. Whats the defination of suspicion?
    A. A priest doing pushups in long grass.

    Q. How do you castrate a priest?
    A. Kick an altar boy in the jaw.


  • #600
    RoadSweeper
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,513 ✭✭✭RoadSweeper


    Reaver772 wrote:
    Q. How do you castrate a priest?
    A. Kick an altar boy in the jaw.


    back of the head?


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  • #601
    edson
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 246 ✭✭edson


    what's the first thing an english girl does in the morning?

    goes home...


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