One-Liner Jokes

Bob Hope..
''I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance--waiting for the bathroom.''

''My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar--I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.''

"'It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward...I came out in sympathy.''

''Those were really tough times in vaudeville. I wouldn't have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the audience throwing stuff at me.''

''A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.''

''I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. Have to bring him in from Lourdes.''

To GIs based in Alaska: ''Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.''

To a group of amputees: "Please don't stand up on my account.''

''When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.''

''A rather chubby lady walked by and the panhandler went into his pitch and he said, 'Ma'am I haven't eaten in three days.' She said, 'Gee I sure wish I had your willpower.' ''

''Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.''